The Difference Between Guys and Girls Who Sleep Around

[IndiReloaded]

Maybe its just me, but my taste in movies seems very different from Primo's. I've never seen any of the movies he posts.

Anyway, I see Primo as another young grasshopper with much to learn. Potential. LOL.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SneoghZXpAY&feature=related"]YouTube- Kung Fu Panda - Kung Fu Fighting[/ame]

[Mish]

or maybe most guys haven't found a decent girl to have a long-term relationship with but at the same time, don't want to deprive themselves of sex.

There's a very huge difference between dating and looking for a decent girl and hunting people for sport. One is not the same as the other.

[misombra]

i feel sorry for guys who need to fuk around in order to feel like a hero. a real hero is a man who stands by a strong woman and doesn't mess around on her and lie and cheat and takes care of his children and has a job.

[Sanctuary]

There's a very huge difference between dating and looking for a decent girl and hunting people for sport. One is not the same as the other.

No one's hunting anyone for sport. You have a skewed perception, perhaps from the media, of guys that go through multiple girls.

Just because some guys settle for table scraps and other guys keep looking doesn't make them worse than the guys that are willing to settle.

i feel sorry for guys who need to fuk around in order to feel like a hero.

That guy sounds like an idiot.

[chump4u]

There's a very huge difference between dating and looking for a decent girl and hunting people for sport.

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Thank you Mishanya: I never thought that in those words (puts words in cross-referenced notebook). Permission to quote you, a lot, in future?

[Mish]

No one's hunting anyone for sport. You have a skewed perception, perhaps from the media, of guys that go through multiple girls.

Just because some guys settle for table scraps and other guys keep looking doesn't make them worse than the guys that are willing to settle.

And those are not the guys I am talking about

I am talking about guys who hunt people for sport so they can add notches to their belt

[Mish]

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Thank you Mishanya: I never thought that in those words (puts words in cross-referenced notebook). Permission to quote you, a lot, in future?

Sure. I'm glad you liked it

[Primo]

What you fail to describe, however, are the benefits that result from working on a relationship. Or anything for that matter.

This is why I ask your experience in such matters. I notice you avoid answering, so I will assume its limited.

I don't promote working on things for their own sake, I promote working towards improvement. This is assuming, in the case of a relationship, that we are dealing with two fundamentally good & compatible people. Yes, its important to 'know when to fold', and there are disaster marriages that should have ended before they even started, but that is not the majority (in my opinion, of course). The real problem is the disposable, throwaway mindset of our modern society. Young married couples lack the role models of generations past where partners had to learn to cooperate and work through issues to become better people. Today, I see a lot of selfish people who simply lack the self-discipline and commitment to make it to the stage where they reap the benefits of that hard work. I don't even think this has to be done through marriage necessarily. I know some unmarried partners who are just as committed as the married folk.

Indi, from what I’ve read and the vibe that I get, I don’t think I’m going out on a limb to say that your social network and personal experience probably doesn’t extend far beyond the scope of the white collar corporate world and upscale suburbia. I doubt it ever has or will. I actually like that, it’s comforting, but it’s also all that you know, all that you’ve seen. It’s what your decision making and judgment is based on.

My personal experience is far from limited, it may be as lengthy as yours. I just don’t like to give out intimate details to someone I know only by a screen name. My professional experience runs from one extreme to the other. From exclusive, wealthy individuals to the vilest human beings walking around out there, that I hope you or anyone else never have to come in contact with. I’ve seen and experienced people, society in a unique detail that’s helped shape my perspective and decision making.

So let’s hear what the benefits would be. I can understand wanting to keep the family together when kids are involved, but other than that? To be monogamous? To experience things in life with someone, anyone? To just prove that it can be done? If there’s nothing at stake other than being single, why would someone want to spend the fruitful years of their life trying to cooperate and work through issues just to get by with someone they have no real passion for? What is there to reap from simply being disciplined enough not to leave?

Work is work, true love and passion are easy. There’s exceptions, sometimes a little tweak here or there can make an engine run that otherwise wouldn’t start, but that’s rare. The numbers don’t lie, most couples that are together right now will fail. I don’t think that can be attributed to a throw-away attitude, people weren’t any happier or more in love 50 years ago, they were just more afraid. Anyway, you do have an admirable work ethic Indi, but sometimes a little elbow grease just gets your elbow greasy.

[Aeradalia]

So... based on your philosophy a relationship that needs a little work is doomed anyway? If a good quality relationship requires little work from either involved because everything "falls into place" then where are the examples of this?

You're still chasing soulmates -- a concept that is laughable at best and very sad at worst. There isn't anyone out there who is "perfect" for you. There's just billions of people on this planet with different appearances, personalities, and experiences all following their own philosophies in hopes of finding happiness in one form or another. About the most you can hope for is to come across someone who is compatible enough with you so that you may share in a bit of happiness before your 60 to 90 years runs out (if you're even lucky enough to get that many years).

Do you really want to spend decades looking for your "soulmate" only to find them in the winter of your life? Or never at all?

I'm sorry, but the 'numbers' are against you -- there isn't enough time, too many people, and not enough energy to filter through the world's population to find your 'soulmate.'

[Primo]

Do you really want to spend decades looking for your "soulmate" only to find them in the winter of your life? Or never at all?

I'm sorry, but the 'numbers' are against you -- there isn't enough time, too many people, and not enough energy to filter through the world's population to find your 'soulmate.'

I'm extremely content and not looking for anything. If someone's goal in a partner is to constantly work on the relationship to have companionship, that's their choice. I didn't create the divorce rate and infidelity statistics.

[Primo]

Because you exhibit characteristics of someone I consider lacking integrity (you chose to be a partner in cheating--that means you lack restraint and/or are selfish), you don't understand the value in what I'm suggesting. The fact you are still single just indicates I'm probably right. Your expectations are not congruent with what you can actually offer a partner of the quality you seek.

I’m not sure why you’re harping on that event. I only mentioned it on OV’s thread to give him some feedback for whatever conquest he has on his agenda. The dynamics of my situation were completely different. It’s actually amusing and pretty wild thinking back on it, I should thank him for dusting off the cobwebs of that memory. As morally reprehensible and lacking in integrity that you’ve judged me for it, it still makes me smile.

[IndiReloaded]

The dynamics of my situation were completely different.

Naturally. They would be, for you.

It’s actually amusing and pretty wild thinking back on it, I should thank him for dusting off the cobwebs of that memory. As morally reprehensible and lacking in integrity that you’ve judged me for it, it still makes me smile.

Its not the actual event I think is the problem. Mistakes happen as a part of living life. Its how you continue to justify it as not your responsibility b/c you were single and she was not. If your synthesis had been something else, so would my interpretation. Each to their own path, tho Primo. You subscribe to this philosophy, I believe? Or don't you think you have any lessons to learn yourself anymore?

As for what one learns from commitment, I will have to search for my paths to growth essay sometime. But the lessons I've learned is something I could not have done alone, nor my partner. We constantly challenge and teach each other. We have had ups and downs over the years, but we are pretty content overall. Perhaps that means I *have* found my soulmate by your defintion, tho. Dunno. I just call it a life lived with integrity.

[misombra]

primo, you sound like one of those perpetually single people. i hope you enjoy it as much as you say.

[IndiReloaded]

For those who are interested. I don't think these are new thoughts, so much as reasonably coherently written in a way that (I hope) allows thought. Or not, as you choose. Everyone has their own criteria for 'good relationship' but this is a key part of mine:

Good relationships are less found than they are made. Rosetta stones. And in such a situation, you won't be only discovering/uncovering her, she'll be discovering/uncovering you also if you choose wisely.

That's the paths to growth message I've mentioned before. What Blue meant (I think) by her post about selfless males & ungrateful partners. Someone who isn't equally willing to help you to grow for yourself (or learn how to) won't make a good longterm partner.

What I would 'test' for, if I had to do so, would be for signs of an egocentric personality & rule those ppl out. Which is more than merely finding someone who is apparently giving, BTW. Some of the most egocentric personalities I've worked with are some of the most 'giving' ppl you could ever meet. But its only on a very superficial level & its often misplaced. Wives who martyr themselves for their families, men who 'give in' to their unreasonable partners with no benefit (Blue's example), employees who are willing to take on the hard, dirty work all the time; this type of giving is actually a convoluted form of selfishness (and often masochism). Its hard to detect, but you see it come out when the 'giving' is rejected by the intended recipient (b/c its not what they really wanted) & the Giver gets angry at the rejection. How could the recipient possibly reject such wonderful help/advice/gifts/whatever? They are genuinely confused as to why this happens & its sad b/c often the giver really does mean well, its just misplaced intentions based in selfishness & need. Its actually very difficult for these ppl to understand this about themselves, and it largely has to do with poor messages they received growing up about what it means to truly love someone. I'll tell you, its very hard to retrain these personalities (it can be done, tho, if you have skill & patience) so I'd think it easiest to just know what to look for & avoid these types.

Anyway, true giving is more about providing that which another person actually needs, not what you think they need. For those who have never been in this kind of partnership, the next closest example of this would be a parent's love for their children. True giving for a partner comes from a deep understanding of one's partner & one's own abilities (in other words, you have to actually know what you can & cannot reasonably offer your partner). Ersatz giving, strangely enough, comes from one's own *selfish* need & is not true giving. Be sure to understand the difference b/c its important to a good relationship.

But when you love that person, in addition to being their friend, you help them grow. Help them to become the best person they can be, and in so doing, you grow yourself. And they help you in return. You become with such a partner. And ppl who are friends and become lovers have the best chance of making this happen, IMO, b/c the basic elements of trust, compatibility, respect, common values and goals are already in place.

And by helping them grow, what all exactly is meant?

Well, it will depend on the individuals involved. But I think one of the most powerful areas has to do with learning to _really_ see oneself as you are, strengths and faults, and having a partner who will help you to realize the whats and whys of those. A loving mirror, so to speak. A really good relationship will have partners who are aware enough of themselves, and each other, to be able to help provide such "paths to growth" in those areas. Its similar to "self discovery", except that you do this together, with and for the other, rather than alone.

[tooxshort]

It was just a funny line, wasn't it?