What if my needs aren't compatible with my marriage?

[IndiReloaded]

That's a scary thought. Can you explain it further? I don't understand how you came to think that I don't need/want my wife based on what I wrote. Thank you.

I was just guessing because you are predicting negative feelings about her responses w/o giving her a chance. I saw this in a couple of your comments. For some, that might mean you aren't really into her and you flip it in your head to make it her fault.

I hope you love and want your wife. Do you?

[jak123]

Yes I do. If I didn't love my wife I would be using the changes I have undergone in the last year as an excuse to get out of my marriage. After being with her for 15 years, I know what she likes and doesn't like. She is very vanilla, and has no sex drive(there are reasons for her lack of sex drive that aren't at issue here). She and I have a quickie just for me once every couple weeks, but it's takes me asking several times to get her to do it, all the while I'm being rejected. We have talked many times about the topic, and we both know that's all she is willing to do for me. It had always been enough for me, except now because the changes I have undergone (mentioned in the older post), I recognize it's not enough.

What I want is for someone to desire me for my physical self. Having my base sexual requirement "tolerated" once every couple weeks is no longer enough. I need to be wanted as a sexual being.

But with all that said, I do love her, and I'm not going to go into this conversation we're going to have assuming that having an affair is the only option. I want us to come up with options together. If we both agree that having affair is suitable, then that's what will happen. If she isn't ok with that, then it is her and my responsibility to come up with other options that work for both of us.

[IndiReloaded]

Well it's not easy when needs misalign. If love is truly at the core of your marriage, then if you keep communicating you should be able to find the right answer.

There are 2 aspect of your issue to consider. It's one thing for someone to desire you for you. It's another thing to take gratification from it. You are saying you want the first, but I think you also want the 2nd.

Consider: there are lots of people who like to be admired and desired. Most of them don't go outside their marriages for gratification.

At some point, you will have to get specific on what and how much you need. Without that, you are setting your wife up for failure, no matter what she does or tries. That's very unfair.

[woody]

external validation in excess can be a difficult beast to tame.
The only people that can figure this out for you and your wife is you and your wife.

[Wakeup]

Well, a psycho-sexual therapist might be able to help the two of them figure it out... as might a marriage counselor. First thing Op needs to figure out is himself... which I pointed out several posts ago. If he doesn't know what it is he needs then how can he help someone to give him that?

Op: Is it a man that you want to be desired by or even another woman for that matter or your wife? If she were to perk up her sexuality would that actually be what you "need?"

[woody]

yes wu, therapy all round for every little or big thing which always starts with the persons decision to do so.. yes yes, we know, your the greatest

[Wakeup]

I'm aware .. Ya don't need to tell me that

[jak123]

Well it's not easy when needs misalign. If love is truly at the core of your marriage, then if you keep communicating you should be able to find the right answer.

There are 2 aspect of your issue to consider. It's one thing for someone to desire you for you. It's another thing to take gratification from it. You are saying you want the first, but I think you also want the 2nd.

Consider: there are lots of people who like to be admired and desired. Most of them don't go outside their marriages for gratification.

At some point, you will have to get specific on what and how much you need. Without that, you are setting your wife up for failure, no matter what she does or tries. That's very unfair.

That's a good point. I need to desired, but I also want to get off. I want to reap the natural consequence of being in a situation where someone desires you for your body, which is of course sex.

The people who like to be desired, but don't get desired, and don't go outside the marriage to be desired, are not in my situation. I need to be desired to feel whole, and I recognize my right and responsibility to create a situation wherein my needs are met. No one is responsible for putting me in a situation where my needs get met but me.

As for being specific about what my needs are, that is where I am right now. For years I neither recognized that my needs weren't being met nor had the capability to explain what my needs are. Since February I have been aware that my needs aren't being met, and only now in April do I have the capability to explain what they are in as specific terms as necessary. That is why I haven't talked to my wife about this yet, I wasn't ready, and it would be an undue burden on her to know about this problem when I couldn't help to find a solution yet. Also, she works 60-hour weeks through tax season, so I wanted to wait until it was over before we had The Talk.

- - - Updated - - -

Well, a psycho-sexual therapist might be able to help the two of them figure it out... as might a marriage counselor. First thing Op needs to figure out is himself... which I pointed out several posts ago. If he doesn't know what it is he needs then how can he help someone to give him that?

Op: Is it a man that you want to be desired by or even another woman for that matter or your wife? If she were to perk up her sexuality would that actually be what you "need?"

That's what took me until April, figuring out myself. I know so much more about how I tick than I have. I've uncovered childhood traumas and how they have affected me, and learned how to heal from them, and I've learned how to value myself and determine what is fair and not fair for me to expect from life. It has been incredible to grow as much as I have this season. I partially have you all to thank, being able to hear straight talk and be told that my innermost thoughts are smart or dumb has helped me to self-edit and determine what in my head is BS and what is legit.

I don't need a specific gender to desire me, or even someone other than my wife. I now know that I would much rather have all my needs met by my wife than have to entertain the thought of getting them met outside the marriage. Apologies for being crude, but I have separated the thoughts that are coming from my genitals and the thoughts that are coming from a valid place in my brain. Long gone are the days where I think things like "my need is to sleep around". That was pure ignorance. I know my worth, I know my responsibilities and where my loyalties should be, and I am confident that my wife and I will resolve this issue.


As of now I consider the issue closed. You all are welcome to continue talking about it or giving me advice, I'll come back here every couple weeks to check it out. Thank you all so much for your help.

[eve.ashley]

you were never crude. all the best from me and my family to you and yours.

[Wakeup]

That's what took me until April, figuring out myself. I know so much more about how I tick than I have. I've uncovered childhood traumas and how they have affected me, and learned how to heal from them, and I've learned how to value myself and determine what is fair and not fair for me to expect from life. It has been incredible to grow as much as I have this season. I partially have you all to thank, being able to hear straight talk and be told that my innermost thoughts are smart or dumb has helped me to self-edit and determine what in my head is BS and what is legit.

I don't need a specific gender to desire me, or even someone other than my wife. I now know that I would much rather have all my needs met by my wife than have to entertain the thought of getting them met outside the marriage. Apologies for being crude, but I have separated the thoughts that are coming from my genitals and the thoughts that are coming from a valid place in my brain. Long gone are the days where I think things like "my need is to sleep around". That was pure ignorance. I know my worth, I know my responsibilities and where my loyalties should be, and I am confident that my wife and I will resolve this issue.


As of now I consider the issue closed. You all are welcome to continue talking about it or giving me advice, I'll come back here every couple weeks to check it out. Thank you all so much for your help.

Nice to read, Jak.

Do keep us updated now and then. It's always nice to hear someone is successfully working through their dilemma.

Cheers.

[jak123]

Thanks Wakeup. I have a epilogue to this story. This past Tuesday I sat down with my wife and we had a long talk. I told her everything that I've been thinking, and she suggested that I go outside the marriage to get my physical needs met. It came out later in the conversation that it was an idea that I had considered also, but I was glad she brought it up. She had been thinking about it for a few weeks, since she heard a report on the radio about couples that do that. We hashed out some rules, like who else gets to know about the situation, never in the marital bed, don't tell her about any of it except when she asks, and of course to always be safe.

Even though it's only been 2 days and I haven't even spoken to an potential partners, I feel much better. I feel able to chart a course instead of being trapped. I'm now taking the first steps toward figuring out how to meet like-minded people of any gender.