Wife sends me a text message about sex????

[Incognito]

yep, that's what we are saying.

If there was a button next to the "thanks" that you can give for a post that was a "thumbs down" I'd click that one for that statement right now. I think that is a rather one sided, and self (gender) serving statement.

Actually, the flowers and the chocolate would be something she doesn't deserve, in my opinion. That's for AFTER the sex.

I just think you should bring it up again. There's obviously something wrong with her or this situation wouldn't be what it is, and bringing it up at all was probably a Herculean effort for her. I think you should take it the rest of the way, tell her you haven't forgotten what she said and tell her you want to go to a counselor together as soon as possible. The fact that you're just letting it go is telling her it's not really important to you after all.

I am not understanding why this is so "Herculean" for her. She's the one who is fine about not having sex, and the one who claims to never think about sex. To bring up something that has not been hurting her seems to be more about her worrying about how "I'm getting my fix" instead of her being concerned about why she doesn't need sex. Again, I'm only looking at this situation through my eyes, so I am a bit bias in this regard. Please explain so that I can understand. I take no one's "word" for anything without reasonable explanation.

[Incognito]

Well I left her in another state once, but the sex problem dates back to our honeymoon.

[vashti]

I am not understanding why this is so "Herculean" for her. She's the one who is fine about not having sex, and the one who claims to never think about sex. To bring up something that has not been hurting her seems to be more about her worrying about how "I'm getting my fix" instead of her being concerned about why she doesn't need sex. Again, I'm only looking at this situation through my eyes, so I am a bit bias in this regard. Please explain so that I can understand. I take no one's "word" for anything without reasonable explanation.

Do you want to be right? or do you want to get back to a healthy sex life?

I am guessing you want to be right.

[Incognito]

That wasn't the question. I asked why this was so "Herculean" for her. If you were robbed of all of your worldly possessions would you simply "want all of your things back" or "see the thief get prosecuted and get jail time" (likened to me being right)? I'm sure you'd want both, but if your possessions had been gone so long that you learned to life without them I'm sure you'd want to see the guy go to jail a smidge more than you want your stuff back. To answer your question though, I suppose that I hadn't considered that I might have to choose either/or. I would like to have a healthy sex life, but being that I never have had one (and the fact that I've learned to accept this to some extent) I was leaning more toward wanting my "rightness" to be recognized.

[Sonrisa]

i have a feeling that you must've done some something if she is dissatisfied with you on a certain level. come on, tell us. you are not perfect. no one is. you'll make it easier for us by telling us the truth.

[Incognito]

If having a penis counts, then yeah I did something really wrong. Most of our troubles early in our marriage stemmed from her having a disdain for men stemming from issues with her father. I left her and moved 1500 miles away when things reached a breaking point. Like I said, the sex issue existed WAY before that though.

[Sonrisa]

oh please, i don't believe in that bullshit. if a woman is happy then she won't have any issues with sex. what are doing that she doesn't like? i am sure she has mentioned it more than once.

[Sonrisa]

once again, Inc. no one here is going to judge for being "bad". we have all shared some pretty shameful facts about ourselves. this is only to help each other.

[vashti]

That wasn't the question. I asked why this was so "Herculean" for her. If you were robbed of all of your worldly possessions would you simply "want all of your things back" or "see the thief get prosecuted and get jail time" (likened to me being right)? I'm sure you'd want both, but if your possessions had been gone so long that you learned to life without them I'm sure you'd want to see the guy go to jail a smidge more than you want your stuff back. To answer your question though, I suppose that I hadn't considered that I might have to choose either/or. I would like to have a healthy sex life, but being that I never have had one (and the fact that I've learned to accept this to some extent) I was leaning more toward wanting my "rightness" to be recognized.

You are not going to be able to be "right" AND have a healthy sex life with this woman. Your need to be punitive is going to hurt your ability to heal.

And for the record, I would just want my stuff back.

[Incognito]

oh please, i don't believe in that bullshit. if a woman is happy then she won't have any issues with sex. what are doing that she doesn't like? i am sure she has mentioned it more than once.

She had extreme anger issues for years. Two of the grossest/stupidest instances were when I gave her daughter a cup of water at dinner when she said she was thirsty. She got angry claiming that "I gave her too much" when she didn't even attempt to get her anything to drink. The other time was when I was extremely sick and couldn't even stand without being doubled over in pain. She wanted to go out somewhere and when I explained that I was in too much pain to walk from our third floor apartment, out to the parking lot, and then around at an unknown loction she said "I hate that fact that you are sick, I wish you weren't sick so that we could actually do something".......no picture those words being said in the nastiest of tones possible. I ended up going, and it took me about ten minutes to painfully make my way down the steps, out to the car, (getting in took another few minutes because I had to lower myself as best I could since I couldn'r just climb in). When we got there I was sweating because I was in so much pain, but I figured that she'd be happy I was there. Well, she ASKED IF I was getting out to go into the store. Since she ASKED (which obviously implies a choice) I said that I'd rather wait in the car because I was in so much pain. She then threw the car into reverse, and peeled wheels out of the parking lot. I didn't know what was going on. She wouldn't tell me for about five minutes, but when she did start talking all she said was "I wanted for us to go out as a family". Does that sound reasonable to you? I'd bring up the times she returned my rings to me after a stupid argument, but it would only be proving my point further.

Anyway, like I said before I never did anything that could have warranted this. Had I cheated, been abusive, done something criminal, or anything else equally wrong I would understand, but I didn't.

[Sonrisa]

noooo, I asked for what YOU did wrong! have you NEVER done anything wrong? let me talk to HER

[Incognito]

what are doing that she doesn't like? i am sure she has mentioned it more than once.

Right now she would lament that we don't do enough together and that we aren't romantic anymore. However, when I did do almost everything with her and tried to be romantic most of the time there was still no sexual desire from her. That is why I'm not quick to do an about face. I reached the point where I am now, which I describe as cautious, gaurded, and indifferent, after years of practice and because of necessity. To simply throw all of that away to pursue a self sacrificing path (that I've already taken once) seems naive.

[Incognito]

noooo, I asked for what YOU did wrong! have you NEVER done anything wrong? let me talk to HER

I am thinking, and I can honestly say that I haven't done anything major (besides the things mentioned above).

[Gigabitch]

What was herculean about it was that she seems to generally be a selfish person. She actually remembered and mentioned something that matters to you, not to her, and acknowledged that it needed to change. This is not something she usually does.

[Incognito]

What was herculean about it was that she seems to generally be a selfish person. She actually remembered and mentioned something that matters to you, not to her, and acknowledged that it needed to change. This is not something she usually does.

Damn! Thank you very much. I certainly didn't see that point before. That is a truly excellent point! That actually does make me feel like putting forth some sort of effort. Hmmm.... Thank you.