you think my boyfriend is controlling?

[lilxcutie53]

Why are you afraid of speaking up? will he bite you in the ass? Do you really think being passive aggressive solves your disputes? NEVER act upon your emotion. Your boyfriend is afraid of being branded a psycho obsessive you know why? because he knows he can't open his mouth while preventing his blood from boiling over. Hearts are only good for mushy stuff and make up sex, they suck at settling disputes. This is for the both of you. learn this well, and you'll have a large part of handling relationship figured out.

I am afraid of speaking up, because I get really flustered when I get certain reactions. and it makes me uncomfortable and then I sorta freeze or overreact with the situation because I cant think of what the right thing to do is in the situation. I cant think straight. So I avoid confrontation alot and then when someone else's voice is raised it makes me more flustered. and at the same time I sometimes think I paint the red flags, pink.

Everyone is busy in school so he's got nothing to do but hang out with you. Does that really sound high priority to you? At home he calls you up and says "Hey babe!, us guys want to do our stuff, you wanna tag along and be our audience?" If you see this as you being top priority, then its up to you. You said but when all his friends are busy all day long are times when we spend like the whole day together. so I cant really tell if im a last resort or not. If you considered the times when his friends are not busy, that's when you can tell if you're a last resort or not. Factor everything in. its just simple math. Being a last resort is actually up to you, how sensitive your tolerance level is.

When you were talking about the last resort thing that got me thinking....he lives with 4 other people. 2 of which at the time had gfs, which were actually my roommates. When my bf and I first started dating..it was pretty rocky. he chose to spend more time with his friends or by himself. we saw each other everyday, but it wasnt until 8 at night or whatever. silly me, being naive...still hung out with him when I should of just not tolerated that and made other plans..and sometimes I feel the reason its me always hanging out with him and his friends is because my friends never go out. only sometimes, but I have no choice but to hang out with him and his friends. I've become really close with his friends so I have a good time when we go out. And actually the past week and a half hes made me a top priority. I found out that I got an internship in boston and I am leaving in 2 weeks so I dunno if thats the only reason hes made me a priority. we've always done stuff together before we've gone out with his friends. and last night we were at this friends house to say good bye to his friend that was going back down to school, but he told me that he only wanted to be there for a little so he could hang out with me.

I dunno..hes pretty confusing..

I'm not saying you are. I'm saying sooner or later you'll be tempted to. Hard to resist the power of domination. Especially if he's such a good doggy. Be constant and talk. talk is important. Remember, in any relationship problem, there is a very fine line between teaching and retaliation, its easy to confuse one from the other. I'll give you a challenge, figure this one out. It's something like detecting which is the persistent guy from creepy guy or the stalker. they vary just a bit from each other.

I wanna know what u mean....I dont really get what ur trying to say here..

[nerdy_guy]

I am afraid of speaking up, because I get really flustered when I get certain reactions. and it makes me uncomfortable and then I sorta freeze or overreact with the situation because I cant think of what the right thing to do is in the situation. I cant think straight. So I avoid confrontation alot and then when someone else's voice is raised it makes me more flustered. and at the same time I sometimes think I paint the red flags, pink.

That is why I told you its a difficult thing to master. Separating the heart from the mind isn't a walk in the park. It takes time. But if you can do it, 90-95% of the time when conflicts arises, it gets settled out of communication without the voices rising and you getting flustered.

I wanna know what u mean....I dont really get what ur trying to say here..

Okay, here's a sample:

Lets say, you said 10 sentences, every time you said something wrong, he laughs at you. If you tell him its wrong to laugh at people 7-9 times out of the 10, you're teaching him. If he said 10 sentences, and you laughed at him and told him in one go that he's just as error prone as you, that's retaliation.

This is just a sample. a general template. Situations would vary and so you should adjust to it as necessary. Am I making sense now?

[lilxcutie53]

That is why I told you its a difficult thing to master. Separating the heart from the mind isn't a walk in the park. It takes time. But if you can do it, 90-95% of the time when conflicts arises, it gets settled out of communication without the voices rising and you getting flustered.

Your right its very hard....I feel like im the only girl tho that has trouble with this: being able to think with ur head and not your heart. Its gotten a lot better, i've always been good at standing my ground with him, but when it things like how he treats other people, or even sometimes how he treats me (like i said in the other posts which only happens like once every few months) I have a really difficult time at being like "Dont talk to me like..blah blah" unless its a server situation where its completely obvious that hes being a complete asshole and needs to go home, but subtle things are very hard for me to start conflict with...like right now, im still kinda pissey about this whole having those opinions about my friends and sister like i said in the last post. and I really wanna say something, but I dont know what to say, or I dunno if I am over reacting and just need to let it go. Or like when I get annoyed with his stupid spoiled ways, I dont really know what to say. and also I feel like half the time those things about him that I get annoyed with are just him and that he will change it for a while, but eventually go back to his old self well..just because its who he is...


Okay, here's a sample:

Lets say, you said 10 sentences, every time you said something wrong, he laughs at you. If you tell him its wrong to laugh at people 7-9 times out of the 10, you're teaching him. If he said 10 sentences, and you laughed at him and told him in one go that he's just as error prone as you, that's retaliation.

So what do you do instead of retaliation? I could ignore him, but sometimes I think retailation is the only way he learns...

btw I really appreciate your posts..they are very helpful to me..

[lahnnabell]

You are not the only girl that has trouble with this. This is stereotypically a female issue that we've been dealing with forever. We get compared to a stereotypical male's much more level-headed approach to solving problems and dealing with arguments. This comparison only exacerbates the issues by making women look like crazy emotional fools that cry all the time. We hate that image of ourselves.

I have spent a long, long time developing mental and emotional strength. It's difficult. My father was emotional abusive (withheld emotions while he was angry, refused to apologize, would yell at me until I'd cry) and it took me a long time to realize that I was helping him by giving in. I was depressed a lot as a teenager because of my interactions with my father. Eventually, my mother divorced him because our family was coming apart due to his money-controlling and his crazy outbursts. Once he was gone, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I no longer had to be a slave to my fathers tyrannical ways and I got much more time to practice having a loving relationship with my mother. She is my world now.

There are some mental exercises I used to do to help me reason out my emotions. Ideally, you receive stimulus of some kind (your boyfriend says something hurtful) and you interpret it. This phrase will trigger a response in you based on your current mental and emotional state (maybe you're already stressed), your physical state (maybe you're tired), your history (how you've dealt with situations in the past), and more all come together in that moment. For women, how we're feeling about what was said will override everything else.

When this would happen, I began to learn to pay close attention to my body's response. When I get upset or nervous, I get knots in my stomach and my skin gets hot. When I learned to recognize these signals, I was able to remind myself that it was my body's response to stress and that I needed to stop and find a safe place (mentally, physically, whatever). I had a boyfriend that would push me to my limit and DEMAND that I sit and listen to him. Eventually, I began quietly and demurely telling him that NOW was not a good time, and I needed to calm down first. He would poke me and sometimes I would give in and argue. After practicing, I got a lot better at walking away and returning to the situation with a clear head. You are within your rights to do this and I highly recommend it.

[lilxcutie53]

You are not the only girl that has trouble with this. This is stereotypically a female issue that we've been dealing with forever. We get compared to a stereotypical male's much more level-headed approach to solving problems and dealing with arguments. This comparison only exacerbates the issues by making women look like crazy emotional fools that cry all the time. We hate that image of ourselves.

I try and tell my bf that all the time..every time he has an opinion about a girl being pyscho, I just tell him that girls dont think they are being pyscho. Its just a natural way of dealing with things. for an example when a girl tells her boyfriend that she really wants to hang out with him and that it hurts when he just wants to hang with his friends. It comes off as her telling him what to do, but really what she is trying to say is that she is feeling neglected, not that shes actually trying to control her bf. I purposely try really hard to not say such things, because I know in the back of my mind that if he really wanted to hang out with me he would make plans. Its that simple. Im not saying he does that haha, but if he did thats what I would do. Or if he says he will call me one day and then doesnt..I dont react, bc A) hes either doing it on purpose for a reaction or B) isnt thinking about me and actually forgot. He would call if he remembered, so theres no point in trying to get him to remember, bc he'll fix it for the short run then go back to old ways.

I have spent a long, long time developing mental and emotional strength. It's difficult. My father was emotional abusive (withheld emotions while he was angry, refused to apologize, would yell at me until I'd cry) and it took me a long time to realize that I was helping him by giving in. I was depressed a lot as a teenager because of my interactions with my father. Eventually, my mother divorced him because our family was coming apart due to his money-controlling and his crazy outbursts. Once he was gone, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I no longer had to be a slave to my fathers tyrannical ways and I got much more time to practice having a loving relationship with my mother. She is my world now.

Im really sorry about that situation. I am sure because of that you are a very strong person and you know whats best for you and what you deserve and who deserves you!

There are some mental exercises I used to do to help me reason out my emotions. Ideally, you receive stimulus of some kind (your boyfriend says something hurtful) and you interpret it. This phrase will trigger a response in you based on your current mental and emotional state (maybe you're already stressed), your physical state (maybe you're tired), your history (how you've dealt with situations in the past), and more all come together in that moment. For women, how we're feeling about what was said will override everything else.

There was situation about 2 months ago where him and I got in this huge fight. We were both really hammered and we were hooking up and he gave me a hickey ( I HATE hickeys) and so I got pissed off. and then he got pissed off and I was trying to explain to him that its inapporiate for me to have a hickey on my neck for my job (at the time I was subsitute teaching and also, my dad works at the school too and that looks bad if I look like a slut at work) anyways, my bf was getting pissed and starting telling me that I dont have a real job, and blah blah. and then starting cracking disrespecting comments about my dad. I got really pissed and told him to go home. So the next day, I was freaking out that he wasnt going to try and call me to figure things out. so at work I was constantly worrying. then finally he texted me and told me to call him as soon as I could. So when I did, it was almost like i forgot about how he treated me the night before and was just happy that I was hearing his voice and that he chased me back after i told him to leave my house the night before. anways, he wanted to know what had happened and I tried to explain to him how it made me feel and stuff, and he just kinda shrugged it off and didnt want to talk about it. then fianlly he asked if I wanted to hang out with him later that night. of course I said yes which was really stupid of me. when I get caught up in the moment like that, like i said before I forget about the way he had treated me. and then its like once I get off the phone I realize that I am actually still pissed off at him and regret telling him that I want to hang out and then feel that its too late to call him back and say that I actually dont wanna hang out. to me that would seem like a wierd thing to do and would confuse the shit out of him and then he would ask me why I just didnt say anything when we were on the phone and I wouldnt want to get into a whole conversation of why I didnt say it to begin with.

Back on New Years we got in a horrible fight...I mean it was bad and it was in public which led to him being arrested. the next day he tried to apologize and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. at that point in time, I still was happy to just have a bf, so it was almost like I would take anything because I wanted to have a bf. so when I was on the phone with him my mom was feeding me lines to say to him over the phone which pretty much involved me saying that I couldnt believe that he disrespected me like that, and much more. but at the same time It was very hard for me to say those things. It was almost like the words in my head were trying to win over what I really had said to him. so it felt like a battle in my mind. Eventually I told him I didnt want to see him for a few days, and of course he tried to pull me back in. What I had said to him was "I just think we need a few days to chill out.." on that day it was a Friday. What he said to me back was "ok, ill see a next week" ( what he meant was, ill see ya Monday, bc technically that is "next" week) but that totally threw me off and I said "WHAT?" <--thats what I mean by him trying to pull me back in. the next few days my mom had to guide me in what my actions should be. She thought that I needed to back up a little and make him work, but I didnt know how so she had to guide me.
after that point tho our whole relationship changed and it actually became normal. He called all the time and made a lot of effort things got better and better...
So now sometimes he just throws little disrespecting comments every so often to see how it affects me. and its only when hes drunk.. never sober. I dont give in to and I dont show him that it bothers me. I just kinda feel like if I did say smething to him about those comments every time he did them I feel i wouldnt be accepting him for who he is. bc he does it to everyone, not just me. he cant control me. even if he tells me something like "dont tell ur mom about the things we talk about" and I say 'ok" im gonna tell her anyways. haha!

When this would happen, I began to learn to pay close attention to my body's response. When I get upset or nervous, I get knots in my stomach and my skin gets hot. When I learned to recognize these signals, I was able to remind myself that it was my body's response to stress and that I needed to stop and find a safe place (mentally, physically, whatever). I had a boyfriend that would push me to my limit and DEMAND that I sit and listen to him. Eventually, I began quietly and demurely telling him that NOW was not a good time, and I needed to calm down first. He would poke me and sometimes I would give in and argue. After practicing, I got a lot better at walking away and returning to the situation with a clear head. You are within your rights to do this and I highly recommend it.

For me last night with the situation that happened. I wrote another post about it. I really wanted to tell him not to talk to my friends like that. and he said sometihing really mean..we were in the car and we were waiting for my friend and as she was walking to the car he said a mean comment about her and started laughing. so I smacked his leg. One of my friends is Hindu, has no respect for her self. she calls herself samantha to everyone and thats not even her name. its obvious that she doesnt like herself. shes so easy to poke at so even my friends that are her friends poke at her and my bf. as she was walking to the car he said something like "here comes the indian girl" and I smacked his leg. anyways I relaly wanted to say something to him about it, but bc my friends were in the car with us I didnt wanna say anything. So I kinda kept quiet and let them argue. but I did that because I know thats how he shuts up. Eventually I just turned the music up bc I was getting annoyed at them arguing. and then they stopped and my bf calmed down. and I think he realized how he was acting because he started acting all nicey nice to me. not that he wasnt before, but ya know. he realized he was being a dick head and was trying to make up for it. and then when I was going towards his house, he was like :"why are u taking me home? dont u want to hang out for a little bit" I really just wanted to say "u were being an asshole therefore I dont want to hang out with u" but instead I told him that "my friends live right by me and its easier to take u home first" which is true. and then when I dropped him off he asked what our plans were for tomorrow..normally, when he just drops me off he says he will call me after work, but he wanted to make plans right then and there. I dunno if he was still trying to make up for what he said..anyways, I dunno if I should let it go. there are a lot of stupid things that happen like that and I never know when I should just let them go or when I need to be actually serious. I just kinda think that if I spoke up to him about every little thing that he does thats not nice or respectful id be killing who he actually is as a person. so like I said I never know when the right time to do it is..

I know my examples are long..its just hard to explain it.

so what did you do in ur situations...like what kind of things would he poke at ur for?

[lahnnabell]

Wow, after reading all that, your boyfriend sounds like a complete asshole.

[lilxcutie53]

and its funny..all these situations are when hes drunk...

After the whole New yrs thing...his drinking has calmed down A LOT and hes grown up a lot since then. its just stupid and immature things...its not even like hes a bad person..he just makes dumb decisions and wasnt brought up correctly.

so i cant really tell if hes down to the core an asshole..or just needs to grow up...

[lilxcutie53]

Remember at the beginning of this thread, I was talking about money and stuff. Well a couple of nights ago him and I went out on the town with a group of friends. I brought 20$ with me incase there were going to be cover charges at the bar. Well half way thru the night I go through my little wristlet and I cant find my $20. I guess I had dropped it. So with my worried look on my face my bf asked what was wrong and I told him that I dropped my $20 and then he pulls out of is pocket $20 and says here, I found it on the floor. And I told him thanks and all that and then he goes "U should offer to buy me a drink because I found your money" I got really irritated and we starting arguing because after reading what you all said about me and money and offering to buy drinks and stuff...I told him that I dont want him asking me and that I want to offer it. and I told him that I thought it was rude that just because he found my money he automatically assumed and told me what I should do because he found it. Yes, I was going to offer him a drink, but he didnt even give me a second to even offer. anyways, we were arguing about it. and he was saying that he said that because he knew that I wasnt even going to offer. Which he was just assuming. and then after I told him I didnt want to talk about it anymore, I walked away and he went to the bar and came back and got me a drink and handed it to me and said "here i brought u a drink, because thats what good bf's do" and I told him that i didnt want it because he was upset and wanted to prove to me that its polite to buy your partner a drink.

Then when we were walking back to the car, he was all mad and was acting immature and trying to say things to me that were going to make me feel bad and I just ignored him and continued talking to my friend. Eventually he figured out that wasnt working and he tried to be all mushy with me once we were in the car and again in the morning. and then when we went to lunch the next day, I offered to buy him lunch and goes "why?" and I said "because, I want to" and then he says Thanks.

[nerdy_guy]

After the whole New yrs thing...his drinking has calmed down A LOT and hes grown up a lot since then. its just stupid and immature things...its not even like hes a bad person..he just makes dumb decisions and wasnt brought up correctly.

I dont give in to and I dont show him that it bothers me. I just kinda feel like if I did say smething to him about those comments every time he did them I feel i wouldnt be accepting him for who he is. bc he does it to everyone, not just me.

he realized he was being a dick head and was trying to make up for it. and then when I was going towards his house, he was like :"why are u taking me home? dont u want to hang out for a little bit" I really just wanted to say "u were being an asshole therefore I dont want to hang out with u" but instead I told him that "my friends live right by me and its easier to take u home first" which is true.

You know what I see as a common thing in these 3 things that I quoted from you? You kept on covering up for him. That is bad. You should see things as they are and make corrections as necessary. You're a teacher right? You don't exactly give your students a good grade if they tell you that an apple is the color of the rainbow because it sounds cute... do you? wrong is wrong. don't make any gray areas. the bigger the gray area, the more confusing it is for you to make a good judgment on his character.

You need an excuse like you need a third nut in your sack... does he need a third one? if not, then stop covering for him.

I really just wanted to say "u were being an asshole therefore I dont want to hang out with u" but instead I told him that "my friends live right by me and its easier to take u home first" which is true.

This is good and classy. A mature person won't chew out his/her partner in front of others. Yes, it might be true that your friend lives near your house, but it is just a technicality, and the truth is because he was being an asshole that you want to drop him off first... When you spend time together (preferable over a quiet coffee instead of beer in a bar) and, TALK. tell him the truth about your decisions.

So with my worried look on my face my bf asked what was wrong and I told him that I dropped my $20 and then he pulls out of is pocket $20 and says here, I found it on the floor. And I told him thanks and all that and then he goes "U should offer to buy me a drink because I found your money"

Out of my respect for you, since he is your boyfriend. I'll say this instead: If he loves you, he should be happy to have found your money, return it to you right there and then without expecting a reward.

I had a boyfriend that would push me to my limit and DEMAND that I sit and listen to him.

This quote from lahnnabell is actually very useful. I'll give you the male perspective on this one. use this against him. there are two sides to everything, and depending on the situation when he "just kinda shrugged it off and didnt want to talk about it." It might mean that, it doesn't really matter to him or it really bothered him and is trying to forget what he did. You need figure this out by yourself. Do this in a quiet area where both of you can talk, not shout at each other.

bc A) hes either doing it on purpose for a reaction or B) isnt thinking about me and actually forgot. He would call if he remembered, so theres no point in trying to get him to remember, bc he'll fix it for the short run then go back to old ways.

and also I feel like half the time those things about him that I get annoyed with are just him and that he will change it for a while, but eventually go back to his old self well..just because its who he is...

You remember what I said about the part that I highlighted? I was right wasn't I? You even proved me right TWICE.

So what do you do instead of retaliation? I could ignore him, but sometimes I think retailation is the only way he learns...

Actually, this is missing something, its more like retaliation is the only he learns... when and how to retaliate back at me again. It becomes a vicious cycle. And you're right, Ignoring him equates to ignoring the problem. There is a fine line between teaching and retaliation. They are a similar in a lot of ways. I'd put it this way I guess: Teaching is just talking to him and be more consistent about it. Retaliation is doing exactly the same childish thing to him and then chew him out afterwards.

btw I really appreciate your posts..they are very helpful to me..

Should I start charging you now? Hahaha! just kidding. I'm just glad that you find my posts helpful. Atleast, what I'm doing is worthwhile

[IndiReloaded]

Wow. So after your last update I wonder why you haven't dumped him yet. He doesn't sound like the classiest guy out there. It reflects badly on you as well to stay with him. If you don't want to smell like shit, stop polishing turds.

[lilxcutie53]

You know what I see as a common thing in these 3 things that I quoted from you? You kept on covering up for him. That is bad. You should see things as they are and make corrections as necessary. You're a teacher right? You don't exactly give your students a good grade if they tell you that an apple is the color of the rainbow because it sounds cute... do you? wrong is wrong. don't make any gray areas. the bigger the gray area, the more confusing it is for you to make a good judgment on his character.

What do you mean by see things and make corrections as necessary? give me an example.

This is good and classy. A mature person won't chew out his/her partner in front of others. Yes, it might be true that your friend lives near your house, but it is just a technicality, and the truth is because he was being an asshole that you want to drop him off first... When you spend time together (preferable over a quiet coffee instead of beer in a bar) and, TALK. tell him the truth about your decisions.

after he realized that I was taking him home..he goes "oh were not hanging out?" and I said "oh..I mean..my friends live right by me I didnt know u wanted to hang out, so its easier to take u home first..if u told me earlier u wanted to hang out I would of gone home" and he goes "its ok, just take me home" so then once we got his house..he was eagered to make plans with me, which was odd, because normally when we get out of the car at night time he just tells me he will call tomorrow.

If a situation like that happens again where I dont want to make a scene..how do I talk about it with him later? cuz to me it seems awkward to do that because the situations over and its a new day.

Out of my respect for you, since he is your boyfriend. I'll say this instead: If he loves you, he should be happy to have found your money, return it to you right there and then without expecting a reward.

When this happened...I insisted that I would only talk about it outside bc we were arguing in a bar and it was relaly hard to hear and think, and he would be like "well i can hear fine..blah blah" and I kept trying to tell him that I understood why he was upset, but that I want to offer buying him stuff, not be told to and he was like "ya, well u never offer to buy me anything.." but it was funny, because after reading what everyone was saying about me buying stuff for him, I started to give some more, and I would offer to buy my drinks when we would go out to dinner, and I bought him ice cream. and for the most part when we are at a bar and were buy drinks together it'll always be "here, ill by this round, u buy the next" So I didnt really understand how he could expect me to buy him a drink when its aways been the way I just described. and I also drink way less then he does. I normally only drink 2 at the most when im at a bar. and half the time he keeps buying himself beers.
So of course the next day I bought him lunch..I dunno if I should of done that tho.

This quote from lahnnabell is actually very useful. I'll give you the male perspective on this one. use this against him. there are two sides to everything, and depending on the situation when he "just kinda shrugged it off and didnt want to talk about it." It might mean that, it doesn't really matter to him or it really bothered him and is trying to forget what he did. You need figure this out by yourself. Do this in a quiet area where both of you can talk, not shout at each other.

I think a lot of times he wants to forget what he did...

You remember what I said about the part that I highlighted? I was right wasn't I? You even proved me right TWICE.

so how do u stop that?

Actually, this is missing something, its more like retaliation is the only he learns... when and how to retaliate back at me again. It becomes a vicious cycle. And you're right, Ignoring him equates to ignoring the problem. There is a fine line between teaching and retaliation. They are a similar in a lot of ways. I'd put it this way I guess: Teaching is just talking to him and be more consistent about it. Retaliation is doing exactly the same childish thing to him and then chew him out afterwards.

So what should I do differently? What I thought would work was making him walk in my shoes....cuz Ive always felt like trying to tell him what I dont like would only make the situation worse and he would actually do it more because he knows it bothers me. I read in a book once that sometimes mean actually do that. They want to see where your buttons are.

one time when he didnt call me when he told me he would I called him up and said "why didnt u call me silly?" and he said "oh i forgot' and I said "well I just want to let u know that its disrespectful and rude" and after that thngs were fine and then 2 months later it happened again, and I said the same sorta thing...but after telling someone twice, i feel like its worthless..wouldnt that just getting annoying to him if everytime he didnt call when he said he would I said those sort of things to him?

he's only not called me probably about 4 times..so its not like he does it all the time.

Oh what should I do in these sort of situations...

We get in a fight..and I eventually walk away from the fight. and then he tries to put you down because hes upset. sometimes he does that. I just ignore him, but is there something else I can do?

Should I start charging you now? Hahaha! just kidding. I'm just glad that you find my posts helpful. Atleast, what I'm doing is worthwhile

No dont charge me

[lahnnabell]

I think you did a good thing by showing him you won't be bossed around by his little boy ego. Makes me think he conveniently snapped up your $20 to create such a situation. I mean, come on. You lose your $20 and he reaps the benefit of having found it for you. Instead of being a gentleman and returning money that was yours, he expects to buy you with it. F*ck that.

But the next day you kindly shoved his harsh words in his face. Before he could say anything else, you offered to buy him lunch, which says, "I care about you and I want to do nice things for you, but not when you act like a selfish brat about it."

[nerdy_guy]

This is from your other post. I'm posting it here since you wanted to know how to teach someone and wanting to know about being retaliatory. Besides, it does relate to this, and you have provided a good situation.

when I asked if he texted her back he was like "no, im not texting that bitch back" eventually, my friends and I start telling him that even tho he has that opinion about her, which I agree with him that hes not allowed to say it out loud, only I am. And that since he is my bf, he can have those opinions, but keep them to himself.

Do you think trash talking about your sister helps out in this situation? If you don't give your sister any respect in front of him, don't expect him to respect her either. You're basically asking someone else to show respect to someone you can't.

but I dont talk about his family to him..his sisters are fat, I would never say out loud that they are fat, but I would call them bitches and I would say something to him about his mom, being a bitch like that

sometimes I feel like I have to act like a mom to him, because some respectful things were not taught by his family and its like I gotta teach him. but im starting to not care...it takes too much energy to try and train someone

You're right, it takes too much energy to try and train someone, this goes double hard when you have an attitude like this. You're being hypocritical. Hypocrites don't make for a good teacher. You don't want him to trash talk about your sis, yet you do the same to his? yes, You'll tell me that you did it because he did it to your sis first or he doesn't like 'em anyway or find any other excuse for you to trash talk about them. THAT, is retaliation. Is it really helping you out? Did you or him learn to be better people by your actions? Did it improve your relationship? Are you a better person than him for doing this? this is the kettle calling the pot black kind of thing. You're saying that you have to act like a mom to him because he wasn't taught respect. Why? Is this the way how your mom taught you how to respect others? you gotta teach him? how? by acting like him?

When you were a little girl, and you broke something of value which belonged to your parents. What did they do? kidnap your favorite doll and cut of its head? That would be a retaliatory action is it not? I believe instead of doing that, they talked to you about being careful, showed you how to fix it and how to take care of your own things right?

So, first step to teaching... be a model yourself. not be modeled after him. if he doesn't see you do it, chances are he's less likely to do it too.

[lilxcutie53]

Ok that makes a lot of sense..I didnt realize that what I was saying was giving him an ok to do that. What about opinions that he has about certain things that I haven't brought up. For an example. lets say that my mom is being really unreasonable with me about a certain situation, and I talk to him about it or whatever. I dont say that shes a bitch or anything. and he says "yah ur mom kinda a bitch" and then in another situation im just randomly tlaking about my mom he says "ur moms a bitch sometimes.." not saying thats hes ever done that, but its just a good example.

But what about teaching him behaviors? for instance..yesterday him and I were cooking pasta and he was dumping the water to drain the pasta and it spilled on him and he burned his arm. I asked him if he was ok and he said "do I look like im ok? what a stupid question to ask" and then he screamed for his dad and wanted his dad to help make the pain go away. it almost acted like he was dying and it was the end of the world. he was really dramatic about it. anyways, so I poured the sauce on pasta and he goes "what are u doing...? thats not how u do it" and his dad goes "some families do things differently" and then he got pissed off again and we had meat balls in the oven and he took them out and just sorta roughly took the pan and tossed them into the pasta. and I jumped back and go "chris......" and then his dad starts yelling at him for being sarcastic and disrespectful. and I just kinda ignore chris until he speaks to me first(thats when i know hes calmed down)

Even though he was being disrespectful at that point. I cant tell if I should take the way he was speaking to me or just understand that people arent perfect and sometimes take things out on others in different ways...

A lot of times what I do when Im being disrespected is I tend to walk away from the situation..go in another room or ignore him. or if were in a huge fight and hes not treating me right I now tell him that its time to go home if he wants to talk to me like that.

its really difficult.
what about teh whole calling thing..what should I do in that situation?

[nerdy_guy]

What about opinions that he has about certain things that I haven't brought up.

Stop worrying ahead of time. You wanna find out? try to simulate it with him. If you are good at this, you'll know him better, and you learn how to push his buttons as well (I read about your post about him trying to push your buttons. You start from here hehehe... )

Regarding the pasta incident, he let the pain in his arm go to his head. Such a situation requires an understanding from you when he went all ballistic on you and became sarcastic. Just breathe it out and be silent.You don't solve things by escalating it further. There might even come a time if he is in great pain and you'll try to help him and he might get physical with you. It's more of a threshold of pain issue. If he's got a low threshold, he'll likely be more touchy if he's in pain. The sauce and meatball part might have been an aftershock of what he just experienced and was just venting, if he was just being rude he would've reacted in a lighter manner especially when handling hot meatballs.

Just a small advice, when his family is chewing him out in front of you, don't look at him in any way, and never get involved. Just act like you didn't see or hear anything. And don't try to discuss it with him either. let it go. if he wants to talk about it, he will. This is just an advance warning, I'm not saying that you're currently doing it. If you're already following this, good for you.

what about the whole calling thing..what should I do in that situation?

what about it again? sorry, I got lost somewhere. Did you mean phone calls or name calling?