Would You Want to Know?

[lesa]

It is a very difficult situation to analyze. Because my ex and I were together for over 7 years we have a deep history. He has told me things no one, not even his mother knows. When we broke up I told him to please never discuss our history. I have never told anyone of his “secrets”. That was two years ago and now I really like my bf but have no plans to ever discuss the secrets of the ex. He does not need to know. However, if the information is going to affect the current partner in any way then yes I think something needs to be said. It does not need to be details and it is difficult to respect the person who told you to keep things secret and respect the current partner.

In this case, it seems that she wanted to keep their sleeping together secret. That is a strange secret to have. When you first asked, and his recalled that this was a secret, he felt he had to respect the friend. Now, he feels he must respect you more and tell you. He could not keep something like that to himself especially since she is still in contact. I take information like this much better at the beginning of the relationship. He told you after developing a long history and trust. I understand how you feel. It is surely a trust issue. He feels in need to let you know it. He would rather you know it eventually than never. Yes, he lied in the past but he wants you to really trust him.

My concern is why she wants to keep that information secret? Maybe she did not want it to interfere with her relationship with you. But if he had told you at the beginning, would she behave the same? Would her behavior be different if she knows that you know? How would she know that you know? Is she expecting and knowing that he will keep this secret from you and continue contacting you as if it is secret. That’s why it is a strange secret because she talks to you guys…..she or he could have came out at anytime. That is the issue. This is not a “healthy” secret to have. It is very weird for him to just bring it up now. That means it was bothering him all this time. He should be disturbed that she wanted that type of info secret. I guess they both wanted to be in your life and not have you feel uncomfortable. Why now he has to “get it off his chest”? Was someone possibly threatening to tell you if he didn’t? Why is he that kind of friend with her knowing that this is sensitive stuff? If I was him I would have told her that although I will care for her I cannot have this type of contact now that I am with my fiancé. He knew this info was drama type of stuff yet he held it in letting it bother him all this time.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeeaaa, Lesa! What she said, Giga.

I'd thank you but I can't on this computer. Later (or some mod do it for me ,please!)

[GrkScorp]

I feel so miserable.

:Showers Giga with attention:

Giga.., this might just be the sun-burn talking.., but boy does this sun-burn hurt!

Anyway.., I think you're letting it eat you up alive.., and you really shouldn't..

For whatever reason.., he didn't feel comfortable telling you.., maybe he thought you would react and get very upset if he told you that he slept with someone you were now friendly with.., who knows? But it doesn't mean that there's still something there..

Here's something interesting.., "things are never a big deal.., unless you make them into a big deal"

If you start making that girl at work into "who's that girl at work? I don't trust her.., do you like her?".., then all of a sudden.., she starts to become more than that girl at work..

Should you let this girl bother you? No.., Should you let the fact that he lied about it bother you? Somewhat.., but I think you're more frustrated over the fact that you don't know exactly "why" he lied about it.., more than you are over what he lied about..

Should you marry a liar? No.., Should you marry someone who doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth? No.., You should marry someone both honest.., and comfortable enough to communicate things to you.., you're absolutely right.., and not the least bit unreasonable..

Try working on finding out.., by talking.., why he didn't feel comfortable enough telling you that part of his history.., and see if it's something that you can both work on..

Good luck Giga.., muah..

And cheer up

Best,

GrkScorp

[Gigabitch]

She wanted it kept secret because it's something that really shouldn't have happened for a number of reasons. It could damage the relationship she has right now, and what's worse, my boyfriend was, and still is, very, very close with her ex. This girl is more like a sister to him than she is to me, supposedly, and she never, ever wanted anyone to know what happened.

I think dropping that bomb on her would only serve to compound the issue at this point. When it comes down to it, it isn't about her at all; it's about him.

People have things that are super important to them. For some, it's drug use. For some, it's jail time. For CAM, it's tattoos. For me, a big one is lying.

He didn't have a lot of credit in the Bank of Trust anyway. Maybe it's a good thing this surfaced when it did. Maybe this is for the best.

[misombra]

what a sneaky thing for him to do.

i'm sorry giga. let him stay away for a little while.

[lesa]

It is good that he is finally honest about it. It’s difficult because he wanted to keep her secret and not lie to you. Why did they remain close friends with constant contact? Why did they not choose a cordial work relationship instead of remaining close friends? Why is she friends with you and why is he friends with her man? It can definitely not be a siblings-like relationship. Other than the potential drama, I do not think they want to intentionally harm anyone. I suppose it was a mistake but I would have ended the friendship if I knew my partner was going to be involved. My two possible new rules are: no one-night stand and no friendship with ex-partners if it is going to affect current partner in any way. That is my main issue. Why keep friendship with anyone that is going to affect the current partner. He MUST work on that if he wants an open, honest, and trusting relationship. Maybe that is what he is working on.

Okay, I am deviating off topic a little but when my ex-fiance was getting ready to settle down, he started telling me all types of things about himself. It’s good to do that. He wanted to go into marriage with an open and honest relationship. It may be a man thing and I really appreciate his honesty.

Men start to change a little while preparing for marriage. My guess is that he is getting ready to end his close friendship with her and her man. He is going to start sacrificing others for you. It’s like a confession before marriage.

As for the intentional lying, one possibly reason for it is that he was concerned that you may tell his friend’s man what happened. After getting to know you well he knows that you will not. He is trying to keep her secret and be honest with you at the same time. I am guessing that it was bothering him all this time because he knows how you feel about lying.

[misombra]

you know that phrase about malice and stupidity. i think your boyfriend is stupid. he does stupid shit. he could've let the lie go on longer. he could've waited years. some people have.

i think he's stupid and he's scared. he's scared to lose you. he didn't want to hurt you.

even now you say he doesn't even realize it was a lie, he probably didn't before.

i bet it was eating him inside, but he was torn. he made this promise to her and obviously he knows how it would affect things for her if it got out. maybe he thought you would go to her and tell her all about it and it would've all blown up.

maybe he wanted to forget it happened to so he could move on and have a relationship with you that's as untainted as possible.

i think this is an issue of how you both are perceiving things.

it is hard to be lied to or to have something kept from you like that. that is very painful and i totally empathize.

but once things cool down i think you all will be able to get past this. people do dumb shit, that is one thing you can always expect from people.

as for the whole moral thing, i don't know if i'd say he has moral problems. if he didn't tell you, and let you believe the untruth for a long, long time, i would say that yes, there is some kind of moral problem. the fact that it ate him up so much that he felt like he should tell you knowing the pain and anguish it would cause leads me to believe that he can't keep a secret too long.

stupid, stupid man he is.

[Gigabitch]

Do you think he should have come clean about this before asking me to marry him?

[misombra]

would it have mattered if he told you before he asked you to marry him? time would still have lapsed...

i don't think he even thought about it. he was probably thinking not about her and what they'd done, but you guys and your future life together.

[IndiReloaded]

She wanted it kept secret because it's something that really shouldn't have happened for a number of reasons. It could damage the relationship she has right now, and what's worse, my boyfriend was, and still is, very, very close with her ex. This girl is more like a sister to him than she is to me, supposedly, and she never, ever wanted anyone to know what happened.

Okay, I'll ask: he's NOT carrying a torch for this gal, is he?

We all know that 'like a sister' line, is just that. Esp if he slept w/her. I've heard it before.

Be honest, Giga. Don't let the gibbering monkey answer. Is there any data that this might be true?

WHAT has he been saying to explain himself? "I don't know why" really doesn't cut it for this.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you think he should have come clean about this before asking me to marry him?

would it have mattered if he told you before he asked you to marry him?

He *should* have told you all when you had the talk. He didn't, so that means there was a reason he withheld this & not the rest.

Can't put the genie back into the bottle, tho. What do you want to do about it? Is he a dog that can still learn from a rolled up newspaper, or not?

you know that phrase about malice and stupidity.

I agree. BUT I will say that this isn't the first issue you've had with him. It sounds like the circumstances around this gal are dubious, else why the big secret even now?

He cheated with someone before, yes?

You don't want to be the relationship police, you want someone you can trust. Guys f-up all the time, its their nature. Same as its ours to bitch. But its the intentions that count, ultimately. Without good intentions you have no hope they will evolve.

Perhaps he should chew on the idea of this for a while. Set him the problem, but let him come up with the correct answer, if he can. Your job is to help him grow (& he you), but not to drag him there kicking & screaming.

Pros & cons, Giga, we all have them. I know its hard right now, but what does he do that's good for you & your relationship?

[GrkScorp]

Do you think he should have come clean about this before asking me to marry him?

Umm.., let me think.., hmm.., YEAH!

I think both people have a right to know who they're going to be spending the rest of their lives with.., what's that old movie.., Beverly Hills Madam.., where the guy is at a party with his new fiance' and every other guy there is telling him that she used to be a hooker.., and then they go back up to their room.., and they are about to have sex.., and he tells her.., "give me the special".., she's like.., "what?".., and he goes on to say.., "common.., do me good.., just like everyone else.., i'll pay extra.., make it worth your time.., whore.., I can't believe you didn't tell me.., did you think I wouldn't find out? How do you think it feels, walking around and having everyone else look at you.., for being engaged to a whore.., and being the only one who doesn't know!" (and then he leaves.., and she's in the room crying)

It goes unsaid.., that the person you're thinking of spending the rest of your life with.., has every right to know everything about you and your past.., and you obviously have the same right to that information..

You'll be the judge of what's "important" or not.., but you're morally entitled to "full disclosure"..

Beyond that.., from a guy's point of view.., if you're in a relationship with someone.., and her name happens to be Giga.., and you're with this amazing person for years.., and this little issue comes up.., it's really not that big of a deal to do the following:

"Hey.., Giga.., I just want to tell you.., that me and this girl.., we had sex.., way before me and you started seeing each other.., and there's nothing between us now.., BUT.., I wanted you to know.., because I don't want there to be any secrets between me and you.., there can be secrets between us and other people.., but no secrets between me and you.., so I wanted you to know.., although.., you can't tell her or her ex that I told you this.., as far as you know.., you don't know anything.., it's because of some issue she has.."

It's not a big deal.., if two people don't have that kind of priority for not keeping secrets from each other.., then what the fcuk? This is someone you're about to marry.., this is someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with.., as one joint unit.., there is no you and me.., there is only "us".., and between "us".., there are no secrets.., because if there are.., then it's not "us" yet.., it's still just you and me.., and that means we're not ready to take that next step yet..

I think you need to teach this guy a lesson in where his priorities need to be.., your partner is the one you can count on the most.., the one you can trust the most.., the one you can stand with.., against the big bad world.., and take it on together.., and they're the last person you want to keep secrets from.., you want a smooth and perfect flow of information.., full disclosure.., if you don't have trust and total comfort with your partner.., then they're just a friend.., or a "friend"..

You need to knock some sense into this boy Giga..

Best,

GrkScorp

[lesa]

Okay, I'll ask: he's NOT carrying a torch for this gal, is he?

We all know that 'like a sister' line, is just that. Esp if he slept w/her. I've heard it before.

Is there any data that this might be true?

WHAT has he been saying to explain himself? "I don't know why" really doesn't cut it for this.

Exactly. Also, don’t choose his words for him. Ask the question generally and then allow him to explain it all in his own words. She can never be a sister if he slept with her. At the least he is a friend but why is he so close to her and her boyfriend?

He *should* have told you all when you had the talk. He didn't, so that means there was a reason he withheld this & not the rest.

Yes, when you asked him the first time he felt very dedicated to his friend and not you at the time. What are his feelings about that? He told you the reasons but how do he feel about it. Ask him about his feelings on the situation without choosing his words. Let him explain himself completely. Then you can analyze what he tells you afterwards.

He cheated with someone before, yes?

I am very concerned about this statement. He cheated on someone else and not you I assume. You must get the COMPLETE reasoning behind this cheating. This is vital. I have major issues with cheating and must know the reasoning. If the reason was because they broke up or “revenge” type of cheating then I am more willing to continue a relationship. If he is a “real” cheater….meaning he did it because he could and other BS explanations then he will do it again. I believe “real” cheaters never stop cheating. They have to fight the temptation for the rest of their life. Is he close to her because he is (was) hoping they can get together? Now he sees that it is not possible and he decides to tell you like a type of confession thing to get off his chest? (After all, he is getting married now so he believes his chance of getting with his friend is over.)

Pros & cons, Giga, we all have them. I know its hard right now, but what does he do that's good for you & your relationship?

Yes it is hard…especially for serious relationships. Write the pros and cons of this man and go from there.

[vashti]

I question the timing. Is it possible he is getting cold feet about the wedding?

[Gigabitch]

At the least he is a friend but why is he so close to her and her boyfriend?

All right. I'll tell you. If you mean, why is he so very, very close with her ex, it's because she dated his brother for many years. His brother.

I am very concerned about this statement. He cheated on someone else and not you I assume. You must get the COMPLETE reasoning behind this cheating. This is vital.

To put it plainly: he and his ex had reached a point in their relationship where things were not easy. They went on vacation with some friends of hers, she chose to go to bed early, and he chose to stay up late and proceed to get totally drunk with her friend and end up in bed with her.

The part that I found really appalling about this story was that later, when he was confessing this to me, he made it out to be his girlfriend's fault, because she went to bed early.

Okay, I can't really marry this guy, can I, no matter how much I love him?

I question the timing. Is it possible he is getting cold feet about the wedding?

I don't know if he is, but I sure am.