A little help needed

[shh!]

You haven't called him... that doesn't sound like a weak person to me. You sound like a person in pain, but not a weakling.

Don't call him, hun. Hang in there.

[starbuck]

MB, if you get back together with him, where will you be? Right back in the same place where you were, unhappy with his lying and cheating (go back and read your first post).

You're also giving him no impetus to change by taking him back. No matter what you say to him, he will get the message that he can do what he wants because you'll take him back regardless. If this man is ever going to change (which seems doubtful), he needs to do so on his own.

The pain you're going through now will pass. You will get stronger on your own. If you take him back, the pain of being frequently lied to will continue. MB, do you really think you'll be happy with him and his lies? Why are you so afraid of being alone?

[Junket]

You shouldn't be sad.

You should be pissed off.

You should feed your anger more.

[mamabird]

Thanks again!!!! I was really down last night and just had to get it out.

Starbuck-I'm not afraid of being alone,I love living alone.I just love him and miss him,but your right I won't be any better off if I take him back.At least this way time will make it better and I just have to get thru the low points.And I don't have to be alone,my ex husband would take me back in a minute,but I don't know if I can do that.

Frasbee- I am mad,but more at myself for believing his lies for 3 yrs,for letting him lie to me and not stopping it before now.And last night I reached my breaking point.I'm in my late 30's and have been a SI since I was in my early teens.I have done really good for over a year(it was over him last time too),but last night I couldn't take it any more and broke down and SIed again.I'm feeling better this morning and have found a forum for SI and I'm hoping they can help me back on the wagon.

Thank you all once again,I'm sure I couldn't have made it this far without all your help!!!!!

[1averagejoe]

You don't need your ex-boyfriend or your ex-husband. You need to be with yourself and friends. Keep yourself busy, do something that gets you out there to meet people. You don't need anyone right now except friends. You are not a weakling, he's the weak pansy for being such an asshole to you.

A person can be brave, but it doesn't mean they aren't scared. The same applies to your situation, you may be hurting, but you're holding strong through this. If you were weak you would be throwing yourself back at this guy. You should be proud of yourself.

By SI you don't mean suicidal thoughts, do you? I'm sure you're going through a lot of pain right now but it will subside and get better, I promise. Look ten miles down the road, it's going to take time and work, but good things will come of it. Just remember, there will always be someone who will care for you, someone that will treat you with respect and dignity, and someone that will love you.

You seem like a sweet lady, I'm sure there's a great guy out there looking for someone just like you. Have patience, just give it time, and you'll find that great guy.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey Mama,

I think if you think about it, you're not missing HIM. You're missing the feeling of being with someone. But he's no good for you, you know this. So, if you can keep the two straight in your mind when things get hard, then you'll be able to make it through & quash that desire to contact him when you know you shouldn't. Go ahead, get mad, say 'fcuk him, I don't need his shit' to yourself when it comes up. You're allowed.

Remember, lots of ppl have made it past breakups & divorce. That's not to make light of your situation at all, it should actually be a comfort: if they can do it, so can you.

And I would definitely find a safe, private place to let out your frustration. Cry if that helps & won't bring you down into depression (in other words, go for that headache but then get up & go for a head-clearing walk after).

Also, I'm sure your time is limited but you should consider an empowering hobby if you can manage it. A lot of women have found something like martial arts (karate, jujitsu, aikido) is very helpful for regaining balance. Plus, the dojo culture is generally friendly & supportive. And if you are stressed, there's nothing like beating the shit out of a bag or board to get out your frustration.

Take care hun & keep your chin up, you're doing fine.

[mamabird]

Thanks 1averagejoe!!!! Posts like that are truly what keep me strong and moving forward!!!! I don't have any friends,for real.My life is revolves around my birds and dogs and I don't get out much.

NO SI is not suicidal thoughts,I could never bear to leave my birds and dogs alone to have to find new homes after what some of them have already been thru. SI is Self Injury,I won't go into any more about it here, because I sure wouldn't want someone else to travel that road because they read my post about it.

Thank you again!!!!!!!!

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks 1averagejoe!!!! Posts like that are truly what keep me strong and moving forward!!!! I don't have any friends,for real.My life is revolves around my birds and dogs and I don't get out much.

Do you enjoy going out, or are you a home body by choice? Do you work outside of the home (sorry if you already said elsewhere)?

[mamabird]

IndiReloaded- I do get mad at him and think bad things about him,heck I even thought about trying to find a good voodoo doll to use on him or have a spell cast on him so he could never get an erection again Then usually I end up being mad at myself for letting it go on so long and for giving him 3 yrs of my life.

Your right some of my missing him maybe just be missing having him in my life.But there is more to it then that,aside from his lies,we had a great connection. He was the first man I was ever 100% comfortable in the bedroom with.I miss his smell,the tender way he would put his hand in my back when we were waiting in line somewhere,the way he always held my hand when we were walking some where.Oh well I better stop going down that road and get back to what a huge lying a**hole he is or I will be in for a bad night again tonight.

My free time is pretty limited,but $ more so right now.With the economy the way it is ,my business has been very slow lately,so I am pinching pennies. I know I'll get thru this and when I do it will be because I found all of you!!!!

[mamabird]

Do you enjoy going out, or are you a home body by choice? Do you work outside of the home (sorry if you already said elsewhere)?

I'm a home body by choice,I'm a very shy person and much more comfortable at home.I have my own business where I work from home and I work for another company doing books,but that is on my own schedule and no one is there when I go in.

[1averagejoe]

So you own a bird shop and live where you work 24/7/365? Have you thought about taking weekends to do something for yourself? I don't know where you're from, but maybe take up cycling and get involved in a local cycling club? It's great exercise and you meet tons of people, depending where you live.

You need to get out and meet people, you seem like a strong person but everyone needs friends, and to socialize with others.

[IndiReloaded]

But there is more to it then that,aside from his lies,we had a great connection. He was the first man I was ever 100% comfortable in the bedroom with.I miss his smell,the tender way he would put his hand in my back when we were waiting in line somewhere,the way he always held my hand when we were walking some where.

Don't forget the fact that he disrespects you with lying and cheating. What he was doing with you was just his MO. As you know, he was probably the same w/his 'other women'. The guy sounds like a smooth operator. A bit of player if you ask me.

The 'connnection' you describe is NOT what I consider to be a solid relationship. Its just gravy that is missing the delicious steak that should come with it. When you get out & date again (and you will), you'll be a lot wiser and not fooled by these superficial 'feel good' traits. Look for a guy who respects you, supports your goals & wants to *grow* with you. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Sounds to me like you were the one holding this relationship together for as long as it lasted. That's not just unfair, its damn insulting. You will do much better than him, believe it.

[mamabird]

So you own a bird shop and live where you work 24/7/365? Have you thought about taking weekends to do something for yourself? I don't know where you're from, but maybe take up cycling and get involved in a local cycling club? It's great exercise and you meet tons of people, depending where you live.

You need to get out and meet people, you seem like a strong person but everyone needs friends, and to socialize with others.

No I don't own a bird store,all my birds are my pets.I make and sell bird toys on line,that is what my business is. With 26 birds and 2 Saints I really can't get away for much time at all.I have thought about cycling,to get out and vent and be free for a little bit,but I don't have a bike and no $ for right now.I keep watching when I go my sales to see if I can find a cheap one somewhere.

[IndiReloaded]

You need to get out more. This isn't just a suggestion, btw. This is a mental health Rx.

[starbuck]

The fact that you're not afraid to be alone is a really great quality to have. Alot of people end up in bad relationships or stay in bad ones because of this fear. My last relationship was a baddie, with a load of red flags which I chose to ignore partly because of the fear of being alone, and partly because of my ex's magnetic personality. He could be very good at telling me what I wanted to hear until I saw through it. Towards the end, all his words were hollow.

That you are not afraid is definitely worth pat on the back. Keep it up!