How much contact should be kept during "a break"

[lalalita]

You're not missing him if you have the upper hand and he's just waiting around for you to give him the word. REAL breakups don't work like this. You're creating a false sense of what "being without" him will feel like if you're still together.

[anonymous_a]

You're not missing him if you have the upper hand and he's just waiting around for you to give him the word. REAL breakups don't work like this. You're creating a false sense of what "being without" him will feel like if you're still together.

It's not just about missing him, it's about missing our life together, our apartment together, our routine, our day to day interactions. And obviously REAL break ups aren't like this, this isn't a break up. I'm doing this to clear my head, as there A LOT of factors causing me to feel like I need space. Have you read any of my posts in this thread? You sound like a broken record, and you're making my feel like one too. Why don't you take a few mins and read all the factors in the situation. There are tons of things affecting me right now, and they ALL play a part in my decision.

[surfhb2]

Ok....just remember that in 5 years you will be a completely different person that you are now. Just like now and when you were 17....remember? This is normal. Just keep this in mind

What's wrong with dating, living separately and going to school?

I hate to say this but you don't sound ready to settle right now. Most 23 years old aren't. You aren't the domesticated type person....you just aren't and that's cool. Someday you will want this but it's clear you don't seem up to it.

I sound like a father but secure your career and financially situation right now.....have fun and enjoy being with the mAn you love but put things in priority. It's called growing up.

[Exeter19]

NONE! it is called a break for a reason if you aren't going to do it right why do it at all? no internet, no text, no phone no drive bys no coffees no visits, 2 weeks break all contact. if not, why bother, does your phone have internet, your mom's house? how can you miss what you keep seeing and talking to.

[anonymous_a]

Ok....just remember that in 5 years you will be a completely different person that you are now. Just like now and when you were 17....remember? This is normal. Just keep this in mind

What's wrong with dating, living separately and going to school?

I hate to say this but you don't sound ready to settle right now. Most 23 years old aren't. You aren't the domesticated type person....you just aren't and that's cool. Someday you will want this but it's clear you don't seem up to it.

I sound like a father but secure your career and financially situation right now.....have fun and enjoy being with the mAn you love but put things in priority. It's called growing up.

I understand what you're saying. The reason we wouldn't be able to live separately and go to school is because our school's are 7 hours apart. Sometimes I do feel like I'm not ready to settle, but MOST times I can't fathom just throwing away the healthy, amazing relationship and life we have built... I am so torn!!!

NONE! it is called a break for a reason if you aren't going to do it right why do it at all? no internet, no text, no phone no drive bys no coffees no visits, 2 weeks break all contact. if not, why bother, does your phone have internet, your mom's house? how can you miss what you keep seeing and talking to.

I understand where you're coming from....

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your boyfriend is a loser.

Sounds like me when I was around 22...except for the broke part. I always had stacks of cash, but it was from selling assorted controlled substances(my only ambition at the time), so that wore heavy on my gf who was thinking about her/our future. I was failing school, which was important to her. Looking back, I know she had concerns for quite some time before we broke up, and she probably downplayed them when she brought them up to me. She stayed for so long and probably endured some extra stress because she didn't want to give up on the love we had for each other. When circumstances [somewhat] out of our control brought things to an end, I started to realize that I brought most of it on myself. There was quite a bit out of our control going on, but if I had been more responsible and in a place to work on things, there is a chance we could have gotten through things.

I see a lot of parallel with you and my ex. I'm sure she felt the same sense you feel of being my "mother", minus paying for me. At the time the breakup and subsequent indictment were the lowest point of my life, but that feeling of loss, regret, and ultimately hitting rock bottom was the best thing that ever happened to me. The 5 years since, have been nothing but up for me. I've got my career on track and pretty much do whatever the hell I want, when I want. If she had stayed with me, I would have had zero incentive to change for the better, but losing her made me want to make sure I don't lose a good woman simply because I'm a ****ing loser, going nowhere.

Long story short, you enable your loser boyfriend to feel like the man, and give him no reason to change. For some reason I don't think you've expressed to him that you feel like his mother in unequivocal terms. Using those exact words might light a fire under his ass. If not, drop him and get on. The dude is 26 already...if he was gonna make something of himself, he'd probably be on his way to doing it by now. Not being able to keep a summer job is sorry as ****, and speaks volumes.

Dump this loser, tell him its because he's a loser, give him a while and see if anything changes.

[Exeter19]

then you should go 2 weeks, zero contact and tell him, I need some space it is only for 2 weeks. if you still love him, can say i still love you but i want to work out things for myself. idk, if he is 26 he should be able to take care of himself for 2 weeks

[anonymous_a]

Long story short, you enable your loser boyfriend to feel like the man, and give him no reason to change. For some reason I don't think you've expressed to him that you feel like his mother in unequivocal terms. Using those exact words might light a fire under his ass. If not, drop him and get on. The dude is 26 already...if he was gonna make something of himself, he'd probably be on his way to doing it by now. Not being able to keep a summer job is sorry as ****.

Dump this loser, tell him its because he's a loser, give him a while and see if anything changes.

I HAVE expressed to him that I feel like I have to mother him sometimes, and that's why I'm anxious for the school year to start.. I hope that this year he can actually pull up his socks and do the responsible thing (he failed a couple classes last year). Same thing goes for next summer. I know that's a long time to waste in case it doesn't work out, but he is SO sweet, and caring and generous, and he has most the qualities of a good husband and father. We share many of the same views and opinions about marriage and kids, and other than a couple set backs it is the healthiest relationship (communication, trust, etc) that I've ever been in. The job thing this past summer was extremely frustrating, I almost broke up in the middle of the summer because of it, but I wasn't ready for it at that time. NOW, with all these new doubts coming to light, I'm that much closer to actually doing it, but I still have doubts. Also why I don't want to just throw it all away, because I fear I will regret it. Things seem to be getting clearer for me the more I'm away from him, and the more I talk about it, and I appreciate everyone's feedback.

[Wakeup]

What I think: I think you should just break up with him. Bite the bullet and say goodbye, go to school, play the field a bit longer because you want to and get your degree.

People in short term relationships (I call less then five years short term) shouldn't need to take breaks from one another. If you were meant to be LIFEmates, then there would be no break.

Good luck whatever you decide to do but decide it. Trying to make yourself miss him is just silly IMO. You know he's there, you know he'll never leave you and knowing that fact will not make you miss him like you would if you were'nt taking him for granted as always there for you when YOU deem it.

Be well.

[michelle23]

Sorry about your dad anon

i agree that a break doesnt really help you see what life is like without him coz u no you can click your fingers right now and he will come running. I think you wont really begin to miss him until its officially over and it truly sinks in but even then missing him doesnt mean you made the wrong decision.
If he cant hold down a job at 26, then hes not an adult. Unless you want to parent him for the next ten years then i would be walking away. He is not a man if he doesnt take his responsibilities seriously.

I honestly think if a man really loves you than he will feel partly rsponsible for you-as in ensuring you dont go without in order to support him. He knows you both have bills, rent, debts etc.
Money is tight but he has no drive or ambition to ensure you and him have a safe and secure future. His actions say he doesn't mind being mothered and hes happy ro sit back while you look after to him.

Im sure he has other great qualities that you love but so do lots of other men who also take their responsibilities seriously

[okwhat2013]

Sometimes I'm amazed anyone On here can actually maintain a relationship now a days. I think you all should be grateful that you have someone if you do...I'm signing off tonight u people can be so depressing...

[lalalita]

It's not just about missing him, it's about missing our life together, our apartment together, our routine, our day to day interactions. And obviously REAL break ups aren't like this, this isn't a break up. I'm doing this to clear my head, as there A LOT of factors causing me to feel like I need space. Have you read any of my posts in this thread? You sound like a broken record, and you're making my feel like one too. Why don't you take a few mins and read all the factors in the situation. There are tons of things affecting me right now, and they ALL play a part in my decision.

My opinion is still my opinion. You don't have to agree with it or like it.

Don't assume I haven't read all of the posts. I have, and what I said still stands.

[anonymous_a]

So I got what I wanted and he agreed to no contact. After much objection. At first he refused, flat out. Then he harassed my phone all night. Then when I was out with the girls visiting my dad in the cemetery, he called me and said he had something serious to talk about face to face. When I was done, I called him twice and texted him twice and no answer. I let him know I was going home to bed.

Finally he called me back and informed me that he was no longer putting our relationship first, but himself instead. He said he was going to prepare for HIS future because he can no longer deal with my uncertainty. He said we can still be a couple during this "break" as in not seeing anyone else. But he IS going to start looking for a roommate, and hope that I "come to my senses" before anything actually happens.

Now bear in mind, that this is not the first time he has told me he was going to give me my space. He has gone back on his word a few times, but this one seemed more serious. In a way it blows, but I am fairly confident that things will get better, and everything will happen the way it's supposed to. I suppose if we could even if we live separately, he could prove on his own, without my [financial] support and motivational "nagging" that he can be a responsible adult, we could reevaluate things. As for right now I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep. And taking tomorrow as it comes. Hope you all dream well.

[basilandthyme]

Anonymous, I'm not surprised he's had this reaction to the break and is starting to want to put himself first. And it wouldn't surprise me at all if this break ends up causing more harm than good.

How will you feel if he gets fed up with you leaving him hanging and dumps you?

[anonymous_a]

Anonymous, I'm not surprised he's had this reaction to the break and is starting to want to put himself first. And it wouldn't surprise me at all if this break ends up causing more harm than good.

How will you feel if he gets fed up with you leaving him hanging and dumps you?

I wouldn't be overly surprised. But if he breaks up with me then he will have to live with that fact. I decided to take this break to HELP our relationship. Whether it was the right thing to do or not, I did what I felt would help. If i would have stayed at the apartment and tried working through it, we would have fought even more and broke up anyways. Everything happens for a reason. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to.