I don't know if I've ever truly loved my wife (big long crisis story)

[michelle23]

Look I know your wife cheated and I don't condone it and normally I would say "dump her" but that is just a symptom of all your other problems. I mean you have never loved her, never been there for her, the whole relationship is destructive and unhealthy, your living a lie and you have hurt her, you spend more time looking and thinking about other women then you spend with your wife and you have not even acknowledged the fact that you are going to be a dad and what that means. You see it as a burden-just like you see your wife as a burden.

Your marriage needs to end and I think you should be alone until you figure out what is wrong with you. You have wasted so much of her time. It is cruel what you have done and I think you have hurt her a lot more than she has hurt you.

[michelle23]

Excellent reply, thanks mate. Nice to have something that's not derogatory written on here.

I think the cat is out of the bag already, I let too much slip when she confronted me over the pictures of her mate i'd downloaded. Said sometimes I regret not leaving her when I found out she'd cheated, also said I'm not sure I really know what love is as this is my only real relationship and I also can't explain the reason I was depressed when her mate left on the weekend. She's not stupid, she's put it all together and basically knows the score, she's in floods of tears all the time. She may yet take any decision out of my hands, she does mention leaving me, going back to Brazil, etc. I can tell she really doesn't want to though so hopefully I can repair things, at least until the baby is born and i'm sure in mind how I feel.

The thing is, I really need to be sure. Like you say, I may just struggle with commitment. I will be going for counseling also.

How does it make you feel when you see her in floods of tears all the time? Do you feel guilt, remorse? Does it upset you? If not then you need more than just counselling.

[ycse]

You speak with such authority, like you know what's going on.. In your mind you've decided I'm a stone hearted monster.

Of course I'm upset, I've cried every day since the weekend. It tears me up to see how badly upset she is.

Maybe it's normal, maybe it's not for men to spend time thinking about other women lots, obviously you won't know about that.

[pcmaster]

If you both upsed why then you dont cry together?

[ycse]

We are, why would you think we aren't? We are really close to each other, like I said, best friends.

[pcmaster]

So where the heck is the problem. Thats good relationship already. Think most married couples are like that. Ofcourse love isnt wild over the years and you wont lose head over eachother althought thats what happening now.

Kids will bring big happines too and is really a blessing. Most people wouldnt even dare to dream about life like that.

[searock]

I no its the most selfish thing a person can do and is wrong. I never said i condone it. I was just pointing out that is thee most common reason for suicide in men. Theyd rather die than be without her.

They rather die than face the fact that they have been rejected.

[searock]

OP, so basically you didn't have the guts to tell her the truth so you waited until SHE "figured it out", and now you don't have the guts to make any decision so you're hoping that SHE will "take it out of your hands". What a spineless, selfish excuse of a "man".

[pcmaster]

They rather die than face the fact that they have been rejected.

Its not the rejection. Its the pain that is unberable. I once tried to end my life. Ended up in other country hospital without courage to try it again cause staying a life again is more scary than death.

[searock]

Its not the rejection. Its the pain that is unberable. I once tried to end my life. Ended up in other country hospital without courage to try it again cause staying a life again is more scary than death.

I bet a woman leaving you wasn't the only reason for your suicide attempt, though.

Depression (or similar mental illness like bipolar disorder) is the reason peole commit suicide. Not anything that happens to them - unless it's something REALLY traumatic like killing your own children, being raped, or something like that.

[pcmaster]

One negative though, one mistake, one unlucky happening. Thats all that needs to lead to lavine of disasters. Until you find strenght to stop it.

Rejection is nothing. Its the feeling of guilt when you was the one to leave. The feeling of guilt what you have done to only one person who actually felt for you. Leaving the only person who you needed in this life. Its the guilt that is destroying from inside. Unability to forgive yourself.

I understand OP its not easy to have a inner conflict. Also its not easy to live with someone who loves you but you dont feel like your feelings is enought. You have to love yourself in order to truly love someone. If you cant believe yourself that you are good person you wont be able to love others too like they deserve.

Think that most easy way is to understand that if someone loves you it means you are good enought. So you have to stop question yourself and just take the love that is offered and give back even more.

[ycse]

OP, so basically you didn't have the guts to tell her the truth so you waited until SHE "figured it out", and now you don't have the guts to make any decision so you're hoping that SHE will "take it out of your hands". What a spineless, selfish excuse of a "man".

What a load of shite, you actually reading what I'm writing?

[michelle23]

You speak with such authority, like you know what's going on.. In your mind you've decided I'm a stone hearted monster.

Of course I'm upset, I've cried every day since the weekend. It tears me up to see how badly upset she is.

Maybe it's normal, maybe it's not for men to spend time thinking about other women lots, obviously you won't know about that.

I asked you a simple question. How does that make you feel? I never called you a monster. I said you have issues and you need help. There is nothing wrong with finding other people attractive but there is something wrong if youd consider trading in your wife for every "hottie" you meet or consider cheating. Stop being so defensive. You have to accept responsibility and try to make this right.

[bcgirl]

Now a child is involved. Why make a baby when you never were in love with your wife? Why didn't you just wear a rubber or use some method of protected sex? I mean, didn't it ever cross your mind that your wife can fall pregnant?

[searock]

What a load of shite, you actually reading what I'm writing?

I wouldn't have written that if I hadn't read your posts.