Is this toxic?

[Roses919191]

He's not ready to marry. He wants time and space without you. And you interpret this as him wanting to commit to you.

One thing's for sure, of all the time and effort put in by posters trying to help you - you haven't learned a damn thing.

Well these stories happen. I think he would've gone years dating me but refusing to commit- just the constant "I'm not ready, when I'm ready I'll let you know" without thought. Taking me for granted on daily basis. But maybe now that I'm gone and I finally just said "you know you're right , If I love you I should respect you and give you space," maybe now that I'm moved out he Will miss and apprecuate

[dontaskme]

But maybe now that I'm gone and I finally just said "you know you're right , If I love you I should respect you and give you space," maybe now that I'm moved out he Will miss and apprecuate

No he won't miss you but he will appreciate the fact that you are gone and will have his freedom back to date anyone without having a girlfriend to nag him about marriage.

Accept it, your bf used you for sex while he could but knew all along that you were not the person he would want to take home to mom and dad.

Your stubbornness to accept this from the very beginning caused you to waste precious dating years with the wrong person.

[Roses919191]

No he won't miss you but he will appreciate the fact that you are gone and will have his freedom back to date anyone without having a girlfriend to nag him about marriage.

Accept it, your bf used you for sex while he could but knew all along that you were not the person he would want to take home to mom and dad.

Your stubbornness to accept this from the very beginning caused you to waste precious dating years with the wrong person.

Not true, he said he intended "dating to lead to marriage," he just has no idea when he'll ever be ready. I think what he said last night was positive. He looked sad and says he just needs a little space to process everything right now and then we can talk

[basilandthyme]

Not true, he said he intended "dating to lead to marriage," he just has no idea when he'll ever be ready. I think what he said last night was positive. He looked sad and says he just needs a little space to process everything right now and then we can talk

Rubbish. In a good relationship, one doesn't need time away from a partner to process an issue. With the right partner, issues are worked out while staying together. Imagine if all couples needed the other to go away while they think about issues pertaining to the future!! Truly, this type of thing doesn't happen in relationships where one values the other's time and company.

He will find his readiness for marriage when he gets the right girl. You are not the girl he intends to marry.

[Roses919191]

Rubbish. In a good relationship, one doesn't need time away from a partner to process an issue. With the right partner, issues are worked out while staying together. Imagine if all couples needed the other to go away while they think about issues pertaining to the
future!!

He will find his readiness for marriage when he gets the right girl. You are not the girl he intends to marry.

One of the posters on here even reminded me of a situation she knew where rh man wasn't "ready" for marriage, the woman went no contact and 3 months
Later he came back with a ring. This guy has never had a chance to miss or wonder about me- I've always been a sure thing

[basilandthyme]

OK fine. This relationship is not toxic. He loves you and wants to marry you. And pigs will fly.

[dontaskme]

One of the posters on here even reminded me of a situation she knew where rh man wasn't "ready" for marriage, the woman went no contact and 3 months
Later he came back with a ring. This guy has never had a chance to miss or wonder about me- I've always been a sure thing

Come back here in a few months and open a new thread on why he hasn't missed you yet

[Roses919191]

Come back here in a few months and open a new thread on why he hasn't missed you yet

I can't believe people think a man who told me we'd get married someday is just using me and will never want to speak to me again. Did it mean nothing that he gave me that long hug and said he'll be ready to talk again after taking some time and space to process things? He's lived alone for years, went 12 years without going home to see his family, and his sister begged me to make him care more about their family. So clearly he's a guy who will need some space and then he'll start missing me. He admitted himself that he's not looking to date anyone else & he knows he'd never find better

[dontaskme]

And you believe all of this bullshit because....?

What has he given you beside those empty promises to hold onto his words?

B&T is right, when a guy is committed to his partner, he wouldn't push the partner away to figure things out. Instead, they will work together to resolve whatever issues they have.

I once pulled that kind of bullshit to a guy I was dating. When I wasn't feeling it anymore, I told him I needed space to figure things out but the truth was that it was my cop out way of saying I want out of the relationship. He then asked me "if you are committed to me, then why do you need space and time to figure this alone instead of working on it together?" I was left speechless and he knew right there and then that it was over for us.

It's a very common excuse people use especially when we are trying to avoid an overly theatrical way to exit a relationship hoping that the other person will get it and volunteer to do the breaking up. It's really a coward way to do it but it's the best way to dump someone clingy, needy, and outrageously dramatic.

[basilandthyme]

I can't believe people think a man who told me we'd get married someday is just using me and will never want to speak to me again. Did it mean nothing that he gave me that long hug and said he'll be ready to talk again after taking some time and space to process things? He's lived alone for years, went 12 years without going home to see his family, and his sister begged me to make him care more about their family. So clearly he's a guy who will need some space and then he'll start missing me. He admitted himself that he's not looking to date anyone else & he knows he'd never find better

At this point, it's just words and telling you that you need to go away. Now, if you came here today and told us that he'd proposed and set a date, I may be willing to give him the benefit of doubt. But as it is? I just see more bullshit.

He'd never find better? Now you're just vain and delusional. Nobody on earth is that perfect. Not even me! Everyone has more than one good match out there.

[Roses919191]

At this point, it's just words and telling you that you need to go away. Now, if you came here today and told us that he'd proposed and set a date, I may be willing to give him the benefit of doubt. But as it is? I just see more bullshit.

.

True. Only time will tell. When we were together he'd say "we need to build the proper foundation for marriage instead of just jump into it." He'd mention things like joining a church group, seeing a counselor once, starting joint bank account. But any Time I actually tried to take action on those he wouldn't follow through. I'm just hoping that how sad he looked & the way he gave me a long hug & told me we would talk after he takes time is promiskbg. I've heard about men who become "ready" once they see what it's like to be without a woman.

- - - Updated - - -

Also he's always solved things apart. Any time I'd bring up future, ask why I couldn't meet his family, etc he'd stone cold ignore me usually for several days. Stare at wall

[Roses919191]

I just would like to know what to say when we finally talk again to get him back, to show him I've changed and now I'll respect him and his space

[basilandthyme]

True. Only time will tell. When we were together he'd say "we need to build the proper foundation for marriage instead of just jump into it." He'd mention things like joining a church group, seeing a counselor once, starting joint bank account. But any Time I actually tried to take action on those he wouldn't follow through. I'm just hoping that how sad he looked & the way he gave me a long hug & told me we would talk after he takes time is promiskbg. I've heard about men who become "ready" once they see what it's like to be without a woman.

- - - Updated - - -

Also he's always solved things apart. Any time I'd bring up future, ask why I couldn't meet his family, etc he'd stone cold ignore me usually for several days. Stare at wall

Men more frequently become ready for marriage when they find the right girl. A man who dithers and postpones generally doesn't have a girl who he really sees in his future.

Do you realise that you're basing your ideas of him changing on a sad face and a long hug? This is NOTHING!!! If he had begged forgiveness for messing you about, proposed and set a date, then perhaps he may be changing. But what you're focusing on is a pathetic nothing on his behalf.

You are wanting a guy who's all false promises and inability to communicate. Is his position and career really so important to you that you'd overlook such blatant personality flaws? I guess so.

Not that it matters, nothing is going to change. It's all just empty promises to shut you up.

[Roses919191]

[QUOTE=basilandthyme;1017008]

Do you realise that you're basing your ideas of him changing on a sad face and a long hug? This is NOTHING!!! If he had begged forgiveness for messing you about, proposed and set a date, then perhaps he may be changing. But what you're focusing on is a pathetic nothing on his behalf.

You are wanting a guy who's all false promises and inability to communicate. Is his position and career really so important to you that you'd overlook such blatant personality flaws? I guess so.

Well he only said "I love you and I do want to marry you someday " after over a year, and it was only in response to me saying "not really sure we're on the same page, I mean I've said I love you, and I eventually do want marriage and kids etc." and as soon as he said it he tried to sneak out to a bar with another girl whom he'd been flirting with. Is that a clear sign he didn't mean what he said? Besides on a daily basis he couldn't be bothered to look up from his work ( even with no deadline looming) and talk to me or cook or eat dinner with me. So then why did he ask me to live with him
Given All this, and pay attention to me somehow

[basilandthyme]

The most likely reason he asked you to move in was because he wanted you to keep house for him. He certainly didn't ask you to move in because he enjoys your company.

The bigger question is why did you move in with a guy who was out toying with other women after he said he loves you? Why did you move in with a guy who couldn't be bothered to look you up? Why did you move in with a guy who wouldn't cook with you, or talk with you or eat dinner with you? Why did you believe that he loved you when his actions showed the opposite?

Oh wait, you are with him because he has the right job title.

The things he said to you most recently - the sad face and needing to think - he most likely went out and hooked up with another girl straight after he said it. He knows that you'll put up with anything just to have a man with his job title.

But seriously, why are you complaining when he's exactly what you want in a man: A guy with the right job title who doesn't care about you. I really have no idea why you're upset about what's going on.