Would You Want To Know

[RobsGirl]

Therapy is a waste of time and money. HIA is living proof of that.

[HeartIsAching]

so now im not worth it o goody at really boosted my self estem ok i get what your saying and he may have some abusive behavios but he would never hit me abd i understand he does deserve an explanation i just dont know how to tell him an i dont think its my therapist just therapy in general i dont think is working

No sweetie, don't take it that way - I'm old and cynical. Just take it as he's a fairly good guy, waiting this long.

[onesexyblonde]

No sweetie, don't take it that way - I'm old and cynical. Just take it as he's a fairly good guy, waiting this long.

im sorry i just have no self estem what so ever and i know hes a good guy and he loves me and you dont sound that old like maybe 30's at best

[onesexyblonde]

Therapy is a waste of time and money. HIA is living proof of that.

if wht he is saying is true which i believe it is it seems to me hes made big strides and come a long way

[HeartIsAching]

LOL, like I said, he's a troll.

[RobsGirl]

Yeah, it was the hard jail time that sorted him out, not some therapist. Once you've had the threat of a brother every shower, it kinda changes your behaviour a tad.

[onesexyblonde]

LOL, like I said, he's a troll.

so back to whatever im starting to think maybe i just shoudnt b in a relationship and maybe i shoud just break it off with him

[onesexyblonde]

Yeah, it was the hard jail time that sorted him out, not some therapist. Once you've had the threat of a brother every shower, it kinda changes your behaviour a tad.

thats not cool i think you went way to far with that one

[basilandthyme]

You've been with this guy for three years. No sex for three years and lying by omission that whole time.

If I found out that my boyfriend had spent *three years* hiding something so major from me - including lying about the reasons he'd refused sex - I'd wonder what else he was hiding from me. I'd be angry that I'd fallen for someone who had presented a fake persona to me. I'd lose all trust I have in him. It could well be a dealbreaker.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you continue to lie by omission, you'll further damage the relationship - and the longer you keep it secret, the worse the potential for damage becomes. But if you come clean, he's likely to question everything you've ever told him and have his trust severely damaged.

I think you've made some terrible decisions in this relationship. I really don't know how you can recover without harming the relationship.

[coconutz]

i think it depends on how strong the friendship in the relationship is.
cause if it is not strong, you man regret later or his reaction can make you regret it.

so if you feel safe enough etc. you can say something about it to him.

[coconutz]

but i think best would be if you took time to get over it as much as possible before getting in
another relationship.

[onesexyblonde]

but i think best would be if you took time to get over it as much as possible before getting in
another relationship.

ithink that most of the problem is that i jumped into anther relationship without giving myself time too figure things out

[IndiReloaded]

ithink that most of the problem is that i jumped into anther relationship without giving myself time too figure things out

This^ sounds right to me.

After 3 years, you have managed to dig yourself into a deep hole of non-communication. Like HIA, I want to know why this man is still waiting for you. Sounds like he has issues of his own. No offense, but even if this man thinks he loves you to death its still unhealthy for him not to have addressed the lack of sex. Either he doesn't want it, is getting it someplace else or has self-esteem issues of his own.

Why can't you talk to him? That is another big red flag.

If it helps, I can relate somewhat. I came out of a long marriage last year. Some would call it emotionally abusive, though I hate labels, particularly since I chose to be there all those years. A couple months ago, I met a man and we fell in love. Really strong connection, love at first sight, yadda yadda. It's been wonderful for both of us except, like you, I have baggage from my marriage I haven't had a chance to work through completely. I haven't shared gory details with my boyfriend but he knows my general situation. I had to share with him to explain why I wasn't ready for his rather strong declaration of his own feelings about me. We did this 1-2 months in. I can't imagine letting this drag out to 3 years, that is just wrong.

As HIA said, those negative emotions are driven by fear. You have to find a way to let that go. Some do it by rationalizing, others by running straight at their fear and doing the opposite of what it says. Either way, you need to get in the habit of facing that fear and taking intelligent risks that will make you happy. I can't say much more to you at this point, being somewhat on the same path as you, but I will say that it's important to have a partner you feel comfortable taking these risks with.

If he makes you uncomfortable, or does anything that reminds you of your previous bad experiences, then he is not the one for you. Face that fear before any others and move on. Good luck.

Here is a quote from one of my favourite authors (HIA, its LM Bujold)

But pain... seems to me an insufficient reason not to embrace life. Being dead is quite painless. Pain, like time, is going to come on regardless. Question is, what glorious moments can you win from life in addition to the pain?

[IndiReloaded]

So, what are you doing to do, OSB?

[onesexyblonde]

Indi i told him