Is this toxic?

[Roses919191]

The bigger question is why did you move in with a guy who was out toying with other women after he said he loves you? Why did you move in with a guy who couldn't be bothered to look you up? Why did you move in with a guy who wouldn't cook with you, or talk with you or eat dinner with you? Why did you believe that he loved you when his actions showed the opposite?

I cut him slack believing that it was mostly my fault. maybe I shouldn't have brought up him not saying "I love you" back after a year and I should've been fine with rolling with it, never discussing future, not being asked to meet his family or even talk on phone (they're overseas) or him never even telling me a thing about them.

I want to know what to say when we finally talk again to let him know I'm not neurotic and I've changed

[Wakeup]

Oh My God!

[Roses919191]

So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me? Bc he never, ever brought up future in any way unless I kept asking, and he hadn't said "I love you" after 14 months, and when I said this bugged me, he said it back and immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. It was confusing bc he would on occasion spend time w my family, Though he never introduced me to his. Really, right from first date he was trying hard to get me into bed & didn't initiate any sort of meaningful convo beyond our career paths. He never ever called, only texted. For our second date, best he could do was invite me over to watch q movie. But it got confusing bc eventually he did let me hang out around his friends, and you know he let me Move into his place too. So why do those things, but also not seem super interested?

[solarion]

So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me?

You've been using each other...he's exactly the guy you wanted. Given that obvious fact, how can you blame him for being who he is?

Really, right from first date he was trying hard to get me into bed & didn't initiate any sort of meaningful convo beyond our career paths. He never ever called, only texted. For our second date, best he could do was invite me over to watch q movie.

Goodness...and he likes sex too?!? Oh man, this guy is a monster. He was superficial and that is what you wanted because you're uncomfortable dealing with emotions.

But it got confusing bc eventually he did let me hang out around his friends, and you know he let me Move into his place too. So why do those things, but also not seem super interested?

It's confusing because you're making it so. "He "let" you hang out around his friends." "He "let" me move into his place too."

But even when it became clear he wasn't that into me and we didn't have a "deep" connection, some part of me wanted to continue with him because I felt almost relieved that I could be with someone good on the surface and didn't have to be "alone," yet I also didn't have to form a true, deep connection or intimacy with a guy, which is a thought that kind of turns me off and makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather worry about whether he's flirting with other girls than spend time with a nice guy who's really trying to connect with me.

What's wrong with me? I actually want the emotionally unavailable man despite the fact that he clearly doesn't treat me "well."

You don't respect yourself and you therefore accept being treated disrespectfully.

[Roses919191]

So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me? Bc he never, ever brought up future in any way unless I kept asking, and he hadn't said "I love you" after 14 months, and when I said this bugged me, he said it back and immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. It was confusing bc he would on occasion spend time w my family, Though he never introduced me to his. Really, right from first date he was trying hard to get me into bed & didn't initiate any sort of meaningful convo beyond our career paths. He never ever called, only texted. For our second date, best he could do was invite me over to watch q movie. But it got confusing bc eventually he did let me hang out around his friends, and you know he let me Move into his place too. So why do those things, but also not seem super interested?

[Roses919191]

I don't understand how he could play along for 2 years, say "I do love you and will marry you someday" after 14 moths only bc I brought up that we didn't seem to be on same page but then immediately after saying it he tried to sneak out w another girl at midnight. So now he just never cares to talk to me ever again? But he looked sad & said e just needs time to process everything- fights about marriage etc- and then we'll talk.

[solarion]

Oft times the questions that we ask tell us more about ourselves than any answer we could receive.

Ask yourself why you'd want to marry someone you seemingly understand so poorly.

[Roses919191]

Because I was drawn to him like a magnet from our first date (hence me being ok with sex on the second date even though all he planned was for me to come over and watch a movie, never called and rarely texted in between dates, and didn't ask any serious questions about me or tell me much about himself). I've always thought he's just very slow and needs lots of time but he has all these other amazing qualities of being such a smart, successful, strong man. I just hated how he dated his ex almost 4 years and in his words, it ended bc she wanted to talk about getting engaged then and he didn't so they fought. (Looking at their old texts, though, the girl said she was very offended that my BF would message
Girls "hey beautiful" behind her back while they were dating, right after they'd sleep together sometimes). When his ex confronted my BF about this, there wasn't apologizing or discussion: he just dumped her on the spot. So with that history I wondered if "it's not me, it's him." But I still just feel he was an incredible guy and when he occasionally said or did nice things they meant the world to me. We haven't talked in 2 weeks but he'd said we will talk after he has space to process our fighting about marriage etc. so what do I say to him???

[dontaskme]

But I still just feel he was an incredible guy

Define "incredible".

[solarion]

"it's not me, it's him."

It's both of you dear. He's a superficial self-absorbed ass and you're an enabling doormat.

We haven't talked in 2 weeks but he'd said we will talk after he has space to process our fighting about marriage etc. so what do I say to him???

Take all the time in the world comes immediately to mind.

[Wakeup]

So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me?

Stop trolling ffs: How many times do you have to be told that that is exactly what we think?

Bc he never, ever brought up future in any way unless I kept asking, and he hadn't said "I love you" after 14 months, and when I said this bugged me, he said it back and immediately tried to sneak out w another girl.

Yea... he's "incredible" all right? *rolls eyes*

It was confusing bc he would on occasion spend time w my family, Though he never introduced me to his.

Yea. You've told us that about 50 effing times now.

Really, right from first date he was trying hard to get me into bed & didn't initiate any sort of meaningful convo beyond our career paths. He never ever called, only texted. For our second date, best he could do was invite me over to watch q movie.

blah, blah, blahkety, blah.

But it got confusing bc eventually he did let me hang out around his friends, and you know he let me Move into his place too. So why do those things, but also not seem super interested?

You are a warm wet place to masturbate into when the urge strikes him.

I'm still waiting for you to come back in and tell us how he disappeared on you or kicked your ass out so that he could move in the wife that his parents have chosen for him.

[Roses919191]

Stop trolling ffs: How many times do you have to be told that that is exactly what we think?

Yea... he's "incredible" all right? *rolls eyes*

Yea. You've told us that about 50 effing times now.

blah, blah, blahkety, blah.

You are a warm wet place to masturbate into when the urge strikes him.

I'm still waiting for you to come back in and tell us how he disappeared on you or kicked your ass out so that he could move in the wife that his parents have chosen for him.

Well, he had me move out, says he needs time to process everything re: all our fighting about marriage (he still claims he's just "not ready" now, when I ask around when in life he will be, he responds he has no idea-- he's never even been willing to give me a vague timeline like getting engaged within a few years. Just says "when I decide I'm ready I'llet you know")

So I moved out and he says he just needs time to process and then we will talk. Looked sad when I left, gave me big hug. Says he's not planning on looking for/dating other people. I think he just has fear of commitment... As evidenced by how he finally said "I love you and want to marry you someday when the time is right" after 14 months of dating bc I told him it was bugging me, BUt then he immediately tried to sneak out with a girl to a bar alone at midnight behind my back. Who does that unless he really loves me but was just afraid of getting serious too soon!

[solarion]

As evidenced by how he finally said "I love you and want to marry you someday when the time is right" after 14 months of dating bc I told him it was bugging me

Fourteen months and you were overtly pestering him? His response was decisive and left you with a very clear choice. Stay or go...you chose option "A" and still you're complaining.

I think he just has fear of commitment...

Think you're onto something. Fear of commitment to losing half of his possessions.

[Roses919191]

Fourteen months and you were overtly pestering him? His response was decisive and left you with a very clear choice. Stay or go...you chose option "A" and still you're complaining.



Think you're onto something. Fear of commitment to losing half of his possessions.

Overtly pestering? I just thought it was a long time for him to never say "I love you," and to not want to talk about future at all. He never even said stuff like "I think I want a big family someday, what about you?" Or "which cities do you think you'd be open to living in someday?" I felt like he was completely in the moment and I hated that I had to bring up any sort of discussion about future, that he couldn't even agree he'd want to get engaged within the next couple of years- when meanwhile I'm making career decisions for those next few years that would involve moving far from him if he didn't plan on engagement "soon" (meaning within next few years, even!)

[solarion]

Overtly pestering? I just thought... <I could mold him into what I think I want(at the moment)>

Correct.

He showed you who he was. He told you he'd act when he felt he was ready...so what are you really complaining about?