Major Money Issues

[VincenzoG91]

At this point, I'm expecting that she will tell me that she wants to stay there until the end of the summer, for the sake of her cousin and to avoid moving twice instead of just once when she moves on campus. And I'm expecting to tell her that I'm moving on now, but might be interested in getting back together later after she has left him. She leaned on me heavily for financial support and even help with her homework, so it will good for her to struggle on her own for a while. The other guy can't help her either way. He never went to college, and he is currently struggling with the burden of two house payments and putting gas in his Chevy Suburban.

[Nicholas_V]

This thread is getting bigger..it reminds me of a crowd gathering after a big crash or a train wreck...except this one is in the making and although we're sending serious loud warnings to Vince he does not seem to hear...

Well, typical... When emotions are on the rise, judgement suffers. I guess that's a good part of what brings most of us here.

[VincenzoG91]

Ugh. I don't even want to meet with Amy tonight. I'm tired and cranky after three nights of insomnia, and I expect this to go badly.

I talked to her a little while ago, and we made plans for dinner tonight. The phone call was brief but friendly. It's interesting that we aren't meeting until 7:30, because that would usually get her in trouble with Craig getting home so late. But she wants to hit the gym before we meet up. She knows that I'm a fitness freak, and in the past, whenever she was going to the gym, it was because she wanted to make a favorable impression on me.

I'm going to try hard to get my head clear this afternoon. I want to hear what she has to say with an open mind. I know what I want and what I don't want, and I need to stay focused on that, not just act on the emotions of the moment.

[Nicholas_V]

Good luck and let us know what happened.

Bear in mind that she seems to try to tell you what you want to hear: 1) not coming now 'cause I need to go to the hairdresser first to look good for you 2) now I want to go to the gym first to tone up as I know you like it etc. If this is indeed the case, the patern will continue on your conversation. I would be suspicious if the answers sound too good. Ask for evidence.

[oneandonly]

Well, typical... When emotions are on the rise, judgement suffers. I guess that's a good part of what brings most of us here.

And that's at the expense of a great deal of frustration and saddness of most of us here as it appears that what most of us do chanting in harmony fall on a deaf ear.

[oneandonly]

Good luck and let us know what happened.

Bear in mind that she seems to try to tell you what you want to hear: 1) not coming now 'cause I need to go to the hairdresser first to look good for you 2) now I want to go to the gym first to tone up as I know you like it etc. If this is indeed the case, the patern will continue on your conversation. I would be suspicious if the answers sound too good. Ask for evidence.

lol. you are VERY good!

[Nicholas_V]

that's economists for you :p

[misombra]

This thread is getting bigger..it reminds me of a crowd gathering after a big crash or a train wreck...except this one is in the making and although we're sending serious loud warnings to Vince he does not seem to hear...

the whole conversation usually breaks down when he starts defending her.

[VincenzoG91]

Life is strange sometimes. I went into this with some hope but also some very negative expectations.Yesterday and this morning, I was mentally rehearsing mean things to say while dumping her, in case that's the way things went. She was looking forward to meeting up, so she picked an earlier aerobics class for today and so we sat down at the restaurant at 5:45, and stayed for three hours. We talked about a lot, and the communication was so good that I feel like it would be a betrayal to go into all of the details. But I do appreciate the support and feedback here, so I will hit some major points:

*The other guy is gone. He was deliberately vague about the timing in the past, but knew that he was getting deployed overseas by this summer. He left for deployment training last week and won't be back until next year. She is going to break up with him at the end of the summer so she can stay at his place a few months longer and just move her stuff once at the start of the semester. Also, she doesn't want her cousin Julia to be forced out early. She is absolutely certain that they aren't right for each other and that she will never be with him again. She doesn't want to do a restraining order and doesn't think it will be necessary due to the timing, but is open to the idea for next year if he resumes stalking.

*She doesn't want to date anybody else, she just wants to see me and see how good we are together without the other guy harassing her. She hopes that we will work out together, but wants to see if we can improve our communication and conflict resolution, though it's already better than even a year ago. She promised that she would be available for me any time, but won't mind if I am sometimes too busy for her.

*And yet, she wants me to date other women this summer. She doesn't want to hear any details about it, but she wants me to have the chance to find out if there are other women who would be better for me. By the end of the summer, she wants me to either commit to our relationship fully or move on. I told her that I didn't need to get back at her in some petty revenge, but she said it wasn't about that, she just wants me to have a chance to see if I would be happy with someone else right now.

*She isn't certain yet, but she is now leaning towards just finishing her bachelor's degree. She hates the idea of how much debt she would take on during grad school.

I didn't prompt these responses from her, and I was very surprised to hear that she wants me to see other women on the side. I asked her to share her hopes and expectations of the future, and then asked plenty of follow-up questions. I'm satisfied for now, and will finally get a really good night of sleep tonight. We'll take things one day at a time for now, and see how things go in the coming months.

[doppelgaenger]

You want my opinion? Invest in a house instead of a shitty girlfriend.

Life is throwing you underhand tosses and you're fouling out every time. You're walking the bases when you could be hitting home runs. How's that for a metaphor?

[Cinnabella]

She's so much younger than you, i mean 15 years different is so much, are you sure she loves you? If she loved you she should never betrayed you, and will be single for long time after broken up even, not by choice but by heart. No one truthly loved someone would betray. Somehow i smelt the Using you in here. I mean she wasn't with you at normal times but return when she needs to discuss about studying Master...

[VincenzoG91]

The age difference bothered her until she hit 30. Now that she is obsessing over her first gray hairs and a slowing metabolism, she is able to fully appreciate how physically fit and young I look for my age.

Love? We're both going to figure that out in the coming months. We have a lot of history together, but we need to find out what we have now. She admitted that she fell in love with the other guy for a while, but eventually realized they were polar opposites in many ways, especially politics. She's a fan of Jon Stewart while he gets all his news from Fox. And the controlling behavior, stalking and abuse completely alienated her from him.

Actually, when I first met her, she was planning to eventually go to law school, which would have cost even more money than the masters degree. I'm glad she didn't go that route, because the job market for attorneys has been terrible in recent years, and she wanted to do environmental law, which would have been even more hopeless.

We will see how things go. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, at least we tried.

[doppelgaenger]

Well, just look at the quote in your signature. How many more bad decisions are you gonna make before you make a good one?

[Mathias]

The age difference bothered her until she hit 30. Now that she is obsessing over her first gray hairs and a slowing metabolism, she is able to fully appreciate how physically fit and young I look for my age.

Love? We're both going to figure that out in the coming months. We have a lot of history together, but we need to find out what we have now. She admitted that she fell in love with the other guy for a while, but eventually realized they were polar opposites in many ways, especially politics. She's a fan of Jon Stewart while he gets all his news from Fox. And the controlling behavior, stalking and abuse completely alienated her from him.

Actually, when I first met her, she was planning to eventually go to law school, which would have cost even more money than the masters degree. I'm glad she didn't go that route, because the job market for attorneys has been terrible in recent years, and she wanted to do environmental law, which would have been even more hopeless.

We will see how things go. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, at least we tried.

You're obviously refusing to listen to anyone in here. If that was going to be the case, why waste our time?

Good luck to you anyway. Hope you eventually find what you're looking for. It's not here, but apparently you have to crash hard to learn that.

[oneandonly]

....If it works out, great. If it doesn't, at least we tried.

Those 8 years of your time with her was a good try to know more than enough about her but, nope you will never see it that way.

This time round, it won't be 'at least we tried'. Perhaps she can say that without losing out too much on her part. She still has her youth. On the other hand, you will then totally be out of market, grow old, left alone and sad and most probably broke. I am sorry to say but anyone can be better than her in SO many ways but you are not seeing it. She doesn't sound like a weak person to let herself be abused for so long. Everything comes from her. You totally believe her words and defend her. Even though her moral standing is nothing but questionable. IMO, she is the last person you should've listened to to validate 'the facts' about her and Craig.

It's none of our or anyone's business but yours. I get that. And I do wish you all the best. But, it's really sad that you don't see what's too obvious.

Out of curiosity, what are your close friends telling you?