Seeking advice about discovering a past incestual relationship.

[surfhb2]

Im Sorry Lisa but you are so wrong in the way you are thinking.

Ultimately, your only responsibility is to your own well being. You are about to enter into a life long commitment with a man who had (possible has) sex with his sister. Instead of worrying about how this will affect them, isnt it more important to think about how you feel first? You obviously are not comfortable with this discovery.

Yes....you need to talk but instead think about the possibility of what effect this will have on your relationship from this point on.

We date to find the person who best serves OUR NEEDS.....not the other way around. Ive had girls break up with me for various reasons and Ive broke up with girl for mine. Ultimately is about YOU and what this person brings to the table.

Now when marriage is involved, it takes all to a new level. You just need to take a breather and think about this.....I suggest seeing a family counselor on your own to discuss the idea of marriage and what this incident will have 20-30-40 years down the road.

I mean, correct me if Im wrong but this is a very serious, serious problem and its just seems from your responses that youre wiling to disregard this incident as a one time thing between to dumb kids.....IT IS NOT. Please get some outside help (other then this thread of course) before, after and during the time youre discussing this with your BF.

[Wakeup]

And the thing about his sister is that she is no push over. If she feels she been "Wronged" in some way, she doesn't hold back. She is more the type of person who would stop speaking to her brother if she felt he took advantage of her,

you do realize she was totally underage and impressionable when this first happened and that its entirely likely that she's been brainwashed into thinking there is nothing wrong with what they did or what they still could be doing.

If you don't think there is anything wrong with what happened, then please tell your own parents what you found so that they can guide you appropriately because you apparently aren't capable of realizing all the ramifications of what took place, what it can have done to their psyches, how what happened can indeed effect your relationship with him (and your children even if you have them). You need guidance from those you love and trust.

Lisa, how old are you? (serious question).

[bcgirl]

Be glad you found these pics now. You don't have to approach this discussion with him with accusations but just merely have a sit down with him and tell him you had found those pics and found it to be disturbing (the truth). If he os normal He would understand and know why u would be upset. You are about to enter marriage. If you can't have a good communication with your boyfriend...Do NOT enter into marriage. communication is the most important thing in a marriage. As for wishing you never found them in the first place would be like a wife wishing she never found her hubby dressing up in women's clothing or hubby's email love affairs etc. that would mean living in a relationship that is not reality. This issue involves you too since you are the fiancé and will soon be part of the family! I'm thinking you don't want to bring this up to your bf because it may upset him, it may embarrass him to know that you know his dark secret... Forget about him and think about how it affects YOU. It is your life. And if you are going to choose to marry this man, there needs to be some questions answered to bring you some closure. Having sex with your own sis or bro isn't the same as a kiss. I think you are trying to justify it as nothing because you so badly want to believe it to be nothing.... Well the fact is there is proof of incest. I think you need to get that in your head what the meaning of incest is. And although they were younger when this happened (they weren't that young) plus the main important part where you don't seem to understand is the psychological impact such things like this has on the psyche. So what that the sis is outspoken? Look at Aileen Warnos the female serial killer... She had a very big mouth and sure was outspoken. She also was having sex with her brother at age 12.

[michelle23]

be careful OP. secrets this big can cause people to do horrible things when the truth comes out. make sure you are safe if your going to talk to him. put your safety, sanity and happieness first.

men have killed there gfs/mistresses out of pure desperation to cover up secrets so please proceed with caution.

[basilandthyme]

OK, if you're not a troll......then you are dating a man who is in possession of child pornography. This is a felony which results in jail time and being put on a sex offenders register. As you know he possesses it and you have done nothing about it, you should be equally culpable.

The only answer here is to take your findings to the police and let them sort it out.

[basilandthyme]

You were'nt called a troll because "we can't make sense of it."

Actually I called her a troll because I couldn't make sense of it. I still believe in the addage 'if it doesn't make sense, then it's probably not true'.

At any rate, if it is true, I find it appalling that she's seeing a man who is in possession of child pornography and she hasn't reported it. Heaven help the next child the original perp meets. And yes, the original perp could well be her boyfriend. Imagine him being a father! Doesn't bear thinking about.

[LisaW]

Be glad you found these pics now. You don't have to approach this discussion with him with accusations but just merely have a sit down with him and tell him you had found those pics and found it to be disturbing (the truth). If he os normal He would understand and know why u would be upset. You are about to enter marriage. If you can't have a good communication with your boyfriend...Do NOT enter into marriage. communication is the most important thing in a marriage. As for wishing you never found them in the first place would be like a wife wishing she never found her hubby dressing up in women's clothing or hubby's email love affairs etc. that would mean living in a relationship that is not reality. This issue involves you too since you are the fiancé and will soon be part of the family! I'm thinking you don't want to bring this up to your bf because it may upset him, it may embarrass him to know that you know his dark secret... Forget about him and think about how it affects YOU. It is your life. And if you are going to choose to marry this man, there needs to be some questions answered to bring you some closure. Having sex with your own sis or bro isn't the same as a kiss. I think you are trying to justify it as nothing because you so badly want to believe it to be nothing.... Well the fact is there is proof of incest. I think you need to get that in your head what the meaning of incest is. And although they were younger when this happened (they weren't that young) plus the main important part where you don't seem to understand is the psychological impact such things like this has on the psyche. So what that the sis is outspoken? Look at Aileen Warnos the female serial killer... She had a very big mouth and sure was outspoken. She also was having sex with her brother at age 12.

My boyfriend will be back home a the end of week and we shall talk then.

Yesterday his sister stopped by and we had lunch together. I did not bring up the subject with her. As we were talking she showed me the birthday card she just bought for my boyfriends upcoming birthday, and she said she wanted to surprise him the day before by blind folding him and taking him out to dinner somewhere, and then blind fold him again and take him to the movies. It would be just a few friends. She talked about her boyfriend and said one reason she like him was because he was a fun guy like her brother.

People here have given a wide range of advice, suggesting I should immediately dump him and call the police, because its their perception that he has been serial sexual child rapist since the age of 13. I am not naive unable to perceive things in the boarder scope, yet its far too extreme for me to assume what anyone does at 12-13 should be instantly applied to their life 10 years later, and the police should arrest him charging him with incest for something that happened a decade ago. Kids do mess around sexually at the age of 12-13, and if a brother and sister do it, they surely don't tell their friends and family about it after the fact. I am going to talk with him about it, and I will do it without accusing him of being serial child rapist nor assume he's responsible for every missing kid since he turned 13. There is nothing to suggest he is interested in molesting children or raping woman. Its like assuming that a 13 year old who take steals something from a store will become a career criminal by 24.

I probably wouldn't feel the need to defend him if the assumptions that he is pure evil weren't implied by several. Perfect he is not, but not stereotype of someone who spends his days\night doing bad things to others, and then successfully covers it without anyone else ever find out.

[searock]

Yesterday his sister stopped by and we had lunch together. I did not bring up the subject with her. As we were talking she showed me the birthday card she just bought for my boyfriends upcoming birthday, and she said she wanted to surprise him the day before by blind folding him and taking him out to dinner somewhere, and then blind fold him again and take him to the movies. It would be just a few friends. She talked about her boyfriend and said one reason she like him was because he was a fun guy like her brother.

I think the way she sees her brother is unhealthy, it seems like she has feelings for him that are not normal sister-brother feelings.

Do let us know how the talk with your boyfriend goes.

[michelle23]

Best of luck talking to him. Let us know how it goes.

[bcgirl]

People here have given a wide range of advice, suggesting I should immediately dump him and call the police, because its their perception that he has been serial sexual child rapist since the age of 13. I am not naive unable to perceive things in the boarder scope, yet its far too extreme for me to assume what anyone does at 12-13 should be instantly applied to their life 10 years later, and the police should arrest him charging him with incest for something that happened a decade ago. Kids do mess around sexually at the age of 12-13, and if a brother and sister do it, they surely don't tell their friends and family about it after the fact. I am going to talk with him about it, and I will do it without accusing him of being serial child rapist nor assume he's responsible for every missing kid since he turned 13. There is nothing to suggest he is interested in molesting children or raping woman. Its like assuming that a 13 year old who take steals something from a store will become a career criminal by 24.

No one is saying that he is in deed a pedophile or rapist. What I'm implying is that what happens in your childhood can have enormous underlying psychological effects later on in life. Especially something like sexting up your sis. If your bf was normal, the knowledge that he will hold forever about having sex with his own sis would surely cause huge disturbing psychological impact. This isn't rocket science but the way human nature is. It is also natural for a loved one to be in denial and to hope for the best even ignoring your gut to shield yourself from Hurt or reality. Love is blind. What we are trying to give you is an unbiased advice. You've known your bf for 3 yrs, he never mentioned this to you. You think you know him but its obvious that you don't know everything about him. Sometimes ppl can put on a great mask, even to the ones closest to them

[LisaW]

be careful OP. secrets this big can cause people to do horrible things when the truth comes out. make sure you are safe if your going to talk to him. put your safety, sanity and happieness first.

men have killed there gfs/mistresses out of pure desperation to cover up secrets so please proceed with caution.

Thanks Michelle, You clearly have a good heart, and I appreciated your concern and advice. I am miffed that I had to find out about it this way, and without a doubt he has a lot to explain. This is really an issue between him and his sister, and I want to stay out of it. I am hoping they resolved all issues years ago, and never told anyone because they considered it to be a private matter between the two of them.

[LisaW]

No one is saying that he is in deed a pedophile or rapist. What I'm implying is that what happens in your childhood can have enormous underlying psychological effects later on in life. Especially something like sexting up your sis. If your bf was normal, the knowledge that he will hold forever about having sex with his own sis would surely cause huge disturbing psychological impact. This isn't rocket science but the way human nature is. It is also natural for a loved one to be in denial and to hope for the best even ignoring your gut to shield yourself from Hurt or reality. Love is blind. What we are trying to give you is an unbiased advice. You've known your bf for 3 yrs, he never mentioned this to you. You think you know him but its obvious that you don't know everything about him. Sometimes ppl can put on a great mask, even to the ones closest to them

Its true, I'm probably hoping for the best and being a bit defensive from some of unconstructive comments post by others. I can understand people people skeptical, but calling calling me, or anyone, a troll is saying "You'r lying". Calling anyone a liar, even indirectly, is offensive, not something that can be blown off as "understandable". Its not like saying something reasonable like "You're love blind" which is a fair outsider perspective\opinion. Someone who did not want to get involved informed me privately that I can put those people on the ignore list, which I did. Great adivce.

[Wakeup]

Its true, I'm probably hoping for the best and being a bit defensive from some of unconstructive comments post by others. I can understand people people skeptical, but calling calling me, or anyone, a troll is saying "You'r lying". Calling anyone a liar, even indirectly, is offensive, not something that can be blown off as "understandable". Its not like saying something reasonable like "You're love blind" which is a fair outsider perspective\opinion. Someone who did not want to get involved informed me privately that I can put those people on the ignore list, which I did. Great adivce.

i find it rather odd and disturbing that you're more offended about being perceived as lying then you are about your bf and his sisters apparent unhealthy attachement to one another

[LisaW]

I think the way she sees her brother is unhealthy, it seems like she has feelings for him that are not normal sister-brother feelings.

Do let us know how the talk with your boyfriend goes.

They do have an unusually close relationship, something I have not seen before between brother and sister. I never really thought much about it until recently. Just more like they were best friends that had a lot common, such as sense of humor and and shared interests. It just always seemed like they enjoyed each other company and had a good time together. Just to be clear, its not like they spend a lot of alone time together, it nearly always with friends and family, at least as long as I've known my boyfriend.

[Wakeup]

Just to be clear, its not like they spend a lot of alone time together,

No.. just a whole month travelling Europe together... that's all. O.o

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.