Men, lets see if you can help me understand more, re: porn

[Gigabitch]

Ah yes, my stance is unreasonable. Of course it is. Being told by my husband that he was not in to porn, believing him and then learning.....years later....the he lied makes me the unreasonable one.

Again, this is a problem with LYING. Gribble thinks your stance on porn is unreasonable, not your stance on lying. Not the same thing.

[dewilliams2]

You are being unreasonable about the porn....have you not noticed a trend here? There are women in this thread even saying that.

Now the lying and the dating websites yea thats wrong...the porn isn't a big deal its that he lied about it but you seem hung up on that aspect more than the lying.

I found porn and a dildo while looking for a pillow case one time at my parents house....I was about 16...I was terribly grossed out but not shocked....I'm a relatively normal adult now and it truly isn't that big of a deal....of course I never told them....and I didn't get the pillow case.

[AzAlwaya]

AzAlwaya, he probably prefers porn to the affections of a cold, judgmental shrew. You probably feel quite superior to people who enjoy porn, but you come across here as kind of a jerk. Cheating is wrong, but for men, masturbation is practically a basic bodily function.

I do not recall stating masturbation is wrong.

I am judgemental when it comes to some one telling me some thing, marrying me knowing he was lying to me and then making excuses and not owning up to his actions. I don't mind being a what some consider a 'shrew'. I do still have some of my morals left about me. Not many, but some. lol

[lahnnabell]

The kids were observing more than just a porn magazine on the coffee table. They saw suspicious behavior and sneakiness surrounding their father's actions. And he did a poor job of keeping it hidden from them. According to the OP, her children have all sorts of questions why daddy is doing what he's doing, and it is her responsibility to explain all this to them in a way that a child can understand and come to terms with it. That is quite different than potentially going into your parents bedroom (their personal space) to get something. Children should not be allowed into their parents rooms without consent. I hope that dildo and porn you found were in their room and not in a linen closet or something!

[AzAlwaya]

I think your stance towards porn is extremely idealistic and unrealistic, but your concerns about him contacting other women are appropriate. And honestly, the thing that would make me the most angry is that he was dumb enough to be caught by a child. With the porn, I could look the other way. (In fact, I have overlooked worse.) His indiscretion makes it impossible to overlook. And that he lied about not being interested in porn? eh... what can you expect? He fell in love with someone who disapproved strongly. I am not surprised he lied about it.

I understand that some view my stance on porn as you have stated. That is fine. I have never lied about my stance.

Working through his porn issues once lead to other things. I refuse to go against my grain any longer.

If my husband was half the man I thought he was he would not have taken me along on this ride lying to me from the beginning. If he felt my stance was so unreasonable he should have walked away instead of lying to me....for years. I know that I would have considered it. But you see, his lying took that choice away from me.

The pain he brought on to our daughters is some thing I do not feel I could ever get past. Or forgive, and I am indeed a very forgiving person, even if it does not appear so.

[Gigabitch]

So it's pretty well established that he's a lying sleaze. Azalwaya, if I were you, I would drop the porn issue. It's just obscuring the real issues, which are the lying and the pursuing of other women. It's like you caught your dog chewing your sandal and you keep yelling, "Sandal! Sandal! Sandal!" instead of "No chewing!". It doesn't matter WHAT he lied about, it's the fact that he lied.

Yes, it's your prerogative to be as freaked out about porn as you like, but if you keep honking on about it, you're going to alienate a lot of your support. Most people don't agree with you.

I do think you should chuck him.

[AzAlwaya]

You are being unreasonable about the porn....have you not noticed a trend here? There are women in this thread even saying that.

Now the lying and the dating websites yea thats wrong...the porn isn't a big deal its that he lied about it but you seem hung up on that aspect more than the lying.

I found porn and a dildo while looking for a pillow case one time at my parents house....I was about 16...I was terribly grossed out but not shocked....I'm a relatively normal adult now and it truly isn't that big of a deal....of course I never told them....and I didn't get the pillow case.

If I remember correctly, we did move past his porn once. I did not leave, I did not go high and to the right. Where did it lead? So much for giving him that 'choice' so many feel all men are entitled to.

I have never been one to follow along with all the trends.

His lying is indeed one of the most important aspects of the demise of our marriage. Our daughters and how he has allowed them to find that crap and his excuses ranks second. Now, had he not been such an ass to begin with none of these particular issues would have had to be dealt with.

On a side note..........our daughter together, who is 10, is NOT aware of anything. My daughters, who are 18 and 16, whom he has raised since they were 4 and 6, are the daughters I am talking about. And no, I have not 'shoved' my stance on to my daughters.

[AzAlwaya]

So it's pretty well established that he's a lying sleaze. Azalwaya, if I were you, I would drop the porn issue. It's just obscuring the real issues, which are the lying and the pursuing of other women. It's like you caught your dog chewing your sandal and you keep yelling, "Sandal! Sandal! Sandal!" instead of "No chewing!". It doesn't matter WHAT he lied about, it's the fact that he lied.

Yes, it's your prerogative to be as freaked out about porn as you like, but if you keep honking on about it, you're going to alienate a lot of your support. Most people don't agree with you.

I do think you should chuck him.

Thank you. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me what I may very well need to hear and re-read several times...................without assuming I am deserving of his treatment. Or that our children are. I do appreciate that. I will keep your advice close in mind until it sinks in.

[dono01]

If you don't mind my asking, is that because you truly just don't want to or is this because of an agreement between you and your wife?

It is because I feel that it can be harmful to my marriage. I personally do not believe it to be beneficial to my marriage in any way so I try to avoid it. My wife happens to agree with me, but it is under my own accord. I still want to sometimes, but because of my view on it, I try and put my accord before my lust. It's a personal choice I have made though.

[Gribble]

So you're going to let your marriage dissolve because your husband engages in something perfectly normal that you take a nutso moral high ground against? If anything you're the immoral one. I'm fairly certain that your teenaged daughters have seen worse and likely done a few things themselves. Stumbling on their dad's porn stash, while awkward, is hardly traumatizing.

He lied because, unfortunately for him, he fell in love with you and he wanted to keep you happy. Whether or not he watches porn is none of your business, whether you think it is or not. If the worst he's ever done is lie about his porn habits I think you're a very, very lucky woman.

[lahnnabell]

Gribble, you yourself are lying and using your own girlfriend for sex and nothing more. I think your opinion on the subject of lying is void.

[vashti]

AzAlwaya - the way you set the tone for your girls will have a LOT to do with how they react. If you are morally outraged and offended - to the point that you would leave him because of the porn - they will obviously view this as more scandalous than had you laughed about how ridiculous men are about it.

I hope you are giving them a realistic idea about how prevalent porn really is, even while you don't condone it.

Lahnna - coming from someone who has been posting her a LONG time, I can tell you truly: gribble is actually one of the more honest men posting on this forum.

[Gigabitch]

So you're going to let your marriage dissolve because your husband engages in something perfectly normal that you take a nutso moral high ground against? If anything you're the immoral one. I'm fairly certain that your teenaged daughters have seen worse and likely done a few things themselves. Stumbling on their dad's porn stash, while awkward, is hardly traumatizing.

He lied because, unfortunately for him, he fell in love with you and he wanted to keep you happy. Whether or not he watches porn is none of your business, whether you think it is or not. If the worst he's ever done is lie about his porn habits I think you're a very, very lucky woman.

Now you're the one focusing on the porn instead of the real issue.

Gribble, he's registered on dating sites and listing himself as "divorced". THIS is the problem.

[Gribble]

Well that's definitely a problem. All I see is porn, porn, porn. It must not be a major concern of hers if it's so well buried in this thread.

[lahnnabell]

Because several people failed to read the posts thoroughly and were continuously harping on about the porn issue. Now some more air has been cleared the more important issues are being addressed.