you think my boyfriend is controlling?

[RdHrshyKss]

tell him that you have something to discuss with him and that you want him to open-minded about it. that you want him to listen to what you have to say and that afterwards he can express his thoughts and you guys will work together to come to some kind of agreement. explain that you aren't dictating anything to him, that things are negotiable, but that you are having feelings about it and you need to get it off your chest and it would mean a lot to you if he would hear you out. it should be more of a discussion than anything else. set a time and a place to have the discussion and do it. it's probably best if you give him some time to prepare for it rather than just throw it at him randomly. when you do that, to a guy or a girl, their first reaction is usually to be defensive. but if you prepare him for it and give him enough time to get his head in the right place, your discussion will hopefully go well.

[girl68]

what my mom told me is that he should pay for dates...not everything..she said that if he has a job and is not offering..then there is something wrong with it.

Your mom is a princess.

and it doesnt help that he says those comments about how I need to get a job so I can treat him...it makes me think he just wants to see if I actually will take him out to dinner bc he said that, not because he actually wants me to. kinda like trying to test me.

You already admitted plenty of times you keep score- why can't he? You BOTH should have jobs if you're think you're old enough to maintain a relationship.

I got food and drank maybe 2 glasses out of the 3 pitchers he bought. anyways, when the waitress was trying to figure out the checks, I asked him if he wanted me to pay for some of the pitchers, even tho I had 2 glasses, and he said "no" soo thats that

STOP ASKING- OFFER! Just say I got 10 on it.

I ask if he wants me to pay for my drink

Don't ask- just sraight up offer.

[VincenzoG91]

lilxcutie53, I hope that some day you will care about some guy so much that you want to make him happy without worrying about money or control or what your mother thinks about conventional gender roles. That will be the day when you discover love.

[lilxcutie53]

ok Girl68...first of all I dont know where you've been brought up..or anything, but its safe to say that if a guy you are dating that cares about you, he should pay if he chooses to take you on dates..its called being a gentlemen. yes, your right its polite to offer to pay for it, and obviously if he says no then he says no. i'm pretty sure if I paid for my boyfriend all the time we went out..he would walk all over me and take advantage of it. and lets keep your opinions about my mom to yourself...and like I said before..I dont ask him to take me out to dinner or pay for me...he wants to take me out.and heres no reason for me wanting to test him to see if he pays..I thank him every time he takes me out and I dont expect him to take me out as much as he does....therefore im not keeping score. the only reason I asked if he wanted me to get part of the pitcher was because that was only way I knew of offering to pay......I graduated college in May and am in the process of finding a real-world full time job..seriously cut me some slack...

lilxcutie53, I hope that some day you will care about some guy so much that you want to make him happy without worrying about money or control or what your mother thinks about conventional gender roles. That will be the day when you discover love.

let me ask you this....would youuuuuuuuu want a partner that tried to manipulate and control you....? I think I would be a pretty naive girl, if I treated some like he was my world that was manipulating and controlling...comeee on now..

[girl68]

The difference between you and me is that I have been brought up to not EXPECT nothing from a man. Your mother has instilled gold digger behaviour that a guy must shower you with gifts to be loved- by saying SHOULD PAY all the time. That desperately what you're projecting. A guy should hold a damn door open not his wallet. A gentleman has nothing to do with spending money- it is an attitude not a dollar sign. YOUR bf would walk all over you- 'cause you have an idiot for one and so far all I see is you deserve eachother.

Slack is given only to those who seem to *want* the screw their heads on properly; not for those who are oblivious.

Sorry gold digger was a little harsh- your mother instilled little miss princess...

[nerdy_guy]

I actually do pay for our dates, but the thing is, my woman did consider that I'm just a working stiff like her, so there are times (sometimes) that she would offer to pay for our date, even if I was the one who asked her out. The thing is, she even gets a higher salary than I do, but I never complained or whined to her about who pays what, since I'm not into the whole "date accounting" thing. The truth is I do get embarrassed that she pays for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging you to be a princess, or keeping score. What I am telling you is that since he is working now, and do get an income, maybe you should have looked for a job as well. Yes, I read the part that you just graduated from college, but then again, I'm assuming you were not born rich.

What I am saying is that you should have looked for part time jobs while schooling instead of looking for an excuse of not having money. You said he is working, yes, as an INTERN, that means CHEAP LABOR under the guise of "paid work experience", he does get an income but its still not that much. Is he living at home or is renting? does he have to spend for his own food and other expenses? If he's being independent then cut him some slack. you're not working, yet you're okay, that means you're currently being supported. He would be pretty much on the same footing as you then.

Regarding the beer he wanted you to buy for him. That, is definitely keeping score. you know why? because its not a money issue. you're whining because you're paying for something that is just for him and not for the both of you to share. In my book, that is "accounting". I'm not telling you to follow me, but just as an example. My woman's mobile phone recently got busted and even ifshe makes a lot more than I do (almost twice), I love her enough to buy her a new one, a much better one, and not just a replacement (A mobile computer phone). for her to use PERSONALLY, ONLY. That costs more than a 24pack beer.

What I'm trying to say here is that just give what you want to give. stop, putting a lot of monetary value into it. you give it cause you love him. if he's not worth a 24pack of beer then dump his ass. You're both quite the same actually, You won't buy him the beer since your not drinking it, and he won't buy you gas too since he's not part of the trip.

[VincenzoG91]

let me ask you this....would youuuuuuuuu want a partner that tried to manipulate and control you....? I think I would be a pretty naive girl, if I treated some like he was my world that was manipulating and controlling...comeee on now..

I'm not saying that your current relationship is ideal. With all the issues that you've got on your mind, I suspect that you two are headed for a breakup soon enough. It doesn't mean that either one of you is right or wrong, necessarily, just that the two of you might not be good for each other. But someday, you may meet a guy that you truly care about at least as much as yourself, and on that day, you may be fortunate enough to find love. And you won't be keeping tally of who paid what and who said thanks, because you will know how small and petty that is compared to love.

[Mish]

let me ask you this....would youuuuuuuuu want a partner that tried to manipulate and control you....? I think I would be a pretty naive girl, if I treated some like he was my world that was manipulating and controlling...comeee on now..

I am yet to find an example of the said manipulative and controlling behaviour from your bf in your posts

i'm pretty sure if I paid for my boyfriend all the time we went out..he would walk all over me

I think the fact that you think this way^ is a bit creepy. Earlier you said that you think that it is the job of the guy to want to pay for everything, does that mean that you should walk all over him then?

[lilxcutie53]

I actually do pay for our dates, but the thing is, my woman did consider that I'm just a working stiff like her, so there are times (sometimes) that she would offer to pay for our date, even if I was the one who asked her out. The thing is, she even gets a higher salary than I do, but I never complained or whined to her about who pays what, since I'm not into the whole "date accounting" thing. The truth is I do get embarrassed that she pays for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging you to be a princess, or keeping score. What I am telling you is that since he is working now, and do get an income, maybe you should have looked for a job as well. Yes, I read the part that you just graduated from college, but then again, I'm assuming you were not born rich.

What I am saying is that you should have looked for part time jobs while schooling instead of looking for an excuse of not having money. You said he is working, yes, as an INTERN, that means CHEAP LABOR under the guise of "paid work experience", he does get an income but its still not that much. Is he living at home or is renting? does he have to spend for his own food and other expenses? If he's being independent then cut him some slack. you're not working, yet you're okay, that means you're currently being supported. He would be pretty much on the same footing as you then.

Regarding the beer he wanted you to buy for him. That, is definitely keeping score. you know why? because its not a money issue. you're whining because you're paying for something that is just for him and not for the both of you to share. In my book, that is "accounting". I'm not telling you to follow me, but just as an example. My woman's mobile phone recently got busted and even ifshe makes a lot more than I do (almost twice), I love her enough to buy her a new one, a much better one, and not just a replacement (A mobile computer phone). for her to use PERSONALLY, ONLY. That costs more than a 24pack beer.

What I'm trying to say here is that just give what you want to give. stop, putting a lot of monetary value into it. you give it cause you love him. if he's not worth a 24pack of beer then dump his ass. You're both quite the same actually, You won't buy him the beer since your not drinking it, and he won't buy you gas too since he's not part of the trip.

i've never whined to him about paying for dates ever! and while I was in school I was a tour guide and I made a little money, but he didnt work at all..he just got money from his parents. and when I got home from school I was substitute teacher so I was making 14$ an hr while doing that and saved like 1,000. but it went fast from eating out/ going out, drinking..etc. since his internship..we actually have only gone on 1 date and other then that we've gone out quite a bit, but when we go out to a bar its known that normally we pay for ourselves. anyways, now since that ended mid-june, ive been applying to many many job, real world jobs, receptionist jobs..i've been on like 7 interviews..i actually have one tomorrow. and he lives at home with his parents.. his mom spoils him with stuff..he has designer clothing, he lost his Iphone in the snow and his mom bought him a new one. his mom cooks for him all the time..not just dinner. My parents never did that.. I had to buy my own Iphone, I pay for my own clothes, gas, food when eating out, once I do find a job I will be mostly financially independent, except for car, health, phone bill, etc. sometimes I think a lot of reasons why hes like the way is he is bc hes used to getting what he wants..sometimes when I ask him to come over he doesnt want to come to my house, bc I dont have a big enough TV. or when I confronted him one time about how im always staying at his house and he isnt at mine, he was saying that my pull out couch was uncomfortable, etc, etc

also, I didnt actually pay for the beer...I told him I wasnt paying for it because I wasnt drinking. I would never ask him to buy something for me just because I wanted it. example: I would never ask him to buy me a shirt or something if we went shopping together So thats why I got offended.

[nerdy_guy]

i've never whined to him about paying for dates ever! and while I was in school I was a tour guide and I made a little money, but he didnt work at all..he just got money from his parents. and when I got home from school I was substitute teacher so I was making 14$ an hr while doing that and saved like 1,000. but it went fast from eating out/ going out, drinking..etc. since his internship..we actually have only gone on 1 date and other then that we've gone out quite a bit, but when we go out to a bar its known that normally we pay for ourselves. anyways, now since that ended mid-june, ive been applying to many many job, real world jobs, receptionist jobs..i've been on like 7 interviews..i actually have one tomorrow. and he lives at home with his parents.. his mom spoils him with stuff..he has designer clothing, he lost his Iphone in the snow and his mom bought him a new one. his mom cooks for him all the time..not just dinner. My parents never did that.. I had to buy my own Iphone, I pay for my own clothes, gas, food when eating out, once I do find a job I will be mostly financially independent, except for car, health, phone bill, etc. sometimes I think a lot of reasons why hes like the way is he is bc hes used to getting what he wants..sometimes when I ask him to come over he doesnt want to come to my house, bc I dont have a big enough TV. or when I confronted him one time about how im always staying at his house and he isnt at mine, he was saying that my pull out couch was uncomfortable, etc, etc

also, I didnt actually pay for the beer...I told him I wasnt paying for it because I wasnt drinking. I would never ask him to buy something for me just because I wanted it. example: I would never ask him to buy me a shirt or something if we went shopping together So thats why I got offended.

He sound's like a spoiled brat mama's boy the way you describe him (no wonder you like him a lot! jk ).

as for the other things you said, you still missed the point others have been telling you.

I didnt actually pay for the beer...I told him I wasnt paying for it because I wasnt drinking.
This part here? yes, you're definitely doing accounting. Just like what I said, You don't want to pay for it because you're not drinking. That is a very shallow reason, if you didn't want to buy him beer because it will kill him, THAT is a different story. This is the reason why people here keep telling you to stop counting.

I would never ask him to buy something for me just because I wanted it.
Good for him, he's lucky you don't ask things from him. but here's the thing, He is not you. You have different belief systems, you can't tell him to conform to what you believe in. I believe in adjustments to each others characters and habits. But not this. Either get yourself cloned, or buy a mirror.

According to you:
1. He's a mama's boy
2. He watches his shows Live. But you're not allowed to.
3. Manipulative and controlling
4. Asks you to pay for his personal stuff
5. Doesn't thank you for anything (rude)
6. Tells you your couch is not comfy enough (Asshole)
7. Complains that your TV is too small (Whiner)

There are probably more endearing traits than I have listed here. So, what is there to love about him again?

Bottom line, if you can't live with his spoiled brat attitude, look for someone else.

[lahnnabell]

A gentleman will pay for you because he wants to, not because he has to, or because it is expected, or has to be told. If a man feels you are worth his while, he'll put forward the money, no questions asked. You are clearly not worth this guy's dime.

When my boyfriend and I began dating, he took me out all the time and never allowed me to pay. I never asked him to pay my way, but he cared about me and wanted to show me that he could help take care of me. He could've taken me anywhere and spent no money on me and I would have been just as happy. Because I love him, not what he buys me.

When I invited him out, I paid. Now that we've been dating for almost a year and we're both financially equipped, we share expenses.

[vashti]

I can't be bothered to keep track of who is or isn't a princess, who is spoiled, etc. In the few posts I read, both these people sound like they are spoiled princesses who take advantage of one another and spend irresponsibly, so here is the general rule about dating expenses: he who invites SHOULD pay, whether that person is the male or the female. If one person does more of the inviting, it is up to the other person to try to reciprocate so the other doesn't feel taken advantage of.

To the OP: you don't seem to like this guy a lot. Maybe you should just break up with him, and find a boyfriend who treats you more like you want?

And for the record, I fully expect a man to pay for a date he invites me on. If I like him afterwards, I reciprocate.

[lilxcutie53]

Its not that I dont like him...I just feel like he does a lot of things on purpose to see if I am willing to put forth the effort. you dont ask someone to buy you something or to pay for something (ive never asked him to buy me dinner...I was just thrown off at the beginning when he would want to split the bill)...they buy things for you because they want to and expect nothing in return. (there was a situation where he was frustrated that he wasnt going to be able to get his football ticket on time bc of class, so when I went to go get mine, I got my ticket, plus used my guest ticket to get him one, so he would have one in case they sold out before he got to the ticket booth) I don't ask my bf to buy me a beer..I have my own money..he offers to buy me a beer. and even when ive been out wiht him and ive drinking some of his beer i've offered to pay

.I dont really like to go out for dinner because i'm trying to not eat out as much bc its not healthy, but if someone asks me out on a date..then sure id go out. I think any girl would take up that offer. but just like Vashti said...she would expect the person who invites the other out to pay...if its a date, etc, etc. if its just the two of us going out to dinner because we dont feel like cooking, yada yada, then we split the bill. Its been harder now that we've been home, but during the school year, I would ask if he would want to come over for dinner and I would cook. Thats my way of giving back. but there would be times that I would offer to cook for him and then he would just want me to come over for dinner at his house instead. and i've asked my boyfriend 3 times if hes wanted to come over to my house for dinner(at home) with my family, and hes come over once...and when he's asked me over ive gone every time. I've pretty much do a lot of things he invites me to, unless I've already made plans or cant, because of class, etc. and since he likes to go out a lot with his friends, its normally me and his 5 guy friends..which is fun, but after awhile it gets old., but for me my friends are different. a lot of us are career oriented, so a lot of them are now working or doing internships and dont want to go out so there isnt of me inviting him to go out and drink well bc it doesnt really happen. I like to go out sometimes, but not all. I like to relax and watch a movie, etc. not drink every night. I'm happy with him just sitting with me on my bed hanging out..him watching TV and me playing on the computer, but he doesnt like to do that. so whenever I ask him to do things that I want to do that dont include drinking (eating at my house, watching a movie, relaxing, coming over to hang out) he doesnt want to..so ive stopped asking, bc its no fun getting rejected. we hang out almost every day, but if I suggest something or ask him if he wants to do something and he doesnt he asks if I'd rather do what his friends are doing, and I just go so I can see him.
At school it was never like this tho and I am assuming that because every one is on their own schedules and are busy so he had a lot of time to fit me in. He got mad at me the other day because I told him that I was going to see inception with my friend's friends (he doesnt know them..they are a bunch of girls from her sorority) and he got pissed and said "thanks for inviting me.." which i dont understand why he was upset...1) I knew that he prob wouldnt want to go bc it would be with a bunch of girls, unless his guy friends could come with him and its not my place to ask my friend's friend if all those people can come, esp if shes never met my bf before and 2) a couple of days before hand he just wanted to have a guy night, and didnt invite me over.. so am I not allowed to have a night where I just want to be with friends...? so I dont see why he got pissed off at that. Its not that I dont like him at all...its just kinda like hes a bit of a double standard.

another thing is that its been really hard for me to adjust to his working schedule. Bc now a lot of times he says he will call me after work, he doesnt actually make plans with me until he actually calls at 630, but by that time i've made plans with some girlfriends. so its hard because he calls me after work, says hes going to go do P90x with his friend Devin and then he calls again after that to see what I am doing..normally im being tutored for the GRE, so im free after i'm done, but its like hes still hanging out with devin or another friend has come over..and sometimes I leave myself with no plans so that i can be available for him..its been hard, so sometimes we go 2 days without seeing each other.

[girl68]

I can't be bothered to keep track of who is or isn't a princess, who is spoiled, etc. In the few posts I read, both these people sound like they are spoiled princesses who take advantage of one another and spend irresponsibly.

If this was honestly directed at me that's pretty entertaining.

[vashti]

If this was honestly directed at me that's pretty entertaining.

why would it be?