I messed up severely and want to fix things

[Wakeup]

"careless statements" key words.

[michelle23]

your point?

[stupidguy123]

I know what I did was wrong, whether it's forgivable or not is up to her, at the moment I don't think she will forgive me. I know all you jock type people will tell me to grow a pair and get over it but I seriously love this girl and it hurts when she's not around and when I know how much she hurts and that a massive part of her life has been ruined by me.

I know as well that what we had wasn't perfect but it was something that we were working on. And I want her back more than anything I've ever wanted. I know I made a mistake and believe me it will never happen again. This is the first and last time I have had any crossover in a relationship of any type and I recognise that it is an evil thing to do in my situation and so hurtful. I know I have learnt from this and I hope she can find peace in time, I don't know how to help with that, I have admitted what I did and said it was my fault, I know I chose to do what I did even if I was drunk.

What else can I do to help her?

[Wakeup]

I seriously love this girl and it hurts when she's not around and when I know how much she hurts and that a massive part of her life has been ruined by me.

Problem is, she didn't love you back the way you loved her. If she did, she would have committed to you as your exclusive partner.

I want her back more than anything I've ever wanted.

You never had her and in that, she kept you in some sort of purgatory from finding someone who wants you totally.

I know I made a mistake and believe me it will never happen again.

The only mistake you made is not breaking up with her when she didn't want to be your exclusive girlfriend.

This is the first and last time I have had any crossover in a relationship of any type and I recognise that it is an evil thing to do in my situation and so hurtful. I know I have learnt from this and I hope she can find peace in time, I don't know how to help with that, I have admitted what I did and said it was my fault, I know I chose to do what I did even if I was drunk.

You need to forgive yourself now that you've learned a lesson (to stay away from friends for sex partners even if the one you wants says you can screw others) Forgive yourself and forget she who did not want to be your exclusive girlfriend. You actually did her a favor by giving her an excuse to sever from you completely. Now you can find someone who wants you the same way you want them ~ this was not that girl.

What else can I do to help her?

To help her? You need to concentrate on helping yourself to accept that this girl didn't want you like you wanted her and to help yourself get on without her stagnating you in your addiction to her and the limbo she kept you in.

[stupidguy123]

Problem is, she didn't love you back the way you loved her. If she did, she would have committed to you as your exclusive partner.

You never had her and in that, she kept you in some sort of purgatory from finding someone who wants you totally.

The only mistake you made is not breaking up with her when she didn't want to be your exclusive girlfriend.

You need to forgive yourself now that you've learned a lesson (to stay away from friends for sex partners even if the one you wants says you can screw others) Forgive yourself and forget she who did not want to be your exclusive girlfriend. You actually did her a favor by giving her an excuse to sever from you completely. Now you can find someone who wants you the same way you want them ~ this was not that girl.

To help her? You need to concentrate on helping yourself to accept that this girl didn't want you like you wanted her and to help yourself get on without her stagnating you in your addiction to her and the limbo she kept you in.

I hear what you're saying but I don't agree at all. We were working on things and were pretty much seeing each other when I was forced to tell her what happened. I knew that there were problems historically and it wasn't the best way to start a relationship but just because she had struggles with some areas in her life, like commitment, doesn't mean that she was treating me bad. I can forgive myself for what I did, I have had to forgive myself for worse stuff in the past but I still want to have another relationship with her because the love we had for each other were real even if the commitment was lacking at some points.

[smackie9]

It's funny you were trying to say that what he did was ok, but instead your comment just confirmed that what he did was immoral.

This is directed at Michelle's comment #34.

I said he shouldn't have done it, but that doesn't mean I meant it was immoral. Just a use of poor judgement.

[smackie9]

I hear what you're saying but I don't agree at all. We were working on things and were pretty much seeing each other when I was forced to tell her what happened. I knew that there were problems historically and it wasn't the best way to start a relationship but just because she had struggles with some areas in her life, like commitment, doesn't mean that she was treating me bad. I can forgive myself for what I did, I have had to forgive myself for worse stuff in the past but I still want to have another relationship with her because the love we had for each other were real even if the commitment was lacking at some points.

You are in a bad spot. Here is a girl you love, that has insecurity issues about relationships, and you boinked her best friend. Me personally would never talk to you again. Sorry I don't think all the sucking up in the world is going to get her back.....you've burned that bridge.

To add I could never forgive my best friend either....that relationship would be over too.

[pcmaster]

As long as you have true feelings its not too late. But you have to start from zero and prove that certain things you are doing only for her. Make the friend you slept with ask tour GF how she is - like you asked her that and all the time talking about your GF. Send her flowers and basicaly just surrender her with your love in most direct ways shes letting you untill theres no more wall in between.

Any girls confidence would be hurt after cheating - it need to be restored. You have to prove once again that shes safe with you.

Girls like when men are trying to get them back(just give her a reason to brag with her friends about, try the things you see in movies) - she might disrespect you and call dog shit all the time and thats good - it shows that shes still is hurt and need to be healed.

And if she is sending you away than just come back better every time untill theres no reason to say no. Like competetive athletes do in sports. - Take care and dont drink or anything control yourself than you will be able to control her too.

[Wakeup]

We were working on things and were pretty much seeing each other when I was forced to tell her what happened.

yes.. you've said that before. Thing is, she would not commit to exclusivity with you. She knew how much you wanted to be her exclusive boyfriend and she still wouldn't commit to exclusivity and she even went as far as to tell you be with other women sexually. That is a friend with benefits. or, if you were'nt doing her then, you were a platonic friend who enjoyed the attention you layed on her. YOU were working on things... she was stringing you along emotionally because she was afraid to let you go AND she was also afraid to to keep you. A person who does not know what they want is the worst type of person to be in love with... look what happened to you because she couldn't make up her mind.

I can forgive myself for what I did, I have had to forgive myself for worse stuff in the past but I still want to have another relationship with her because the love we had for each other were real even if the commitment was lacking at some points.

I hope for your own sake that you soon see that your romantification of what you had with her isn't the reality of it. If it were, then you doing what she told you to do wouldn't cause her to completely sever with you.

You don't see it now, but you will one day realize that you are far better off out of her spell and onto a better, more suitable mate who reciprocates your feelings equally.

I knew that there were problems historically and it wasn't the best way to start a relationship but just because she had struggles with some areas in her life, like commitment, doesn't mean that she was treating me bad.

Oh, she was treating you "bad" though. You just don't realize that yet because you're still clinging to your addiction to her. She kept you stagnated emotionally, unable to let go while she enjoyed your attention when it suited her. Now that she's gone, you can eventually find someone who knows what they want and won't tell you to fvck other women and then freak out when you do. (I think she has more issues than "fear of commitment." What haven't you told us about her, Stupidguy?)

[Wakeup]

Further to above: If you send her flowers when she's treated you like shit, (by leaving you abruptly for just doing what she said you should do) then you are teaching her that you will accept any crap she throws your way and she will sub-consciously find you even less likely to be boyfriend material because you have no backbone and accept crappy treatment while trying to blackmail your way back in with manipulation (flowers). Your call, but don't grasp at things you want to hear as if they are good things you should be doing. If she is sending you away, then go. If she wants you back, she knows where she can find you... don't wait around for her while she decides and lose even more dating time with others just hoping.

[stupidguy123]

I won't be sending her flowers to blackmail her back. I did do something wrong by sleeping with her friend and she did something wrong too. I think what I did was more obvious and what she did was more subtle. She knew she was doing it wrong and said I was stupid for still seeing her etc. But as time went on that changed and we were having a relationship, even though we hadn't spoken about it because it was a sore spot. unfortunately that happened after I had slept with her friend.

I am willing to work at things with her because they were improving and I still would if the current issues got sorted. I haven't had much change to speak to her about what I did because when I told her she told me to leave without me giving details etc. She has texted me saying stuff I said wasn't true etc. I have told her that I can explain to her all the things that happened if she wants but it has to be in person or over the phone. Once she has responded to that I am going to tell her that we shouldn't talk any more, for a while at least. Does that sound like I am treating her fairly?

[Wakeup]

As I said, she severed this half-assed romantic relationship you two had together ~ she knows where you are and if she's realized she's made a mistake and wants to try a REAL romantic relationship with you, she knows where to find you.

It will seem counter-productive to you to go no contact but that is exactly what you should do and let her decide if she's better off with you or without you. She needs to be the one that makes that decision on her own, to be sure that she knows what she wants. If she contacts you, then at least you know you haven't manipulated the contact, it's been volunteered. Take things from there but don't be her emotional tampon anymore by accepting her tidbits. Know what YOU want and don't settle for anything less. Don't wait for her contact forever. Give yourself a reasonable time to wait while you work on keeping yourself busy and improving you to be the best you that you can be. Then if she hasn't initiated, work towards acceptance that it's over, work to be emotionally free of her for good and then find your mate who you were meant to be with.

Be well and don't grovel one more second for her affections.

[michelle23]

OP I am being honest here when i say you are wasting your time. You need to let her go. She is not going to forgive you or her friend. She will be upset and angry for a long time. She wont even want to say hello to you if she passes you on the street-never mind anything else.

As a girl I know for a fact no woman in their right minfd would try to forgive that. My ex cheated on me witj my worst enemy-he knew we hated each other and still went off with her. Even if we wernt together and he did that-i would never have forgiven him.

There are lines you dont cross and you need to accept its well and truly over. What you did was not just hurtful but humiliating and if she did try to make it work-everyone you know would call her an idiot.

Plus even if she really really tried to forgive she will never forget and she would just feel insecure throughout the whole relationship.

[stupidguy123]

OP I am being honest here when i say you are wasting your time. You need to let her go. She is not going to forgive you or her friend. She will be upset and angry for a long time. She wont even want to say hello to you if she passes you on the street-never mind anything else.

As a girl I know for a fact no woman in their right minfd would try to forgive that. My ex cheated on me witj my worst enemy-he knew we hated each other and still went off with her. Even if we wernt together and he did that-i would never have forgiven him.

There are lines you dont cross and you need to accept its well and truly over. What you did was not just hurtful but humiliating and if she did try to make it work-everyone you know would call her an idiot.

Plus even if she really really tried to forgive she will never forget and she would just feel insecure throughout the whole relationship.

I guess you may be right, she might not forgive me. But the truth is that we weren't in a relationship and I wouldn't cheat if we were. I hope that can restore some of her trust. I'm not holding out on her forgiving me and giving things another go but want this to happen more than anything.

If the boot was on the other foot I would be able to forgive her, I know that and I think I would want to give things another go if it were a mistake when things weren't clear to us. After all, drunken sex is meaningless, it's not even fun unless it's with someone you care about.

[Wakeup]

Well, I think you should forget about her as well but for different reasons (as already stated)

But the truth is that we weren't in a relationship and I wouldn't cheat if we were

Yes, there was no "cheating" going on here. The only wrong that you committed was vague in itself due to the fact that there were no boundaries set up on her "go and have sex with other women." An opportunity presented itself and you took it being a single man. Her female friend is more in the wrong than I think you are. It was her friend, not yours and you are a free man to do as you like and as she gave you permission to do.

Does she have emotional problems, a history of abuse, neglect etc that you know of, that presented themselves when you were friends, Stupidguy?

To add: Is she still friends with the girl you bopped?