Wife sends me a text message about sex????

[Sonrisa]

ok, this thread is officially over.

[Mish]

I am not understanding why this is so "Herculean" for her. She's the one who is fine about not having sex, and the one who claims to never think about sex.

Some people are like that, they have low sex drive and they can go for years without wanting or needing to have sex. For them that's absolutely normal and asking them for sex would be annoying in the best case, at worst case threatening. I've been with someone like that before and I didn't like it. I couldn't see myself spending my life with a person who is threatened by something that was important to me. It sounds like you are in the same boat.

In the end it was your mistake for marrying someone like that. Now you can either accept it and put up with it or leave.

[Indignant]

Some people are like that, they have low sex drive and they can go for years without wanting or needing to have sex. For them that's absolutely normal and asking them for sex would be annoying in the best case, at worst case threatening. I've been with someone like that before and I didn't like it. I couldn't see myself spending my life with a person who is threatened by something that was important to me. It sounds like you are in the same boat.

In the end it was your mistake for marrying someone like that. Now you can either accept it and put up with it or leave.

i totally disagree with it. with the right degree of attraction a woman would not turn you down. is there a chance that she wasn't really attracted to you?

[IndiReloaded]

Do this! You can get your sex life back. I have new hope because she brought it up last week. I never expected her to do that. It's like she cracked open the door that's been slammed shut for years. All you have to do is open it all the way.

I agree with this^, with a big BUT.

She's expecting the 'same old' response from you. You don't understand anything about her motives for her text. I think it could be good for you to not immediately bite on her lure. If you mention it at all, do it obliquely, and put the ball back in her court. Don't be willing to take the initiative on the sex issue.

The reason for my opinion is that you two obviously have some communication issues or you wouldn't be where you are today. I would hold my position until some new rules have been established. While its certainly possible to do this on your own, I think counselling is a good venue for this. Its the only way you will see productive problem solving, IMO. Its that old, famous Confucius quote:

If you do not change the direction in which you are going, you will end up where you are headed.

[Mish]

i totally disagree with it. with the right degree of attraction a woman would not turn you down. is there a chance that she wasn't really attracted to you?

She was really attracted to me, but her sex drive was low. It was low in EVERY single relationship she was in, as she reported she never had the urge to have sex more than once in a couple of months regardless of who she was with. Everyone's biological makeup is different, I think it's pretty silly to assume it's the same for everyone.

[cmacattack1]

Admitting the problem and actually doing something about it are two very different things. I noticed that when you left her before, was when you noticed some serious change on her part and that is why alot of people will always recommend that you split. When we are apart for a while, it is also easier to notice a change because more time has passed. Being in a relationship with her and with her every day, I'm sure the changes are too gradual or too far between to notice.

You are married though and I applaud your effort for certainly giving this a shot. I just hope you have enough left in the tank to keep going before too much of it's gone to no return. You sound like you have reached your wits end and what is keeping you going is your belief in what the institution of marriage symbolizes to you.

I've considered many of the scenarios here and most of them do seem pretty plausible. Some people do believe that marriage does not mean happiness and I can certainly attest to that. Some people see it as something we need to do almost like it's a chore. It's been years of unhappiness so it is very possible. Her resistance to changes in the past do show her stubborn side. I've used plenty of lines such as "I'm not a good communicator? I'll try but I'm not promising anything." That bought me maybe a couple more weeks with minimal effort. Alot of the time the receiver of the criticism sees it as an insult and it's instinct that we have to defend ourselves. And then we think "he should like me for me, if he doesn't, it's his loss!" and that just bolsters the stand. Maybe make it clear that you are just trying to help her be the best person she can be so she can offer more and live up to her potential that you see in her. Most of us want to be a better person especially for something that means alot to us. Turning it into something positive.

We all have issues in the past and that may be the reasons behind some of her actions and behaviors. We can't hide behind them as excuses though. Seeing a therapist for some counseling is a good start and may help her understand some things from a neutral third party that she may be more defensive about with you. Talking to the people here have brought you some points that you didn't normally see before. She seems interested in a solution and I hope she goes along with this.

I know none of this has anything to do with sex but getting to the root of the problems you both have with the past and the present can help you understand and make sense of this. It seems sex has been a pretty big issue but if it's the reason why you are doing romantic things, it might feel like it was pressured and expected and might take a little bit of the romance out of it. Maybe if you did romantic things and didn't expect or ask for it, just showed that you enjoyed having her around, it might help her open up a bit. I know this can be difficult and exhausting after all the work and effort you have put in for minimal results and even more so with your fading attraction. Trying new things and different things can only help though, as everything you have done before hasn't been working.

[IndiReloaded]

You are married though and I applaud your effort for certainly giving this a shot. I just hope you have enough left in the tank to keep going before too much of it's gone to no return. You sound like you have reached your wits end and what is keeping you going is your belief in what the institution of marriage symbolizes to you.

Every longtime married person has experienced this. The 'empty tank' thing too. It comes in cycles for all married folk. If you can start working through some of your issues, instead of against them, then you will recover some energy.

But right now, I see this relationship like a couple of snails. As soon as one starts to stick his/her head out of the shell, the other comes along and pokes it with a sharp stick. You retreat, numbed out until you gather the courage to try again. Usually with enough energy that the other person is the one who gets the sharp stick and they retreat, etc.

That's the cycle you have to learn break before you see any progress, IMO. I'm not sure this will solve the sex issue, but it will certainly help address the resentment around it. As I said, EVERY married couple has gone through a similar process some need help from a counsellor and some don't. Each couple is different. Good luck.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with this^, with a big BUT.[/I]

Everybody I know has a big but.

[IndiReloaded]

Mine too, sitting on this computer.... LOL. Im avoiding cleaning my desk....

[Incognito]

Well I found multiple marriage/relationship counselors in my area. One is particularly close, specializes in relationship counseling AND sexual therapy, and accepts insurance. Then I found out that my insurance policy doesn't cover marriage counseling (at least that's what they said on the phone). They said that they cover 'mental health counseling', but that marriage/relationship counseling isn't included in that category. I'm going to find my benefits book and check that because I suspect that they may simply be telling me that so that I don't try to use them when I go. I have Blue Cross & Blue Shield by the way. I hope I can use them, because almost all of the people who had prices listed wanted $100.00+ per hour.

[Gigabitch]

That costs a lot less than a hooker.

[Incognito]

Check your PM box.

[sweetkissesforu]

Incognito, do you feel like you need someone's permission to leave your wife? There were plenty of posters (including myself in your other thread) who advised at least a separation. Your wife seems incapable of showing you affection and it sounds to me like she's staying in the marriage for financial security and not out of love or an emotional connection with you.

No one's going to blame you for getting the hell out of it.

Or stay and be a martyr

[Incognito]

Be a martyr with the ultimate goal of what? I must know.

[lawman11]

Dude, you have described my former marriage to the finest detail. Mine never recovered. One or both of us was always pissed at the other for not wanting to have sex, wanting to have it too much, comparing ourselves to other couples and on and on. My marriage ended in disaster, despite counseling. If you are not sexually compatible, you never will be. Chemistry is a delicate thing.