Relationship Routine!

[Rosebud]

I will try and do that. It's going to be hard but I'm going to try my best. He's working such crappy hours I know he won't want to get into a deep conversation after work so maybe I should try beforehand so he can think it over while he's away from me. We'll see I'll keep you guys posted. I just figure out how to approach the situation without repeating past conversations.. that's gonna take me awhile!!

[Junsui]

Yeah, it's tough when the problem doesn't get solved the first time. Telling him before work so he can think it over sounds good.

[indigosoul]

Indigosoul, I do know what you mean, but I can't help but feel that there has to be somethign more we can do than just let it happen. I know everyone gets into a comfort zone but being able to keep things alive by doing differnet things I truly beleive is a key. I could be very naive for thinking this way, but I don't beleive this is just the end.

I don' think either Shh or I meant you should give up, sweet (I certainly didn't). I was simply agreeing that you can expect these kinds of periods in a long term relationship. Both Shh & I have been w/our spouses for over 15 years, so thats quite a bit of collective experience. In fact, I think i recommended a book that you might find helpful (give to your partner to read). Good luck!

[indigosoul]

He's working such crappy hours I know he won't want to get into a deep conversation after work

I just read this. Another useful book: The Weekend Marriage.

Note: I only recommend books that I have personally found useful. And its largely the same info as therapy (which we've also done) and not nearly as expensive. Though both are ALWAYS cheaper than divorce... (I'm joking ppl!)

[Rosebud]

I just read this. Another useful book: The Weekend Marriage.

Note: I only recommend books that I have personally found useful. And its largely the same info as therapy (which we've also done) and not nearly as expensive. Though both are ALWAYS cheaper than divorce... (I'm joking ppl!)

Ok I'm making notes of all these books you are recommending to me so I can read them. Although my significant other isn't into reading books I'm sure I can get some knowledge from them. I didn't realize you guys had been married for so long. And I did take what was said as just getting used to the factor this is how things are going to be and that they can't be changed. I refuse to try and change someone else, but I don't think I just have to accept this is how it is. I always try and keep a positive outlook on everything and try and look at things from all different perspectives aside from mine. Don't get me wrong, I think we have a lot fo work ahead of us but I do think things can get better if we make an attempt to change them.

I do plan on figuring out a way to discuss what's on my mind with him, and he's very excited to try a game I mentioned which will help other areas of our relationship as well.

I know I may look at things differently, But I really believe that if you have communication and you don't do the same things all the time it will give the realtionship life. If you have fun with each other even by chasing each other around or lighly making fun of each other to make each other laugh there is still a spark there and it will keep you on your toes. We do this all the time and so I knwo there is something we can do on these other areas. But thank you again for your advice!

[artyemi]

You know, even if you do the same things all the time, it still gives the relationship life.

Anyway, I'm a little shocked that you guys have been together for four years and have a child together, yet, you're having a hard time with trying to discuss what's on your mind with him. I don't know. Having been with someone for six years, there was nothing that I didn't say to him or he to me.

It seems like both of you guys are holding back from each other in some ways. For example, you said that when he comes home and he might have a problem, he doesn't share these things with you. And then, you said that you wanted to discuss things with him, but that you were going to wait until he gets out of work to talk about it because you didn't want to bother him. Two strangers that have a child together and live in the same roof. Why?

Maybe you've outgrown him, or maybe you've outgrown your old idea of what a relationship ought to be, and maybe you're holding on to him because you have a child together and he's the father...

[Rosebud]

You know, even if you do the same things all the time, it still gives the relationship life.

Anyway, I'm a little shocked that you guys have been together for four years and have a child together, yet, you're having a hard time with trying to discuss what's on your mind with him. I don't know. Having been with someone for six years, there was nothing that I didn't say to him or he to me.

It seems like both of you guys are holding back from each other in some ways. For example, you said that when he comes home and he might have a problem, he doesn't share these things with you. And then, you said that you wanted to discuss things with him, but that you were going to wait until he gets out of work to talk about it because you didn't want to bother him. Two strangers that have a child together and live in the same roof. Why?

Maybe you've outgrown him, or maybe you've outgrown your old idea of what a relationship ought to be, and maybe you're holding on to him because you have a child together and he's the father...

I don't think we have outgrown each other as we are very much in love with each other. He is the father of my child but that's not why I'm with him. I love him very much and I would do anything for him. I think sometimes we do hold back on things but it's not that we can't talk to each other. As I said before, we have discussed these issues along with others many times in the past, it's just how to approach this in a different manner since the ways I have used before have not worked. Obviously guys don't see things the same way as woman do and vice versa so we aren't always going to understand what everyone is trying to say. We do know each other but unless we have been in each others shoes it's hard for us to truly understand. That's all I was trying to say with that.

We are not strangers to each other at all. He is the typical guy that if something bothers him or his on his mind he feels the need to fix it before he asks for help ( men are from mars woman are from Venus) which is why he won't tell me until he has exhausted all his ideas first. And I wouldn't want to talk to him after he comes home from work because of the hours he works and I want him to relax since this is a new job and he's very stressed about so it hink it would be better to speak to him after he wakes up in the morning when we spend most of our time togehter and he will ahve an open mind and then be able to think about everything I said when he's at work and not around me.

All in all, we have a very good relationship I just think we have hit a bump in the road that we need to overcome. I appreciate all the advice as it is letting me write down and express more feelings that I have. I feel like I ahve repeated myself so many times in this thread but I think all this is helping me very much.

[Mish]

Hi Rosebud, I have another idea

Maybe he is being this way becuase he has lost some passion in his life or no longer pursues things that he felt passionately about in the past? (Because there is little time for that now or becuase of the responsibillties). How well do you know him? How well do you know where his passions and affiliations lie? Who did he reall really want to become when he was still a teenager? Myself, I wanted to be a rock star. I made my own electric guitar and decided to take over the world with my music (Surprsingle that never happened and I pursued a career instead).

But speaking from personal experience. Being served dinner by a naked girl maybe an interesting Endeavor , but for me personally it wouldn't compare with the intimacy i would feel if a girl I am with asked me if she could write a song with me. Just for her realising that this is my long time passion, would make me look at her as something special. I think every man is like that. Every man would be passionate about something, be it sport, or music, or war history or stock market. Maybe if you can find these passionate sides of him and make an effort to join him on them he will start looking at you not as just a partner, but also as a soul mate? And with that outlook change maybe other things will follow...

Just a suggestion, what do you think?

[Rosebud]

Hi Rosebud, I have another idea

Maybe he is being this way becuase he has lost some passion in his life or no longer pursues things that he felt passionately about in the past? (Because there is little time for that now or becuase of the responsibillties). How well do you know him? How well do you know where his passions and affiliations lie? Who did he reall really want to become when he was still a teenager? Myself, I wanted to be a rock star. I made my own electric guitar and decided to take over the world with my music (Surprsingle that never happened and I pursued a career instead).

But speaking from personal experience. Being served dinner by a naked girl maybe an interesting Endeavor , but for me personally it wouldn't compare with the intimacy i would feel if a girl I am with asked me if she could write a song with me. Just for her realising that this is my long time passion, would make me look at her as something special. I think every man is like that. Every man would be passionate about something, be it sport, or music, or war history or stock market. Maybe if you can find these passionate sides of him and make an effort to join him on them he will start looking at you not as just a partner, but also as a soul mate? And with that outlook change maybe other things will follow...

Just a suggestion, what do you think?

I do like that idea a lot and I think a lot of good can come from it. I do know him pretty well and the only thing that he has a real passion for is sports. I always loved sports but I never really cared for football all the much but that was because I couldn't understand it. he has been really ademit on me watching the games with him so he can explain everything to me. He loves when I get all heated about a play!!! But in any case this is also an area that I'm working on as well as I still have a long ways to go. Plus, He has loved golf since he was a child so last year I decided that I could ahve him teach me as wella nd we could go and play together.... who new I was a natural? and I can play right ther alogn with him. But even though we still go golfing, it's not as exciting as it was when I first learned how to do it and he was intrigued by knowing I wanted to play with him! So we'll see i'll keep trying these things don't worry!

Thanks by the way, it helps to have different points of view on all this!

[Mish]

"Sorry, but I suggest you either get used to it, or since you aren't married, move on" by Shh!

So when are you guys getting married? And why not married yet?

[TAVS]

So I thought this thread seemed interesting. I printed it and read it on the bus this morning. I feel for you man, and I can imagine this is a hard thing to tackle. It does, however, look like you've gotten a lot of feedback already, and I doubt I could provide anything useful in addition. All I'd say is, don't be affraid to get in his face if you have to. Sometimes you really need to bash someone in the head to get your desparation across.

[Rosebud]

So I thought this thread seemed interesting. I printed it and read it on the bus this morning. I feel for you man, and I can imagine this is a hard thing to tackle. It does, however, look like you've gotten a lot of feedback already, and I doubt I could provide anything useful in addition. All I'd say is, don't be affraid to get in his face if you have to. Sometimes you really need to bash someone in the head to get your desparation across.

Wow Tavs, I appreciate you taking the at time to try and help me and I thank you for your comment because that's how I feel now too.

We have been talking about marriage for a long time. We both want to get married thereason we haven't at first was because we wanted to make sure it was WE wanted to do and not just to do it because we had a child. Which was the right thing for us to do. Since then he has had me looking for the ring I want but I told him I don't care what ti is.. I don't care if it's $100 or $4000. That's not the point, the point is us being together and so he has told me he wants to save the money to get me a good ring which i deserve. Well that's fine I cappet that, but then I get upset when he spends extra money he has on hutning gear or golfing stuff and just forgets about me. If this is what he wants to do then he should be putting forth an effort which by him spending his extra money on other things.. he's putting me on the back burner. I don't know if he's scared or what? We haven't had the best relationship all 4 years we did break up a lot in the beginning because he wanted to settle down and I at 21 did not. But we have settled down, and I want to be with him but I can't keep waiting for him to just say "ok I'm ready now" I mean I have cryed about this time and time again.. Because he tells me he wants me, and he loves me and I know he does because of all the thigns he does and says but I just don't know what's holding him back. I have been in a good modd lately despite all these things for some reason, since I have been dealing with them for a long time but that's the point I don't want to get used to something that could never happen. And I know you guys will probably tell me that I should move on, and I have thought of that. I miss a lot of things from when I was single and dating people, but that's not the best thing for me or my child. I think I'm all confused and an emotional wreck but my friends have been very supportive of me including his friends as well. 2 weeks ago I received a promise ring and I'm happy with that but I don't think it changes anything.

[Mish]

"That's not the point, the point is us being together" by Rosebud

Set a date for marriage with him, everything else will fall in place after that (Including him getting you the ring). It sounds like he does take you for granted a little bit. I think marriage is the first step towards establishing the seriousness component of your relationship with him.

[shh!]

"That's not the point, the point is us being together" by Rosebud

Set a date for marriage with him, everything else will fall in place after that (Including him getting you the ring). It sounds like he does take you for granted a little bit. I think marriage is the first step towards establishing the seriousness component of your relationship with him.

I agree with this post, but based on some of Rosebud's posts, I'm not sure this man is really the man for her. Sorry.

[Rosebud]

That's ok shh, I value your opinion. I agree with you to a certain extent. I think there's a lot of things that I wish were different and I know somebody else could give those things to me but then I'm sure I'd find things in that person that I would wish would be different as well. But as things change in the relationship so do the people. And I think setting a marriage date would be a good thing. But at the same time I don't want to feel as though I'm pressuring him to make a deadline. I know he will take me seriously and I don't think he would object. So maybe I'll talk with tonight when he gets home and see what he says about that. We ahve talked about going to the Justice of the Peace but that's not how I want to do things. So I'll keep you guys posted.