Counselling how should I proceed?

[Sonrisa]

did you learn anything at all?

[IndiReloaded]

I'm pretty sure you can print those articles from the site.

Anyway, I too am starting to feel like you are just making excuses. I signed in to check up on you, but I'm heading to work. I don't read anything new from you. I'll check back later.

Thinking is important, but only if its productive. In your case, Girl, thoughts will just lead to more thoughts. Not action. You need to actually try *something* at this point, but I'm not sure you have to will at this point. That's not something anyone can give you: not me, not LF and not a counsellor.

Good luck on your journey.

[girl68]

Obviously I have the will to do something about it, and I am. Hence this post, and the other action I've taken. I've been emailing with a few potential counsellors and am trying to figure out where and how my benefits will cover such and if we mesh. I do plan to speak to someone. And we'll go from there.

[Primo]

Girl, you probably don't give a crap what I have to say, but looks like Mish is the only other guy to post on this thread and he touched on what I'm going to say. The girls gave you some great insight to yourself, but from what I'm reading the problems are in your relationship with your man, they're not problems that cripple you 24/7 and have plagued you throughout your life.

If you were stranded on an island would you feel this way about yourself? If you were single and lived alone, would you feel this way about yourself? For some reason I don't think so. I think this relationship, as good as you say it is, may not be so healthy for "you". You should always feel special, always feel coveted, always feel beautiful and desired in a good relationship.

I really don't care who disagrees, but I'm not a big porn person in the first place 'at all', I can't even imagine watching it in a healthy relationship. Do these people sit around the house all day with nothing to do? With no kids involved and both people working, you 'should' be racing home at the end of the day to have each other...I'm not saying screw until you pass out every night, but when those nights aren't happening you should be having a nice dinner together and catching up on everything that's going on, curling up on the couch or in bed to watch a good movie or listen to music...enjoying your seperate hobbies or projects in your own space, but popping in for a quick kiss and lovepet every once in awhile. You know, things that are intimate and loving, not watching some people who REALLY ARE screwed up fu*k on a pc monitor.

It sounds like you're relationship with this man has become toxic to your life. When people are toxic to your life, it's time to remove them. Personally, I don't think you're going to get anything from a counsellor that you won't get and haven't gotten on here...but Indi is right, you need to do something besides stew about it.

Food for thought...

[girl68]

I love how I've been told I must do something about it... great advice... I AM hello! I'm seeking professional help.

[IndiReloaded]

Cool Girl. Post and update and let us know how it goes. I'm curious to learn your opinion about counselling.

[girl68]

I will, could perhaps be a while but yeah, I'll check back in.

[Gigabitch]

I was in therapy for a long time, dealing with some really complicated family-of-origin issues. I learned a lot about myself. I know this sounds like a total cliche, but how is your relationship with your mother?

[girl68]

It is totally cliche.

If we're going to get into that: my relationship with my mother is not good, but could be worse. My parents are divorced and my dad's a workoholic. My mother was a nag, and is very overbearing and overprotective. This is only the very tip of the iceberg.

Maybe my therapist can dig into all that shit...

[Sanctuary]

I don't know where your low self esteem comes from (and I don't feel privileged to ask), but that seems to be the root of your problems.

My first gf had parents, grandparents, and an aunt/uncle that all got divorced. All happened with the guy leaving the woman.

She was so insecure that it was outrageous.

I was really supportive and it took a long time to instill confidence in her.

I'm with Vash when she says maybe you should get a hobby. What do you enjoy? What are you good at?

I don't know where you draw your self esteem from, but if it's from just your boyfriend, that's not good.

[girl68]

Thing is I *do* have hobbies, and I engage in them regularly. Sometimes with the bf, sometimes without. My number 1 hobbie is and always has been dancing. I do that often, and I do not include my bf in that one. I play hockey, I ski, and I keep fish those are my other hobbies. So I'm not like I'm just dwiddling my thumbs driving myself mad... I do, do "stuff".

But yeah, I know what you're getting at.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe my therapist can dig into all that shit...

Well, get your ****ing wallet out, because it's gonna cost you. It blows my mind how much I spent on therapy (over ten grand). It was worth it, because I was barely functional at the beginning thanks, in large part, to a poisonous mother and was nearly suicidal.

A word to the wise- remember that a therapist is as fallible and human as anyone else; they're just better educated. Don't let them put you on meds. You need to get through this, not around it.

[girl68]

Nah, I'm not going to be swayed into getting into pills. And I believe I'm covered. My plan covers 12 sessions a year and my partners I'm sure covers some.

But thanks for the pointers.

[lilly1185]

I dunno how Canadia works, but in the US you aren't covered under an s/o's insurance unless you're married.

If you don't want to dump money into a therapist right away, why not grab up some self-help books? Some of them a therapist will have you read anyway. Keep a journal of your thoughts, why some things bug you, steps that can be taken that would make you feel better about the situation (ranging from logical; "I can take a deep breath and revisit this topic later," to illogical; "I want to throw this person off the pope's pulpit") follow the books as they are CHOCK full of little daily exercises.

It's fun sometimes, frusturating as HELL other times, and if you manage to log your journey, you'll have something to look back on and see how far you've come (I occasionally read a livejournal i kept since Highschool, and realised I've learned a lot, and that if my 24 year old self were to meet my 15 year old self, 24 year old self would punch 15 year old self in the brains).

To discredit somethings you've said; Not ALL guys look at porn or other women, SOME guys will compromise with you,
and yea he may love you, but do you really want to warp the hell out of yourself to be with somone because they might love you?
You might have some personal identity issues. I struggle with co-dependancy and borderline personality disorder, and often use my relationships with other's to define myself. It's not healthy in any sense, but I deal with it everyday. And try to overcome it.

Another thing that may not be mentioned; sometimes it's REALLY REALLY hard to find a good therapist. It's sort of like dating, you have to have a spark with someone to be able to burden them with the depths of your soul, otherwise you'll dread every minute you're in there while they sit there playing sudoku, acting like they're taking notes, and occasionally "Mmmhmm-ing" while you're going on a soliloquy.

One day at a time. Read up on some disorders (keep an open mind, I don't want you to become a psychological hypochondriac), or maybe even step in to get evaluated. It's a huge complicated process at first, but knowing what you have (and making sure you aren't labeling yourself as "I am a..." ...I made a contradiction I know...) is a good start to recovery. *hug* You'll be okay.

I hate porn and have srs jealousy issues, too.

[girl68]

A few things to note: we're common law in Canada that means you're "married" except you're not.

I would like to do the book route, but I want a recomendation any ideas?

I do have a journal, I write in it and yes sometimes it helps when I go back and read it over.

In your words: I do want to "warp the hell out of myself". I believe that it doesn't get any better than this... I don't want a guy who is anti porn you know why? Because I don't think an anti porn man would be as sexual as I want and need. I don't think that guy exsists, perhaps you could argue he does... and maybe you would be right but I am not prepared to leave what I have to try a find such a rare man. So that said, my point is that I need to become more secure within myself to see that porn is not a threat...

Thank you for your cyber hug!