Why can't I be "normal"?

[Wakeup]

But when you have zero "sex appeal" like I do (I may even have negative "sex appeal", if that's possible), a girl thinking you want to have sex with her seems like the ultimate way to scare her off.

Have you ever gotten any councelling for your incessant need to belittle yourself? For this very low opinion you have of you?

[Indestructible]

Have you ever gotten any councelling for your incessant need to belittle yourself? For this very low opinion you have of you?

Eh. No, but I don't think it constitutes "belittling" to say that I'm not a sexually appealing person. It's just a statement, a fact. Something I have to figure out how to work around.

[pcmaster]

The only problem is you are depressed. Once you heal it you are cheerful and positive person again.
I noticed that on every positive thought you have something negative to say and simple things you make complicated. Thats for sure is depression.

[Wakeup]

Eh. No, but I don't think it constitutes "belittling" to say that I'm not a sexually appealing person. It's just a statement, a fact. Something I have to figure out how to work around.

Don't shirk the question. You DO have a very low opinion of yourself and I had asked have you ever thought about getting councelling to get past that. Have you?

You don't want help (apparently) You just want attention from the good folks of this forum and to justify your piss poor opinion of yourself. Why? Because like PC says. You're depressed. Have you ever thought about going to your doctor and asking for a referral to help you with your attitude and general overall non-motivation to feel better about yourself?

[Indestructible]

Don't shirk the question. You DO have a very low opinion of yourself and I had asked have you ever thought about getting councelling to get past that. Have you?

I did answer the question, I said no.

You don't want help (apparently) You just want attention from the good folks of this forum and to justify your piss poor opinion of yourself. Why? Because like PC says. You're depressed. Have you ever thought about going to your doctor and asking for a referral to help you with your attitude and general overall non-motivation to feel better about yourself?

I don't know that I really believe "professional help" would help me, though. I feel like my mind is too broken for anyone to ever truly help me put back together. It's not like I haven't thought about it. I don't really even know how to find someone. I don't "have" a doctor to get referred by, and I've tried typing "therapist" and my city into Google and got so-so results. I just don't know that I could justify giving my time and money to something that may not do a thing for me. Yanno?

[Wakeup]

I don't know that I really believe "professional help" would help me, though. I feel like my mind is too broken for anyone to ever truly help me put back together.

Then there's no sense us trying to help you any more then because we're not professionals and all you want is our attention and someone to tell why what we suggest won't work for you.

I don't really even know how to find someone. I don't "have" a doctor to get referred by, and I've tried typing "therapist" and my city into Google and got so-so results. I just don't know that I could justify giving my time and money to something that may not do a thing for me. Yanno?

No I don't know. You'll make an excuse about anything and I'm sorry but I find your excuses to continuing being who you are lame and tiresome so I'll leave your thread and wish you good luck in your self-deprecation because that appears to be the only place you're happy.

In case you should get motivated to try personal therapy, go to a walk in clinic if you don't have a doctor and tell the doctor on call what you're looking for. Or... if you're still in school go to your faculity councellor and tell him/her what you're looking for.

[Indestructible]

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to frustrate you guys or push you guys away. I just... I don't have any "hope" left for myself. On some level, I've already given up on myself, and I feel like there's no turning back from that. I'm not purposely trying to "play games" with you guys, or anything like that. But I'm running out of people to talk to. I have no "offline" friends or people I can talk to. I've been ousted from several of my favorite online communities. Yesterday, I even decided to deactivate my Facebook account because none of the people on there are really my "friends". I pretty much have no one, now. I'm almost completely alone. I'm hanging on by a thread, my sanity is hanging on by a thread, and it's scary.

I don't know if I can properly explain it, but there's a part of me that pretty much gets off on making myself miserable. That part of me loves it when I'm sad, upset, lonely, feeling bad, etc., and that part has the majority control. The one little sliver of me that wants to REALLY be happy (in a normal, healthy way) has been beaten down so much that it's starting to just give in to the abuse. Meanwhile, the not-so-nice part of me is "happy" continuing to abuse that little sliver of me that used to have hope.

About 5-6 years ago, I got hurt (mentally/ emotionally) pretty badly by some people. The pain just wouldn't go away, and I struggled with it for nearly a year. The only way I could turn it off was to shut out ALL emotions and feelings. I basically became a shell of a person. But I just didn't care about anything. For five years, I floated through life as this "ghost" of a person. I just couldn't "snap out of it". Last year, I met an amazing girl, and that little sliver of me that had hope saw something special, and amazingly enough, I snapped out of it in a big way. All my fears and insecurities just melted away. I felt happy, I felt confident. Not only did I want to date her, but I was looking to build up a social circle for myself, and for a while, I felt like I was making progress. Then, this girl turned me down, and that broke my heart; then, everyone I was trying to become friends with suddenly started pulling away from me. Last year, I was finally able to envision a happy life for myself, in vivid detail, and I really felt like I could have all of that. But just like that, the rug is pulled out from under me.

And now I find myself doing what I did years ago... I've been struggling with the pain of what happened last year, and it's coming up to about 9 months now. And now, I'm once again "shutting down". I can't seem to deal with the pain, so I'm instinctively turning off all emotions and feelings, I've lost the will to care about me or anything else, I'm accepting my isolation from the outside world. I'm becoming that "shell of a person", that "ghost" that I was for five years all over again.

I'm beginning to think this is just the pattern, the cycle that I'm doomed to repeat over and over. Find people I care about, get rejected by all of them, "shut down" emotionally for years, find more people I care about, get rejected by them, "shut down" for years, etc.