Why must a girl hide her dirty side to nab a guy long term?

[NeoSeminole]

IndiReloaded says:

"Yes, I'm sure. But the fact that you can do this so easily tells me you don't spend the time to discover those incompatibilities BEFORE having sex."

haha, of course not. No one can know if they're compatible on every issue early on during a relationship. That's why I stick around if I like the girl

"Are you telling me that you can't imagine a girl being less upset about your breakup if you hadn't slept with her first? What I'm describing might be a foreign concept to you, Neo, but I'm thinking of the needs of both people. You are only thinking of your own selfish wants."

how am I being selfish if the girl wants to sleep with me? I've never pressured a girl for sex, and I would never sleep with one if I thought she was only doing it for me (takes the fun out of it).

[NeoSeminole]

IndiReloaded says:

"I 'test drove' as well. But while you are looking for speed and excitement, I am [was] looking for reliability, comfort and longterm performance."

oy vey! What makes you think I'm not looking for those things you mentioned? Do you just make these things up to make yourself feel superior? I've addressed this before, which I know you saw b/c you posted in that thread. I enjoy being single but if I met the right girl, I wouldn't mind committing myself to her.

[IndiReloaded]

IndiReloaded says:

"Yes, I'm sure. But the fact that you can do this so easily tells me you don't spend the time to discover those incompatibilities BEFORE having sex."

haha, of course not. No one can know if they're compatible on every issue early on during a relationship. That's why I stick around if I like the girl

I dunno, Neo. I was able to tell pretty quickly if a guy was longterm material or not w/out sleeping around. I'm sure I missed a few positives w/my draconian triage method, but except for one f-up/learning experience I never erred this way. But, I was looking for a relationship. I knew exactly what I wanted, which helps in any endeavour, as you know.

"Are you telling me that you can't imagine a girl being less upset about your breakup if you hadn't slept with her first? What I'm describing might be a foreign concept to you, Neo, but I'm thinking of the needs of both people. You are only thinking of your own selfish wants."

how am I being selfish if the girl wants to sleep with me? I've never pressured a girl for sex, and I would never sleep with one if I thought she was only doing it for me (takes the fun out of it).

Well, if you have never had the experience of a girl being upset they way I said, then my mistake--you aren't selfish. Selecting for the right kind of girl w/similar values, as I said, is one way to go about the problem. Kudos to you for being honest, getting what you want and not leaving a string of broken hearts behind you.

[IndiReloaded]

IndiReloaded says:

"I 'test drove' as well. But while you are looking for speed and excitement, I am [was] looking for reliability, comfort and longterm performance."

oy vey! What makes you think I'm not looking for those things you mentioned? Do you just make these things up to make yourself feel superior? I've addressed this before, which I know you saw b/c you posted in that thread. I enjoy being single but if I met the right girl, I wouldn't mind committing myself to her.

See my post above. But, also, I am simply pointing out that one can do this without having to sleep around to find it. For some, that's a good thing.

But, as you point out, its not the only way to go about it. However, I would like to see how you fare a decade down the road and whether your method actually yields you success for finding a longterm partner. I can think of several reasons why it might not.

Of course, one can also argue that my method might predispose to couples who settle sexually and end up cheating in what is an otherwise good relationship. So, no method is perfect, just what works best for an individual. Since I'm arguing for my method, tho, I will say that it has a better chance of success since you get the best of both situations--I'm not promoting no sex before marriage, just a delay to get to know each other a bit better.

[Perryville]

The valley between a "skank", and a sexually experienced woman is wide and deep. If people were more upfront about their experience, there would be fewer broken relationships. All I expect is honesty, and if I don't get it, the ship don't sail.

[qwertz]

I like to 'try before i buy' that doesnt mean im a slut, i just dont like to wait months to find out were not sexually compatible..in those few months i might grow attached in other ways, and that makes it harder to 'return' him, but im not going to stay with someone that doesnt do it for me sexually.

If i try before i buy then we have fun, and build things from there, and if it doesnt work out, well, we cant say we didnt have fun.

[CAM]

I think that for many individuals, sexual compatibility is very important because beyond the physical, they don't really interact in any deep way. Sexually they are often superficial. Intellectually, they are often superficial as well. And, in a society with all the conveniences imaginable, there is this illusion that they don't really need to do anything for another beyond give them an orgasm. Generalizations, to be sure, but there is much that holds true for many.

All that being said, I remain in agreement with Indi.

[IndiReloaded]

i just dont like to wait months to find out were not sexually compatible..in those few months i might grow attached in other ways

Well, this is my point, Q. I think its far less likely a couple will be sexually incompatible if you have reached the point where you admire enough of their qualities to grow attached to them. You will know if you are attracted to them by then, and your communication should be such that sex is just one more, enjoyable mode of it. Good for stress release, fun and enhancing the bond you already share.

Why do you think that some of the best marriages are between people who started as friends? I would argue its precisely b/c of this type of relationship being developed.

And who brought up the slut term? Not me. I don't think people have a 'dirty side' to hide, only their own hangups. Tho being private is perfectly fine. Sex is a form of sharing oneself, IMO, and people who jump in the sack quickly are the equivalent of people who overshare themselves and their issues. In fact, the two traits often overlap. You know the sort, we've all been exposed to its and its kind of distasteful, I think. Honesty behind closed doors b/t consenting adults as Perry mentioned is what is needed. I simply can't see being that honest with someone I hardly know.

Maybe I have trust issues. Or just maybe, some people have problems with setting boundaries for others. Up to you to decide which.

[Primo]

I'd agree that it's more of an individual thing. I think that some people are more physical and sexual by nature, so it can be extremely hard to avoid. It certainly doesn't set the woman up for failure in a relationship or brand them as 'easy'. No set method to courtship is going to be fail-proof.

[cmacattack1]

There is certainly nothing wrong with the making them wait for a little while, if you are looking for a relationship. It's pretty simple and it works. My last girlrfriend used to just drink alot and sleep with guys, but after a while of partying and getting shat on by guys, she took 8 months away from them and then tried again. We got pretty hot and heavy within the first couple weeks but she said she wanted to wait. I wanted a relationship and I was fine with that.

It's hard to believe most guys won't wait. Maybe I'm just a heavy relationship guy. And a big nerd because I'm shy and awkward around girls. Guess that explains alot.

[LailaK]

UPDATE:

Now I'm really confused. I don't know what it is about the guys I date (or me? maybe the issue is me?) but it seems that they're pretty quick to label me a slut or a tease depending on how I answer their questions.

I'd like to meet these men who don't bring up sex as a conversation topic because so far ALL of the men I've dated get to topic by the 4th date at the very latest. It doesn't bother me. I don't mind talking about sex. I DO mind being judged for my thoughts and feelings about sex. That's not cool and I'm sick of guys doing that.

As I mentioned before, honesty gets me nowhere. It tends to scare guys off. So I've tried the other approach. I've recently had a date say to me "You look like a good girl. Are you really?" to which I replied "I'm not telling. Maybe you'll find out eventually." I was straight forward about it and I softened my response with a smile. His reaction was to sigh really hard and say "Oh so you're a tease." My reaction to that is not to go on another date because I don't date spoiled children disguised as men! (Rant over, sorry)

I've come to the conclusion that there is something in my approach that I am doing wrong. I just wish I knew what. Thoughts?

[IndiReloaded]

Answer those statements with a question of your own: You look like a good guy. Are you really?

You need to not let these guys trip you up. Its part of their game.

Lordie, I wish I could prompt some of you girls real-time with a bluetooth a la Cyrano de Bergerac. LOL. Wouldn't be fair to the men, I suppose.

[Perryville]

What everybody is talking about here is sexual "gamesmanship". As if attempting to have a good relationship, requires a person (male or female) to play or attempt to play head games with potential partners. I'm really , really not interested in playing games and if I find out that the person that I'm with is , I will dump her immediately. I want honesty, and meaningful communication, with any lady , I'm seeing. She doesn't have to act demure, or coy or withhold the "secrets", of her sexual past with me. I want to know about her, warts and all.

[Charlie Boy II]

you're not a slut. In fact you're pretty much ideal.

[LailaK]

Answer those statements with a question of your own: You look like a good guy. Are you really?

You need to not let these guys trip you up. Its part of their game.

Lordie, I wish I could prompt some of you girls real-time with a bluetooth a la Cyrano de Bergerac. LOL. Wouldn't be fair to the men, I suppose.

I don't want to play the game. I'm no good at it.