In love with a girl who has a BF

[Aeradalia]

Not an unending hunt ... a wasted life.

Carl.

Alas it is their life to waste...

[carl1222]

BF/GF is dating, not the same as a commitment in my book. Of course, if two people promise to abstain from having sex with other people, then they should honor that agreement or break up before they violate that agreement.

But I know you have deep-seated insecurities about competition, and I know I won't change anyone's mind.

No ... dating is dating ... BF/GF is a commitment to more than just dating... ahhh ... why do I bother?

Carl.

[vashti]

When do you think it should end, vashti? 30? 40? 80? never????? .

When you get married, of course.

[Mish]

When you get married, of course.

Why should it end when you get married? Why not continue?

[vashti]

Why should it end when you get married? Why not continue?

Because when you get married, the relationship no longer involves merely 2 people, but entire FAMILIES, which most often include children.

[Aeradalia]

Because when you get married, the relationship no longer involves merely 2 people, but entire FAMILIES, which most often include children.

Tell that to all the baby's mommas out there... and those who raise families outside of marriage... or divorced families.

Marriage is just a contract regulated by the law... no where in a marriage contract does it specify that the right to start a family is only available when you are married.

Your views of what constitutes a commitment are way too black and white... and needs to be revised.

It is the commitment between two people that needs to be protected... not the marriage --- not the piece of paper. This commitment is possible with or without a marriage... it is also lost during a marriage as well. So the idea of marriage does not automatically equate commitment.

[Mish]

Because when you get married, the relationship no longer involves merely 2 people, but entire FAMILIES, which most often include children.

Most non marital long term relationships also no longer involve merely two people, but entire families sometimes with children. In OPs case, the two had been together for 4 years.

[carl1222]

When you get married, of course.

Ahhh ... now I understand your point of view, vashti ...

Up until the time she wears the big white dress ... she and he are free to keep looking for better. He can feel free to f**k the bridesmaid (Godfather) on the wedding morning, why not?. The commitment springs from the wedding vows. For you, commitment is black and white. No ring, no commitment. No steps of commitment in between. No promising to concentrate on trying to make it work. No promising to be faithful unless it doesn't.

Carl.

[vashti]

Tell that to all the baby's mommas out there... and those who raise families outside of marriage... or divorced families.

Marriage is just a contract regulated by the law... no where in a marriage contract does it specify that the right to start a family is only available when you are married.

Your views of what constitutes a commitment are way too black and white... and needs to be revised.

Go back and read. I already addressed non-married relationships when there are children involved.

Considering I have been married longer than anyone else on this board (although I believe indi is close), I'd say that pretty much makes me a relative expert, and so I don't plan to change my views anytime soon, but as I pointed out more than once, you are free to disagree. In fact, before I was married, i probably would have agreed with you all.

[carl1222]

Go back and read. I already addressed non-married relationships when there are children involved.

Considering I have been married longer than anyone else on this board (although I believe indi is close), I'd say that pretty much makes me a relative expert, and so I don't plan to change my views anytime soon, but as I pointed out more than once, you are free to disagree. In fact, before I was married, i probably would have agreed with you all.

That is soooo smug, vashti. Conceited as well.

[Aeradalia]

Go back and read. I already addressed non-married relationships when there are children involved.

Considering I have been married longer than anyone else on this board (although I believe indi is close), I'd say that pretty much makes me a relative expert, and so I don't plan to change my views anytime soon, but as I pointed out more than once, you are free to disagree. In fact, before I was married, i probably would have agreed with you all.

Just because you decided to actually 'try' once you got married doesn't mean your views of how to act before a marriage were justified.

[vashti]

Just because you decided to actually 'try' once you got married doesn't mean your views of how to act before a marriage were justified.

WTF are you talking about? You jump to a lot of silly conclusions.

Just because I didn't feel married before I actually WAS doesn't mean I ran around or ever advocated it.

You all are getting pretty defensive, so I think I will leave off this thread for a while.

[IndiReloaded]

Re: marriage length, its not smugness Carl. Vash's point is about accumulated experience. Would you be more inclined to accept advice from a great doctor w/20 years experience or one with just a couple, or none.

I've been married almost as long as Vash, I think. The difference, experience-wise is that my marriage is a first marriage for both of us. Not sure that is true for Vash. I think we have different experiences about certain things b/c of this, which is all good as far as this board goes. I have no experience w/blended families or having to deal with exes, for example. I tend to be a bit more oblivious about certain things.

FWIW, I agree with Vash for the most part. BF/GF is just a test-run for marriage.

[Cain]

I didn't read all the responses, but I trust that some of the posters here have offered the right advice.

My opinion on the matter is that you should simply give it up. What if you do confess your love for her and she decides to leave her bf? You'll be happy, right? Until she leaves you for someone else. If she jumps from better to better, then what makes you think you're the best?

[uri]

Being in love with someone who is married or already has a very long term boyfriend can be a painful experience. It's painful to know that the heart of someone you love already belongs to someone else.

That is why I believe that true love isn't love for one. True love is felt for many people and that's most people can't achieve. Also true love expects nothing from the other person in return, a true unrequited love.

In Star Wars master Yoda said and when I think about it it's so true also in real life: "Attachment leads to jealousy, the shadow of greed that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose".