In love with a girl who has a BF

[kate_spencer]

Just think if you were her boyfriend..
you don't know that somebody is in love with your girlfriend..
and is planning to take her away from you.. what would you feel?

even if their relationship is not okay.. their still together.. don't be a home wrecker. married or not.. she's still committed to someone.. and you have to respect that.

[tooxshort]

Ahhh ... now I understand your point of view, vashti ...

Up until the time she wears the big white dress ... she and he are free to keep looking for better. He can feel free to f**k the bridesmaid (Godfather) on the wedding morning, why not?. The commitment springs from the wedding vows. For you, commitment is black and white. No ring, no commitment. No steps of commitment in between. No promising to concentrate on trying to make it work. No promising to be faithful unless it doesn't.

Carl.

A lot of people feel that marriage IS that commitment ... and without marriage, they'll always have an outlet to bend/break the rules. You know, if it ain't written in stone, then it isn't a rule to break. Sure, people can commit to be life partners and such ... Marriage is just an extra step that one can choose to partake in or not.

However, there are a lot more negative outcomes that can happen if you cheat in a marriage. If you cheat in a relationship, the stigma isn't as harsh as with a marriage. Someone like me cheating, I'd f*ck up more than my marriage, my reputation would also be at stake. So, marriage adds a lot more weight to all aspects of life: socially, mentally, and emotionally. We look down on adulterers way more than the average cheater.

For me, marriage is awesome. It's not a guarantee that you'll be faithful, but perhaps it can be a reinforcement of sorts?

For the OP, dating a cheater will often result in getting cheated on. I dated a girl for 3.5 years and she ended up cheating on me and dating the guy she cheated on me with. THEN, she ended up cheating on him 3.5 years later. What goes around, comes around and she's been around.

[ThornBird]

Wow, it seems this is turning to a debate. I’m amazed by your many responses but actually I’d be more grateful if you’d try to relate to the subject. It wasn’t my intention to generate a poll about how moral or how unbeneficial is to hit on a girl who has a bf or a husband or whatever. Everybody is free to act as he feels like. It’s a matter of education, social surroundings, conjuncture, age, experience, genetics and so on. If I’ve learned anything valuable in my life until this point is to: never judge somebody else. There are judges and laws who takes care about that. The rest of us are just humans. We all have our flaws and errors, we all made mistakes and be sure we’ll mistake again. Anybody who says different is just plain hypocrite.

So why shouldn’t I hit on a girl who has a relationship or even a marriage? What law denies me that right? That girl is supposed to have her own mind so she should be capable to take her own decisions. If she’s happy and feels accomplished she will say NO. It’s as simple as that. Why should i care about her bf? From what i know he does not care much about her. He is responsible if she's unhappy, not me!I'm sick of beeing the nice guy

And my opinion is that anyone who yells commitment is just insecure, lazy and coward. We bring her flowers, take her out to fancy dinners, buy her jewels, tell her a few times how gorgeous she is … and then what? She’s ours for the rest of her life? We can sit home, drink beer with the guys, forget to bring a present for her birthday, forget to caress her, forget to make her feel special and if she’s by any means unhappy we can just yell some more : commitment ! And top of all … let’s marry her. Yeah … now we can really stuff our bellies, she’s absolutely unavailable, she’s committed to the bone. And this is also available for the opposite sex, accordingly. You seem like experienced people around here. You should know better, love is not forever and it’s not self sustained. So when all the sparks are gone what remains? The Commitment? A bit pathetic and sad, don’t you think?

In my book, if someone cheats or leaves, it means he/she’s unhappy or wants something different and has the guts or the context to do something about it! (I think this is valid for the majority of the regular, normal educated folk). So who is to blame? The cheater/leaver? The pal/gal who “stole” our “beloved one”? No one, it just wasn’t meant to be? Ourselves? Maybe apiece of each.

So please stop laying boundaries and lines. It’s a free world and everybody has the right to choose. Bad or wrong, moral or not it’s our each one right to decide. Let’s not go 200 years or more ago when marriages were arranged, divorce was not an option, birth of a child outside marriage was a capital sin, flirting with a girl outside your social standard was denied and so on. You say commitment? I suggest everybody who agrees to take a journey to Arabia. After a few years there … maybe you’ll have another point of view.

Anyway, I’ve talked too much. There’re just words after all and we can argue forever. There’s no winner and no loser, and no one holds the book of absolute truth. All I know is that right now I have some real feelings for this girl. Maybe a year from now on I won’t, maybe she’s too “committed” and won’t leave her unhappy relationship, maybe she just doesn’t like me so all this is in vain, maybe we’ll get married and have 5 children, who the heck knows? What is worse? Regretting a bad choice or regretting a choice you never took? And I’m not thinking about missed opportunities here, it’s a difference.

[Mish]

So why shouldn’t I hit on a girl who has a relationship or even a marriage? What law denies me that right? That girl is supposed to have her own mind so she should be capable to take her own decisions. If she’s happy and feels accomplished she will say NO. It’s as simple as that. Why should i care about her bf? From what i know he does not care much about her. He is responsible if she's unhappy, not me! I'm sick of beeing the nice guy

There is no law against cheating, but there is also no law against someone farting in your face. There are certain things which shouldn't be done because they are common sense. If you encourage her to do something wrong, that being to cheat on her partner or to leave her current exclusive relationship for you, then you are as guilty as her. If you are truly looking out for her happiness then give her advice on how to resolve issues in that particular relationship. If it's really bad or abusive then encourage her to leave, though to leave not so you can straight away jump her boat but to get away from the abuse. Maybe be single for awhile and find out what her needs are.

So when all the sparks are gone what remains? The Commitment? A bit pathetic and sad, don’t you think?

In that instance yes. For those who are lazy. But what about all the rest? How can you be with someone you do not trust? How can you love a person knowing they have one foot out the door? How can you start a family without commitment? Commitment forms the basis of the relationship, it is the trust that binds two people together. You take away that trust and you no longer have anything. Ironically, this is what you are playing with at the moment.

In my book, if someone cheats or leaves, it means he/she’s unhappy or wants something different and has the guts or the context to do something about it!

Except that there is a huge difference between cheating and leaving when unhappy. Someone who is unhappy should definitely leave. They shouldn't be cheating on their partner if they promised to be exclusive to them. The fact that they break that promise means they are not trustworthy. It means they are opportunistic and will do it again.

What is worse? Regretting a bad choice or regretting a choice you never took?

Regretting a bad choice which was obvious from the very beginning. Only fools learn from mistakes they could see a mile away.

[Junket]

Mish just pwned Thornbird.

[Aeradalia]

Move over Dr. Phil... we have Mish now..

[tooxshort]

Indi, I think this thread is for the UNmarried girl ... the married chick is from a different thread ... it seems there's a flood of cheating hearts lately ... but you're spot on about being selfish.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, lol, my bad. Okay will delete.