Knowing it's the right thing, but hurting - well just because it always does

[Junsui]

I remember when I acted like that it was because I felt bad and was trying to be nice to help ease the break-up. I don't know if that's what she's doing though.

[Tone]

Yeah that could be.

I would try my absolute best to avoid all contact with her as much as possible.. sure that will be hard living together. But not only could she be tryin to ease it for you, but also for herself - she might want to still do those little things to use you as a stepping stool to move on. No one likes to be alone - and until she finds a new man to replace you - what is the easiest most convenient thing to do when she gets in her "I want a boyfriend" moods.. she knows you're crazy about her and will allow her to be that way with you.

She wanted space - I'd make sure she got JUST that. Try to make plans to keep yourself busy at all times. If she's home and you're home - go visit your parents or somethin - anything to get out the house / away from her. She wanted space - don't give her ANYTHING for free.. make her miss you.

That's my opinion at least. And NO this isn't about "playing games" it's about SHE WANTED A BREAK - SO GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED - don't let her take advantage of your situation and use you as a stepping stool to move on. But more importantly don't allow your hopes to get let up incase you find out she really is just tryin to ease the pain for you.

[Rosebud]

Wow.. this thread has 3 differnet people talking about 3 differnet problems?? that's a first.

[whaywardj]

FWIW:

I believe all the anguish any of us might ever feel over the break up of any love relationship is always all about ourselves and never about the other person at all. If it were otherwise, and you love someone, you're happy when they find their happiness, with you or without you. Instead of being happy for our departing lovers, though, we very much more often are consumed by "woe is me" sensibilities...foremost among them, usually, wondering what we're going to do or who we're going to be without them in our lives in the ways we've come to know them there.

All those sensibilties -- the hurt, anger, sorrow, regret, wondering, all of them -- are utterly self-centered preoccupations.

Nothing especially "wrong" with that. But some of us might do well for ourselves (and our next lovers) if we gained a better understanding of why we allow ourselves to become so reliant on THAT particular person being THIS particular way at THIS or THAT particular time, and why we become so unhinged when they aren't.

Trying to gain that understanding by thinking about them, doesn't work. You have to think about you thinking about them.

[rcia]

Hi Ike,
As you well know getting over someone you love, isn't easy. As a matter of fact it can be very painful and it usually is, but as you said in your email, time will heal your wounds.
Although you know this, it doesn't always ease the pain, but the good news is that "you will get over this." Accept the fact that it's normal to feel like crap, it's okay. Grieving a relationship is a process that you inevitably have to go through. Understanding that it's a process and that you will move on, is the hope that you need to hold onto right now. You can do the usual reflecting, and go through all of the memories but eventually it is up to you to decide to "let go." You may not be there yet, but you will get there. Even thought it's difficult right now, you need to start to look at what is good in your life. Live with gratitude. Make a list and be thankful. Sure, you will fall back and forth with your emotions. But the more you push yourself to stay busy, read positive, inspiring books, and begin to look to a better future, the sooner you will begin to "let go." Letting go is the first step to moving on. Decide how you want you future to look and start living everyday toward your new beginnings. Remember, in every adversity is a step to a new beginning. Good luck!

[nigel]

Hi Hayward,
You are so right, I spoke with my lady just last night and I feel so much better, I understand the situation from HER point of view now, it was all about me before, what am I going to do without her, but there were TWO of us in this relationship, and she tried her best to not hurt me, but I now realise that I failed her in so many things.

I can never turn the clock back, but can learn from my mistakes and move on.

I do still love her, but I know it's over, and thinking with my sensible head on, I know deep down it's the right thing for both of us. it's just coming to terms with that.

As each day passes, I know I will encounter situations that we both did together, and as each one of those is encountered by myself only, I may get upset, but the next time I do it, the pain will be less.

It's time to stop being selfish, it's time to understand how other people are feeling, and if any of us truly loves someone, we have to think about their situation, not just ours.

Nigel

[whaywardj]

"It's gone away in yesterday
Now I find myself on the mountain side
Where the rivers change direction
Across the Great Divide."

-- [URL=http://www.katewolf.com/]Kate Wolf[/URL]

[whaywardj]

...but I now realise that I failed her in so many things. ...

How very egocentric of you to think so.

I'm not saying that meaning to be critical or disagreeable, but merely to point out that focusing on a litany of your failures is just as self-absorbed as pining away over it is. They're the same preoccupation dressed in different clothes.

It's VERY hard to shake this idea we all seem to have that we're the center of the universe and all happens for or because of us.

Give thought to the idea, too, that she failed (to see) you and expected things of you it just wasn't in your nature to offer.

[nigel]

I think egocentric is probably not the best word to use. But I am learning by my mistakes, and if that means that I have to admit them, I will, and I'll learn. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the only one that's caused this whole situation, she failed me on many things, I could give a long list, but primarily why didn't she say something sooner of her feelings, because as it stands she HAS known that she was going to do this, but as time went by I had no choice but to accept this. Why in a relationship that involves two people, should one have no choice? Hardly a partnership I feel!!

But I feel that I have failed, but also I am more than happy to accept that, is that Egocentric??????

[Tone]

FWIW:

I believe all the anguish any of us might ever feel over the break up of any love relationship is always all about ourselves and never about the other person at all. If it were otherwise, and you love someone, you're happy when they find their happiness, with you or without you. Instead of being happy for our departing lovers, though, we very much more often are consumed by "woe is me" sensibilities...foremost among them, usually, wondering what we're going to do or who we're going to be without them in our lives in the ways we've come to know them there.

All those sensibilties -- the hurt, anger, sorrow, regret, wondering, all of them -- are utterly self-centered preoccupations.

Nothing especially "wrong" with that. But some of us might do well for ourselves (and our next lovers) if we gained a better understanding of why we allow ourselves to become so reliant on THAT particular person being THIS particular way at THIS or THAT particular time, and why we become so unhinged when they aren't.

Trying to gain that understanding by thinking about them, doesn't work. You have to think about you thinking about them.

Wow.

Left me speechless, Hayward.

Great post.

[whaywardj]

I think egocentric is probably not the best word to use. But I am learning by my mistakes, and if that means that I have to admit them, I will, and I'll learn. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the only one that's caused this whole situation, she failed me on many things, I could give a long list, but primarily why didn't she say something sooner of her feelings, because as it stands she HAS known that she was going to do this, but as time went by I had no choice but to accept this. Why in a relationship that involves two people, should one have no choice? Hardly a partnership I feel!!

But I feel that I have failed, but also I am more than happy to accept that, is that Egocentric??????

Yep. Just the kind of thing I was thinking of: one person not telling the other in a timely way that something was off. That's not your failure. That's the other guy's.

I just wanted to bring the idea up in case you overlooked her contributions to failure while in the process of itemizing yours. Evidently, you haven't. Good.

"Egocentric" is benign. It's very different than "egotistical," if that's what you thought I meant.