Why can't I be "normal"?

[Indestructible]

Just pay for the date you stupid dickhead ! You talked enought bla bla bla already, now its time for action ! Will you just gona talk about it or DO IT? You will be surprised how many girls will want go on a date with you if you paying.

"Stupid dickhead"? Geez, that's pretty harsh for no good reason. I'm starting to get confused by this topic. I never introduced the idea of paying for dates or any of that into my topic, here. That was someone else. Again, I've never taken any issue with paying for dates or anything like that, and to me, it's something that's just implied if I were to ask out a girl.

My topic is about how I can't comprehend the "normal" way to go about meeting and dating, and thus, I can't apply it to my life. That has nothing to do with who pays for what, or anything like that.

[VincenzoG91]

Indestructible, relationships aren't always easy. There is no point in even trying to start one if you can't be bothered to pick up even basic conversation skills. Otherwise, the first time you have a misunderstanding with a girlfriend (and that will be early on) and you can't hold up your end of the conversation, it's going to be a disaster. So even though you are impatient to be in love with somebody already, you need to crawl before you start walking or running.

So, small talk. This is crucial. You can't just walk up to a woman and ask her out, as you have clearly indicated in this thread. But you can't really do anything except seem creepy and weird if you start talking to a woman without small talk. So what kind of small talk? The weather. It is a safe and neutral topic, and there is always something to say about it. Not a lot, though, so you will need to move on from there. Religion and politics are never small talk, so stay away from that early on.

An especially good small talk topic is entertainment, especially music and movies. But I've got a feeling that you like death metal and comic book movies, and really you're going to be better off sticking to more mainstream fare, like rom-coms, dramas and Oscar bait. Movies are a really good topic, because everybody likes movies, and if a woman is interested in you, she might even hint that she is looking forward to seeing a certain movie. Bam! That's when you ask her out, to that movie that she showed interest in.

But we're getting ahead of things. Another good small talk topic is her. Don't ask her about her bra size or deepest dark secrets, but do try to use more reasonable questions to get her talking about herself. For example, I like your shoes... where did you get them? That's a great one because you are flattering her and inviting her to talk to you more at the same time.

In terms of the big picture, you need to avoid the friendzone like crazy, because if you're not careful, you could get stuck there for years like I did. No, you want to do enough small talk to establish a little comfort and maybe chemistry, and then ask her out as soon as you can. Definitely ask her out before you get too interested in her, because that way you don't have time to get creepy or depressed if she says no. And talk to a wide variety of women, until they become less unfamiliar and confusing and intimidating.

Hell, go to the mall and practice these next few days. With Mother's Day coming up, you need to get her a gift. And in the process, you should talk to as many female sales clerks as possible, asking for advice about a gift. Don't just talk to one particular clerk who looks hot, talk to a wide variety of them, even ones that are totally not your type. It's a great situation to get used to small talk in a low stakes situation.

[Indestructible]

Indestructible, relationships aren't always easy. There is no point in even trying to start one if you can't be bothered to pick up even basic conversation skills. Otherwise, the first time you have a misunderstanding with a girlfriend (and that will be early on) and you can't hold up your end of the conversation, it's going to be a disaster. So even though you are impatient to be in love with somebody already, you need to crawl before you start walking or running.

It's not that I "can't be bothered", I just don't seem to make any improvements in "small talk" and "chitchat". Geez, I've been working in retail for five years now, you'd think I'd have made some progress, considering I have to talk to random people every day. But nope, still aren't so good with small talk or stirring up a conversation. Typically, if I decide I want to date a girl, though, she and I have already had deeper conversations by that point, so I know I can talk to her. Actually, that's one of the little "flags" in my head that I might be attracted to her, if I can comfortably talk and converse with her.

But we're getting ahead of things. Another good small talk topic is her. Don't ask her about her bra size or deepest dark secrets, but do try to use more reasonable questions to get her talking about herself. For example, I like your shoes... where did you get them? That's a great one because you are flattering her and inviting her to talk to you more at the same time.

I suppose that's a good point, although that's kind of drifting into "flirting" territory and that, well... that kinda intimidates me more than just actual conversation. The reason being is, I automatically associate "flirting" with expressing a sexual interest on a very basic level, and I try to stay away from that, because I don't know whether I'm "sexually desirable" (I'd probably lean towards no).

In terms of the big picture, you need to avoid the friendzone like crazy, because if you're not careful, you could get stuck there for years like I did. No, you want to do enough small talk to establish a little comfort and maybe chemistry, and then ask her out as soon as you can. Definitely ask her out before you get too interested in her, because that way you don't have time to get creepy or depressed if she says no. And talk to a wide variety of women, until they become less unfamiliar and confusing and intimidating.

I think I'm okay with the whole "friend zone" thing, because I tend to keep my emotions and feelings internalized. I try to be a bit emotionally distant, and I think that's a good way to avoid falling into the "friend zone". The problem is, though, if I'm even considering asking a girl out, it's already too late, I already like her too much that I'll take it really hard when she says no. Internally, when I like a person (even just as friends), I automatically get too attached emotionally. Even just platonic friends, heck, even just guys I'd like to be friends with, in my mind, I get attached, and then I feel bad when I realize there's nothing actually there on their end.

[VincenzoG91]

You should practice flirting. By that, I mean that you should occasionally drop a slightly flirty remark into an otherwise normal conversation with a woman that you're not even interested in. She will likely take it as a bit of flattery or humor and enjoy it without taking it seriously. And you will know you are getting good at flirting when women suddenly feel the need to drop a heavy-handed reference to a boyfriend or husband into the conversation. Eventually, you will find yourself in a situation with a woman who is single and potentially interested in you, and then that flirting practice will pay off.

[Indestructible]

You should practice flirting. By that, I mean that you should occasionally drop a slightly flirty remark into an otherwise normal conversation with a woman that you're not even interested in. She will likely take it as a bit of flattery or humor and enjoy it without taking it seriously. And you will know you are getting good at flirting when women suddenly feel the need to drop a heavy-handed reference to a boyfriend or husband into the conversation. Eventually, you will find yourself in a situation with a woman who is single and potentially interested in you, and then that flirting practice will pay off.

I mean, I see what you're saying. In my mind, though, even if I were to say something innocent as "You look nice today" or "I like the way you did your hair", I feel like she's automatically going to interpret that as me saying "I'd like to have sex with you", and that bugs me. I know it's probably stupid for me to think that way, but that's just how I feel. I don't want a girl to interpret my words and actions that way, yanno?

[Wakeup]

You should seriously think about telling all this to therapist. Either that or read some David D'Angelo so that you know that a girl thinking you want sex isn't such a bad thing.

[dickriculous]

I mean, I see what you're saying. In my mind, though, even if I were to say something innocent as "You look nice today" or "I like the way you did your hair", I feel like she's automatically going to interpret that as me saying "I'd like to have sex with you", and that bugs me. I know it's probably stupid for me to think that way, but that's just how I feel. I don't want a girl to interpret my words and actions that way, yanno?

So you want women to think you're asexual and kill any chance of one ever wanting to have sex with you or think about you in a sexual way?

[YoungCosmo]

So you want women to think you're asexual and kill any chance of one ever wanting to have sex with you or think about you in a sexual way?

So I take it you would recommend those kinds of compliments?

[dickriculous]

So I take it you would recommend those kinds of compliments?

That's not the point. The point is that if you act asexual then you're going to be treated like you're asexual. And women don't fukk asexuals as far as I'm aware.

Edit: As far as the complements go, my stance is I don't think we should be so paranoid as to think "you look nice today" or "I like your hair" is somehow going to make you or break you.

[Indestructible]

You should seriously think about telling all this to therapist. Either that or read some David D'Angelo so that you know that a girl thinking you want sex isn't such a bad thing.

But when you have zero "sex appeal" like I do (I may even have negative "sex appeal", if that's possible), a girl thinking you want to have sex with her seems like the ultimate way to scare her off.

So you want women to think you're asexual and kill any chance of one ever wanting to have sex with you or think about you in a sexual way?

Well, like I said, I don't believe a girl would ever "want" to have sex with me. I'm more concerned with establishing a more mental/ emotional bond, and hope she can just tolerate having that physical intimacy with me at some point.

I dunno. I don't really understand how I view sex, to be honest. I mean, I'd say I have a fairly normal "libido" but I just can't picture myself being physically intimate with someone at all. I can't visualize it, I just can't really see it. I don't know what that means. I mean, I have lots of urges and curiosities, but like I said, I just can't imagine myself actually being physically intimate with someone.

So, in my mind, I feel I need to tip toe around having or expressing any kind of physical interest in a girl (again, even fairly "innocent" gestures like saying "You look nice today"), because even the most innocent of gestures will basically equate to me saying "I'd like to have sex with you at some point" to her, which would turn her off.

[dickriculous]

Not gonna sugarcoat this bro, you sound like you have a fear of sexuality to the point of delusion. You'll want to do something about that for sure.

Ever thought about buying a prostitute? A lot of people would suggest that as a joke but I'm being serious - in your situation it's probably one of the easier ways to get sex and when you've experienced it you'll realize how silly all of your inhibitions and mental blocks really are - but the key word is "experienced". Words on a screen won't bring you to this realization.

[Indestructible]

Not gonna sugarcoat this bro, you sound like you have a fear of sexuality to the point of delusion. You'll want to do something about that for sure.

"Delusion" how? I'm not sure I follow...?

Ever thought about buying a prostitute? A lot of people would suggest that as a joke but I'm being serious - in your situation it's probably one of the easier ways to get sex and when you've experienced it you'll realize how silly all of your inhibitions and mental blocks really are - but the key word is "experienced". Words on a screen won't bring you to this realization.

Seems pretty... well, "icky". Don't think I'd want to sleep with someone that's slept around that much. Besides, while I don't necessarily care that my first time be "special" or whatever, I don't think that I'd want to throw away my first time (or any other time, really) on a random hookup, either.

[dickriculous]

"Delusion" how? I'm not sure I follow...?

Delusion = a strong, often irrational belief held despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. You are afraid to embrace your sexuality in spite of the fact that anyone who's actually done so knows that it's nothing to be afraid of.

Seems pretty... well, "icky". Don't think I'd want to sleep with someone that's slept around that much. Besides, while I don't necessarily care that my first time be "special" or whatever, I don't think that I'd want to throw away my first time (or any other time, really) on a random hookup, either.

For someone who desperately needs to get some pussy for his own good you sure are being high maintenance, maybe that's part of your problem. Maybe if you learned to take more of your pleasures where you could get them you would have an easier time opening up that side of yourself that would make it easier to embrace your sexuality and thus, easier to attract a mate in the future.

Random hookups aren't "throwing anything away" btw, I have no idea where you came up with that line of thought, probably due to elements of your psyche related to the preceding paragraph.

[pcmaster]

Man it would be normal to think like that ten years ago but you are in mid 20's. So this forum wouldnt help you cause you need proffesionmal help. The problem is much deeper than in surface so better find it and solve it. Counseling will be great to dig deep enought and solve it. You are not average guy or personality, but complex dude who needs understanding. I'll suggest start with social health and earn some friends.

[HeartIsAching]

So, in my mind, I feel I need to tip toe around having or expressing any kind of physical interest in a girl (again, even fairly "innocent" gestures like saying "You look nice today"), because even the most innocent of gestures will basically equate to me saying "I'd like to have sex with you at some point" to her, which would turn her off.

That's a hell of an assumption to make. Why would it turn her off? Hell, maybe she wants to have sex with you too.