Fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly, now he dumped me

[moonshadow1234]

To be honest, I do think it is the reason. As I know him, he is really really really sensitive, although he actually is a real alpha male you know? I mean, he looks so strong, but actually he is soft and really sweet and needs everyone's respect so much in order to feel good. He has learned to be strong the hard way. In the far away past he has been bullied. I think I really really hurt him and I think I made him feel all these bad feelings he has felt a long time ago, and that that is the reason why he can't "commit". Damn I feel so bad, I really wanted to be the person for him that always made him feel good and strong. I wish I could just go back in time and undo this, as I care about him so much, I know he's been through quite some stuff and he is so sensitive and here I go and I have hurt him too. I just want to bear anything and do a thousand things to make him feel good. But I can't do anything. I feel so inadequate and I want to comfort him...

[moonshadow1234]

I always thought myself: the worst think someone could possibly do to you is leave you. That is my worst fear. That is how I work. As long as two people are willing to be together, I can not get hurt that much. I think his biggest fear was being treated in a bad way, like in his past. I should have been more considerate. I do think that what he is fighting right now, are not only demons of my mistakes, but also demons of his past.

[SouthwestGuy]

That very well could be.

Try talking to him about this. Lay everything out to him as you have to us here. Let him know how you feel and how important this conversation is to have.

[Lite]

So, basically you're willing to allow him to take your moronic ass back, when you haven't even taken the time to figure out why you went and fell in love with someone else while dating your boyfriend.

And, don't give me that "it just happened" crap. Because it doesn't just happen. You have to allow that person to steal your emotional energy and focus away from your boyfriend in order for this to happen.

Which leads me to ask. Why did you do it? If the answer is, "I don't know?" Then you're pretty much doomed to **** your boyfriend over again.

Do I think you're a bad person? Not necessarily. Do I think you're actively doing mean and harmful things to your boyfriend? Yes, I do. I think you're being selfish, I think you're looking out for your own wants and needs and not putting his before yours. I think you haven't sorted your shit out, and that you're unwilling to take a deep hard look at why you did what you did, and admit to why.

I'm sorry, I've been there. I've cheated on my wife. I wasn't out to hurt her, but I did it, and it was really shitty of me. I divorced her, moved on with my life. But the reason I did it was because I was ****ing miserable in my relationship even though I loved my wife. I was very miserable, very depressed, and someone showed me that I could be having a lot more fun in my life.

And, you know... You got involved with someone of such low calibur on the side that he was OK with dating someone who was already in a relationship.

I'm sorry, but... You suck, and you obviously don't care that you suck, and aren't doing anything to keep from further ****ing up your life and relationships in the future.

Fixing your serious problems while in a relationship, is generally HUGELY damaging to the relationship. Most relationships cannot, and will not recover from this. And, you're going to have to put up with a lot of shit from your boyfriend, for a very long time. Probably long after you feel you deserve it.

So, you ignoring people who tell you that you're a bad person? You're in denial of what you've done, and you don't want to face the truth of it.

Once you cross the line of cheating, it's never as difficult to cross it again...and again...and again... And soon it's habit.

Do yourself a favor, spend some time figuring your problems out, get some counseling to solve whatever intimacy issue is bothering you, and then see if you can't work things out with your boyfriend. That is, if he isn't off schtupping someone else already...

[SouthwestGuy]

Do I think you're a bad person? Not necessarily. Do I think you're actively doing mean and harmful things to your boyfriend? Yes, I do. I think you're being selfish, I think you're looking out for your own wants and needs and not putting his before yours. I think you haven't sorted your shit out, and that you're unwilling to take a deep hard look at why you did what you did, and admit to why.

I agree 110%

To say that he has hurt you too is really a slap in the face to your boyfriend... again. If he is hurting you by being indifferent about how he feels about you, you need to understand why. If he is blatantly saying mean things to hurt you, again, you have to understand why. I don't think that is the right approach for him, but it may be his defense mechanism. You have to be more understanding and take a step back and allow him to sort things out within himself.

You said he has trust issues because of things that happened in his past. Well, quite honestly, you just brought all those feelings right back to the surface. Being brutally honest, it is your fault he is feeling and acting the way he is.

How you can expect him to forgive you I don't understand. Like I said, he may NEVER be able to forget about what happened. You are both doing yourselves a great disservice by trying to stay together.

[moonshadow1234]

[And, you know... You got involved with someone of such low calibur on the side that he was OK with dating someone who was already in a relationship.]

I appreciate your answers, truly, and it helps me a lot in understanding my boyfriend (he is my boyfriend again, we made up). But you should also read the rest of my answers. I have not been dating him, I have not had an emotional relationship. I had a crush, and he did not know it or did anything. I have tried everything to understand why it happened. I have placed it in the context, and yes I understand how I react. I have weird reactions when 1. I have stress and 2. when I am scared that he will hurt me and 3. When I feel locked up and I need more time for myself.

As wrong as I have been, my defense mechanism told me to seek comfort in flirting, to feel I was still wanted, to feel stronger that if my boyfriend would hurt me, I would not end up alone because there were other guys that I could be with, and to feel freedom. Yes, slap me in the face for this reaction. I have slapped myself in the face a lot of times already. But at least I have the guts to admit how this could have happened. And if you understand what was wrong, you can make sure it will never happen again. I will NEVER seek comfort with someone else when I feel as if I do not have everything under control. I will just give myself in a relationship and be devoted to my boyfriend. I have seen that if I don't, I will just ensure that what I was so afraid of, will happen, i.e. getting hurt. And with good reason too, so afterwards I feel so much guilt that I can not get over it.

I also think another reason (and I admit that my reactions are so weak that I feel a lot of shame, but at least I admit it) is: If he really "has" me completely to himself and I give myself completely, and he rejects me then, my selfesteem will not survive. It happened before in the past, and I have felt insecure for SO many years. I think it scared me so much I just ran away from it. So I just kept breaking free, I did not want him to really "have" me, because I am afraid of feeling so vulnerable. I have to be able to feel so vulnerable and to take the chance of being rejected and being left. I am now feeling much stronger. If he rejects me, I will still know what I am worth. And by acting like I have been acting, I just show how weak I am, and THEN I am not as valuable as I am now.

The problem is above all that I have been weak. Maybe unconsciously, what I was trying to tell him by having a crush is: do not think you can take me for granted, get tired of me and just walk away! Never take me for granted, I am wanted.
I think I had a real stupid weak motive and I will have to fix that and get stronger. And I really am doing that.

I will now give myself completely and stop being afraid. I will treat my boyfriend with a lot more respect. There will be no flirting anymore to seek comfort. I feel so much stronger now. I survived getting hurt one time, so if it happens now, I will survive it again. If I end up getting hurt, at least I will now be able to know that it is his loss and that I did what I could to make him feel happy.

All this plus the context I have said before make me feel I understand why it happened and make me feel secure to ensure him that it will not happen again...



My boyfriend is getting nicer and nicer to me. I am acting really sweet, but if I am not with him, I am not desperately calling him, I just back off. The time spent with him will be quality time. I hope we can rebuild the trust.



Is this what you mean? I hope I am more on the right path now.

[moonshadow1234]

I did not expect him to forgive me just like that. But he asked himself to get back together. He wants to try again and make it work. If you do that, you really have to try. I am not saying: just let go. But you have to be prepared to trust your girlfriend again and at least TRY, otherwise you should let go and you should not get back together. I told him I would give him any time he needed and that if it didn't work, that's ok too. So I did not pressure him. But I think I deserve a second chance. I am not saying he should just shut up and forgive me, I am trying not to be selfish. But if I look at myself, I trust myself that it will not happen again, because I did sort out things for myself. I hope he can see that and become my old boyfriend after a while. I believe I deserve that chance, and he seems to believe that I deserve that too.

Is it selfish that I feel like I deserve a second chance? I do not think so. If I had really had an emotionel relationship, or actually cheated on him, well...then I do not think I would feel like I deserve a second chance and then I do not think I would do all this effort, because I know if I cheat on someone, and really cheat on someone by actions, if I can do that, then I do not love my boyfriend enough and i would just know I would do it again. That is not a general conclusion, but I know that that is what it would be like if it would happen to ME.
Now, however, I am pretty sure that I will not hurt him again. These three months apart from each other made that clear to me too.

[Lite]

Actually, it is selfish of you to feel like you deserve a second chance. Because really, that's something he decides whether you deserve it or not.

[Jason114]

"If he has really loved me, ever, he would at least not play with my emotions right now".


You serious? I hope for his sake he stays away from you and I hope for your sake you wake up and get over yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh whatever, Lite. Leave off. I agree with everything you say but this girl is not going to learn her lesson from us.

Good luck Moon. I hope you have learned to communicate your problems directly instead of ignoring them to your relationship's detriment.

Treat each other well this time. Be happy.

[Thelovedoctor]

Moonshadow, I'll tell you this right now, that if I typed what I truely felt about your situation, the censor function would probably overload.

[misombra]

those are some really long winded posts.

i don't know how you guys had the patience to read all that.

[Yggdrasil]

Really. I do not listen to people who say that intentions do not matter. Intentions do matter. They can not undo any feelings and good intentions can never compensate bad actions.

Yeah, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The TRUST is broken. How the hell do you think that can be restored?

No matter what your intentions were: you screwed up severely and are trying to get away with it by reasoning it away.

That's not how it works. This reversed circular reasoning is going to bite you back in the arse.

Seems like you still haven't learned your lesson.

Well, guess what: life IS a biatch. She'll teach you, the very hard way.

Have fun.

[Raze]

What the hell is your problem? Why would you do this? I think he did the right thing in breaking up with you. I broke up with one of my exes when she told me she fell in love with another man. Best decision I ever made.

By the way, when did this happen? Are you my ex gf by chance? This happened to me recently, no joke. I'm getting kind of freaked out.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds like Cain's ex. Mbe she should search some of his old posts so she can read what he really thinks of her.