She told her friends about my impotence

[lahnnabell]

I don't need to "forgive" her, this isn't what this is about. Nor can I "decide to trust" her, that isn't how trust works. You think if it was as easy as that I wouldn't just 'decide' right now, and put all this to rest?

You both need to forgive one another if your relationship is to work. There is still a lot of frustration and spite behind your posts. Remember, this original issue of confidence is YOUR own issue, but is now compounded by the fact that your girlfriend broke your trust despite her good intentions.

And you don't have to decide RIGHT NOW, but you will have to decide sooner than later. Otherwise this will get messier as the resentment builds. You gotta find a way to let it go, or you guys won't make it.

[Glith]

I find that more often than not people throw band-aids on issues like this to avoid being alone, and it only comes back to bite them in the ass later.

That makes a lot of sense. For me, it wouldn't be for fear of being alone, but rather losing somebody I love and adore.
It seems like such a stupid thing to lose her over, but, I do realise how fundamental the issue is in a relationship.

[lahnnabell]

And Glith, remember that there will always be other girls. I know that isn't the most respectful way to categorize your current relationship, but there was a lack of respect on her part too. Someone new always comes along eventually. You have a clean slate, and you can prevent issues like this by communicating better and making your dealbreakers known up front.

And for the record, I wouldn't want my guy revealing such detailed info about our relationship either. But I think I could forgive the transgression if I felt there wasn't malicious intent.

[Glith]

Remember, this original issue of confidence is YOUR own issue, but is now compounded by the fact that your girlfriend broke your trust despite her good intentions.

Absolutely, and that's something I've talked to her about. I think that this would have been a big issue in most relationships, but for me because of the confidence thing, it's massive.

As for frustration and spite, that's only when people see fit to defend and condone the act of breaking a partner's trust because they value their easy-talking friendship above their partner's privacy.

I'm really not angry with my girlfriend, we've talked it all through. There's genuinely nothing to forgive because it's not a question of her being in the wrong and me being in the right, it's an issue of conflicting values, and as you said, it needs to be worked out sooner rather than later.

[girl68]

That just shows that you're of the same cut as her. Really, I dont care how close she is to her friends, how much she trusts them. All I know is, I can't trust her to keep my private business to herself, and to you that seems acceptable.

Ohh so I'm beneath you becasue I hold a different opinion? You're no better than I am. Being super duper private isn't a wonderful quailty in itself. I get she broke your trust and she gets how she made you feel however you're not 'getting' anything on her side, you can't even phanthom how it made HER feel. What makes you think you're so right?

You also failed to read where I said I have corrected my behaviours since. I do not run to friends to blabber about my bf's problems. I go to him. He trusts me now. If you can't get off your ass and forgive, make up and move on, then dump her ass. You're not in the wrong for not being able to face the friends that know you can't get your penis hard.

I have friends I could talk to about anything, but I wouldn't if it was an invasion of my girlfriend's privacy.

What you continually fail to realize is that she is different than you. She did NOT KNOW that she was envading your privacy when the issue directly related to her, it bothered her, and she couldn't talk to you. Well, she sure knows now. But she didn't when she ran to them. You say you can accept that she faulted, but it seems like you just can't.

I think the fact that you willingly ignored your boyfriend's right to respect, says a lot.

Excuse me? "willingly"? Yeah where did I so "willingly" share all my details to my friends?
An issue had been bugging me for months. It was a private, intimate issue. I had researched it, read about it, even tried to make it go away in my head. I'd cry for hours in my own misery. I didn't know what to do. I went to a friend after quite a while sulking in my own misery. I tried to make it go away, even tried to talk to him. All efforts failed. I went to my bff, who helped me through it.

Yes, I 'willingly' just blabbered all the juicy details about my bf... right. Well according to you f**k me for trying and yet failing to deal with the issue at hand.

[Glith]

And Glith, remember that there will always be other girls. I know that isn't the most respectful way to categorize your current relationship, but there was a lack of respect on her part too. Someone new always comes along eventually. You have a clean slate, and you can prevent issues like this by communicating better and making your dealbreakers known up front.

And for the record, I wouldn't want my guy revealing such detailed info about our relationship either. But I think I could forgive the transgression if I felt there wasn't malicious intent.

I came into this relationship 3 months after a 6 year relationship (which in turn was 3 months after a 7 year relationship) so if anything, I think I'll be more inclined to stay single for a good while if this relationship ends.

As for you being unhappy about your boyfriend sharing similar details, I am glad you can see where I'm coming from.

[Glith]

girl68, maybe if you read some of my posts, you'd make more sense.

Not at ANY point have I suggested 'Im right'. In fact, read my post above your rant...

"I'm really not angry with my girlfriend, we've talked it all through. There's genuinely nothing to forgive because it's not a question of her being in the wrong and me being in the right, it's an issue of conflicting values"

If you read my earlier posts, I also state that i understand why she did it, but that to me doesn't warrant destroying trust. I also stated that to start with, i SHOULD have talked to her about my problems.
Please, if you're going to rant, at least read what I've written, rather than jumping to conclusions to illustrate your agenda.

And yes, regardless of the circumstances, you DID willingly blab to your friend. It wasn't an accident, you weren't drugged, you did it of your own accord. I understand how you felt, that it was a last resort, BUT, I'm afraid you spoke 'willingly' about it. Sure, you've changed, that's fine, but you still seem to believe that the dynamics of her friendship matters when it comes to trust...well im afraid it doesnt. Breaking trust is breaking trust, regardless of how close you are to the person you're blabbing to.

Maybe one day you'll be on the other side, and you'll understand more clearly at that point.

[Perryville]

68, just because YOU trust your friends, doesn't mean that your BF does. It's the same way with Glith, he has no reason to trust his GF's friends with his intimate details, and why should he? I agree that she probably meant well, but the lack of respect for his feelings is a huge red-flag. Put yourself in his place. If you had intimate issues that your BF was having troubles with, (past pregnancy/abortion, past std's, are examples) would you want his friends knowing about them? It's not a matter of, if they talk about these issues or not, it's the fact that the friends know about them at all. I once told a Lady about my problems with my Ex -wife, (her lesbianism,) very soon all of her friends knew that my ex was gay. If you can't keep private information, private, you shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship.

[Glith]

If you can't keep private information, private, you shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship.

Thats EXACTLY how I feel.

[girl68]

Perryville, where is this "lack of respect for his feelings?"

She doesn't feel good about what she did. She did not do it despite knowing how wrong it was.

[Glith]

Perryville, where is this "lack of respect for his feelings?"

She doesn't feel good about what she did. She did not do it despite knowing how wrong it was.

She's an intelligent woman, 68. She didn't do it to hurt me, but any intelligent person would know that chatting to your friends about your boyfriend's sexual problems, is going to hurt him, and is totally disrespectful.
Breaking my trust and respect wasn't her goal, however, it was seen as an acceptable consequence to her getting stuff off her chest. That there is the problem.

[girl68]

^ There is exactly where you just put everyone down who doesn't agree with you. I guess I'm stupid, and so is your gf.

Just dump her already. In 4 pages you have clearly laid out that you just can't get over this and will never trust her again, that is grounds for dimissal.

[Perryville]

68, it's a respect issue, pure and simple. In Glith's case it's about his impotence (very private), or it could have been something else. Another example: I made a great deal of money on a business transaction. I told my GF about it, and soon people I didn't even know were congratulating me on my good fortune. I was furious, and dumped her immediately. What part of "intimacy", do you not understand? As I said before, there are literally thousands of places she could have gone, therapists, councellors, web-sites, support groups, even her MOTHER would have been better than her buddies. Part of having an intimate, exclusive relationship, is being able to have information about each other, that is ONLY for the other person.

[Glith]

^ There is exactly where you just put everyone down who doesn't agree with you. I guess I'm stupid, and so is your gf.

Just dump her already. In 4 pages you have clearly laid out that you just can't get over this and will never trust her again, that is grounds for dimissal.

So...by me saying...

She's an intelligent woman, 68. She didn't do it to hurt me, but any intelligent person would know that chatting to your friends about your boyfriend's sexual problems, is going to hurt him, and is totally disrespectful.
Breaking my trust and respect wasn't her goal, however, it was seen as an acceptable consequence to her getting stuff off her chest. That there is the problem.

...I'm saying you and she are stupid?

Now, if you actually READ what that was in response to....

Perryville, where is this "lack of respect for his feelings?"

She doesn't feel good about what she did. She did not do it despite knowing how wrong it was.

...I'm saying quite the opposite. I'm saying that because you and she ARE NOT stupid, she did in fact know what she was doing. She wasn't doing it blindly, oblivious to the consequences.

Please 68, leave it alone. I'm not sure what your agenda is here, but you're trying to weave my words into something of your own making.

As for...

Just dump her already. In 4 pages you have clearly laid out that you just can't get over this and will never trust her again, that is grounds for dimissal.

...well, I'm afraid I don't jump into life-changing decisions without plenty of thought. Everything in life isn't black and white.

[lahnnabell]

68, it's a respect issue, pure and simple. In Glith's case it's about his impotence (very private), or it could have been something else. Another example: I made a great deal of money on a business transaction. I told my GF about it, and soon people I didn't even know were congratulating me on my good fortune. I was furious, and dumped her immediately. What part of "intimacy", do you not understand? As I said before, there are literally thousands of places she could have gone, therapists, councellors, web-sites, support groups, even her MOTHER would have been better than her buddies. Part of having an intimate, exclusive relationship, is being able to have information about each other, that is ONLY for the other person.

Perry, did you get the feeling this girlfriend of yours was only mentioning your good fortune because she wanted to show off your affluence? Or maybe she was just excited for you, and did not realize it was as private a matter as you believed it to be?