I had an affair

[lovestruck]

I talked with John last night.
He came home late, don't know where from. I said, "lets talk". He turns his back and watches TV. I said " I'm serious John. We have really big problems." He just wouldn't answer. I kept asking him over and over what he wanted me to do so he would answer, but still not a word came out of his mouth. He wouldn't even look at me. I just got tired and I just started balling my eyes out. I asked him if he was happy. He said no. He asked me... well, by the way I looked I didn't have to answer. I said if we were'nt happy together and if we didn't care.. why were we still together. He just stopped talking. He went to sleep and I cried myself to sleep. I don't know whats going to happen later tonight, but I'm expecting the worse.

[whaywardj]

Hm. Sounds alike a man who's having an affair. Or one who knows you have. Or one who's struggling with the realization he's on a path in Life he doesn't want to walk. Try this: Think of parenting as an interlude, and NOT a lifetime commitment. Divide your child's life into six-year segments: zero to six; six to 12; 12 to 18. During each six-year period, your child is an entirely different creature having entirely different needs who makes entirely demands on your lives. Then is the child is gone. Consider how swiftly six years pass, and the fact that when your child is 18 and almost ready to go out on his or her own, you'll be, more or less, 38 or 40 years old; in the very prime of your life with a much greater knowledge of who you are and what you want; for yourself and from each other. And more able to accomplish all of it for yourselves. Thinking of your major parenting responsibilities as being a matter of setting aside some of your personal preferences for three six-year periods of life rather than 18 or 20 years makes it easier to get your mind around parenting, and the burdens of it a little easier to carry. Just a guess, but I'd almost be willing to bet you're both having some second thoughts about parenting and all the destructive behaviors are just how that ambivalence is expressing itself. Lighten THAT load, and you might find ways to tighten your relationship.

Parenting is a life-long commitment, yes. But too often, too many, I believe, over-emphasize that fact to their own detriment. The fact is, the obligations of parenting become much easier to undergo with their doing, and the impacts they have on your personal life diminish rapidly with the passsage of time. Your eight-month old child needs you at his or her beck and call. Your 16 year-old child wants as little to do with you as possible. The truth is, they grow up before you realize they have. One day, you're giggling over some toddler faux pas they committed; the next, you're cleaning out their old toys, turning their old bedroom into a study, wondering where all the time went to; and whether they'll write you a letter this month. Or maybe, even, call to say hello. The truth is also that, at the beginning, you might wonder what on earth have you done and how will you ever get through it. After they've gone, you'll find yourself wishing they could've needed you just a little bit longer than they did.

[lovestruck]

I know its true. I won't know how much I needed him.. how much I loved him until he's gone, there's just something inside me that wants to break free.
As for Jv, my son, I'll be beside him his entire life. I know his dad will too. The good thing about us is, when we argue or fight, once our baby comes in the room he forgets he was screaming and I forget I was crying. We both love our child to death. We do think of whats best for him.
John having an affair? I don't think he is, but it's possible. He can't look me in the face and when I kiss him goodbye he turns his face to the side.
maybe our time together is up.

[Junsui]

Yes, it sounds like it is.

[lovestruck]

.
life really sucks.

[Junsui]

I know it can be tough sometimes. You will be able to get through this though. If you are going through depression, I would suggest seeing a therapist if you are able to.

[lovestruck]

see i've already thought of that.. therapists done come cheap here in the philippines... besides, i have good friends.

[whaywardj]

I know its true. I won't know how much I needed him.. how much I loved him until he's gone, there's just something inside me that wants to break free...As for Jv, my son, I'll be beside him his entire life.

I wasn't referring to missing your SO. I was referring to longing for your child. And actually, no. You won't "be beside" your son his entire life. At the very least and best, with luck, you'll be dead before your child's life passes in its fullness. At the very worst, you'll take that sentiment to an extreme and not let your child go when the time comes. Any of the shades between those extremes is also possible. Not all are advisable.

Case in point: "Mommies make the rules. Daddies break them." When he was three or four, my ex was annoyingly protective of our son, doing things like not letting him walk on a city sidewalk unless he was holding one of our hands. One day, he was tugging at my hand as we all three strolled around our neighborhood in San Francisco, "What?!" I snapped at him. "I want to go ahead," he answered. I thought about it and said, "Okay. But when you get to a curb, you stop RIGHT THERE, without stepping off it, and wait for us. Okay?" His eyes lit up and he nodded madly in a fine imitation of Deputy Dawg saying 'yes' to a milk bone offer. I let his hand go and he shot off running ahead of us.

My ex freaked and made to run after him. I called her back, saying, "Let him go. There's a stop sign at the corner and traffic is light, anyway. Let's see who the little guy is." We watched him barrel toward the intersection; my ex's eyes getting bigger with shock each step he took; admittedly, I was a little tense, too. At the very last, possible moment, he skidded to a halt at the curb and turned around to shoot us a huge grin. I cracked up laughing. My ex punched me in the ribs.

I'm sure my son felt as if he'd accomplished something great. And, when you think about it, he had.

So, no. It's not always a good idea to always "be beside" your children. If you are, they never have a chance to show you who they are without you. And, since "without you" is where they'll inevitably end up, I think it's a good idea to prepare them for that from the very beginning.

FWIW.

[Rosebud]

I don't look at my son as the biggest mistake of my life. How can I when he's the only one that's gives me the will to face every damn day.
I guess I am depressed.

Ok I'm confused isn't this what you said in an earlier post??

I made probably the biggest mistake I'll ever make in my life.. I didn't use protection. and I'm dealing with it.


I'm not trying to rip you a new one here although I don't agree with what you did, I'm just trying to give you advice on what your telling us. After reading your last post about what happened with your man, I think your both not happy and you ahve to sit down and figure out what you want. But I think a bigger issue here is finding a way to deal with your post-pardom depression which is what I think you have. Things do get better, but if your not able to go to a therapist you will ahve to find some other way of dealing with this. Maybe you can schedule an appt with your ob/gyn and explian what's going on emotionally with you and they can direct you on how to go about this.

[Ellynn]

You BOTH are unhappy....and the longer you stick together..........and the more tension it is.....the more its gonna effect your child. They can sense it and trust me......its not a good thing.

My parents had alot of tension when we were growing up..... I remember going to bed so scared when I would hear them argueing and threatening to leave each other..
WHen they got divorced....I thought my world was ending.....and I was like 14 at the time..... But......I learned afterwards how much happier they were after splitting up.....and I got to appreciate them more....and my dad was less moody and my mom was even happier...

I learned they were much better apart then together....and they were still there for me and my sis......

SOmetimes you have to be selfish and think of yourself.... Cuz if your not happy...chances are your child won't be....

[carpflounder]

American Moral Decay: "its now better to divorce for the child's sake...then it is to stay together and work it out for the child's sake."

[Ellynn]

American Moral Decay: "its now better to divorce for the child's sake...then it is to stay together and work it out for the child's sake."

So.....you think that its best for the parents to stay together even though they are openly unhappy and sleeping around with other people?

[Apache]

So.....you think that its best for the parents to stay together even though they are openly unhappy and sleeping around with other people?

Sadly this happens all too often. And as you said in your earlier
post, the kids suffer with them.

[lovestruck]

That's exactly what I don't want my son to go through.. I grew up watching my mother getting the shit beatin out of her. Just by hearing something drop or bang, my sisters and I would immediately check on my mom if she was ok. Sometimes we would be paranoid, sometimes we would be to late. I know what it feels like to be in a shitty family.. I promised myself I would never do that to my children.
I know for a fact that if we don't split up, it'll get worse.
I'm moving out next week. I'm going to stay with my grandmother for the meanwhile. Yes my son is staying with me. John doesn't know how to take care of the baby.
I'm not sure where this all will end up, but to be honest, I'm scared to death to make the wrong move.

[FrenchMaid]

Maybe have sometime apart will make you and your bf realise that you miss eachother or that it is really over.

Take care