married and confused:( :(

[misombra]

My mom has fibromyalgia. They tried to say it was psychosomatic because they didnt know what was happening. I think now they are likening it to ms. She has random bouts of debilitating pain.

[misombra]

She was one of the first people to be doagnosed with fibromyalgia. She gets steroid injections and it helps her a lot.

[vashti]

She gets steroid injections and it helps her a lot.

Good point. I should have said to avoid *narcotic* pain relief measures.

[Wakeup]

Later she knew she was in the wrong and said that she would get the appointment cancled, she worked on supper, then said "I love you" wanting me to respond and I did not! She hurt me very deeply last night and I know that I hurt her, later in the night she wanted to "talk" about it once the kids were home and I would not!

Communication is what you two need to be doing more of. Next time you have a arguement/disagreement I suggest that you get it resolved and don't be mirroring her attempts at manipulation. She may have hurt you but she tried to apologise and she wanted to talk about it. Communication and resolution is key, just keep it calm because the kids don't need to be hearing you two go at it tooth and nail. I think kids can understand the odd disagreement as long as they are also witnessing a resolution and loving actions and not just the disagreements that never seem to end.

It's good to stick up for yourself and not let her manipulate you, but it's not healthy for you to protect yourself by using manipulation tactics either.

I wonder, if you told her to go sleep on the couch do you think she would have gone? Somehow I doubt she would have. You shouldn't either. It's your bed just as much as it is hers.

[bcgirl]

Communication is key....BUT..... living with someone who suffers from mental illness is VERY difficult. It is like living with an alcoholic or a drug user. YOU WILL NEVER WIN AND YOUR POINT WILL NEVER COME ACROSS! This makes the relationship double the challenge. Sure she may be sorry for the last fight you had....but she has mental issues and that won't stop her enough to put an end to all the next fights she will create if you do decide to hang out with your buddies at the bar. Sure, you can give her tough love and say "NO" to her......but, it really drains all your energy. Once you say "NO", she will get mad and start a fight and then things will escalate and then there ya go...another fight. She isn't your child, she is your wife. You don't need to baby her and tell her to clean her room. Don't be a co-dependant. Just make it clear to her and say it once.....sit her down and be very serious.......you've had enough, and if she doesn't change A), B), & C) then you will file for divorce this time for sure and take custody of the kids. She will cry and whine and yell.....you, just walk away.

[bulrush]

Your impromptu boys night out wasn't the greatest idea. Whenever my hubby does something like that I hate it because it feels like he can go and do as he pleases yet I am stuck at home.

My ex got mad when I would go out, after the baby was about a year old. We talked about it, and she never asked for me to watch the baby while SHE went out. Her problem, not mine. Don't mean to be mean, but she had communication problems. Well, after our talk, she asked to go out more and for me to watch the baby, and I did, no problem. She was also happier when she came home.

OP: it's not your fault if your wife has bad communication skills, but you need to talk about her communication skills. If she wants to go out and you stay home and watch the kids, suggest that to her.

Whatever her illness is, she is stressed trying to deal with it and SHE needs to figure out what eases the stress for HER. It's not your job to figure that out for her.

I would also say avoid the narcotics route. It does not get better, it only gets worse, the body gets used to one narcotic, then you need a stronger one, until there is no stronger one left. By that time the patient is a raging lunatic, frustrated that no more meds work, assuming there will always be a better pill to help them. Not true.

[isbell76]

again thank you all, I did tell her this evening face to face ( she wanted me to text her durning the day and I would not do it) what all was going on, and yes she is on meds for the mental disorder. She says she is sorry for the fight and says that she did not say divorce councleing yet in a pm she sent me on fb she did say she was sorry for saying that, what the hell?? I know she is back treading and trying not to make it worse. She says she does not know why she is pushing me away. Of course she was balling and crying and I did not confort her! did not back down, I held my ground!

[IndiReloaded]

Its hard to find a balance b/t not enabling her and being unkind. I know you are frustrated and noone is caring for *your* needs right now, but watch your motives, isbell.

[bcgirl]

My ex got mad when I would go out, after the baby was about a year old. We talked about it, and she never asked for me to watch the baby while SHE went out. Her problem, not mine. Don't mean to be mean, but she had communication problems. Well, after our talk, she asked to go out more and for me to watch the baby, and I did, no problem. She was also happier when she came home.

the thing is that it probably isn't just one issue that can be resolved by communication. I believe it is much, much deeper than that. It is 25 yrs of constant problems and issues that haven't been resolved but instead have been tossed in a big hole which just piles up with all of the other unresolved issues....until one day that hole is just going to over flow with sh*t. It's undoing 25 flippin years of habits and then worse....adding to the equation a mentally ill woman who doesn't get any better but worse. Sometimes its true what they say about the old saying..."you can't fix what's already broken". I think it's really just as simple as breaking it down to it's basics. These two were just not meant to be with each other compatibility-wise. Perhaps these two people are alpha dogs (dominant)...you need one to be the dominant one and the other to be the submissive one. Neither will back down...which escalades to a full blown fight. Ex/ Wife b*tches at husband accusing him of cheating when he is going out with buddies. He gets pissed off and mad and instead of saying "oh, wifey i'm so sorry i will never do that again", he stands up for himself. She doesn't back down either and starts prying and nagging on the subject and brings up others. I suspect this type of argument is no different than many others they've had in the past. It's a match made in hell in my opinion. And although counselling and therapy can help give the tools to handle aspects of a relationship better....the bottom line is, an old dog is not going to change it's old ways.

[Wakeup]

you need one to be the dominant one and the other to be the submissive one.

I totally disagree with that. Ideally you take turns being dominant in things that you excell at within the family dynamic and submissive to the other when it is where they excel. No one wants to be dominated all of the time in all things.

Ex/ Wife b*tches at husband accusing him of cheating when he is going out with buddies. He gets pissed off and mad and instead of saying "oh, wifey i'm so sorry i will never do that again", he stands up for himself. She doesn't back down either and starts prying and nagging on the subject and brings up others. I suspect this type of argument is no different than many others they've had in the past. It's a match made in hell in my opinion. And although counselling and therapy can help give the tools to handle aspects of a relationship better....the bottom line is, an old dog is not going to change it's old ways.

I think you're thinking about your parents and how they were at logger heads. And, there is no doubt that what you describe happens when two people get on each other's nerves and the marriage becomes as stand off at the Okay Corral however; I don't believe that either Op or his wife are that unyielding or unable to learn new tricks. Not by what he's disclosed thus far, anyway.

I'll agree to disagree on this one, BC.

[isbell76]

Well as for as my motive.... I worry about my kids first! How everything she does affect them! Usally I can be a buffer for them but any more I am getting wore out! When she keeps repeating the same things over and over and within a couple days it is realy getting old! Right now she is so focused on lossing me that she is trying to do almost anything.

[Wakeup]

When does your couple counceling begin?

There is a chance that with her condition that you thought you could deal with but have come to discover that you can't without professional guidance on how to work with her, that you'll still not be able to get to a point where you're both content with the way things are within your marriage. At least after getting some training on how not to enable dysfunction and all the other things you both need to unlearn and you've put it in practice.. if after that its still too hard for the both of you then at least when you leave, you, yourself will have the tools to not fall into the same kind of thing with someone new.

[IndiReloaded]

Sometimes counselling will help you decide its best to leave.

[isbell76]

our counceling is to start Jan 16th. and yes I kind of have a feeling that our counceling is going to lead to the end for the two of us. The last fight we had I was so cold about it and had no feeling or emotion in it. I know that is not good!

[bcgirl]

Well as for as my motive.... I worry about my kids first! How everything she does affect them! Usally I can be a buffer for them but any more I am getting wore out! When she keeps repeating the same things over and over and within a couple days it is realy getting old! Right now she is so focused on lossing me that she is trying to do almost anything.

how old r the kids?