Men with kids

[IndiReloaded]

I do know my son is happier..If i had stayed with his father there would be tension in the house, as what he did was unforgiveable and there is no way i would be able to 'suck it up' successfully.(oh and by unforgiveable i mean unforgiveable- im not just over reacting and being 'immature')

So what did he do? Cheat on you? LOL, that would not be enough to make me get divorced. Not if he was a good parent. I'd tell him to be discreet and keep it from the kids. I would indeed suck it up & I'm pretty sure Vash thinks the same. Of course, that attitude tends to select for men who don't want to stray in the first place.

Yes, our relationship would change and yes, there would be a reckoning once the kids were grown up, but that is precisely one of the things that would NOT be a deal-breaker for me. My ego could take a cheating husband for the sake of my kids, LOL.

Of course, if you aren't married, then its a whole different can of worms. Unmarried with a child, and an immature guy means only minimal (or no) security for your family. This is why I would never recommend a woman get pregnant without that "I do" first (sorry Mis). There are few exceptions to this I can think of, except being independently wealthy whereby the guy could make a claim against your estate in the event of a divorce. Tho that's not really fair to the father. Marriage and commitment should go both ways.

[qwertz]

So what did he do? Cheat on you? LOL, that would not be enough to make me get divorced. Not if he was a good parent. I'd tell him to be discreet and keep it from the kids. I would indeed suck it up & I'm pretty sure Vash thinks the same. Of course, that attitude tends to select for men who don't want to stray in the first place.

Yes, our relationship would change and yes, there would be a reckoning once the kids were grown up, but that is precisely one of the things that would NOT be a deal-breaker for me. My ego could take a cheating husband for the sake of my kids, LOL.

Of course, if you aren't married, then its a whole different can of worms. Unmarried with a child, and an immature guy means only minimal (or no) security for your family. This is why I would never recommend a woman get pregnant without that "I do" first (sorry Mis). There are few exceptions to this I can think of, except being independently wealthy whereby the guy could make a claim against your estate in the event of a divorce. Tho that's not really fair to the father. Marriage and commitment should go both ways.

Im not prepared to say what he did on here, but he didnt cheat on me or do anything like that.

I wasnt married and am glad that i wasnt as it wouldve made things much more complicated.

You seem to have a preconceived idea that single parent= no security.
Obviously in some cases that is the case with a single income etc, but it is not always the case.
I may be young(22, i had my son at 19) and apparently immature, but i own my own house and have a good job with great career prospects, and i know that i can ensure my son is stable emotionally and secure financially.

[misombra]

So what did he do? Cheat on you? LOL, that would not be enough to make me get divorced. Not if he was a good parent. I'd tell him to be discreet and keep it from the kids. I would indeed suck it up & I'm pretty sure Vash thinks the same. Of course, that attitude tends to select for men who don't want to stray in the first place.

Yes, our relationship would change and yes, there would be a reckoning once the kids were grown up, but that is precisely one of the things that would NOT be a deal-breaker for me. My ego could take a cheating husband for the sake of my kids, LOL.

Of course, if you aren't married, then its a whole different can of worms. Unmarried with a child, and an immature guy means only minimal (or no) security for your family. This is why I would never recommend a woman get pregnant without that "I do" first (sorry Mis). There are few exceptions to this I can think of, except being independently wealthy whereby the guy could make a claim against your estate in the event of a divorce. Tho that's not really fair to the father. Marriage and commitment should go both ways.

i agree of course that a child is better off in a two parent household. but i do not agree that marriage provides security for that. we've had this discussion a million times before. my parents were married and i still grew up (all of my life) with a single parent and an absent father. my security comes in other ways. i know gay people who are not married yet they provide a two parent household for their household, and they are not allowed to marry. for some people marriage is security, for me security and commitment is in my heart and in his and that is all i need. we both grew up in broken homes and know how devastating and painful it is and neither of us want it for our kid(s).

[IndiReloaded]

You seem to have a preconceived idea that single parent= no security.
Obviously in some cases that is the case with a single income etc, but it is not always the case.

I may be young(22, i had my son at 19) and apparently immature, but i own my own house and have a good job with great career prospects, and i know that i can ensure my son is stable emotionally and secure financially.

As I said, there are exceptions. But by and large, children growing up with single parents (esp their mom's) tend to live in lower income homes, I think at least 1/3 less was the numbers I read.

My comments are general Q. The data is what it is. If you are doing better than the norm, then be proud. If you are not, this is what I meant by having to work a bit harder at it.

But re: security consider even your recent nutcase at work situation. You don't deny that if you were married, even if your relationship was somewhat difficult, that that creep would probably not be bothering you. Or what if you were to get very ill and your son's father was remarried w/his own kids? In general, there IS more security for the children in a family with two parents. As my own son once joked: if one of his parents were to die (kids do think about this stuff, on occasion) he's got 'good backup'. LOL.

This is less advice for you than thoughts for those out there maybe considering a split b/c of some relatively minor inconvenience. Generally, from the kids sake its just not worth it. IMO.

[qwertz]

Lol, what has beeing bothered by the creep got to do with anything?

If anything happened to me, i know his dad would be there 100% for him, he is a great dad and would not make any difference to him if he was married as to whether my son would be well looked after.

[IndiReloaded]

Lol, what has beeing bothered by the creep got to do with anything?

I already said: he would not likely be bothering you if you were married and had a man around the house. So, from a security viewpoint, that could be an improvement.

Don't confuse that with my saying what that creep did is okay, its not. But it doesn't change my (likely) point of fact.

As for your second point, again, that is great to have backup but you said your son only sees his dad on weekends. So there would be stress associated with him going to live with his dad 24/7.

[qwertz]

Yes he sees his dad every weekend, and yes there would be stress if he had to go there full time, the same as there would be stress to any child if a parent was seriously ill or died(they being the only reasons he would live with his dad full time)

[IndiReloaded]

Sure, but there's a big difference in the stress caused to a child from the death of a parent in a stable two-parent home and one that is already stressed from a divorce, living with a single parent, etc.

In the first case, my son (for example) would have the comfort of his home, family, and remaining parent for comfort. In your case, your son would have to cope with loss of his parent AND his entire world being turned upside down.

I'm amazed you can't see this very important difference.

[qwertz]

Ive been that child to lose everything in one go, i know how it feels from that perspective.
All im saying is that my son is used to spending alot of time with his dad, so living with him full time after losing his mum, is not such a massive thing.

edit: im not saying it wouldnt be easier if a 2 parent (genuine loving) household

[IndiReloaded]

Well, with luck your son will never need to go through what you did. It was a hypothetical example.

As I said, this is more to make those with a choice to think. IMO, most people who split do not spend nearly enough time considering ALL possibilities. Your situation is what it is, and you are making the best of it, Q. All you can do.

[moonfairy_2002]

Another thing that occurs to me: most 25 year old men aren't single fathers, given that the median age for marrying these days is something like 28.5. Are you looking to date older men? Why? Just wondering. Stick to guys your age: problem solved.

Actually he's 22. And the problem is most men I run into are single fathers!! Its hard for me to find a man that doesnt have kids! Although your statistics on marriage is correct, that doesnt stop them from having sex before marriage.

[moonfairy_2002]

Trust me....hormones are extremely unpredictable in pregnancy. One minute, I am happy...next minute annoyed...next minute bawling my eyes out....then pissed at the world.....then sad again...then happy.

As for the situation with this guy, in reality, his choosing his kids over his relationships does actually show responsibility. Sure, I understand the need for attention, I think alot of women like affection from their man, but to expect to be top priority over the kids is just a fantasy. I think when you have your own kids you get a better understanding of compromise and sacrifice...but that's just my opinion.

I did ask him if she left him because of her hormones and he said no cause she's still with another man.

Somehow everything I post on here is being twisted as ME being needy, selfish, high maintenance, etc. Instead of anyone blinking an eye at the guys behavior. If I were to say that I was dating a guy that hardly if ever spends time with me and regularly breaks dates, all of you would be saying that I could do better or I should dump him. But since this guy has a kid, it makes me needy. WHAT THE HELL!!!

First of all I'm very independent and only like seeing a boyfriend 1-2 times a week, if that.

Secondly it turns out that this guy cant keep a woman to save his life!! He is incapable of making time to put in the work to have a relationship with someone.

I'm not stupid! I dont expect someone to put me over their child. I'm not arguing over prioritizing. But just like one makes time to spend at work, go to school, play with their kids, hang with their friends, if you want to build a relationship with someone you have to make time for them and be capable of putting effort into it!

'NUFF SAID!