The steely exterior ex-GF's put up after a break up

[Moe]

Dude you have to take the bull by the horns and get over it
.
My relationship wasn't much different, after 3 years she up and left I thought she was the most perfect women in the world, she could have gotten an academy award.

She broke up with me then called and text all the time even after me asking her to stop. Then her B/F started all types of stories about me that were all lies. Her friends who I never met because she moved around so much now have called me telling me all these stories about her. She was married like four times with other relationships in between. Mine now lives with an unemployed Crackhead with her three kids, that's smart.

Look at it this way they stuck it out with you because they knew you were a good guy, she knew no one else would treat her like this.
Mine even tried to come back after all this and I had to be mean and rude, I never wanted to get to the point of hating her but now I do.
Sucks but you get over them.

My 4.5 year relationship was a complete joke.

What a day it's been. Not only did I get to hear all the dirt on my ex-'s new trainer boyfriend from his ex-fiance, I got the mother of all text messages from my ex's former roommate.

Apparently while we were together she slept with a guy she swore up and down was "only a friend" ........ a guy I always had suspicions about. Her ex- roommate told me she was tired of keeping it a secret, that I should know.

So let's recount the massacre. My ex- leaves me for a man 12 years her elder (40 years old), a man who's got a felony and can't even lease an apartment in his own name, a man who's a dead beat dad and doesn't pay child support (wow you'd think that would be undesirable given that her father flew the coup when she was a child), a man who runs a joke of a fitness training operation ....... I mean he can't even make the payments on the closet sized space he leases at the gym I train at, it was his ex-fiance who used to take care of all of it. Oh and by the way, the man has a fetish for wearing woman's clothing and you guessed it - likes to be ummmmm let's just say "treated like a woman" ............and guess what? He's still calling his ex-fiance every day telling her he misses her, that he loves her, that my ex- doesn't really do it for him ...........

Apparently my ex- was so brainwashed by the "competitive fitness" crap that she felt out of place because she was the only girl among the group that wasn't dating a guy involved in their program. The sick part is at one time the trainer (when he was still with his fiance) was actively trying to hook her up with a married guy who trained with them. Again, this trainer who I thanked every single day for getting my girlfriend back in shape and feeling good about herself. What's ironic is as much as she lusted over him, she'd tell the trainer and his ex-fiance that she could "never cheat on me" ..... Ha, what a laugh. Not cheat on me? Apparently she forgot about her good buddy.

My heart........ my trust.......... my world is in shambles right now, not going to lie. I swore up and down for years that after what I had been thru at 18 and 20, that I couldn't trust women. It's amazing I got to the point I did wit her given my experiences and then when I let my guard down - it happened again. My previous two relationships both did this to me. This has just gotten worse and worse and worse. I had been debating the past 3 days whether to respond to that nice text message she left me on Saturday and then all of this sudden this information comes raining down on me.

I can never get my 4.5 years back ..........never ..........I don't get to be 25 again with plenty of time to feel things out. I get to be 30, one month away from 31, and having to pick up these kinds of pieces. This was why I dragged my feet with her. This is why I never had her move in. It was my gut telling me all along something wasn't right about this chick and yet she back-doored her way into my life, my well-guarded love, and my emotions.

[cmacattack1]

I wish just saying "Get Over It" would make things better for you. Obviously you can't help how you feel and that it's not that simple. Your ex and her trainer aren't going to last. It's only a matter of time before that ticking time bomb goes off and she'll be back at your feet talking about how it was a mistake, put on her sweet act and to give her another chance. You can SEE this coming. So I hope you are prepared for when it's going to happen. I think you got enough ammunition and hurt to really shake her up and kick her while she's down. It's up to you if you want to go that route, as she really deserves it. She needs some reality stapled to her forehead right now but I guess you can decide if you want it to be you, or just quietly and peacefully tell her that you do not want her anymore.

Not all girls are like that. It makes me appreciate everything I had before with my ex all the more. I'm sorry it had to happen like this.

I don't want to be accusatory here or kick you while you are down, but it's happened to you three times. There has to be something you are missing here and in your past relationships, as you are the common denominator in all of these mishaps. Did you just write off each relationship as saying "She's crazy, I did everything I could?" I just don't want to see it happen to you again. I know women your age are going to be more mature but still.

[lhn]

Damn. 'TimeToGrowUp... that is some tough stuff to deal with. Interesting you decided to have 'the convo' with the trainers ex-fiance. I was trying to decide whether I would walk that road if I was given that proposition. Big decision. Out of interest, are you happy you did? I mean, you know you were dealing with a right piece of work now huh? Easier to move on?

I feel so sorry for you its ridiculous. You seem to have been put through a complete shitstorm of emotions.
Now I know everyone has a second side to the story but I am a firm believer that there is absolutely no excuse to cheat on someone. That includes alcohol/drugs etc. Trust is the be-all and end-all of a relationship and if that isn't prevalent, then it just wont last.

How do you feel towards her now?

[TimeToGrowUp]

We are not all like this... I promise. Shit. I wish I could buy you a beer or something.

Remember, breathing is good. I hope you are not planning to do something silly like try to contact your ex while you're in this state. Or slash her tires.

Please, keep us updated.

Last night I felt like raging on her and breaking open that trainer's skull......... instead I went to meet up with some buddies.

It's hard to ALWAYS take the high road. Been doing it all my life. With this kind of stuff it kind of comes down to: If you back a dog into corner, eventually he's going to bite. I'm trying hard not to bite. Make sense?

[TimeToGrowUp]

Look at it this way they stuck it out with you because they knew you were a good guy, she knew no one else would treat her like this.
Mine even tried to come back after all this and I had to be mean and rude, I never wanted to get to the point of hating her but now I do.
Sucks but you get over them.

It's disappointing that now I have to hate her. I never wanted to ever look back and remember her in the same vein of my two former serious girlfriends who both cheated on me. I suppose it'll speed up the process of moving on though.

In looking back at that text message she sent from Saturday - the guilt is setting in........and so is the reality of the situation.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I wish just saying "Get Over It" would make things better for you. Obviously you can't help how you feel and that it's not that simple. Your ex and her trainer aren't going to last. It's only a matter of time before that ticking time bomb goes off and she'll be back at your feet talking about how it was a mistake, put on her sweet act and to give her another chance. You can SEE this coming. So I hope you are prepared for when it's going to happen. I think you got enough ammunition and hurt to really shake her up and kick her while she's down. It's up to you if you want to go that route, as she really deserves it. She needs some reality stapled to her forehead right now but I guess you can decide if you want it to be you, or just quietly and peacefully tell her that you do not want her anymore.

Not all girls are like that. It makes me appreciate everything I had before with my ex all the more. I'm sorry it had to happen like this.

I don't want to be accusatory here or kick you while you are down, but it's happened to you three times. There has to be something you are missing here and in your past relationships, as you are the common denominator in all of these mishaps. Did you just write off each relationship as saying "She's crazy, I did everything I could?" I just don't want to see it happen to you again. I know women your age are going to be more mature but still.

Well I think she was already feeling me out in that process with her unexpected text message on Saturday. With this though, she didn't just break trust: SHE DESTROYED IT. There's no going back. This is the unforgivable. Deep down I never forgave the way she treated our brief separation after the first two years when I sat her down and told her I didn't know where all of the relationship was going. To cope, she started sleeping with a guy who had a girlfriend and was out doing ecstasy every weekend. So imagine how I could never forgive these transgressions.

You know what one of those most stand out common factors is? Major dysfunctional family backgrounds. I always felt bad that I judged her on hers, I mean some of those things are out of her control. But at the same time it's been the same story .........so that's one place to start.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Damn. 'TimeToGrowUp... that is some tough stuff to deal with. Interesting you decided to have 'the convo' with the trainers ex-fiance. I was trying to decide whether I would walk that road if I was given that proposition. Big decision. Out of interest, are you happy you did? I mean, you know you were dealing with a right piece of work now huh? Easier to move on?

I feel so sorry for you its ridiculous. You seem to have been put through a complete shitstorm of emotions.
Now I know everyone has a second side to the story but I am a firm believer that there is absolutely no excuse to cheat on someone. That includes alcohol/drugs etc. Trust is the be-all and end-all of a relationship and if that isn't prevalent, then it just wont last.

How do you feel towards her now?

I'm sickened. I'm sickened that she could shat all over the relationship like this and had the gull to project all the problems of the relationship onto me. I apologized for everything. I'm also sickened that I have to hate her now.

I'm glad I had the conversation with the ex-fiance because she gave me insight on what my ex- was like during all those times she was away from me training. She was with that group 24/7. It reminded me of how much of a conformist my ex- really was. Her life is ripe with fall out after fall out with friends. I was always taken back by that. And yet, she'd always find some new group to latch onto - not in a normal way though. She always conformed. Like a square peg making herself round to try to be who they were. This training thing is no different.

[cmacattack1]

Seeing your ex for their flaws is a huge step in helping your understanding and your healing. If you can see them for what they are and still love them, that's an indicator of how strong your feelings are. My ex made some mistakes and had a very different view of love and relationships, but ultimately needed to grow up and be less insecure like me. We both were young and naive and growing from this, I still have feelings for her.

You on the other hand have a whole different story. Yeah, she really dicked you around and you are "forced to hate her". If that helps you get past this, by all means, use it. You are going to be angry hurt and terribly upset right now. Hopefully after a while you can find it in your heart to forgive her and try and understand everything that she is. I really feel like that's important because all this anger is just going to raise your blood pressure and shorten your life span by increasing your chance of an aneurysm.

I only say this because I really believe that people can change. The word unforgiveable stuck out in your post to me because my ex used the same exact word to me last time we talked. I know that our experience has helped me grow as a person and I want the same to happen to you. By all means be angry now, and I'm not saying give her a second chance. But keep that understanding open in the future. Grow from this, make it as positive an experience as you can...

[TimeToGrowUp]

Seeing your ex for their flaws is a huge step in helping your understanding and your healing. If you can see them for what they are and still love them, that's an indicator of how strong your feelings are. My ex made some mistakes and had a very different view of love and relationships, but ultimately needed to grow up and be less insecure like me. We both were young and naive and growing from this, I still have feelings for her.

You on the other hand have a whole different story. Yeah, she really dicked you around and you are "forced to hate her". If that helps you get past this, by all means, use it. You are going to be angry hurt and terribly upset right now. Hopefully after a while you can find it in your heart to forgive her and try and understand everything that she is. I really feel like that's important because all this anger is just going to raise your blood pressure and shorten your life span by increasing your chance of an aneurysm.

I only say this because I really believe that people can change. The word unforgiveable stuck out in your post to me because my ex used the same exact word to me last time we talked. I know that our experience has helped me grow as a person and I want the same to happen to you. By all means be angry now, and I'm not saying give her a second chance. But keep that understanding open in the future. Grow from this, make it as positive an experience as you can...

I got ya man.

For her to be happy, other people have to make her happy. She does not make it her own responsibility. She's a very insecure individual looking for a fix. She always knew that I knew who I was as a person. She on the other hand was a wavering, insecure conformist.

[TimeToGrowUp]

She just texted again believe it or not............

[cmacattack1]

You are making me waste a post asking what it said...

[TimeToGrowUp]

You are making me waste a post asking what it said...

Last time it was just a drive by statement. This time it's a "Hey how are you?" ...

I admit, I had to take a Xanax from all this crap today. I gotta say, at the moment, I am mildly curious what absolute BS she has to say to me, if any. I may just reply "I'm awesome."

There's trouble brewing though between her and her trainer. There is regret there, especially on his part. I'm sure the guilt it really setting in for her. I mean he's been texting his ex-fiance nonstop. The ex-fiance has been keeping me in the loop with everything.

[cmacattack1]

I can't tell you how helpful that must be to have some insight on your ex's new relationship and be able to pretty much predict your ex's next move.

The ball is rolling back to you, she's trying to contact you, you are getting that upperhand back. Should be a good feeling right? Too bad I know you are feeling shitty about it still.

You probably have all the potential reactions running through your head right now? I'm great. **** you. Don't talk to me. *no response*. I think that no response at all would definately give her that alone feeling.

If you do decide to respond, keep it to one or two word answers and maybe even wait a day or two to respond. I've read that in a book called "How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back", some serious mind games like you are busy and you aren't thinking about them. Not something I really believe in, but found some useful insight in it.

[TimeToGrowUp]

I can't tell you how helpful that must be to have some insight on your ex's new relationship and be able to pretty much predict your ex's next move.

The ball is rolling back to you, she's trying to contact you, you are getting that upperhand back. Should be a good feeling right? Too bad I know you are feeling shitty about it still.

You probably have all the potential reactions running through your head right now? I'm great. **** you. Don't talk to me. *no response*. I think that no response at all would definately give her that alone feeling.

If you do decide to respond, keep it to one or two word answers and maybe even wait a day or two to respond. I've read that in a book called "How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back", some serious mind games like you are busy and you aren't thinking about them. Not something I really believe in, but found some useful insight in it.

It's a good feeling in some weird twisted way, but at the same time I've opened up pandora's box on what this chick was doing and acting like behind my back.....only to put up the "I love you front" with me. She has serious issues with men, SERIOUS. She places her self importance and feelings of need with sex.

Even getting her back is without merit because she needs to get help and she's not mature enough to do it on her own. She'll continue to run around pretend it's everyone else's fault. All the friends that no longer talk to her, me, every failed interpersonal relationship - it's all their fault.

I mean I can't lie, I miss the loving sweet side that I thought I'd permanently get, but man ..... this crap just runs deep.....deeper than I ever expected.

I waited about 2.5 hours then replied "Never better" ........she replied right away and her simple response was "Well I was just wondering how you were" ..........typical stubborn response. I'm sure that was it, right.........

The question remains, do I blast her with everything I now know?

[cmacattack1]

You've always taken the high road. Go with your gut.

If she ever got into a relationship talk with you, I'd say that's a pretty fair green light. That is, she kept contacting you and you brought it up, not you just bringing it up out of nowhere.

Take everything she says as it is, minimal responses (one word literally) and she'll lose her patience and want to dive in. Guarenteed. I wouldn't even say "Never Better" I'd just be like "Good". You are a different person though. Be cool, be patient, hold that poker face until she folds.