Basically what my screen name is IS my trouble.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you, Hooo!, TheEvilJester ( that picture LOL ! ), GLYC and lovebroken for your replies back.

This last weekend was a bad time for me, so many no more things should have been happening and none did because not around anymore. Don't want to get into that but it did make me want to have a therapist sit in because I got very depressed and angry regarding the past.

[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION] I would pity her if she wasn't wearing my ring(s) and most likely KNOWS she is too. I don't think she is a nice person either same as him, so they are more balanced as partners then he and I were because I don't backstab, lie, use others or betray trusts and I'd never take and wear another womans ring or believe back talk about someone I don't know without actual facts behind it ( regarding her I know Facts!) all she knows about me would be his LIES to make him look like a trustworthy faithful saint which he never has been. Only thing I feel bad about is if he has kids with her, because I know for a fact if they don't have any white features close to his he won't enjoy his own kids. Harsh, yes but off his own words. He caused me to waste a massive portion of my life on him with his deceptions, the only respect he could have offered was the truth and he never did. This weekend put me into a funk, apologies for the rant. All you said back was right though.

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I guess I cannot give long replies because the forum throws me off the website and says it cannot connect again Frustrating.

Have to keep replies shorter.

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[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] I have been trying to look at other sections of this website and contribute, it is easier to type in OT sections because I don't have to relive any pain in those like in relationship sections that CAN trigger my own hurt. Then I think my replies would be too bias.

I do have the **** that asshole mentality regarding him but also the why did he let me waste so much of my life and younger life on him if he never planned of making me a true part of his life ( with family) and actually marrying me when I moved there for HIM. He married her after one year engaged, and she lived there, no effort on her part like it was on mine, she gave up nothing. I would say maybe her heritage if the right word but apparently her sister who is a few years younger married a pastie white guy too. Guess the sister wanted some of the same as her younger. LOL? He made somewhat racist remarks about her culture in the past online and to me about an Indian girl he dated long before me that Indian girls love the white dick, do anything for it and whiter guys, easy to control, slave for the white guy the way a white girl wouldn't. Also that he would propose to that ex before me because didn't want a Indian wedding circus and Indian babies that don't look anything like him and people will think they are another mans kids WTF? I honestly don't feel he ever understood what it was to love another unconditionally. All about how good whatever makes him look.

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[MENTION=85795]GLYC[/MENTION] ( what does the letters stand for?)

I don't want him romantically, haven't for years so him being married isn't the problem, it's the lying that NO ONE in his family, possibly even closest friends that didn't live where I moved with him didn't know he was engaged to me, that he gave the ring to another woman right after me, and spent 2 years lying about that same women. Almost playing me to have on the side, IDK but caused me not to trust people ( men) as much. If after over ten years this person plays me that way, how can I trust a complete stranger to go and date? There's a lot of back story I posted in here and a lot I have not as of yet. The pain comes from the lying and disrespect of me. That's the true fact of it, he didn't value me as even a person in this world. I wish all cheaters and players male and female would combust off this earth. No one needs that in their life or world. This weekend caused a new level of bitterness, can be seen in my current replies. I see it too. But, don't feel I need to hide.

[MENTION=77017]lovebroken[/MENTION] I cannot be happy yet, I feel like I had a happy light, carefree open heart and after so much it's gone black and cold. I don't see any real happiness for me in this life anytime soon. I don't want to settle, or even search. So basically I'm stuck in this bubble.

[TheEvilJester]

God, I SO know how you feel. Though my experiences may not be exactly the same, they are at least comparable. So, too, are some of the conclusions I've been left to make about myself. Though, funny enough, my own mistake of a relationship isn't what did most of that damage. In fact, I left that terrible relationship with renewed hope, with renewed faith. I left it feeling I deserved so much better and, DAMN IT, I was going to go out and find it. ....Yeah, then the world chose to remind me that I am a monster. A strange creature who isn't allowed basic decencies like life. I fought that for a while.... but that proved only to make me MORE miserable. So, like you, I've settled into a "bubble," as you put it. I've accepted love is not meant for me and can't even fathom continuing to pursue it because it brings my only pain and hatred.

...It's a fate I DO NOT wish to share with you. I wish you to find happiness. I wish you to find love. I've said this to others, but if I could have one wish I'd make for you, my greatest wish would be that you would find happiness and love within yourself enough so that you don't NEED love (as in romantic love).... but that you find it anyway.

Honestly, as much as it hurts now, here's another thing maybe that hadn't occurred to you....

There is at least one small favor he did for you. Can you imagine if you two HAD married, only for the relationship to end in the same terrible way.... except now with the added pain of having to go through a divorce? If nothing else, at least you were spared that indignity. Especially considering, from the sound of it, this guy probably would have made that a horrible experience. I doubt it would have been a very amicable, conflict free divorce.

Good luck to you again. I know all of this just seems like words right now. I understand that from experience. I hope some day very soon you find everything you want in life and find the happiness and love that eludes you now.

[lovebroken]

One day the happiness will come when he is no longer as present in your mind. I would be as angry and hurt as you if in the same situation so it is okay to feel hurt but don't let that feeling caused by him let him win.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you, TheEvilJester and lovebroken for keeping on chatting and helping me on here,. Much appreciated for all your words and time given to me.

On a weird side note my friend from the UK called me about 30 minutes ago and was laughing that his wife privated her IG today, I haven't looked for a long time I figure if there is anything noteworthy that friend will bring it up. She was laughing because her fake account she made and added this girl to is still on there so not as private as her and him would hope lollololol Was told a few things about her, and him and I think they are more two peas in a pod on their selfishness than him and I ever were, same goes for materialistic ways. Both money hungry and status hungry. I think cracks are showing since he is now with her same amount of time he was with me and cracks in his self showed, enough that I left. His charmingness must time expire at that certain amount of years. Harder to get rid of a wife though.

I don't feel I hate him, because hard to say I hate someone I loved for that long but certainly have hurt and anger and disappointment over why I let him, it all affect me still. Maybe I feel if I stop feeling this way, then all that time was worthless because nothing came of it in any good way and then WHY did it happen if nothing good is ever to be taken away from it. I recall him justifying that time heals all wounds. WHAT A BS SAYING to tell someone that is hurt and that you hurt. Accept YOU caused that wound.

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I agree with what you also said TheEvilJester that it is a GOOD THING I never stayed and married him ( but tbh he wasn't really pushing to have us get married because then how would he explain me all that time he hid me from his mom and family and hid engagement. I think I made it so easy for him by being the one to decide to go. Because his parents divorced he said he only wanted to marry once and that was it, so to me that meant no matter how miserable he was, she was in that marriage he wouldn't have a divorce. He would probably take a side piece and have another family alongside of and hope he has a passive woman who let him have whatever life he wanted. A non questioner, which I wasn't.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I can definitely understand how you feel. After all that time you spent with him, I get how part of you feels like it was all for nothing. Just a waste of time. Sometimes things just happen it life. It sucks, but as best you can, it is best not to dwell on it or let yourself get stuck in it. ...BUT sometimes even the worst things that happen to us truly DO wind up being for a reason. You may not know it at the time, but reflecting back later you may see it.

I hope this becomes one of those times. For example, maybe you will meet somebody AMAZING who truly IS everything this guy pretended to be..... and you'll realize that you probably wouldn't have ever even met that new person if you'd not spent the time you did stuck with your loser ex. If nothing else, maybe you will at least come out of this with a renewed determination never to let somebody treat you like this again. That is certainly not nothing (if you'll pardon my double negative. )

I will say, as much as I have given up hope that true love exists for me.... that is at least one very positive take-away from my mistake of a relationship. After feeling trapped for so long in that awful relationship, and then finally getting free of it, I will NEVER let somebody treat me like that again. I would rather be alone for the rest of my meaningless life than to be stuck with somebody like that ever again. So, through that, I have learned to treat myself better and appreciate myself more than ever before. That is certainly not too shabby. So, if nothing else, I hope you too at least find renewed strength from this. Though, in truth, I hope you find said renewed strength and yet ALSO find the man of your dreams.

Good luck!

[lovebroken]

YW, how are you doing on things now?

It is difficult to get past things when you know a person for many many years and realize they weren't as they made themselves appear to be. I have a past love who passed away and I still think about him constantly and this was long ago too. Keep up with your therapy and write in your thread as you feel the need, sort of like a journal if you could think of it. You'll need to reply in it at least once a month or have another reply back to you to keep it open though. Wish more women on here, especially older than myself would have offered you advice, disappointing they did not, imo.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you, TheEvilJester and lovebroken. I am not posting in here for now because had a set back and I tend to re read all I've written ( trying hard not to do that today and just give a reply post ) I will come back and give you both more detailed replies when this slips away and doesn't bother me as much. I was wondering why other women didn't want to give me any thoughts or words of support on here too, figured people don't care about ones having LT relationship issues only ST ones. Or they just think get the f uck over it already. Or both reasons, I don't know. Thank you for helping, lovebroken.

Thanks to each who wrote on that thread in reply to my post in Off Topics, I only thanked these peoples posts and didn't reply because that thread isn't about me, I answered his question and moved on and don't want that thread to focus on my reply. But appreciate the kind words of advice said back to me.

[Hooo!]

I don't understand what your problem is still.
You were used. You can be very glad it's over now.
Yet you keep dragging your mind through all the pain again and again.

Everyone does really stupid shit in their lifes. When you look back on it you are like: why the **** I ever did that?
But it's easy seeing that in the retrospective.
You made errors but instead of closing with them you keep getting back to them.

And I wonder: what would you want instead?
What do you honestly want for yourself and your (love-)life?

[CantMoveOn]

Thanks for your post, Hooo! chatting back to me. Like I said in my above post not really wanting to think about all of it and HIM too much, this month is a bad one for me for several reasons, and I don't get a lot of family help or emotional support. I do go over, and over, and over all of this because I am still in pain. Some people don't heal in an xyz amount of time, I don't work that way. I cannot shut off that part of me even if numbed with dr prescribed drugs

To answer what I want is the truth to come out, it won't change anything up to now but it will give me peace and I want to be happy, what "happy" means now to me is obviously different because I would have wanted to be married and with at least one child 4 - 5 years ago and I don't have that life - so that can't be my happy anymore. So, have to make a new happy for myself. Whether that is being alone, or with another.

You saying he wasn't real helped me from before. Shocked some reality into me. Thank you for that!

[lovebroken]

It is because you are actually in pain, not something fluffy and on the surface but deeper and some people don't know how to address that in real life or to others online or what if any words to offer. Least my thoughts on it, but I would much rather reply to a person who I feel is really hurting and not just posting for show, attention or possibly a blog of other purposes, some things posted on this forum come off as written for show not for being real and I avoid those threads completely. I read your post in OT and I think working through things is difficult and setbacks occur but talking openly about yourself is helpful to any healing process.

Hooo! is right that you know what he is now, you cannot erase that truth would it have been better to know before you got in deeper with him, yes. But, you knew it was wrong for you, and you left and what he played with you he could very well being play acting with his wife now too, but, she is stuck and you broke loose.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, it could even be that they just didn't see your thread or didn't get around to responding. We seem to go through periods here where nobody is posting for a while, then we become busier again, then nobody is posting for a while and so on. Your thread could have been a victim of either of those times. Could have been when we were busy enough that people missed it. Could have been when it was slow enough that not many were around to see it.

I will also say that, from my experience, a lot of people don't truly understand deep suffering the way perhaps folks like you and I do. They act like things should be SO easy to get over and get annoyed with people who are having some trouble getting through something that has wounded them so deeply. I mean, to some degree I do believe that you should do everything within your power to move on and not let something effect you so profoundly..... but sometimes you can't help what has wounded you and how hard that is to get past.

They mistake difficulty moving on for an unwillingness to move on. I am quite sure you would LOVE it if you could magically, right now, just completely move on and not give a single $h*t about this jerk anymore. If it were that simple, you'd have done it long ago. But, this has effected you deeply enough that you've had trouble moving past it. People think offering advice like "just get over it, already" is helping... but in my personal opinion it is belittling somebody else's life experiences. It is over-simplifying something. Maybe to them the same experience wouldn't be enough to effect them that deeply.... but to you it was. Again, if it were as simple as "just get over it," then I am rather sure you would have.

I do hope you get over it very soon because you deserve to be happy. Furthermore, that jerk doesn't deserve a second's thought in your mind anymore. And, I will say.... if you have been unable to move on, then maybe there are other ways you should try. I can't pretend to know what they'll be because no two people are alike. It does sound unlikely that you'll ever get any kind of truth from him. I wish you could if that would offer you the closure you need, but it seems unlikely, so you may be better off trying to determine how you can be happy and move on without that. I'm not saying that with any intention of being harsh. You deserve closure.... it's just that this jerk obviously isn't going to offer it, so for now at least accept closure in the form of realizing he is a scumbag who never deserved you anyway.

Good luck, friend. You deserve so much better, and you WILL find it someday. Until then, all my best to you.

[Snow White]

I will say this. I have been divorced twice. I have been in love and have been crushed. I have fallen for the same type of guy who has treated me like an asshole because I lacked self esteem from my upbringing. Boo hoo hoo. What I have learned from all my pain is that people come into our lives for a reason.

All of these experiences are to teach us about ourselves. We can't just cry victim. We allowed and attracted that other person into our lives. Why? I didn't read your thread from the beginning, but are you going to tell me that he did a complete 360 into a person that you didn't recognize?

[Shoukon]

Hello CantMoveOn. I apologize for the delay on the post, I have the same problem of re-reading everything I’ve written.

While rereading your posts, I felt that there has been no space for real grieving because of, at minimum, having no one to really speak to. It can be that even when we communicate with people, it’s not healing. I’ve understood that throughout my life and I found myself someone that had an emotional presence with me. Someone who is emotionally present with you is someone who shares your moments with you without an agenda or plan and have no expectation of you, you are free to say anything with no fears of judgment. They are curious to listen, and handle everything with you. I told a client of mine to bring me to their Hell, and we’ll go through it together. Finding someone to go through my Hell with me was the only way I ever started healing from traumas of my life and allows me to do the same for others in my work.

I don’t know if these quotes will help, but you came to mind when I read it. This is from a book called Emotional Presence in Psychoanalysis by Dr. John Madonna. It’s late in his book where he’s speaking about loss and brings up grief and two stages of grief that aren’t part of the popular stages of grief psychology speaks about.

“During the first, or impact phase, shock and denial are intense. One feels violently torn from one’s “assumptive world,” that is, from the fundamental sense of security enabled by the rules and beliefs to which we subscribed to ensure constancy and safety. So massive is the rupture that we become emotionally numb, fall into a state of disbelief and disorientation. We can feel alienated from others, ourselves and life in general. During the next phase, the chaos phase, when the numbness wears off, vulnerability to damaging emotional and physical repercussions often result. A feeling of powerlessness, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, and depression can crescendo into disturbed perceptions, inordinate behavior and a perverse sense of dis-equilibrium (pp. 181).”

Every once in a great while, my Psychoanalyst I see weekly, will give me a framework for how I’m feeling. Such as the quote above. It’s to make everything that’s going on feel less chaotic enough to be able to speak and get just a bit centered. With the quote above, you can be in and out of both of the phases, being numb and then feeling very vulnerable and depressed and back to numb. It's not wrong to be severely disorientated after what happened.

Just ideas and quotes in the service of trying to shorten your pain by finding the root of why this happened somehow won’t work to create healing. Firefighter’s don’t run into a burning building and find the candle that started the fire and bring it outside. The building would still be burning and nothing would be fixed. My best advice is to find someone you are comfortable enough to talk with that cares to hear, listen and understand you as I had spoken about above. One of the problems with the pain of severe betrayal is that it rips you away from everyone because if we can’t trust the person we gave all of our love to, how can we trust anyone? The most destructive thing to do is to avoid finding a constructive relationship with someone. There are people out there who don't care what you bring to them, they'll be there.

Let me know if you have any questions about anything I said or specific ones.

[dollhouse]

I was just reading some of your own particular posts in your thread, [MENTION=85495]CantMoveOn[/MENTION], because I don't have a lot of time ATM to read through all fully... but will give you a reply and then with more time to sort through your other replies back to other members and gleen more info ..I can talk on this more with you, if you'd like.
Lovebroken prompted me to your thread.

I think it is awful that ... he gave a ring bought years ago for a woman he loved to the next woman he dated and proposed to right after you... and if I read this wrong please correct me... after you both discussed that in leaving the token behind he does not do that to you, out of respect...I'd be pissed off too if I had the same conversation and the other person agreed.... It makes you wonder then when someone who claimed to love and love you goes back on a promise that means so much what else they never meant too, Am I right on that? Is this where it all begins with your questioning, or even before that point?

I think if all you needed to do was tell someone he hid you away from the truth, no matter the time that passed and if you felt that would garner any kind of closure I would have said Go for it!! I don't see why your therapist wouldn't have encouraged it to, and helped you word out what you wanted to say, so it wasn't so full of passion but more logical and composed.

My ex.. cheated on me with a girl he was working with and broken up with me right before Christmas, I had no idea and we had a long relationship as well, not as long as you had from your posts but it was quite awhile and I was blindsided and that was what caused me the most pain to have someone who I trusted 100 percent be so disloyal.

[Hooo!]

And the pain is good because it makes you feel the loss.
However there will come a time where you chose to become happy again and where you sit down take a piece of paper and write down possibilities for a new happy and healthy you.
There will come a time where you lets say register for a dating site or enjoy the company of other people
The time when you wonder what you want now instead and then the Realisation that this is actually so much better then the misery you'd have been in otherwise