Need advice on a situation

[lemonade69]

Originally posted by apiman
You know what though, I've kinda had girlfriends the past two years and none of them have affected me like this girl.

have you ever thought that maybe you were subconsciously getting into those relationships because you want to forget about this one girl? some ppl seem to think that jumping into another relationship will be efficient enough to forget about the last one. that's only true if that person is right for you. getting into relationsips with ppl we aren't really attracted to will just make 'the other girl' seem even better by comparison, though this is irrational because it seems to me you don't really know the other girl all that well in the first place. if you feel this way, maybe it's time to take a little time off dating altogether? relationsips just happen, they cannot be forced.

one effective way to stop thinking about relaitonships altogether is to focus on something else. easier said than done i know, but have you got any other interests besides running? an interesting thing occured to me is that maybe it's the running that makes you think of her, not you need her in order to run. it may be time to discover new interests and direction in life

and about the call....i would actually think she will be flattered to hear that she was your motivation to run, and i also think it's a good idea to stress that is the reason why you call her and not because you want to be her bf, since this is not really what she wants. i agree being honest here is for the best. well, good luck, and tell me how the call goes

[apiman]

I should probably make a few things clearer. First, I told myself about five years ago I wouldn't date anybody but this girl. The relationships I've had over the past two years have actually been initiated by the girls, not me. I accepted their offers because I was flattered and thought I would like going out with them. Now, I'm in a state where I can't go out with anyone. Therefore, I haven't gone into relationships because I'm trying to forget her.

Second, I really can't change my running interest right now because I have my last season starting in three weeks. I have to resolve the issue within the time period.

Third, the reason behind calling her about a month and a half ago was to tell her about how she motivated me to run. I thought by telling her that and getting it off my chest, I could forget about her. Obviously she didn't really know what to say but that she would keep me in her prayers and I can call her anytime I need to talk. After that I couldn't stop thinking about her..

I agree that I need to make it clear why I'm calling; I have a feeling she thinks I want her to go out with me or something, and she isn't up for that per se. If I was in her situation, I would be very reluctant to call back simply because I don't know why I'm calling.. what am I going to talk about with this person I don't know at all? Therefore, I can understand why she didn't call back. I really think I need to in some way get to know her because this perfect girl is going to torture me until I do. One of my friends started asking if I knew that nobody was perfect and we all have flaws, but I don't think that's the kind of perfect I'm talking about. She's perfect to me in the sense that she is the exact person I want, not that she never does anything wrong. I know of several bad decisions she's made, so I know she has flaws.

Anyways, thanks for the help.

[apiman]

I've spent the last half hour gathering my thoughts and thinking of what I'm going to say when I call her, but I haven't gotten very far. I feel like calling and just saying what's on my mind, but then I'll be rambling on with various thoughts and nothing solid to ask her help on. Would I be making a better impression if I called with something structured and specific for her to help me with, or should I just talk to her from the heart? I guess I'm not sure what I want her to help me with because I don't expect her to know what to say. I think I'm going to sound like a dork or something if I don't come across as confident in what I want to say, but I don't know what else to do.

While I'm typing this, I'm starting to wonder what I expect from calling her. I know I have to since I can't go on torturing myself from thinking about her constantly, so I'd appreciate if anyone could give me some suggestion as to what I could say / how to say it. I want her to be really supportive and consider talking to me or doing something with me, but I can't go in with that high of an expectation. I don't know, if anyone has an opinion or suggestion, I'd appreciate it. I plan on calling her tomorrow, so I'm kinda pressed for time here.

EDIT: By the way, I'm kinda reluctant to tell her what I'm feeling because somebody else said you shouldn't tell women how you feel about them until after you spend time with them. I know I've already screwed that up by telling her, in the past, that I love her and whatnot, but I don't know if I feel like screwing that up again now or not..

[lemonade69]

how about a not so in-your-face alternative: email her?

1) you'll have plenty of time to structure your answers and you won't 'ramble'
2) she'll not see this as 'uncomfortable' to talking to you on the phone
3) it'll give her more time to reflect over what you're saying
4) she'll be more likely to reply an email than be compeltely honest/open with you on the phone

just a suggestion

[apiman]

Thanks for the suggestion. I've had other people give me that idea, and I'm not against it per se. I just feel like if I ask her for her email I'll sound like a stalker or something..

I'll bring it up when I call her. Thanks.

[apiman]

*Sigh*, ok I talk to many people about this so I can get a larger sample size of opinions, and several people have told me not to express what I'm feeling to her. They feel like it's unfairly burdening her with something she doesn't want to deal with. Now I'm wondering what I should do.. some people have said I need to stop this and go talk with her in person, but I really don't know. I'm really afraid of doing that because not only am I'm weary of the city, but I can see myself being a nervous wreck if she even accepts my offer to do something.

lemonade or anyone else, what would you do if you were in my position? I think you know the situation well enough to give your opinion on how I should go about doing everything.

I'm sorry that I'm kinda going over things repeatedly, but I do not want to screw this up. I'd like to approach this in the best, most benficial way possible.

[K3vMySt3r]

hi there...i knoe i'm just jumping in on this but hey i'm a senior in high school and so are you...i think...and it seems the problem u have is obessity...iono if you're reading peoples responses or not but we're trying to help you out man... and i'm going to hit u pretty hard on reality... here #1... plz don't waste your time...i knoe its completely hard to forget someone who u lyke... #2 What can YOU do if this girl doesn't lyke u? what are you going to force her to like her or something? lets face reality...#3 u've spend 6 years of your life looking at this girl... and you havne't even seen the women out there... Did you knoe that theres about 10,000 people in your town or more for that matter... and probably 1/2 of them are women... Now 1st of all y is it that out of all the women out there on your city that you live it had to be that one? u're a Senior!!!!! in HIGH SCHOOL!!!! O and your running...i'm sorry but thats all mental...sorry just had to tell you that... Prove? Y do you think all the medics in the war keep saying U're going to be alive!!! and you know what the wounded guy believes it and they might be able to live... i mean if u get shot in the head or somewhere u'll bleed to death thats different...So basically we're all trying to tell you to forget this person... hey u're what 17, 18? I'm sure you drive? g2 a club, drive around with your friends, check girls out in the mall... say hi to them and see if they wink, or say hi to you back... Don't you want to be liked for who u are? i want someone who likes me... that hasn't happened lately...LOL...but hey...i hope we're helping you out...and i hope you can think this over... till then, plz give us the updates thx

Kevin

[apiman]

Thanks for your reply, although I'm going to honestly disagree somewhat. If I could forget her and run 100% then all would be fine and I wouldn't have to mull over this constantly. Unfortunately, I will not forget her soon, and no matter what anybody says, I can't fix my mental state in time. I have two weeks before the season starts, and I've spent the last oh six months learning to run at my full potential again. All I've done is expanded my knowledge on how to run more efficiently and whatnot, but that adrenaline can not be achieved artificially. I don't want a girlfriend unless I feel like they're the type of person for me, and I have met very few women like that in my life. Once track starts, the insanity will begin and I don't plan on turning back. I'm hoping my anger can help get me into good enough shape to reach my goals. My anger toward the situation has helped me do 500 pushups and 1000 situps a night, so maybe it'll help me to at least get into better shape. The only problem is that my torn knees have gotten progressively worse the past two weeks, and I can't afford going to physical therapy every week anymore. Whatever, I'll probably be imobile within the month, so maybe it won't matter anymore. The combination of regret, sickness, and constant pain to not mix well when it comes to running.

[apiman]

Alright, well I'll give an update for anyone who cares to know.

I am sure now that I only want to forget this girl and run well. If those two things happen I will be fine, but after the past few days, I'm quite unsure the latter can happen. Long story short, I understand that it's pointless to try and become a friend or more with this girl who has her own life and does not have any interest in me.

However, I knew I couldn't go on torturing myself as I unwantedly think about her almost all the time. It was hurting me in every aspect of life, but I also knew that my friends / other people have done nothing but made it worse. I had really tried to avoid contacting her and get help from other people, but it just didn't work. So I decided today to call her and tell her my true intentions - I'm not calling because I want to go out with her; I just feel like talking with her is the last option. I felt much better after talking with her last time, so I might as well give it another shot.

Anyways, so I called her today and asked if / when she had time to listen to me. Man, I get speechless thinking about this, but she's just so great to talk with on the phone, and hell it was only for a few minutes. She told me exactly what she was up to this week and said I could call her tomorrow night. It was kinda amusing because she was in the library so she was speaking in a low voice, but she started asking what was wrong and all. I would have spoken to her then, but I could just barely hear her so I said I'd speak with her tomorrow.

If you have any opinion go ahead and say it, but I'm really just posting what I've decided to do, not asking for whether this was a good idea or not.

[apiman]

I'm giving a last update to my situation for those who were wondering what happend.

I called her the day after asking, Wednesday, but all I got was her voice mail. I had to speak with her before Friday's track meet, and she would be busy all of Thursday, so I panicked and called her several times that night. I felt bad about that, but I didn't know what else to do. Anyways, on Friday I tried calling before the meet, but all I got about ten minutes later was a voicemail from her boyfriend. He told me she doesn't know why I'm calling and it's bothering her, so unless I had something specific to say I should stop the constant calling. This hurt me greatly because it wasn't like I was calling every 10 minutes every day or calling when she told me not to. This sickened me to the point where I stopped running for a week because the reminders were constant and painful.

A friend of mine told me I should try writing a letter apologizing and explaining why I called so she at least understands. I asked a girl in my homeroom who she knows to ask her for her address, but she forgot to call. This was a week later, and I couldn't stand waiting anymore, so I had her tell the girl to call me back.

She called me back a few days later. I apologized for being so inconsiderate and explained to her why I was calling, saying how she told me a few months before I could call if I needed to talk. Her major is in the medical field, so apparantly she was extremely busy; whenever I called she was either in one of her night classes or in lab. She told me her boyfriend left the voicemail because he was concerned, and she didn't realize that this was why I called. I told her how it bothers me that I can't find any other way to feel the adrenaline other than talking with her because it's unfair for her. She tried to help giving me suggestions, but overall she feels it's not a good thing for me to use her as motivation because she won't be around forever. I told her if she doesn't want me calling I won't anymore, and she told me it's not that she doesn't want me to call, but she just has so much going on in her life right now with school, work, etc. She doesn't know how she can really help when she has her own issues to deal with, and she feels bad because of that. She told me to call her later in the year and let her know how I'm doing in track, so I'm going to stop bothering her until then. I guess I never really thought about how busy she is, so I don't plan on disrupting her anymore.

It hurts because the reality is that talking with her would greatly help me in track because the adrenaline would numb my torn knees as talking with her did in December. But I can't fathom calling her anymore simply because she's the best person I've ever known and she doesn't deserve this. It also hurts because I purposely avoided her when she was here, and now I have so much appreciation for her as a person and for the effect she's had on my life. I wish I could find somebody just like her to help me feel that adrenaline, but nobody in my life is anything like her.

Overall, I'm glad I got a chance to apologize and explain myself to her. She understands now that this wasn't some obsessive mission to court her, but merely my desire to run as fast as I could. If I hadn't gotten this chance, it would have negatively affected my running and only made it worse.

[IceQueen]

Let me consult my crystal ball about your future.
*takes out a crystal ball*
*half closes her eyes and makes passes with both hands above the ball*

Ooohhh... I see a protection order in your future...

[apiman]

How come? I guess I don't know why you think I'll have a restraining order if I would never do anything that will knowingly bother her? Even if she said I could still call, I wouldn't feel right because she's so busy.

[IceQueen]

Whoa, shit, if you have to ask...

All right, here you go.
I'm gonna translate to you from nice-people-speak (I don't speak it but I understand it pretty well).

"It's not a right thing to use me for motivation because I won't be around forever." = "You might enjoy your calling me but I don't. I am too nice to change my phone number, but I will use the first chance to get outside your reach."

"I can't help you because I have my own shit to deal with" = "Stop calling me."

"Call me later in the year" = Stop calling me for the next 10 months. Maybe by that time you'll get someone else to be dependent on and forget about me."

"I understand now that this wasn't some obsessive mission to court me, but merely your desire to run as fast as you could. " = "Get a life you pathetic loser."

You got a VOICE MAIL from her BOYFRIEND saying "Stop calling my girlfriend." The NEXT place she'll go to stop you from calling will be the police, man.

Do not call.

[apiman]

The only thing I'm going to say is that she told me several times I could call if I needed to talk. I gave her the option the day before of saying no, but she agreed to talk with me. If she had told me no and I kept calling, then I can definately see where she should be afraid of me. I understand that she really doesn't think I should be calling her now, so that's why I'm going to stop bothering her. I will call her again in the summer, but it'll be my last time talking with since I'll be far off in college.

I do have one question about that. I don't think she would mind, but do you think it sounds really bad if I do decide, instead of calling, to go see here as my last time speaking with her? Would it be out of line to ask her if I could get a picture with her? Again, I don't see how it's anything bad since I am more than just some kid she said hi to in high school, but I'd like to hear what you think. I wouldn't be running today nor would I have set records if it wasn't for her, so I guess that's why I adore her so much.