My girl thinks I am not over an old ex, and that my commitment is not 100% to her

[tomcochrane]

Cmon man dont be sad. You being pussy again. Live your life for yourself ! WHile you have a chance. I mean right now you have chance to take time for yourself and theres no girl you have to count with.

With patient I mean client. Wasn't sure if I wrote that right.

^^The first sentence of his 4th paragraph brings it on home doesn't it. She knows all about you and while this is a comfort, you must be mindful that your not just replacing one thing with another. You say she is like your new drug? Well don't get too dependent. You two also share natural chemistry which is special in and of itself; focus on that.. Your story is rather romantic really

When you send the gift, perhaps do it through a floral shop, not the post. They will deliver the package with flowers to her and it will be anonymous but she'll know who it's from. Safer that way. And of course, no name, all that.

Her text to you was warm. I think asking her out for a holiday drink/dinner of sorts is a great idea. Woo her.

You just need to be careful once you are back together. Get your stories straight on how you met. Might have to tell a few light lies to protect her career. The heart wants what the heart wants. Makes me wonder if her sister already knows your an ex client.
anyway, sounds like your back on track.
and PC.M has allot of good insight as well so, your all good.

Yes, maybe a few white lies.
I know her sis doesn't know for sure, she would crucify her being a social worker herself. Hence when she moves out in Feb.

The story is so romantic, one of my friends described it like a movie! The ex before was a girl i met travelling south america for 3 months..left for UK with the thought id never see her again, then got a job in France that landed on my lap free everything, food, room, zero expenditure. It enabled me to go back and live with her for another 3 months. Though immigration plans failed due to my problems, that was romantic. Though I think my current situation tops that even though it didn't involve travelling, it involved a person who took me at face value fully knowing I was an addict and loved being with me for me. If only she knew!
Yes, I've had some fairytale romantic encounters in my time

Question about florist.....
Isn't through the post just as anonymous? I don't need to put my return add. on the package(I can, but wont, will send recorded), don't know how it is in N.America. Inside is a card with little bits of jewellery and an engraved box. If she got it from a florist her sister is still going to want to know whats in the parcel, who flowers are from apparently she is nosey. Though it reveals none of my full identity it has pics and my first name to friends though (Tommy) and her sis never worked in substance misuse so doesn't know me from Adam. I just dont want to leave her with unnecessary awkward explaining to do as I don't know what shes told her sis about a man, whether she made a fake name etc, its likely she will have to pick up from post office as she'll be at work prob. That could be a saving grace. That would also mean she wouldn't be home for flower delivery. Yes I'm aware I'm over thinking everything.

I did ask her out, very softly with no pressure for a festive drink, and said if not then I'll prove myself in february. I did this in a video for her where I sing happy birthday, wish her well, tell her I'm doing well, added her favourite song
I'm quite a good editor (studied film) I just watched the final edit and it brang a tear to my eye! A congratulations card for her new job made her cry!! so if this doesn't make her emotional then nothing will! Popped the video memory card in the jewellery box for extra woo factor. Little things

Yes, it was always drugs and women, don't want to be dependant on her, just couldn't help fall, at the same time almost...was magical. Cheesy I know. Though feels so natural....

Woody two quick questions -

1. What text from her was warm? Last one I had was weeks ago, it did say she missed me and that she wants me to teach her romance hehe. But since then I sent her those texts saying how I feel with no reply (3+ weeks ago )

2. What sentance of PCmaster did you find relevant? About us meeting in dark times?

- - - Updated - - -

Cmon man dont be sad.

This is a question for both you guys as PC mentioned it.
Are anti depressants really going to be more good than harm?

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow. Its not just the girl, my family life is terrible, I'm trying to work out what to do with my life, after rehab he said he would do anything to help me but just two months down the line and my dad treats me like a piece of shit, talks to me like garbage...waste of space, be on benefits all your life, the best thing you could do is say goodbye, he even said he wished he never visited me in intensive care so I could be put in some kind of accommodation. I could walk at any moment with £2000 ($3000) in my pocket but got to stick it out. He doesn't know that I have this stash of money I could call his bluff at any time, and even though I'm going through hell and at my parents house at 29 its because its safer here for me!!! I feel I'm in a house where I'm not wanted, lonely, depressed, Theres a whole host of things causing me to feel like shit and cry most days.

Do I opt for anti-d's?
I don't like their side effect profile. ESPECIALLY about reducing libido. Possibly even permanently I've read. Sex isn't everything we had, but in regards to the lady I more than satisfy her in that regard (by her own admission and reactions! Never seen anyone so excited!).
Anyway enough naughty talk,
Is it really a path worth treading?
I'm unsure if I want to be dependant on pills. Though everything is coming on top of me like a ton of bricks, I'm quite sad.

[MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION] are you advocating their usage? Does it help if you are missing someone and also to help set your goals and make you more motivated in life?

[pcmaster]

I'm using stuff already 11 months and theres no problems. Yes libido is decreased but maybe thats why I dont have those mood swings. But I still have libido just less(if I stop using pills libido will restore in hours). And for sure they will stop your crying. They save your nerves and make bad things go away or at least stay more immune to them. Also I feel better about myself. Like alcohol would make you feel better in very small doses. Thats how they work. First days you might even feel happy. Also I can stop using them at any time but after few months it goes back to where it was before because you actually need happy life to be happy or normal without pills.
Crying is really a true sign that you need those pills. Also problems with sleep is first sign that something is not right. Stress is much more harmful to health than pills I use.

And yes they help if you are missing someone and do help with motivation. And first months on pills are the best. Later you get more used to them but they still works. Might give you that little push you need to go back normal life. Still its all up to you. Pills can take you away from that dark place you are now and help stay on the water for longer, but you still have to swim to get where you wana to be in life.

[tomcochrane]

I'm using stuff already 11 months and theres no problems. Yes libido is decreased but maybe thats why I dont have those mood swings. But I still have libido just less(if I stop using pills libido will restore in hours). And for sure they will stop your crying. They save your nerves and make bad things go away or at least stay more immune to them. Also I feel better about myself. Like alcohol would make you feel better in very small doses. Thats how they work. First days you might even feel happy. Also I can stop using them at any time but after few months it goes back to where it was before because you actually need happy life to be happy or normal without pills.
Crying is really a true sign that you need those pills. Also problems with sleep is first sign that something is not right. Stress is much more harmful to health than pills I use.

And yes they help if you are missing someone and do help with motivation. And first months on pills are the best. Later you get more used to them but they still works. Might give you that little push you need to go back normal life. Still its all up to you. Pills can take you away from that dark place you are now and help stay on the water for longer, but you still have to swim to get where you wana to be in life.

If you don't mind me asking what ones are they? The standard they give here is citalopram. If I were to get any I suspect it to be that. I tried for only a couple of weeks and they made me feel worse! Did you have an adjustment process? As you said that the first days you might feel happy, but that normally is not the case with SSRI's and first weeks can worsen depression, hence why I ask what you are on. I also heard that sometimes libido never* fully comes back so am surprised you say a few hours when most ssri's have a very long half life.

Although they are not narcotic drugs, they are still mood altering. At the end of the day it is my choice and I've been honest that I'm seeing doc for depression though I think my parents would not be happy if I got them. My grandmother got into a horrible state with benzodiazepines and died before I ever met her, but thats a different kind of drug completely and horribly addictive. I tried explaining but they don't seem to understand the difference between anxiety and depression and seem to think I'll be on them my whole life. Still, I will see what the doctor says in 12 hours.

I've finished editing the video for her birthday. If you or anyone are interested (or care! Hehe) I can show you the link and see if you think its nice. Is only 5 mins. Perhaps a bit embarrassing but I figure I'll never meet you guys, though you've been such a GREAT help to me!

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION]
[MENTION=67819]TablesandChairs[/MENTION]
[MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION]

PM emails if interested and I can send link,
Tom

[pcmaster]

Well Im not even sure that stuff Im using are real antidepresants but its called Rispolept. Thats from the family of risperidonum.
If you said that first days on pills made you feel worse then it wasnt the right pills for you. Normaly you go once a month (or sooner if you need) to psihiatrist and he adjust dosage or change medication. When you was in ward they should have find the right pills for you.

I think you are depressed for sure. Aniexty is something you feel one day not everyday.

And yes it sucks that doctors says you would be pills your whole life. Actually once your life is sorted out and you are deeply internaly happy you wont need those pills anymore. I mean currently you cant and shouldnt feel happy for the life you have. But once you get your life back it would be much better effect on you than antidepressants. Just while you dont have it yet and are still unstable pills helps. And prevents things that are now happening.

[tomcochrane]

Well Im not even sure that stuff Im using are real antidepresants but its called Rispolept. Thats from the family of risperidonum.
If you said that first days on pills made you feel worse then it wasnt the right pills for you. Normaly you go once a month (or sooner if you need) to psihiatrist and he adjust dosage or change medication. When you was in ward they should have find the right pills for you.

I think you are depressed for sure. Aniexty is something you feel one day not everyday.

And yes it sucks that doctors says you would be pills your whole life. Actually once your life is sorted out and you are deeply internaly happy you wont need those pills anymore. I mean currently you cant and shouldnt feel happy for the life you have. But once you get your life back it would be much better effect on you than antidepressants. Just while you dont have it yet and are still unstable pills helps. And prevents things that are now happening.

That is an anti-psychotic you are taking, for management of bi-polar etc. It has a calming effect and works instantly. I once had to take something similar, worked, but slept all the time!

No, it is very normal for you to feel a bit rubbish on the first ~2 weeks of an SSRI anti-depressant. It takes a while for the serotonin levels to adjust in your brain.
Then they start working. What you are taking is completely different and yes, libido effects would be back in hours. Whereas in my case, the opposite, and potentially never restore to normal leves! asking myself do I need to go through a torturous week as well as that, I'm unsure

Doctor soon.

[pcmaster]

So as I understand you are afraid of SSRI. Then take risperidon. Say doctor that you prefer it. And if it worked for you great, it will work again. Yes there are side effect or slippiness. But it depends on dosage and basicly when you want to sleep its overdosed already. Besides you get used to that and dont feel sleepy anymore after few weeks. But right now even sleep would be good for you. Im taking very low dose only 1mg(used to be 2) and there are now side effects. If I forgot to take it then I dont even feel it until few hours later maybe. I bet you need sleeping pills as well. Actually sleep quality is very important to feel good during the day.
Your body need activity too. Hope you are doing some sports activity like going to gym or at least doing push-ups and sit-ups at home. Running and swimming is good too.

[tomcochrane]

So as I understand you are afraid of SSRI. Then take risperidon. Say doctor that you prefer it. And if it worked for you great, it will work again. Yes there are side effect or slippiness. But it depends on dosage and basicly when you want to sleep its overdosed already. Besides you get used to that and dont feel sleepy anymore after few weeks. But right now even sleep would be good for you. Im taking very low dose only 1mg(used to be 2) and there are now side effects. If I forgot to take it then I dont even feel it until few hours later maybe. I bet you need sleeping pills as well. Actually sleep quality is very important to feel good during the day.
Your body need activity too. Hope you are doing some sports activity like going to gym or at least doing push-ups and sit-ups at home. Running and swimming is good too.

I go cycling, and I actually sleep very well! Maybe a bit too well, I go to bed at 11pm or 12am and don't get up till around 10am. Most good sleeping pills are addictive, and I used to abuse them so that's a no no! Pills are not the answer (they should only be used for a few days to get a sleeping pattern back IMO), there are other ways to get good natural sleep.

More to the point, I'm horrified if you are taking the anti-psychotic drug Risperidone for depression alone. Was it prescribed for that alone?? Because they are not for that. That doctor needs his head checked! They are for schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder! In the UK a doctor would never offer that for depression, unless it was an extreme case with psychotic episodes!

If I were you I would discontinue usage ASAP by reducing your dose and stopping completely if it is normal depression.
In fact I was you at one point, and I was taking Olanzapine, something very similar, for temporary drug induced psychosis. The psychosis was gone, and I didn't need them, though the doctors pretty much forced me to take them. I threw them away after a week, one of the best things I did.

The side effects are very real. I had significant weight gain after a week of use but that was the least of my worries after reading up about them. These drugs are new, highly physically addictive, made in the most over prescribing nation in the world (America) and there has been much controversy over the and their usage. I've watched documentaries on them and their risks seem to outweigh the benefits. One side effect from long term use is Tardive dyskenesia. A condition like parkinsons, degenerative.

People may think it won't happen to them but I met a man who suffered this as a consequence of taking these meds. He shook all the time, could barely light a cigarette, had spasmodic movements and was severely depressed from using them. Not a place you would want to be I guess?

Thats not all though, just check wikipedia or drugs dot com and read up on them. Many horror stories. They do have a use but are to be used in the most extreme circumstances only! Stop while you can mate, or risk everything.
If it is just depression ask for a drug made for them, an SSRI for instance!

I've been prescribed 20mg Fluoxetine (Prozac) to start with. I also have counselling, groups etc. Anyone had a good experience with this one?

PC....do the right thing and quit (slowly)! Unless you are schizophrenic or suffer bi polar.

I'm wondering what my lady would think about me taking these. She doesn't know a lot about medicine, crucified me when I was on Diazepam but knew that I was using them wrongly. Prozac isn't the same though, doesn't get you high/sedated. Its for legitimate medical reasons that I just want to gain stability in my mind and life to motivate me to do the things I want to do. Hope she understands and doesn't think I'm weak. In her eyes she sees me as a strong confident person, that was her initial attraction to me.....

Getting back on to the topic, I'm still scared of sending the package without her permission after speaking to a friend today If I asked for the permission she would say don't send it....maybe a risk I got to take??

[lissa]

I’ve been following this thread for a couple days now, and definitely disagree with the advice pcmaster has given you. Take this as you will, but my thoughts on this are are very different...

This woman is not treating you well at all, and it is unfair to you. If she thought you weren’t over your ex, she should have told you so, listened to whatever response you had to give her, and then decided whether she wanted to stay with you/work through it or to leave you. Instead, she has thrown this “break” at you seemingly in order to torture you, teach you a lesson, and break you so that you know not to step out of line again.

She may not be evil, but she is horribly insecure and insecurity will make one do evil things like this. You don’t deserve it.

I know you feel you love her and I doubt you will believe me when I say her treatment of you is uncalled for and plain shitty… So my second point is this:

Groveling is not attractive.

It’s simply not. Begging for someone to take you back usually pushes them further away. The only type of person who enjoys seeing someone groveling is the one who is trying to teach you a lesson (see above). If she really cares for you and isn’t just trying to punish you, then she is finding it very uncomfortable to read your texts and is thinking less of you every time you do it. It looks pathetic and I’m sure it feels pretty pathetic too.

Your best bet is to leave this be for now. If she is testing you and wants to see you miserable and pathetic, then she’s a bad person and you will be distancing yourself from her with your silence.

But if she just truly needs the time alone until Feb, then you’ll be giving it to her per her wishes. You’ve already said enough. Now your silence can say, “I’ve said my piece and I hope you can forgive me. But I’m the strong, confident person you fell for, so I'm not going to waste my entire life away begging and waiting around." THAT is 1,000 times more attractive than a bunch of apologies.

[pcmaster]

Well lissa I dont think guy can control his feelings for this girl anymore. Also you want him to be confident and take the stance when maybe hes weakest than he ever been.

Tom, looks like doctors are giving pretty strong stuff to you in US. Here in my town they start with weak things and then upp dosage or try something stronger. Thanks for care and suggestion to stop taking pills.

Well I dont have any side effects you described. (God bless my soul) Yes there can be many side effects but its a very small chance of having them. Like one person from 10000 or so. Only Side effects I have is weight gain and last year had milking breasts(just a little milk). I never really understood words like schizophrenia or bipolar. Would be great if you could explain. The reason why Im on risperidon is because year ago I was thinking about ex a lot. And now when I dont think so much about her they want me to keep using them because Im sitting at PC a lot and they call it schizoid lifestyle. I still do sports so now its better.

Why are you afraid to send a gift? What did friend told you?

[tomcochrane]

I’ve been following this thread for a couple days now, and definitely disagree with the advice pcmaster has given you. Take this as you will, but my thoughts on this are are very different...

This woman is not treating you well at all, and it is unfair to you. If she thought you weren’t over your ex, she should have told you so, listened to whatever response you had to give her, and then decided whether she wanted to stay with you/work through it or to leave you. Instead, she has thrown this “break” at you seemingly in order to torture you, teach you a lesson, and break you so that you know not to step out of line again.

She may not be evil, but she is horribly insecure and insecurity will make one do evil things like this. You don’t deserve it.

I know you feel you love her and I doubt you will believe me when I say her treatment of you is uncalled for and plain shitty… So my second point is this:

Groveling is not attractive.

It’s simply not. Begging for someone to take you back usually pushes them further away. The only type of person who enjoys seeing someone groveling is the one who is trying to teach you a lesson (see above). If she really cares for you and isn’t just trying to punish you, then she is finding it very uncomfortable to read your texts and is thinking less of you every time you do it. It looks pathetic and I’m sure it feels pretty pathetic too.

Your best bet is to leave this be for now. If she is testing you and wants to see you miserable and pathetic, then she’s a bad person and you will be distancing yourself from her with your silence.

But if she just truly needs the time alone until Feb, then you’ll be giving it to her per her wishes. You’ve already said enough. Now your silence can say, “I’ve said my piece and I hope you can forgive me. But I’m the strong, confident person you fell for, so I'm not going to waste my entire life away begging and waiting around." THAT is 1,000 times more attractive than a bunch of apologies.

I haven't been begging, shes already said she's given me a chance, so yes, I've taken that as green and havent said please take me back. I have given her space for weeks. She knows my life story, hence knowing this ex used to be important. The only whining I do is on here, I've given her plenty of space. The reason she wouldn't just accept me saying it is down to her own insecurities, and lack of trust that anyone could fancy her. She kept saying the ex is so beautiful why did you downgrade?
Not the case of course.
So, theres been no begging from me just and explanation of my feelings, I did apologise for texting the ex yes. But have refrained from contacr since, she also called me and said she missed me. Once she gets this thought in her mind that something is true even when not, theres no convincing. Stubborn. She genuinely thinks i need 3 months to get ex out of system, and then she has a free house. Ive got a nice birthday present and card, should i send it dec 10th on her 30th birthday? That would be first contact in a month.
I kmow shell like it but if youve been reading her sis is a social worker and livesmwith her.

[TablesandChairs]

Have you ever been in love? I trust you have. Answer this - when you were in love, could you have spent a whole month away from the one you love over some petty issue? Maybe you might throw a hissy fit and then call apologising within a couple of hours. That would be a normal reaction.

I don't know what her deal is - what I do know is that she's an arsehole and you're suffering. Sorry to be blunt but I'm not going to fluff around with 'oh she's just insecure' or 'oh she's never been in love before' or 'oh she's scared'. Bull. She's a grown woman - she either takes you as you are or she pee's off. This limbo she's put you in is actually evil. I wouldn't do it to an enemy, let alone someone i 'loved'.

They say damaged people tend to find other damaged people...I'm not saying you, as a person, are damaged - I'm saying you were in a shitty/vulnerable predicament when you met her and she was...well, as nuts as she's probably always been, unbeknown to you and invisible to the eyes that are wearing love goggles.

I would forget her until February - that won't really happen but I'd do everything in my power to get better, get a job, possibly look into moving out of home...there are so many goals you need to work on...instead of fixating on this woman and her demands. If you were a complete person - career, money, living independently - do you think you'd care so much? No, you'd have better things to do with your time.

[woody]

Tom,
Woody here. Yes the line of P.C I thought struck a cord was the whole."maybe your attached more to her due to the dark times in your life" something like that.

The warm text I refer to was her last one. She hasn't closed the door. If her sister is living with her now, no wonder she needs you two to wait. Though I wish she would send out a few more.
You've gotten allot of feedback from many sides here.
Now is a time to reflect and take care of yourself first and foremost. Get your head and heart happy again.

Your body is re booting and you must take care of it. Healthy body=healthy mind, heart, soul.
I have tried to see things from your view, her view, the view of romance and all the things people do when wrapped up in it all.
Waiting until February is mild torture. But only the two of you know the real deal here. You have done what you can do; just don't lose sight of what really matters now and that's YOU, getting better. Take care and love yourself and the rest will surely follow.

[tomcochrane]

Have you ever been in love? I trust you have. Answer this - when you were in love, could you have spent a whole month away from the one you love over some petty issue? Maybe you might throw a hissy fit and then call apologising within a couple of hours. That would be a normal reaction.

I don't know what her deal is - what I do know is that she's an arsehole and you're suffering. Sorry to be blunt but I'm not going to fluff around with 'oh she's just insecure' or 'oh she's never been in love before' or 'oh she's scared'. Bull. She's a grown woman - she either takes you as you are or she pee's off. This limbo she's put you in is actually evil. I wouldn't do it to an enemy, let alone someone i 'loved'.

They say damaged people tend to find other damaged people...I'm not saying you, as a person, are damaged - I'm saying you were in a shitty/vulnerable predicament when you met her and she was...well, as nuts as she's probably always been, unbeknown to you and invisible to the eyes that are wearing love goggles.

I would forget her until February - that won't really happen but I'd do everything in my power to get better, get a job, possibly look into moving out of home...there are so many goals you need to work on...instead of fixating on this woman and her demands. If you were a complete person - career, money, living independently - do you think you'd care so much? No, you'd have better things to do with your time.

Yeah I've been in love 3 times before. It was that same feeling, that I'm falling for her. That was the first time she told me that. There's other things coming into play here aswell though

- She always wanted somewhere we could go home to, rather than just spend some time together on the weekend in secret and was worried about future

- I'll have my own place by feb I reckon, and her social worker sister will be out of her house then too

- In this time I can get myself more sorted, Yes she mentioned it too. Then I'll just be an average guy with a job, and will no longer will it be a secret to my past for her sis.

- You say for a petty issue, but her knowing all about this ex was the MOST important love in my life so far and then seeing a text that she read as me making plans with her was a very serious issue in her* eyes, she saw little kisses to her (only out of friendly affection) and reads a lot into these minor things i.e. She thinks that these are only sent to people you love! (Crazy, yes as i send to male friends too)

- She's stubborn and doesn't ever go back on her word. Said she loved me, and I'm perfect for her but wants me 100% devoted to her. She was going to dump me completely over it, then said sort out these problems and I'll be here in Feb when shes out your mind.

-She wants to start a long term relationship with me, but only when all is clear

This is her reasoning, not making excuses for her, because it is crap. I did say to her I have no interest in my Ex but she just couldn't accept it, even said perhaps it was subconsious. I stopped bothering tryjng to convince her, was so frustrating.

Yeah its shit. It is a kind of torture. She told me once to respect her feelings when I said its pointless/cruel. When I do meet her again, I'm really going to say I think it was wrong what you did, and level the playing field, also see if I can deal with her issues. I'll make it clear to her that I won't be putting up with this shit again and that she should believe me about my feelings seeing as she trusted me with a load of stuff that could have got her in heaps of trouble, and that the only reason I went through with it is because I love her and did respect her feelings, though they she was wrong. Thanks for all of your advice it helps a lot to see things from other peoples perspectives. Yes love is blind in that respect, I suppose I accepted thats how she is because things were so great and natural with us and outweighed the bad things. She is a bit nuts yes, but she is also nuts in lots of ways that I like too. She makes me laugh, not many girls do that for me, I find its mostly me that has done that previously.

I'm definitely using this time to sort myself out
Have enough money saved to rent now, just need a job.

Dont contact her but still think I should send the bday present though. Its a lovely gift, and surprise.... is there harm in that?

[woody]

No harm in sending the gift. Post, floral shop, what ever.
T&C has some good points but again, only you and her know all the in's and out's here.

I know I said she could be wounded over the ex thing but I admit, this waiting period (even with the sister issue) seems somewhat odd/over the top.
When you two do get to see each other, just have your wits about you. If you allow anything to have a predicting factor on your healing, you'll be compromising your health. You are a recovering addict and I can't stress enough how important it is for you to focus on your self

Do not give your power away. If this woman breaks your heart, I said 'if' you take a great risk at this fragile stage of your recovery. Don't be a fool.
Remember, if she is a good woman for you, she will not play games. This whole waiting period thing due to the ex and the sister may seem like a good possible reason but you need to know more about it and protect yourself just in case.

Look, of course I hope it all works out. I'm a fan of romance; but not at the expense of a fragile heart. Just be careful...

[tomcochrane]

No harm in sending the gift. Post, floral shop, what ever.
T&C has some good points but again, only you and her know all the in's and out's here.

I know I said she could be wounded over the ex thing but I admit, this waiting period (even with the sister issue) seems somewhat odd/over the top.
When you two do get to see each other, just have your wits about you. If you allow anything to have a predicting factor on your healing, you'll be compromising your health. You are a recovering addict and I can't stress enough how important it is for you to focus on your self

Do not give your power away. If this woman breaks your heart, I said 'if' you take a great risk at this fragile stage of your recovery. Don't be a fool.
Remember, if she is a good woman for you, she will not play games. This whole waiting period thing due to the ex and the sister may seem like a good possible reason but you need to know more about it and protect yourself just in case.

Look, of course I hope it all works out. I'm a fan of romance; but not at the expense of a fragile heart. Just be careful...

Well said. There are a LOT of ins and outs I am not a game player, and will make that very clear to her. I think in the heat of the moment other than initially dumping me, as she didn't want to that was her solution. Even though she broke her own contact rule when she said she missed me blah blah her stubborness will follow it through, and she won't want to give in even if she wants to talk to me etc. I tell it how it is and am reasonable, but won't be messed about with. Going to make it clear to her that I am still that strong confident person, and I followed through with this only because I found something with her, i'm a romantic, I know how to make her very happy in that regard, she gets really impressed with it, as no one did it for her before and even asked me to teach her it haha. Though romantic I won't be a pushover.
The only quarm I have about sending the gift is that I'll be doing it without her permission as I googled her address and I don't know what she has told her sis. Hopefully the gift will impress her and override anything else...but I can only speculate on that..,hmmm.


I think a big aspect of it is that she wants to be completely sure of every issue, she is a perfectionist her most used saying is 'there is always room for improvement' and has never entered into something as serious as this (just going on what she said about me being perfect for her, the first person she's told she loved, trusted, felt more comfortable than anyone else and wanted to have a future with).

About her sister, it is her allie; she tells her everything and felt SO bad about lying to her when we were staying in a hotel room, after driving to do a work assessment that she could have easily drove there and back in one day - she said she was alone. That kinda proved that I mean a lot to her to do that. So god knows what she has said about me if anything.... being from Poland it is her only family relative in the UK hence worried about questions arising about present to her. Don't want to be accused of not using common sense when sending to her house, risk I got to take I suppose. She also has only one friend! A lady in her mid 40s who she meets for the occassional glass of wine. She keeps people at arms length, due to trust issues and to avoid getting hurt. The excuse she uses is saying shes independant and doesn't need men, but shes an *extremely* emotional person and underneath it craves love and affection and I broke through her shield and it resulted in her doing things shes never done before. She has to surer than sure to be with someone, informing me once that if we ever split it would probably take me two weeks to get over, and two years for her! I re-assured her a lot that I wouldn't ever hurt her, thats why the misunderstanding hit her so darn hard making her think she wasnt good enough for me.

I Refuse to let it ruin my recovery, I'll take things gentle, send the gift, make sure she is completely comfortable and feels safe then get inside her heart for the 3rd time (!) and if things don't work out in the end then turns out she wasn't the girl for me.