Seeking advice about discovering a past incestual relationship.

[basilandthyme]

No one is saying that he is in deed a pedophile or rapist.

I'm not saying that he's a pedophile or rapist. But I AM saying that he's in possession of child pornography and has been for sometime. Him owning child porn is the only fact which we know.

If they were naked photos of himself - to be used for sexting another teen - I'd be far more forgiving. But they aren't. He has child porn photos of another person.

[searock]

They do have an unusually close relationship, something I have not seen before between brother and sister. I never really thought much about it until recently. Just more like they were best friends that had a lot common, such as sense of humor and and shared interests. It just always seemed like they enjoyed each other company and had a good time together. Just to be clear, its not like they spend a lot of alone time together, it nearly always with friends and family, at least as long as I've known my boyfriend.

What you are describing here^^^ is not an unusual relationship between brother and sister. What is unusual is, for example, that the reason she likes her own boyfriend so much is that he reminds her of her brother, or the blindfolding part (it seems like they share lots of physical contact). Apart from the fact that they had sex with each other when they were tweens, of course.

[michelle23]

I wouldnt see that as a red flag tbh in nomal siblings who havnt had a sexual relationship.

Many people look up to their brother/sister and go for someone with similar qualities. Its like a woman marrying someone like her dad or a man marrying someone like their mother.

Its not a big deal. The big deal is the fact that they had a sexual relationship. And its even worse that they filmed it and he kept it all this time..

They committed 3crimes first of all and both prob have psychological issues that will affect them on some level for the rest of their lives. Especially once they realize someone knows their dirty little secret. If they habe supressed the memory-it will **** them both up big time when the truth comes out.

[surfhb2]

The criminal aspect has no bearing on anything here and can tell there's not a court on the US that would touch this case

The issue is that he ****ed his sister......I worry about Lisas self esteem at this point. It boggles the mind you would even consider carrying on the relationship. No offense, I'm just trying to make you realize the scope of the situation here.

I mean really... What's to discuss with this guy? You have your proof

[Wakeup]

Yes.. she doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with it and that its all in the past. That makes me wonder if she herself was somehow abused as a young person and now thinks its just the norm?

I can't even fathom anyone who would be so blaise about something that can have so many negative connotations to her own future with this man. I wonder, is this an arranged relationship and she has no say in leaving him?

[surfhb2]

Just thought of marrying and living with a guy for 40+ years know he banged his sister.....very odd situation

[michelle23]

I know the legal aspects are irrelevant. Im just pointing out that this is somrthing that would shock the country because of the heinous nature of those crimes. Incest, filming child porn, possession of child porn.

They would both be put into a psychiatric facility. WU and surf i think you have been put in ignore so she prob cant read your posts.

Its a very messy situation. The chances of these two being forced to do what they did is highly unlikely since he had evidence of it on his labtop.

I would be running for the hills and im sure lisa will too at some point. Shes prob still in denial or shock. Maybe she needs to have the conversation before it sinks in and she walks away.

[Wakeup]

Just thought of marrying and living with a guy for 40+ years know he banged his sister.....very odd situation

I agree. I think most people wouldn't be able to just live with that and delegate it to the past as if it never happened. Op's gut is telling her something or this thread wouldn't exist. Why, when her gut feeling is verified, does she defend and justify? Tha is what I find to be very odd as well.

[michelle23]

I think lisa prob ferls as if people will say something like "is she that naive that she really didnt no" just judging by how defensive she is. Shes terrified people will judge her so cut her a bit of slack. Shes confused, hurt, and shocked and her denial is a defence mechanism coz she cant cope with this right now. I think people react similarily at first when they find out their partner has had an affair. They block it out at first to protect themselves from all the crazy emotions

[bcgirl]

It's human nature for ppl to seek validation for why they should continue being with someone even though on a instinctual level, they know something isn't right. The fact that Lisa took the time to write a forum, join this account and make a post and keep coming back shows that she knows that a brother/sister sexual relationship is wrong. The fact that she hasn't told friends and family also confirms that she knows others would think this was wrong thus not supporting the reasoning going ahead and marrying him. She comes to an annonomous forum and asks "how common is a brother/sister sexual relationship". She knows its not normal, and other annonomoys posters are telling her this is not normal with nothing to lose if they were to admit to having such sexual relations if it was true on a forum as this. It's the same as a battered wife making excuses as to why she got beaten or a wife that finds out her hubby is cheating but blames something else because she doesn't want to leave him. So if other ppl are validating the fact that its not totally abnormal for incest between bro/sis (even one person) she can have that sort of validity that her decision in marrying this man isn't so bad.

[LisaW]

It's human nature for ppl to seek validation for why they should continue being with someone even though on a instinctual level, they know something isn't right. The fact that Lisa took the time to write a forum, join this account and make a post and keep coming back shows that she knows that a brother/sister sexual relationship is wrong. The fact that she hasn't told friends and family also confirms that she knows others would think this was wrong thus not supporting the reasoning going ahead and marrying him. She comes to an annonomous forum and asks "how common is a brother/sister sexual relationship". She knows its not normal, and other annonomoys posters are telling her this is not normal with nothing to lose if they were to admit to having such sexual relations if it was true on a forum as this. It's the same as a battered wife making excuses as to why she got beaten or a wife that finds out her hubby is cheating but blames something else because she doesn't want to leave him. So if other ppl are validating the fact that its not totally abnormal for incest between bro/sis (even one person) she can have that sort of validity that her decision in marrying this man isn't so bad.

Actually privately, I have gotten a few messages saying they experimented with consensual sex with a sibling. For obvious reasons, they don't want to talk about it publicly, and I now understand why. It was something that happened as kids, it ended, and they moved on. There is no reason for them to talk about publicly when 1) they will be accused of being a sexual criminal for the rest of their life or 2) a rape victim that's need serious mental help. And most likely accused of being a troll by a few others. If the pictures\video had not been his sister, but a girl friend, I suspect a few would still think he has grown up to be sexual criminal stalking young girls late at night, but I think most level headed people would see it as a mutual mistake made by him and his girlfriend. If it had been a girlfriend, I suspect he would have told me about it, but since it was his sister, maybe they mutually agreed that it was a private matter between them, and there no need to confess it to others. I do fully agree that he should have gotten rid of the pictures\video (I wish he had, and I never had seen them), clearly that was his intent before giving me the laptop. He's not a tech type person, so it does not surprise me that he didn't know that deleting files just means they go into the trashcan, or if he did know, he just forgot to empty the trash. Maybe he totally forgot those files were even on the laptop and he simply deleted a 100s of pictures all at once, not even knowing those pictures there. Like I said in a previous post, finding the pictures doesn't suddenly explain anything; there's no strange behavior like him sneaking off for hours in the middle of night, coming back, and saying "I was at the library" nor other creepy unexplained behavior. I suppose that just makes some even more paranoid that he is just really really good at having a secret life since, in their mind, he has been doing untold evil acts since the age of 13.

[Wakeup]

Actually privately, I have gotten a few messages saying they experimented with consensual sex with a sibling.

Was this "concensensual sex with a sibling" to the extent that your bf and his sister took it? Or.. did you not ask any further questions because what they told you made it all okay once again in your mind? I would imagine Pedophile priests often discuss their proclivities in private as well because they don't want to face the consequences of their actions. Sharing doesn't clear them of the deed nor does it mean their psyche's are clear of the deed. Just like it's very possible that your bf and his sister's psyche's are not clear of the deed.

Kids play doctor all the time, they compare "parts" that has already been noted outwardly in your thread. What your bf and his sister goes beyond 'playing doctor' and whoever wrote you and made you think that what they did is "normal" (and they did do that by what you say in that quote) are obviously still suffering from the same ptsd that you appear to be suffering from.

Group therapy is suppose to be about support, not so much about condoning and making you go even further into denial. Just because they did it, it does not mean your bf and his sister are over their obvious emotional involvment which, of course will effect your emotional connection with him.

[LisaW]

What you are describing here^^^ is not an unusual relationship between brother and sister. What is unusual is, for example, that the reason she likes her own boyfriend so much is that he reminds her of her brother, or the blindfolding part (it seems like they share lots of physical contact). Apart from the fact that they had sex with each other when they were tweens, of course.

They are close, almost like what is sometimes heard from twins in liking to do many things together. Some friends have even joked that they are twins that were born 1 year apart. Given the circumstances, you wouldn't think they would be close at all. Some have suggested she has blacked it all out, and doesn't remembering anything bad. Always possible, but that idea just is not making sense to me given what she had told me of things she did with boys privately when she was that age. Nothing unusual, just sexual exploration that starts to happen in middle school, such as kissing boys and some mild sexual touching. What was a huge big deal in the 6th - 8th grades, she has rolled her eyes as being typical school girl crushes stories and how the first time she saw a erection (in a picture) she had a giggle fit that lasted over 5 minutes, which wasn't all that different than my reaction the first time I saw one. They are very close, which I have always accept as just being the way its always been between them growing up.

[surfhb2]

Actually privately, I have gotten a few messages saying they experimented with consensual sex with a sibling. For obvious reasons, they don't want to talk about it publicly, and I now understand why. It was something that happened as kids, it ended, and they moved on. There is no reason for them to talk about publicly when 1) they will be accused of being a sexual criminal for the rest of their life or 2) a rape victim that's need serious mental help. And most likely accused of being a troll by a few others. If the pictures\video had not been his sister, but a girl friend, I suspect a few would still think he has grown up to be sexual criminal stalking young girls late at night, but I think most level headed people would see it as a mutual mistake made by him and his girlfriend. If it had been a girlfriend, I suspect he would have told me about it, but since it was his sister, maybe they mutually agreed that it was a private matter between them, and there no need to confess it to others. I do fully agree that he should have gotten rid of the pictures\video (I wish he had, and I never had seen them), clearly that was his intent before giving me the laptop. He's not a tech type person, so it does not surprise me that he didn't know that deleting files just means they go into the trashcan, or if he did know, he just forgot to empty the trash. Maybe he totally forgot those files were even on the laptop and he simply deleted a 100s of pictures all at once, not even knowing those pictures there. Like I said in a previous post, finding the pictures doesn't suddenly explain anything; there's no strange behavior like him sneaking off for hours in the middle of night, coming back, and saying "I was at the library" nor other creepy unexplained behavior. I suppose that just makes some even more paranoid that he is just really really good at having a secret life since, in their mind, he has been doing untold evil acts since the age of 13.

Have a wonderful Life

[bcgirl]

Actually privately, I have gotten a few messages saying they experimented with consensual sex with a sibling. For obvious reasons, they don't want to talk about it publicly, and I now understand why. It was something that happened as kids, it ended, and they moved on. There is no reason for them to talk about publicly when 1) they will be accused of being a sexual criminal for the rest of their life or 2) a rape victim that's need serious mental help. And most likely accused of being a troll by a few others. If the pictures\video had not been his sister, but a girl friend, I suspect a few would still think he has grown up to be sexual criminal stalking young girls late at night, but I think most level headed people would see it as a mutual mistake made by him and his girlfriend. If it had been a girlfriend, I suspect he would have told me about it, but since it was his sister, maybe they mutually agreed that it was a private matter between them, and there no need to confess it to others. I do fully agree that he should have gotten rid of the pictures\video (I wish he had, and I never had seen them), clearly that was his intent before giving me the laptop. He's not a tech type person, so it does not surprise me that he didn't know that deleting files just means they go into the trashcan, or if he did know, he just forgot to empty the trash. Maybe he totally forgot those files were even on the laptop and he simply deleted a 100s of pictures all at once, not even knowing those pictures there. Like I said in a previous post, finding the pictures doesn't suddenly explain anything; there's no strange behavior like him sneaking off for hours in the middle of night, coming back, and saying "I was at the library" nor other creepy unexplained behavior. I suppose that just makes some even more paranoid that he is just really really good at having a secret life since, in their mind, he has been doing untold evil acts since the age of 13.

I too as mentioned as a very young kid was curious and played doctor to my younger brother. We took naked baths together which is quite normal for 5 year olds to do. I made him kiss me and be naked in bed together. I used to tug on his penis and see if i can make it hard because i didnt have one. We were so young that at that age I didn't even know what sex was. I merely thought it was funny that his body looked different than mine. I saw it in movies and saw the pretty older girls have sex and it looked cool so I tried to do it. The Little Mermaid kissed prince Eric so i tried to do it. The last time it happened was when me and my brother were in bed naked and pretending to do that sex stuff that we saw on tv.( Ofcourse we had no idea what we were doing because we didnt know about intercourse or climaxing so sex in itself was impossible with two children of that age) My mom walked in the room and talked to us about how brother and sister and children shouldn't do that stuff together. Then as you get older and go to school and make friends and get to know more of your surroundings because you gain more knowledge of the world and become more mature, you really start to understand sex and why brother/sister sexual relations is a no-no. At 13 years old, I was already having my period, I was already a B cup in bra, so as a 13 year old... You have really hit puberty and come to know a lot of the world. Thus a 13 year old mentality is VERY different than a 5,6 or 7 year old. A 13 year old knows what sex entails. What happens is a 13 year old is capable of orgasm. So when we have a 13 yr old boy capable of semen and we have a 12 year old girl whom already gotten her period, there is potential for a pregnancy. This is impossible with a 5,6, or 7 year old because they have not reached puberty yet.
The fact that he tried to erase that video intentionally worries me. We don't know this to be certain that he tried to erase all traces of evidence... But you know what they say... Usually things like that is just the tip of the iceberg. Where there is one video, there could be loads others. Ppl with deep dark secrets usually are very good at hiding it. Heck, I used to be a serial cheater and I didn't stay out all night long where my ex would have suspected. You just become very good at pretending to be someone else (even to the ones you are living with). If you suspect that their brother/sister relationship is kind of out of the ordinary... Trust your gut, you just uncovered why.