Infidelity of a parent

[starbuck]

The dad in this situation must have an *inkling* that something is going on already. I don't think people are that oblivious when it comes to infidelities. Long hours on the computer...unexplained outings...chances are he knows something is going on.

I'm actually torn about how I feel on the matter of whether the son should tell or not. Part of me feels like the father has a right to know since he's *potentially* being exposed to STDs due to his wife's behavior. And another part of me can see more benefit in having the whole thing come to light organically, between the two adults in question, and thus, having less drama surround the situation when the son butts in.

By the way, I would be PISSED if a family member hacked into my email and looked at my private conversations. Just because the mother is cheating doesn't mean she deserves to have her privacy completely violated. Cheating is immoral. Hacking into someone's email is immoral AND illegal. I think the son should be feel ashamed of himself for snooping.

[lovemuffin]

Meh, talk to me when you have a long-term marriage under your belt.

how long have you been married?

I've never been married. The longest relationship I've had was 4 years and it was pretty much a live-in situation and felt like a marriage. I am very cold feet about marriage because of all the bad marriage stories I've heard. Not sure I would do more than live with someone again.

[lovemuffin]

The dad in this situation must have an *inkling* that something is going on already. I don't think people are that oblivious when it comes to infidelities. Long hours on the computer...unexplained outings...chances are he knows something is going on.

I'm actually torn about how I feel on the matter of whether the son should tell or not. Part of me feels like the father has a right to know since he's *potentially* being exposed to STDs due to his wife's behavior. And another part of me can see more benefit in having the whole thing come to light organically, between the two adults in question, and thus, having less drama surround the situation when the son butts in.

By the way, I would be PISSED if a family member hacked into my email and looked at my private conversations. Just because the mother is cheating doesn't mean she deserves to have her privacy completely violated. Cheating is immoral. Hacking into someone's email is immoral AND illegal. I think the son should be feel ashamed of himself for snooping.

So because the father might have an inkling, even though I've read many people don't even after years of infidelity, that somehow makes it ok or puts the owness on him?

My ex was having an email affair and talking about establisihg a life with another woman while carrying on the same with me. I had feelings something was off, but there was absolutely no proof of anything since he was with me every free chance he had. This is what started to make me feel crazy and why I would get really angry at him for no reason a lot of the time and not know why. It's mind games.. particularly with a gaslighter ...someone who when confronted tries to turn the situation on the other person by telling them they're paranoid, insecure and it's all in their head which is what my ex did. Not saying all who cheat also gaslight, but it's a diseased way of living no matter how you cut it.

[misombra]

I've never been married. The longest relationship I've had was 4 years and it was pretty much a live-in situation and felt like a marriage. I am very cold feet about marriage because of all the bad marriage stories I've heard. Not sure I would do more than live with someone again.

mmhmmm and how many children do you have?

[IndiReloaded]

i don't walk on eggshells. lollipop land is a place where everybody is honest and everybody appreciates honesty and people don't cheat or lie.

Also known as a REAL marriage.

No, muffin, you are just clueless about this, sorry. How many long-term married couples do you actually know & have had a *frank* conversation about their relationship with?

I can absolutely guarantee that anyone who has been together longer than approx 10 years has dealt with some kind of issue of this sort. Not always cheating, perhaps its lies (there are levels), or work habits, spending, family issues... all kinds of situations where absolute honesty might actually cause MORE harm than good.

None of us oldies here are saying honesty is bad. We are simply saying that it is a tool that needs to be wielded wisely. There is a time & place for such things. And, since situations are almost always more complex than they might appear, having some patience and taking the time to assess and think about a situation for a while (i.e. keeping your mouth shut) is usually better than blithely sticking one's nose into something. Especially if the situation doesn't *directly* involve you. Often, and I am speaking from experience here, during that time of reflection the problem will often get resolved without your input. This is good for a number of reasons.

I know LOTS of folks who regret sticking their nose into something b/c they acted on some principle without really thinking through the possible outcomes of their taking action (Miso's example). But, in contrast, I don't know *anyone* who regrets taking the time to assess a situation and plan what they should (or shouldn't) do. If in doubt, wait & think.

Principles are merely *guides* to help you in certain situations. They are not universally applicable and shouldn't be followed blindly. You have a brain, make use of it.

Just like with all other problems. If you see something is wrong, you take steps to fix it instead of ignoring it hoping the problem will go away.

Mish, some problems DO resolve on their own with time. It depends on the situation and the people involved. And, I'd like to point out that, by always pointing out problems to others you take away their opportunity to see something for themselves. That can be a VERY powerful learning process, Mish. You remind me of the parent who would do their kids homework for them, rather than letting them struggle through a difficult problem & enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with developing the strategy & discipline of doing it themselves.

Also, not all problems are created equal. Pick your battles Mish, and trust that other people want (and are able) to solve things for themselves, at least sometimes.

And yes, sometimes people cheat and figure out *on their own* that it was wrong & never do it again. We've even had a few posters on here like this.

[Gigabitch]

The way I see it, she's cheating on all of them, not just her husband.

[IndiReloaded]

Sure Gig, I see it that way too. In fact, I'd probably burn to say something about it as well. But...

[Gigabitch]

I wouldn't say anything about it to dad, but I'd sure have one hell of a lot to say to her.

[misombra]

i would take it as the normal thing to do and do it myself.

[Mish]

Mish, some problems DO resolve on their own with time.

And cheating is not one of them. Even if the person does learn not to do it on their own (which is not that common) how do you reconcile this filthy act of betrayal? How can you even begin to ever trust someone like that again? Especially someone who didn't have the guts to come clean on their own. For me the end does not justify the means. There is no turning a blind eye to someone who spreads diseases and betrays their own family for their selfish pleasure in my book. Sorry, we will not see eye to eye on this.

[starbuck]

So because the father might have an inkling, even though I've read many people don't even after years of infidelity, that somehow makes it ok or puts the owness on him

Nope I wasn't saying that at all. You're inferring that from my statement. You didn't read the part of my post where I said I thought cheating was morally wrong.

What I meant is, that maybe the father knows and wants to handle the situation privately. Maybe having his son involved would be embarrassing to him. There's a reason it's called a "private life."

I don't think there's a clear cut answer here. I think the OP knows his own family well enough to gauge their responses should he decide to air his mom's dirty laundry.

[lastwish]

You should talk to your mom privately about this. Don't tell your dad yet. And definitely don't tell other people other than your parents. Don't feed the rumour mill.

[Aeradalia]

I only read a few posts... and skipped to the end...

But this is my idea of the situation... when two people are in disagreement or fighting, and you interfere... they will tend to join forces and team up against you. For all you know, your mother and father could be having a 'cold war' and for you to sound the alarm, you may bring their frustrations and wrath on yourself.

So you have to look to see what is there to gain from this?

If you tell you father:

(a) and he doesn't know - he will be forced to confront her to save face and this could lead to divorce.

(b) and he does now - he may either confront her openly - leading to divorce OR try to silence you and add more to your restless consience.

If you tell your mother:

(a) and she knows you father doesn't know - she may try to silence you OR be guilted to tell your father - which could lead to divorce

(b) and she knows your father knows - she may try to silence you so that things can go back to 'normal' OR she may feel she needs to be open about this, and may unwittingly force him to have to take action and divorce her.

If they divorce, then life as you know it will be in turmoil for however long it takes for both parents to recover.

- your interference in their relationship may be tied to being a major factor in their divorce... and your relationship with your mother may be strained to a breaking point... possibly even with your father.


So you risk a lot of damage to life as you know it by being confrontational. Yes, cheating is wrong... but it's up to the cheater to confess --- not for you to force a confession out of them or to confess for them. If you father chooses to ignore her infidelity, then that's his right --- as foolish as it may seem.

There is also the possiblity that there is nothing wrong with your parents' relationships... perhaps they've embraced a form of 'openness' or have some silent agreement (aka. one cheated and now the other is allowed to... or... your father has become impotent).

Also, if you approach your mother with this information... then you'll have to suffer the consequences of violating her privacy... along with how she'll react to your accusations.


The only outcomes possible from your interference is divorce, hard feelings between you and your mother (and possibly father), or humiliation for making assumptions (it wasn't cheating but something else... etc.).

So it's up to you to make the assessment and decide which outcome you favor more... or just let it go.

[IndiReloaded]

So, any of you able to think of a way to bring up the subject without making an open accusation?

Here was my initial suggestion on the subject:

I do think that you could hint to your mom that you know the scoop. You could invite her to discuss with you, or simply ask her how things are going with dad. Take your cue from her. If its no go for discussion, then MYOB would apply.

What I don't understand is the 'all or nothing' attitude. Life just isn't that black & white. Shrug.

[Yggdrasil]

I only read a few posts... and skipped to the end... But this is my idea of the situation... etc etc etc

Hmm. didn't I say something similar in an earlier post?

You are in a complex situation. This is morals and values vs family. It's one of those dang if you do it, dang if you don't do it situations.

The conflict resides here: if you're going to let this out of the closeth (make it public) crap is gona hit the fan and it's probably gona end up in a divorce. If you don't let it out of the closeth, sooner or later your mom is gona take off or your dad is gona find out and it's most likely gona end up with a divorce. Either way, the end result is the same.

Other things to consider: if you bring it in the open, chances are good that one or even both parents will blame you for doing so, thus puting guilt and shame on you.

There is really no right or wrong here, just consequenses and delaying the unavoidable.

I would suggest to talk to a counselor or social worker or so about this before you do anything drastical.

It may be a good idea to keep all those logs in a safe place, and keep a backup copy somewhere else (preferably outside the house).

Hey, yes I did.