Frustrating Love - Bound by a Promise.

[Blueeyes79]

Ah, good catch.

So why are you still kicking around? Especially when it's causing her husband to become angry and threatening with her...?

Well its this whole stubborness thing, I think that despite her situation she is in fact a pretty awesome gal. She does have some pretty wickedly strong feelings for me, but I need peeps to
know that she is trying to isolate herself a bit to sort out things and do the right thing, but the fact that her husband's a dickhead and makes her feel shitty makes it really hard to not want to
lean on me, which, and maybe i am being weak myself, I have no problem is doing because honestly I think we've all been in situations where we need someone solid to lean against. Its hard to
back away from someone that not only I have feelings for but just my personal guidelines regarding abandoning a friend in need just doesn't sit well with me.

[Blueeyes79]

This thread title is pretty awesome. Bound by a promise?

Life isn't a Julia Roberts novel. The quicker you realize that, the better off you'll be.

Lol thanks, but I've never read anything by Julia Roberts. The only thing I realize about life is that
its all about risks and what you think is worth it. No one knows wtf will happen, all you can do is
take a chance and enjoy the ride.

[Mathias]

Well its this whole stubborness thing, I think that despite her situation she is in fact a pretty awesome gal. She does have some pretty wickedly strong feelings for me, but I need peeps to
know that she is trying to isolate herself a bit to sort out things and do the right thing, but the fact that her husband's a dickhead and makes her feel shitty makes it really hard to not want to
lean on me, which, and maybe i am being weak myself, I have no problem is doing because honestly I think we've all been in situations where we need someone solid to lean against. Its hard to
back away from someone that not only I have feelings for but just my personal guidelines regarding abandoning a friend in need just doesn't sit well with me.

If you're concerned about what's best for her - it's walking away and letting her sort out her life.

Having you in her life right now is bad for her. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is just rationalizing immoral behavior.

[Blueeyes79]

If you're concerned about what's best for her - it's walking away and letting her sort out her life.

Having you in her life right now is bad for her. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is just rationalizing immoral behavior.

Well like I mentioned, she's trying to limit contact with me so whether or not I'm there doesn't seem to be an issue.

[IndiReloaded]

This isn't really about her, its about you. If you loved her truly, you would let her know your feelings (already done) and then DISAPPEAR until she comes to you clean.

You know its the right thing to do, but you don't have the strength for it. Nor do you have the confidence in your connection. If you did, you would be able to step aside for a while, like HeartIsAching did. She doesn't have the strength either, but then she's dealing with the conflicting pull of two guys and her own messed up emotional state. You, however, have only yourself to take care of.

There are no children involved in this mess are there?

[IndiReloaded]

Well like I mentioned, she's trying to limit contact with me so whether or not I'm there doesn't seem to be an issue.

You can help her, tho, instead of sabotaging her efforts to sort her head out. Your presence isn't a help right now. Be there for her AFTER she splits not before. Right now you say you don't want to be the cause of her divorce, but you're not being honest about this. Leave her alone, break off contact. See which way she goes then.

[Blueeyes79]

This isn't really about her, its about you. If you loved her truly, you would let her know your feelings (already done) and then DISAPPEAR until she comes to you clean.

You know its the right thing to do, but you don't have the strength for it. Nor do you have the confidence in your connection. If you did, you would be able to step aside for a while, like HeartIsAching did. She doesn't have the strength either, but then she's dealing with the conflicting pull of two guys and her own messed up emotional state. You, however, have only yourself to take care of.

There are no children involved in this mess are there?

No there's no children thank god.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, another viewpoint would be to break them up as hard and fast as you can before she gets pregnant by this guy. If you haven't had sex with her yet, maybe you should.

I'm not as adamant about divorce when there aren't kids involved, obviously. Still, its a question of your values. Not much more to add beyond what I've said, BlueEyes.

[Blueeyes79]

Well, another viewpoint would be to break them up as hard and fast as you can before she gets pregnant by this guy. If you haven't had sex with her yet, maybe you should.

I'm not as adamant about divorce when there aren't kids involved, obviously. Still, its a question of your values. Not much more to add beyond what I've said, BlueEyes.

I hear ya. The whole situation just sucks. And I could be mistaken but with the attitude she has towards him lately I doubt with 99.9% certainty that baby making or even practicing for that matter is
taking place. She's already given in him the "I love you but just not in love with you" bomb. There's a few people close to her that seem to agree she's already 'checked out' of the marriage but that she just hasn't found
the strength or confidence yet to end it yet.

[HeartIsAching]

This isn't really about her, its about you. If you loved her truly, you would let her know your feelings (already done) and then DISAPPEAR until she comes to you clean.

You know its the right thing to do, but you don't have the strength for it. Nor do you have the confidence in your connection. If you did, you would be able to step aside for a while, like HeartIsAching did. She doesn't have the strength either, but then she's dealing with the conflicting pull of two guys and her own messed up emotional state. You, however, have only yourself to take care of.

There are no children involved in this mess are there?

By the way, not all of the time that we were not together was my wife's fault.

I told you she moved away - in fact, she moved more than halfway across the country from me... and I gave up. I thought I'd never see her again. Two years later, she called me, and was ready to jump, but by then I'd (foolishly) gotten involved with somebody else and gotten her pregnant. At the point that I'd gotten her pregnant, I was actually ready to end the relationship, but the coming child caused me to stay, and try to make it work. Worst mistake I've ever made.

So anyway, the nearly 7 years following that were my fault. She called to find out what was going on in my life, and I had screwed our chances.

[IndiReloaded]

I hear ya. The whole situation just sucks. And I could be mistaken but with the attitude she has towards him lately I doubt with 99.9% certainty that baby making or even practicing for that matter is
taking place.

Well, just so you know that women aren't the only ones who use pregnancy to keep a relationship together. Guys have been known to throw away birth control and all sorts of things. Also, lots of couples in dodgy marriages decide (stupidly) to get pregnant in the hopes it would improve the relationship.

[MaidenMinx]

Ok, if she's reading this, this is strictly for her.

Honey, I don't know where to start. You have gotten your self into quite a mess.
I don't know anything about you, least of all why you married someone that is so capable of making you unhappy since you strongly believe marriage is for life. Surely he made you happy at some point. Have you tried councelling? Have you spoken to anyone associated with your religion about your marital troubles?

Separate yourself from this current distraction, you don't need the confusion. You have been shown how bad your relationship with your husband is, thank him for showing you how happy you can be and that you need time and space. Ignore any attempts at contact until you are no longer confused.

I will agree with OP and say your happiness matters!! I'm not sure what religion you are, but I'm sure you can find someone to agree that your happiness is worth pursuing. It would be fantastic if you can pursue that happiness while keeping your vows intact. If you can't, divorce is not the end of the world. If it is, hell is overflowing. Do work on your relationship with your husband, give it some time. Don't set an amount of time. If you give it your all and he doesn't, well you'll know it's not forever.

Also give yourself some time. You deserve it.

[Blueeyes79]

Ok, if she's reading this, this is strictly for her.

Honey, I don't know where to start. You have gotten your self into quite a mess.
I don't know anything about you, least of all why you married someone that is so capable of making you unhappy since you strongly believe marriage is for life. Surely he made you happy at some point. Have you tried councelling? Have you spoken to anyone associated with your religion about your marital troubles?

Separate yourself from this current distraction, you don't need the confusion. You have been shown how bad your relationship with your husband is, thank him for showing you how happy you can be and that you need time and space. Ignore any attempts at contact until you are no longer confused.

I will agree with OP and say your happiness matters!! I'm not sure what religion you are, but I'm sure you can find someone to agree that your happiness is worth pursuing. It would be fantastic if you can pursue that happiness while keeping your vows intact. If you can't, divorce is not the end of the world. If it is, hell is overflowing. Do work on your relationship with your husband, give it some time. Don't set an amount of time. If you give it your all and he doesn't, well you'll know it's not forever.

Also give yourself some time. You deserve it.

She has thanked me, and she's pretty much been doing as you've described. They've tried a couple counseling sessions, both of which went bad. We've both been trying to limit contact, albeit for two different reasons, one being what you suggested, and the other being that her husband is threatening bodily harm to myself. But try as we might it just seems the forced distance is drawing us closer together. In truth though, I don't think her confusion lies with her leaving her husband for me, even though I admit that I've played some part. I've gathered that it mainly stems from turning on her Catholic beliefs or doing what's healthy and happy for her. Guilt is playing a huge role in this. And as I've tried to explain, guilt or fear are not good reasons to sustain a relationship.

I look at her situation as having red flags, hints, and clues springing up in abundance and that its only a matter of time. But as I and others have heard from, we're all afraid she's not going to have the strength or the will to break away from such a venomous relationship... and its going to cause nothing but a lot of pain and sadness for her.

Also, her husband when she married him, seemed like a good man but as time went on, he just neglected her. For years at a time and for lack of a better description just became complacent, accepting that maybe that's just how marriage is. But as she's starting to realize and trying to absorb as she attempts to make a decision, he's not the kind of man she hoped he was. Different interests, different beliefs, has a serious amount of resentment blaming everything from me to God about everything bad that's happened in his life. All of these things are weighing heavily upon her and the reality of divorce is both new and scary, not to mention its going against her beliefs in addition to the very angry husband factor.

She's scared and torn about possibly having bad judgement about her husband and whether divorce is really what she should do.

I do know this, whether or not she's with me, her staying with him is just bad all around. Its crystal clear.

[Blueeyes79]

I wrote a letter to her today after she had emailed me that read:

" Your counselor's demand is the right thing even though I wish it didn't have to come to that.
It just seems like you've been trying to help him and the marriage out for the past three years
spending so much time and energy.

But I understand, I don't want you feeling bad about yourself.

I'm not gonna lie, it hurts... it hurts so bad thinking that I can't talk to you or see you but
I understand its just something that's really going to bother you. But before I say what I really don't
want to say I just need to tell you this:

I love your kindness, the way you look at me, your beautiful smile, your keen intelligence and how
you pick your words. When i'm around you I feel fantastic and wonderful... inspired. You're fun, thoughtful,
passionate and sexy. You're the kind of dedicated, bright and beautiful woman I've always wanted in my
life. Sharing life with you is a blessing I want to have forever.

But I knew deep down it would come to this. I knew that I could not compete with your marriage to
him for the past five years. Nor did I ever think I could. I do want you all to myself but I will not make
you choose on Friday, nor will I force you to confront your husband on whether or not I stay here.

I love you too much to do that. I don't have the heart to allow you to have to make such a difficult choice.

You mean everything to me, so do not think there will ever be a time that I'm not thinking of you. So with
this, and what is possibly my last letter I'm going to say...

I will always be an email or a phone call away and I will always be here if you need me. Please take care
of yourself and do what you need to do.

I love you and just want you to be happy and happy with yourself, but I will miss you beyond what words
can describe. Please do not worry about me. Just take care of yourself, take
your vitamins and stay your awesome self.

With Love, Sincerely Yours...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"



This is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I just hope she finds the answers she's looking for.

[Mathias]

Oh dear God.