How to get out...?

[Mish]

You left out the most important part of my original statement. Love is what is left over after infatuation wears down if you are lucky. I already said this guy wasn't lucky. Not every relationship is meant to be.

If it's not meant to be then it should be ended early. Not extended for a period of 4 years with a quick escape afterwards with no work to make things better imo. Infatuation doesn't take so long to wear out, most of the time you're at that stage after year one.

Funny, only people who have never been married think LTRs are somehow equivalent to marriage. If they were equivalent, there wouldn't be so many people balking at taking the plunge.

I never said they were equivalent. Just that they have a lot more in common than LTR and casual dating.

[vashti]

Sorry, but you just aren't going to convince me that a person is obligated to do ANYTHING before they are married that has not been explicitly agreed to. I don't care if they dated 4 years.

[Cain]

I think the problem with this situation is that she knew it wasn't going anywhere long before today and she just strung him along. It's good that she's doing the right thing now, but it shouldn't have happened this long.

[Mish]

Sorry, but you just aren't going to convince me that a person is obligated to do ANYTHING before they are married that has not been explicitly agreed to. I don't care if they dated 4 years.

You don't believe one can explicitly agree to be in a serious committed relationship with commitment to look after their partner without signing a legal document?

There are many people in serious committed relationships who are not married Vash. Miso is one of them. Marriage is not where committment begins. If it was no one would be married, you need a substantial period of committed relationship time before marriage, people would simply not get to that stage.

[vashti]

Whatever makes you happy. I don't care to argue about this anymore. I don't feel she owes him anything more than the gentlest possible breakup, and I am not going to be convinced otherwise.

I do think your motives for believing she does owe him more are very much connected with your own dating history, though. You might want to examine that.

[Cain]

Whatever makes you happy. I don't care to argue about this anymore. I don't feel she owes him anything more than the gentlest possible breakup, and I am not going to be convinced otherwise.

I do think your motives for believing she does owe him more are very much connected with your own dating history, though. You might want to examine that.

I don't have a history of that in relationships and I feel like she shouldn't have strung him along. She knew it wasn't going anywhere as evidenced by the fact she stated that was the reason she cheated on him.

She doesn't have to stay. It's good that she's leaving. But to string him along for years when she knew it wasn't going to work is only going to bring more hurt his way.

[Mish]

I do think your motives for believing she does owe him more are very much connected with your own dating history, though.

No, noone has ever made a quick escape on me. All past break ups in my long term relationships were either initiated by me or were mutual. The break up in my relationship last year was mutual as well. I decided I didn't want to baby seat her anymore and she decided she's had enough of my antiques.

[Charlie Boy II]

breakups are part-and-parcel of relationships. What on earth's so hard to accept about that? If you want a "guarantee" that your partner is never going to leave you, get married. Isn't that, above all, what differentiates a marriage from a relationship? An explicit, (though obviously not always honoured), guarantee that you are going to stay together, no matter what.

It's fairly clear the people nursing perceived romantic injustices in this thread. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship. Of course it causes hurt, but that's unavoidable and there is an implicit acceptance of that risk when anyone begins a romantic relationship, in my opinion.

[Cain]

breakups are part-and-parcel of relationships. What on earth's so hard to accept about that? If you want a "guarantee" that your partner is never going to leave you, get married. Isn't that, above all, what differentiates a marriage from a relationship? An explicit, (though obviously not always honoured), guarantee that you are going to stay together, no matter what.

It's fairly clear the people nursing perceived romantic injustices in this thread. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship. Of course it causes hurt, but that's unavoidable and there is an implicit acceptance of that risk when anyone begins a romantic relationship, in my opinion.

I'm in a spot where I agree with vash and mish to an extent. I agree with vash that she has every right to end this relationship. There was no agreement to stay together. Until marriage, it's just a relationship.

But I agree with mish that she should have ended it sooner as to avoid more hurt. Just because they weren't married doesn't mean she can rightfully string him along for as long as she chooses. She knew the relationship was ending a lot sooner than now.

[IndiReloaded]

Just because they weren't married doesn't mean she can rightfully string him along for as long as she chooses. She knew the relationship was ending a lot sooner than now.

Yes, she should have. And HE should have been alert to the fact that something was wrong. I have NO doubt there were signs.

Charlie already said it. If you decide to enter any relationship, its really caveat emptor (buyer beware).

There's a reason for the phrase 'Eyes Wide Shut' in relationships. While sometimes its necessary, it also causes a lot of unnecessary problems & prolonged pain when taken to extremes.

[twisted]

Cain, I know you have issues with cheating and such and that's fine if you keep bringing it up. What is not fine with me is you repeating that I have been leading him on all this time. First, I entered the relationship with the intention, up until about a year ago, of marrying him and having his children. Second, there are elements to the history of our relationship that you don't know and it's very arrogant of you to make that kind of statement. Just an example: the recent, very premature and very unexpected, death of his mother.

I am not trying to justify the cheating or the fact that I am basically having an emotional affair in the meantime with another person. I am just saying that it's easier said than done to just "break up" when certain things happen in a relationship, whether there are kids or not, or marriage. That's why I started the thread, to ask for help and advice, not to be told that I am leading him on. I know the reasons for which I am still with him and only I need to know them. It's obvious that after over 4 years of being with this person almost constantly, I do care about not hurting him, and it's my priority now to do the least amount of damage possible to his ego and his life in general. But like Indi said, there undoubtedly were signs, conflicts, and all the rest. Things still haven't changed. And now there's complacency. And my guilty conscience. And the need for the things that are missing between us.

And just as a side note, i only just recently realized that there wasn't actual chemistry between us. Partially because I met someone with whom there WAS that real, rare thing that clicked, and partially just because now after years, we really don't have that much to say to each other. It's sad and it breaks my heart.

[Cain]

Regardless of whether you lost interest in this relationship a year ago or three years ago, the point is that you still knew in your heart this relationship wasn't going to work and you just strung him along. My opinion of cheating has nothing to do with this. The only reason I mention your cheating in this thread is because your reasons for cheating were because there was something missing in the relationship and that you knew you and he were having major issues that couldn't be worked out. If you knew it then, why did you not just end it then?

You make it seem like you were doing him a favor by not breaking his heart when his mother died. In fact, I think it might have been around the best time do to it. At least then his heart would be broken only once in a two year period. Now you're going to break his heart again just because you didn't want to be the bad guy when his mom died.

Like I said, I'm glad you're finally going to end it with him so he can move on and find someone that will truly love him and hopefully you can someday do the same. You want to minimize the hurt? That's not going to really happen. He's going to be extremely hurt no matter what unless he knew deep down the relationship was over.

Just end it. Don't waste another few months thinking of the best way. Get it over with. And in my opinion, he deserves to know you cheated on him just like you'd deserve to know if he cheated on you. The anger that he might feel can help him get over it a lot quicker.

[twisted]

I think he does know it's over. I just wish that instead of me having to be the one to initiate, it could just be mutual. He keeps saying he's the stronger one between us, but he's the one who is clinging to something he knows isn't working.

[Cain]

Maybe he'll surprise you and be completely fine with the breakup. But you need to do it asap. The longer it takes the harder it'll be.

[someonelse]

Oh that would hurt... she's all expecting him to fall apart and he's coo see ya.