How much contact should be kept during "a break"

[Exeter19]

are you doing 2 weeks or less than that? stop taking his calls, texts, no contact. he'd only break up if insecure.

[anonymous_a]

I was planning to do a week, but even then, we work together this weekend, so we won't be able to go with absolutely no contact. My mom's also going to Vegas on Thursday so I have to stay here anyways. He starts school in 2 weeks as well, so I'm hoping to be home by then, permitting I feel better about things. Who knows? We may just end up breaking up. Whether that will be permanent or not, I don't know. Just going with the flow at this point.

[michelle23]

Anon how would you feel if he text you now and said "I cant deal with this, your indecisiveness is driving me crazy so its best if we just end things now". If he becomes the dumper and you the dumpee, I guarantee you will feel devastated.

I think what you are doing is unproductive and its not going to help this situation. It will just make it worse. Hes hurting bad right now and its cruel to leave him hanging. You need to make up your mind now hun. It is really unfair and you WILL lose him if you keep this up

I dont think "going with the flow" is a good idea. It may be fine for you but hes probably stressed off his head and anxious, restless, frustrated and hurt bad. You are pushing him away and its only a matter of time before he says enough is enough and is gone.

Plus if he decides to come to a forum like this one to ask for advice-people will tell him "make the decision for her and end this"

[horndog]

Op, there is nothing wrong with taking it slow and going with the flow. If you need time to decide if its right for you then you need to take as long as it takes to make that decision. Of course, you cant expect him to wait forever and the longer you take the more risk of losing him altogether. The bottom line is its more "unfair" to get back with him when you are unsure of the relationship than it is "unfair" to take a break and leave him hanging until you decide.

[anonymous_a]

I agree more with horndog than anything. And everyone keeps saying how selfish I'm being, but what about him? If roles were reversed I would want to do everything I could to make the relationship work, including giving him the space he asked for.

Michelle, if he dumps me, of course I would be devastated because I love him, but that would be his decision, and that's up to him to make. I believe what's meant to happen will happen. We found our way back to each other after years of being apart. I have no doubt that if we separate, and we are meant to be together, we will end up back together. I realize I have to make a decision, but i can't... I've only been gone 2 days fvck. He hasn't given me ANY time!!

I am taking this week to figure out what I am going to. All I can do is hope his love is string enough to wait for me.

[Wakeup]

Op, there is nothing wrong with taking it slow and going with the flow. If you need time to decide if its right for you then you need to take as long as it takes to make that decision. Of course, you cant expect him to wait forever and the longer you take the more risk of losing him altogether. The bottom line is its more "unfair" to get back with him when you are unsure of the relationship than it is "unfair" to take a break and leave him hanging until you decide.

If it was your boyfriend posting here, Anon I'd tell him to dump you and never look back. You are just afraid to be without him at the moment I think. But what horndog is saying is of course the only thing you should do. It's your life and who are we to tell you what to do.

All I know is that you've been living with him for a VERY short time and already you're leaving him because you need space, you've been flirting with an emotional affair and you're not wanting a long distance relationship. The writing appears to be on the wall.

You agree with horndog more than anything because it's exactly what you want to hear. It doesn't make it the best synopsis of your current situation though. It just makes you feel less stressful and perpetuates your being able to do nothing... remain in the statu quo if you will.

You have no doubt "if you separate and you are meant to be together you will end up back together?" Why not just bite the bullet and go have single fun while you're at uni then? Let the guy out of limbo, allow him to grow (or not)?

[Wakeup]

The point is giving myself time to clear my head and give myself a chance to miss him (LIKE I'VE SAID ALREADY!!!) The point is to make sure BEFORE I break up with him, that if I DO decide to break up with him, I won't regret it.

How convenient for YOU.

And yes, I am aware that this is selfish of me,

Yet you do it anyway.

but he is being understanding and patient

yes because you're the one in this relationship that cares the least so you hold all the power. The irony of it all is the more he is patient with you and the longer he lets you have all the power, the less and less you will find him attractive. As he shows you that he iISN'T the alpha male, the more you will find that you can do without him. Quite the paradox.

therefore, I will do what I need to do.

yes, it's certainly all about you.

Thanks, I know it's not fair to him,

SMH.

Now, I'll not flog this point of view anymore but if you do come and continue to justify while quoting what I said, I'll be happy to respond again.

Nothing against you personally, anon. I like you as a poster but I don't agree with what you're doing here. Your bf isn't strong enough to leave you... that in itself means he's really not the guy for you. He's not the one that will keep you on the straight and narrow. IMO you need someone a little more confident, someone who would tell you to go and don't come back if your so effing undecided. If you had someone like that, you'd never consider doing what your doing or thinking about self like you have been.

[anonymous_a]

You can keep repeating yourself over and over, that I'm selfish and only thinking abouy myself, blah blah, but in all honesty, I am trying to think about this relationship as well. If I wanted to END IT, then I would have! If I thought that this relationship could survive without taking a break, then I wouldn't be here right now. We tried talking it out and staying in the same apartment, and we kept getting into fights. THAT would have been WORSE for the relationship than what I'm doing now!! Fighting every day and causing us to resent eachother, would have been MUCH worse than me trying to take some time to clear my head! Maybe you're right, he's not strong enough to leave me, but I don't see that as a flaw, and I don't see that as a reason to let go either. If I had someone who said "if you go, don't come back" then I would be in the exact same situation I am now, but officially single. I DON'T want to be single! I don't want to go looking for anyone else! I just want to get back to where him and I were before this nightmare started.

And the reason that I'm not going to just bite the bullet, is because we have worked too hard to build the life we have and I'm NOT going to just throw it away if I'm having doubts!!

[Wakeup]

THAT would have been WORSE for the relationship than what I'm doing now!!

That's where you're wrong. communication is what reconciles unbalance. The problem is, YOU don't know how to communicate to him without arguing. You'd have both been better to stay together to try and work this out through communication then you ever would by leaving and going little to no contact. You'd do better to take a few Art of Communication classes TOGETHER and then making it VERY clear to him that if he doesn't get his shit together, it will end up being the end of you two as a romantic couple.

That's right you "don't see" anything... and you refuse to consider anything other then what you're doing is the best for the two of you, well sub-concsiously, most women don't want a man that lays down and waits for the woman to make the decisions. (I think Most women don't want to make love to someone they've been treating like a son, who they have to micro-manage or shit doesn't get done.) This is why you're checking out. Now, you just need the gurl balls to let him go. If he really wants to grow up, he will but he won't while you care-take him through his life, feel out of control when he won't do what you sub-concsiously want, won't be the MAN you want him to be. Well, Stop enabling him to be who he is and give him the opportunity to grow instead of allowing him to be who you currently are not happy with). That means leaving him and allowing him the opportunity to change on his own.

[anonymous_a]

That's where you're wrong. communication is what reconciles unbalance. The problem is, YOU don't know how to communicate to him without arguing. You'd have both been better to stay together to try and work this out through communication then you ever would by leaving and going little to no contact. You'd do better to take a few Art of Communication classes TOGETHER .

We have always had great communication in our relationship, these "fights" were not communicating! They were him pushing me for answers and decisions that I was not prepared to make, and then getting mad at me for not having answers for him! It was NOT me initiating the fights, so don't assume that! Trust me, I don't need to take any damn communication classes.

and then making it VERY clear to him that if he doesn't get his shit together, it will end up being the end of you two as a romantic couple.

I've tried this, he said it's not fair for me to be in the relationship and then break up with him later because he failed school or couldn't find a job :S <-- makes no sense to me at all! (even though I HAVE thought of this, trust me.

That's right you "don't see" anything... and you refuse to consider anything other then what you're doing is the best for the two of you, well sub-concsiously, most women don't want a man that lays down and waits for the woman to make the decisions. (I think Most women don't want to make love to someone they've been treating like a son, who they have to micro-manage or shit doesn't get done.) This is why you're checking out. Now, you just need the gurl balls to let him go. If he really wants to grow up, he will but he won't while you care-take him through his life, feel out of control when he won't do what you sub-concsiously want, won't be the MAN you want him to be. Well, Stop enabling him to be who he is and give him the opportunity to grow instead of allowing him to be who you currently are not happy with). That means leaving him and allowing him the opportunity to change on his own

I want all of this for him. I want him to start acting like a responsible adult, I want him to grow, and I want him to change.. but I don't want to be without him while he is doing it... I love him, and I want nothing more than to be with him...

[Wakeup]

I want all of this for him. I want him to start acting like a responsible adult, I want him to grow, and I want him to change.. but I don't want to be without him while he is doing it... I love him, and I want nothing more than to be with him...

All about you again, anon. It's like talking to a wall, talking to you. You have tunnel vision, you have a manipulative goal in mind so I'll not keep harping on it other then to say you enable him to be the man he is.

I hope that he finds that room mate and grows up. Sorry, but he needs to be away from you (permanently) in order to grow. I think that breaking up and the two of you sowing somemore wild oats while at Uni would be the best thing for both of you. Trying to maintain a long distance union that is already half in the bag is just wishful thinking.

You'll do what you're intent on doing though so no sense going on about it.

[anonymous_a]

All about you again, anon. It's like talking to a wall, talking to you. You have tunnel vision, you have a manipulative goal in mind so I'll not keep harping on it other then to say you enable him to be the man he is.

I hope that he finds that room mate and grows up. Sorry, but he needs to be away from you (permanently) in order to grow. I think that breaking up and the two of you sowing somemore wild oats while at Uni would be the best thing for both of you. Trying to maintain a long distance union that is already half in the bag is just wishful thinking.

You'll do what you're intent on doing though so no sense going on about it.

I have no intention of doing a long distance relationship. Even if we break up, I'm not leaving for uni for another year, because I'm paying off debts and saving money right now. How am I making it all about me, when I want nothing but good for him. I want him to grow and change, how is that being selfish? Because I want to be with him? Of course I want to be with him! Our relationship was amazing when it was good, and I LOVED our life together! Why wouldn't I want to be with him while he makes progress? The issue at hand (from what seems to be your p.o.v) is whether or not he can grow and change with me continuing to enable his behavior..... Which I'm assuming, you don't think he can do.

[VincenzoG91]

So when is this break actually going to start?

[Wakeup]

If you understand what "enabling" means then its easy to understand what I'm saying about you enabling him NOT to have to grow while you micro-manage everything, while you try to care-take him into submission. When he HAS to grow up because there is no one for him to rely on but himself, that is when he will grow.

You're like the spouse of an alcoholic who nags her husband to quit drinking while she mothers him, looks after paying the bills, raises the kids on her own, complains everyday about his faults, tells him she's leaving him if he doesn't quit, but never does. All that is enabling the alcoholic to continue to be who they are. He won't likely make progress while you're by his side... he will continue to rely on you and your caretaking.

If he gets his shit together while you aren't with him, well then consider a reconciliation when HE'S fixed whats made you leave him. Its been proven time and time again that anyone who does things that they don't feel any negative consequences for WILL NOT change their self-destructive ways. If you let a kid keep hitting other children without putting him on the naughty chair for his anti-social behaviour, then chances are high that he will grow up thinking that anti-social behaviour is the shitz as it becomes the norm for him. If I remember correctly he has a criminal record and has a HUGE fine to pay before it can be expunged... Seems he's been enabled for quite a while, even before you arrived on the scene.



Your relationship was "amazing" for a very short while. In that short while, you had an emotional affair. He's gone all irresponsible little boy on you now so WAS is the key word. It's not amazing now or you'd still be enjoying it by his side. Many would argue that the emotional affair wouldn't have even taken place at all if you were as solid as you think you are and the union was as "amazing" as you make it out to be.

Anyway, luv... we all have to figure things out for ourselves, that's how we learn life lessons. I do wish you happiness whether with or without him.

[anonymous_a]

Ever since I woke up this morning I have had the urge to call up my bf and tell him I want to come home. I know you will all shake your heads and roll your eyes, but what does this mean? Now that he has finally started giving me my space (he hasn't contacted me at all today) I am starting to feel the urge to go home. I feel like I have gotten to the root of why I have been feeling this way, and how that I have, maybe we can work through it. I know I am all over the freaking map but it's just as confusing to me, as it is to you, trust me.

I've been reading up on a few things like "losing the spark in your relationship" and reading many articles about relationship anxiety, and it's all making a lot of sense to me. Sometimes the spark can die if you are holding on to any resentment. Maybe I have been resenting him for not being able to hold a job, and not being able to complete school? Maybe I feel like he is holding me back? But even with these feelings, I still want to be with him. Do you think it's possible for us to grow and change while still being together? For him to start acting like a responsible adult? For me to find something meaningful to do with my time, so I don't feel like I am stuck in limbo? Should I give myself more time, like another day or two? To see if I still have the urge to go home? I have been reading articles by Sheryl Paul, and she is smart and has so many amazing insights, I feel like if we can both work on ourselves at the same time, maybe we can successfully save our relationship?

I'm sorry, I feel like a nuisance, but I am just trying to figure things out without making the biggest mistake of my life.