How can I avoid oral sex?

[vashti]

Tell him you will go with him to get tested if he is embarrassed to go alone. If you are college students, you can be tested for free or at very low cost in the health office. Be sure you mention the unusual odor to the health care provider, and also that his ex girlfriend was diagnosed with herpes.

Either that, or get rid of him and find a boy who cares more about your health.

[Tiay]

ah, i think my relationship with him is already on the verge of destruction.

about time. I'm sure you had good times with this guy. I'm sure he made you laugh and he made you happy sometimes. But your health is at risk and he is making you feel guilty about trying to protect your own health.

That is what we call a dealbreaker.

i also asked him whether he was tested for other stds or not...and thats when he got angry and was like if u want u can get yourself tested, but i bet u wont find anything coming from me....he was like i am clean, but if u still have doubt maybe we should just stop meeting....i dated you only because i knew that you were not that kind of a person. i think he felt little disgraced or something...

Of course you felt disgraced. This guy is clever. Do you SEE what he did there? You came to him with a legitimate question, and he turns it around on you, making you, once again, feel like you're not good enough for him, and even threatening you with breaking up, if you ever express those "doubts" again.

I guarantee you, he will do this with every legitimate, thought-out and reasonable argument you come at him with- he will always flip it around on you. There is no winning an argument with this guy, he'll always turn it around on you and make you feel disgraced for expressing ANY doubt in him. It's always "I'm disappointed in you. I didn't expect that from you, I thought you were not that type of person, maybe we should stop seeing each other.", etc.

Consequences of sexual acts are the responsibility of both people in the relationship. This means that if there is a legitimate reason to suspect, such as stinky crotch, diseased ex girlfriends, or previously having unprotected sex EVEN if the person was "clean", you can insist he gets tested. It is what I'd call a relationship right.

when i asked him whether he loved his ex truly he said he told her i love u as many times as the sun rose. i dont know why, but i felt terrible when i heard that.

aw, that's very poetic of him. Of course, it is a lie.

And of course you felt terrible. That's his goal! he's manipulating you.

i really dont understand this guy...when we are seeing each other face to face he is so caring....he says how important i am to him...

this is VERY typical of manipulative people. They'll tell you how much they love you and that they'll do anything for you and you're sooo important so forth.. But in practice, they wont act on it. But they'll keep telling you the lie.

but when he gets back home and we talk on the phone or online he kind of sounds too detached.however, he did mention to me once that he has been always a bit detached...he was like that with his ex too.

aw, poor boy, suffering from detachment. Yes, it is another lie. It can very well be true that he is detached. However, if you truly are sooo very important to him as he says, then he would get over it for you, he would tell you to warn him any time he gets detached, so that he can work on not ever being detached with you.

this is not something he has no control over. If he cared, he would get away from his video game now and then to do something nice for you, or when chatting he'd close other stuff on the computer expect the chat.
If someone said to you "I'm mean.. I was mean to my ex, too", you wouldn't sympathize with them! You'd smack them and say well then stop being mean!

about him being a liar, well, when i first met him he told me that he was a pervert and that he dated many girls in his life. but they turned out to be all lies when i observed his behavior..like he is very shy around people, is always at home playing videogame, always depressed. he told me how outgoing he was, but he seemed more of a homely person. he even avoids college parties...goes to church every sunday, etc.

So, you made an obvious observation. His behavior did not match how he described his past behavior. And when you pointed this discrepancy out.. he stopped talking to you???
that was your cue to get out of the relationship. But it's not too late to do that.

Believe me, you wont be able to rationally break up with him. He'll turn it around on you like he always does. There is NO WAY you will be able to do it by talking. You simply have to do it by walking. Even if he runs after you and begs and lies again about how much he cares and how important you are to him and how sorry he is and how much personal stuff he's going through and how unreasonable you're being. You must ignore this for you know it to be false, you know that if he truly cared it wouldn't have come to this, you know that the reason you're walking is precisely because you've realized that those things he's promising you were lies, you must simply keep walking away.

[Junket]

i think he felt little disgraced or something...when i asked him whether he loved his ex truly he said he told her i love u as many times as the sun rose. i dont know why, but i felt terrible when i heard that.

Java.

How old are you?

What are you missing here?

I just woke up, and haven't had my breakfast yet, and I'm beginning to feel sick to my stomach reading that shit?

Do you want to be those silly women who are constantly used and abused?

Are you so desperate for attention that you need to go to this sick manipulative leech to get the fix?

Where are your friends?

Where is your family?

Because I'm sure they wouldn't let you destroy yourself going out with this piece a shit if they knew what was going on.

Tell me 1 good reason to stay in a relationship with this guy.

Then tell me 5 good reasons not to.

[Tiay]

I have to say I don't entirely agree to how giga puts it: "you deserve what you settle for". The word "deserve" is too much, because it implies that you've done something bad and you, well, deserve to suffer for it. I don't think, Java, that you DESERVE to be treated like this. You have done nothing wrong, so to speak, to anyone else; just to yourself. And it it's not something you did intentionally, but it happened anyway.

It might be more fitting to say though, you are going to be treated as badly as you allow yourself to be treated. You are going to be exploited as much as you allow yourself to be exploited.

yeah, giga's is catchier... ^.^

You might be thinking.. "but he loves me", and even if that is not a lie, it does not make it okay. This applies to everything.

When I was a kid, I LOVED cats. I would want to dress them up or lead them around like a dog and stuff like that. Well, one of the cats would not have this and scratched every time. I quickly learned to treat it with respect- I still played with it and gave it treats, but I didn't mess with it. Another cat tolerated everything. Subsequently it got dragged around, dropped from high places, and generally treated in ways it didn't want to be treated. It was treated exactly as badly as it let itself be treated.

Java, please don't be that cat in life.


Do you ever get that feeling.. that you *know* you're right, but no matter how you try you cant seem to explain your point adequately? So you give up because it's not a big deal, and because the other person gets angry about it.

well, what you deserve.. is to be listened to and understood. I say this without even knowing you, because I think everybody fundamentally has this right.

There are guys out there who'd live up to their word, who care about your health, who will eat nothing but pineapple for a week to make sure that his dick tastes nice, who will actually doubt if they are good enough to deserve you instead of making you feel like you're not good enough for them at every turn, who wont play computer games all day when you're there, etc.

this is not some fantasy guy that doesn't exist in reality- this truly is possible. Sure nobody is perfect. But you can do a lot better than this guy.

say, for instance.. one time I had a yeast infection, so my bf couldn't go down on me. After all, I would not make anyone suck a diseased smelly crotch, that's gross. But I was still giving him oral at the time.. and he literally couldn't enjoy himself properly because he couldn't return the favor. I had to convince him that I really didn't mind, and he still felt guilty. (I knew he'd pay me back when I got over the yeast infection, though ^^ )
And this guy.. would have you suck his stinky possibly diseased cock, made up excuses for not returning the favor, AND make you feel bad about merely asking him to make sure he isn't ENDANGERING YOUR HEALTH??????

And no, I'm not putting this in an overly dramatic way. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. Get angry, damnit!

[java303]

well, i broke up with him

[Gigabitch]

I'm glad you did that. I'll bet you never date a guy like that again.

It's time for a good one. You'll like it. Finding a nice boyfriend is like having a birthday every day, you'll see.

[Tiay]

yay for you, java! I'm glad. Whatever you do stay strong and don't let him manipulate you back.

Trust me, soon enough he'll be nothing but a distant memory.

[Junket]

How'd you break up with him?

What was his reaction?

How do you feel?

What have you learned from this?

We're all in your corner, Java.

[Tiay]

How'd you break up with him?

What was his reaction?

How do you feel?

What have you learned from this?

yeah, I'm curious. How do you break up with a manipulator, I must say i'm impressed, you're quick

[DoesntMatter]

Maybe oral sex is not something to be avoided

[Only-virgins]

well, i broke up with him

Good for you. Not because you dropped a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend that smells bad(literally) but because you are now one step closer to finding someone who really deserves you and you can enjoy everything about them.

[Junket]

As I mentioned to Tiay, I don't think she really broke up with him.

[Tiay]

it just seems.. to good to be true, doesn't it?

[java303]

sry people, i was a bit busy with midterm stuff. didnt have time to come online.
well, day before yesterday he wrote me an email which completely broke my heart. he explained there what i mean to him.....he told me how he doesnt love me cuz he doesnt want to love anyone until someone like his ex comes to his life. and then he wrote that when i am with him he feels "great" and all..and thats why he basically says romantic stuff to me. but once he goes back home he throws away all those feelings.
ok if u read all this how would u feel? i felt just used. i couldnt sleep the whole night...in the morning i wrote him an email saying that its better if we go back to becoming each other's friend again. he read it and was like i am not sure if i want to, i love kissing u, seeing u in my arms...its just magic, lets spend some time at a hotel...lets finish it off like that.
the way he told me all this i became too emotional and ended up saying yes. but then i went back to read that email and ended up becoming upset again. so called him and told him straightly that since i loved him and he didnt it would be impossible for me to do any sexual activity with him...then i was like its better for us to be friends again. he was like ok......his reaction was not a good one...he usually doesnt show anger...he is just going to talk to me very little.


but now i want to see him....my anger is at its peak...and if i dont end this with a slap i wont be able to sit at ease.
i am not crying though....i am just wondering why on earth i fell for this loser. i got so many warnings from my friends...they explained to me how i deserved a better guy....yet i didnt listen. instead for him i broke up with the man i was going to marry...he just took advantage of me...and that ex thingy was just an excuse for him to tell me how he doesnt want to love me.
and from his email it seemed like he used his ex and nothing else since he mentioned in it that they started the relationship with sex in mind.
and i am a bit scared....i dont want to lose my reputation...there is a possibility that since i rejected him he will go to his friends and tell them everything we did together. and i really wonder whether his ex having herpes is really a true story! in the email he cursed her by saying she was a sweet little angel but after turning 18 she became a whore, crazy shit of white trash!
as far as i know she is married to someone now. and the girl met this man after dumping him, stayed in the relationship and at the end tied the knot. it tells me that the girl is a faithful one. how on earth such girl can have herpes? before he told me that she got while cheating on him...but in his email he said that she got it after breaking up with him, and that she asked him whether he would take her back with such disease. his stories are all messed up.

[Junket]

his stories are all messed up.

Exactly.

Use this forum to vent. You have every right to be angry. But I would suggest you don't slap him...just throwing that out there in case you were serious about that.