I Miss My Wife

[IndiReloaded]

A man has the right to miss his wife without having to worry about some e-jerks trying to guilt him about something completely unrelated.

I think Indi was misinterpreting the way HIA presented his situation with his son to write posts implying he isn't a good father. I mean, just because he's writing about missing his wife doesn't mean he misses his son any more or less than her. This is a love forum.

For the record, HIA, you sound like an awesome dad to me.

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but I don't think I am. There is something very odd about HIA only seeing his child once a month. How did this situation arise? And why isn't he just living close to his son and having a commuter marriage? I have mentioned this several times already--it is something many couples do, even ones without the responsibility of children.

I wonder if this is a custody issue. HIA mentioned some counselling for anger management or something at some point (I think?). Perhaps he was denied shared custody? But that (to my mind) would make the case for wanting to spend even more time to make up for what has transpired.

[Wakeup]

If this isn't a guy who is putting his new wife ahead of his own child, dunno what is. He's not saying its hard to LEAVE his kid each time he visits, he's saying the exact opposite.

No... A guy who was putting his new wife ahead of his own child would never visit his son and avoid experiencing the emotion of missing his wife.

Anything other than OP missing his wife and wanting to vent about that is off topic, really!

[IndiReloaded]

No... A guy who was putting his new wife ahead of his own child would never visit his son.

Yea, here it is. Stop making excuses for people WakeUp:

I am, or maybe I was and am striving to be better. I am striving to be better about a great many things due to events that have gone on in my life over the last couple of years. I spent a year in court-ordered Domestic Violence group therapy, and about another 6 months in one-on-one with a psychologist, and another 4 months in Parenting without Violence group therapy.

The Parenting Without Violence group sounds particularly stunning.

Awesome. Lets drag our kid through hell and then continue by only seeing him once a month....

I don't think there is really anything more I need to add to this thread. You are all clearly so right about this awesome parent!

[DannyH]

it's what i was referring to when i said not knowing the whole picture. Fact is it's in the past and at least he still goes and see's his kid.
Him not saying he misses is kid isn't bad. It's because he misses he kid and that doesn't change means he is less likely to think about it or mention it even though the feeling is there. When things do change like him leaving his wife to go see his kid he will mention something about missing his wife because it's a change from how he is normally feeling. it's just how our mind works.

think about it when you do the same thing every day at work. What is the first thing you mention usually? stuff that doesn't normally happen.

[Wakeup]

Yea, here it is. Stop making excuses for people WakeUp:

With all due respect please don't tell me what to do unless I'm breaking a forum rule. (said with respect for your tenure here)

Indi: Revealing what you revealed does not change the fact that the Op is trying his best to be in his son's life and he has been man enough to get the help that he needs to be the best person that he can be. Unlike a lot of people who come to forum boards and are totaly issued and riddled with problems that they have not addressed or taken the necessarry steps to overcome.

I'm not making excuses for him or any past behaviour. Get it? PAST behaviour... but I am rather more refuting your blatant predjudice towards him. If you've seen some of my posts you know I can be relentless on people who don't or won't acknowledge their weakness and failures and issues. HIA has not only acknowledged, he's doing everything he can to overcome them.

[Petit Papillon]

No... I just have to go out of town once a month.

Don't really want any advice, just wanted to whine a bit. I have to go back to California once a month on personal business and to visit my son (he's six, almost seven), and I really hate being away from my wife. Can't believe how much I miss her. You'd think it'd get easier with successive visits, but it doesn't, it gets harder.

Pretty much sums up whole situation . He whines that he has to go away and visit his son once a month ,cause he really hates to be away from his wife... For few days... Where he should be giving 100% of his time and thoughts to his kid. It's really hard ,yes .

[Wakeup]

And as you know he came back in and explained himself more clearly.. that he didn't consider it a chore to visit his son in the least.. only that while doing so it made him miss his wife.

So no, What you just posted does not "sum up" the entire situation.

[HeartIsAching]

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but I don't think I am. There is something very odd about HIA only seeing his child once a month. How did this situation arise? And why isn't he just living close to his son and having a commuter marriage? I have mentioned this several times already--it is something many couples do, even ones without the responsibility of children.

I wonder if this is a custody issue. HIA mentioned some counselling for anger management or something at some point (I think?). Perhaps he was denied shared custody? But that (to my mind) would make the case for wanting to spend even more time to make up for what has transpired.

I do not have custody of my son.

It IS hard to leave my son every month. As I've said repeatedly, I plan to move to be closer to my son just as soon as it's feasible, and one of the factors besides monetary issues right now is where my ex and son are going to be.

Not that it's any of your ****ing business, but maintaining two households just isn't in the financial cards right now. That's the main reason I don't have a "commuter" marriage. You think I LIKE living 2000 miles from my son? Piss off.

[HeartIsAching]

Pretty much sums up whole situation . He whines that he has to go away and visit his son once a month ,cause he really hates to be away from his wife... For few days... Where he should be giving 100% of his time and thoughts to his kid. It's really hard ,yes .

Oh good god. Get a grip.

I was griping because I miss my wife. Not because I don't miss or want to see my son.

[MaidenMinx]

Jesus christ!!!! This is the one reason I don't post my personal stuff on here because you get attacked for doing your best. (apparently my husband doesn't love me because he doesn't wear a wedding ring. LMAO!!!!!)

Petit, I am both gladdened and saddened that your POV on this comes from your parents being separated. Gladdened that you are so passionate to not see that hurt visited on other children, and saddened because you can not see that life gets in the way of perfect scenarios. Not all parents can feasibly stay together and not all children suffer for it. It sounds to me like HIA is making the best of a bad situation.

Children are a lot more resilient than people seem to think. My mum was a typical case for not having a good type. Her type in guys were basically arseholes and my mum didn't have the self esteem to realise she deserved better. She had me when she was only 17. Then when I was little she ended up in another bad relationship which gave me my brothers. By the time I was 12 she was out of the more destructive relationship with my step dad and then she stayed single until my brothers had both turned 20. I am now reconciled with my father and completely forgive him for the hurt he caused when I was younger. I'm not going to say it was easy, nor am I going to say that I had a childhood bursting with happiness. I will acknowledge though that seeing my parents go through so much crap in relationships I realised young that I had no role models on how to make a relationship work and that actually lead to me reading many books on the nature of relationships and the differences between men and women.

What I am trying to say is that coming from a broken home doesn't have to ruin your life. As long as both parents are assuring the child that they love them and the child isn't subject to hearing either parent verbally bash the other it can actually be just as happy as a solid home.

[IndiReloaded]

Get it? PAST behaviour... but I am rather more refuting your blatant predjudice towards him.

Past behaviour like this is what gives us children who become self-absorbed, irresponsible adults. Who continue the pattern with their own children b/c they never learned any better.

Our past choices MAKE us who we are today. Can we improve? Certainly. And if HIA posted that he is trying to move closer to his son I would congratulate him on trying to make up for his past mistakes. Instead, he whines about missing his wife and he says he can't support two households. So who does he support? Where does he put his effort? His adult wife who can (or at least should) support herself. Well done!

I already said: his first duty is to his son. But he's chosen his new wife over his son's well-being, no question. If he didn't he would live closer to his son and instead he has chosen--CHOSEN--to be 2000 miles away. This is completely unacceptable for a child this age. We aren't talking about a teenager who might understand the situation b/t his parents, but a young schoolboy that needs the presence of two loving parents.

No, I don't have any respect for such people. Nor people who try to make excuses for such poor behaviour. This is why our society is in the dismal state its in. No commitment, no responsibility, and people who will excuse these people and say "there, there... its okay that you are not strong enough to do what is right"... here's another welfare cheque to make you feel better.

[HeartIsAching]

Past behaviour like this is what gives us children who become self-absorbed, irresponsible adults. Who continue the pattern with their own children b/c they never learned any better.

Our past choices MAKE us who we are today. Can we improve? Certainly. And if HIA posted that he is trying to move closer to his son I would congratulate him on trying to make up for his past mistakes. Instead, he whines about missing his wife and he says he can't support two households. So who does he support? Where does he put his effort? His adult wife who can (or at least should) support herself. Well done!

I already said: his first duty is to his son. But he's chosen his new wife over his son's well-being, no question. If he didn't he would live closer to his son and instead he has chosen--CHOSEN--to be 2000 miles away. This is completely unacceptable for a child this age. We aren't talking about a teenager who might understand the situation b/t his parents, but a young schoolboy that needs the presence of two loving parents.

No, I don't have any respect for such people. Nor people who try to make excuses for such poor behaviour. This is why our society is in the dismal state its in. No commitment, no responsibility, and people who will excuse these people and say "there, there... its okay that you are not strong enough to do what is right"... here's another welfare cheque to make you feel better.

What I meant was that in order for my wife and I to have a "commuter" marriage, I'd have to maintain living arrangements FOR MYSELF, separate ones for MY WIFE, and I'd still have to fly regularly. It's just not feasible for us.

As it is, the monthly flights we can't really afford either, but we're scraping so I can. It just is. You don't like it, fine. I don't give a shit what you like.

[HeartIsAching]

Yea, here it is. Stop making excuses for people WakeUp:



The Parenting Without Violence group sounds particularly stunning.

Awesome. Lets drag our kid through hell and then continue by only seeing him once a month....

I don't think there is really anything more I need to add to this thread. You are all clearly so right about this awesome parent!

The Parenting Without Violence classes were not because of any action I ever took towards my son. They were because the child was in the house when the violence I committed against his mother occurred. I have never hit my son. Either one of them.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't get why people are on indis case for advocating a good family life for kids. People in this world treat kids horribly and indis comments are offensive for you. Look around.

Miso, frankly its b/c they know they are guilty of not standing up for these kinds of issues. So they have to take this ridiculous "well, at least s/he is trying..." position or realize they aren't doing enough themselves. You know, you've seen this in your own profession, the guilty family member/neighbour.

Do I have high expectations? You bet (you know I do). Its why I get the results I get in life.

My final advice: HIA, you need to move closer to your son asap before you miss much more of his precious life. There are always jobs and always money to be had. But what you will never get is more time with your son. He needs you NOW. More than your wife needs you, frankly. Tho, I suspect, not more than you need her. Which means you need to grow a pair. Counselling, etc is all very fine, but all that 'help' is still all about you, isn't it? Your problems, your issues, your voyage of self-discovery. The proof of the pudding tho, is in the eating. Which means, how are you taking those lessons and APPLYING them to your son's life to make it the very best it can be?

I wish your family, in particular your son, all the very best.

[HeartIsAching]

Miso, frankly its b/c they know they are guilty of not standing up for these kinds of issues. So they have to take this ridiculous "well, at least s/he is trying..." position or realize they aren't doing enough themselves. You know, you've seen this in your own profession, the guilty family member/neighbour.

Do I have high expectations? You bet (you know I do). Its why I get the results I get in life.

My final advice: HIA, you need to move closer to your son asap before you miss much more of his precious life. There are always jobs and always money to be had. But what you will never get is more time with your son. He needs you NOW. More than your wife needs you, frankly. Tho, I suspect, not more than you need her. Which means you need to grow a pair. Counselling, etc is all very fine, but all that 'help' is still all about you, isn't it? Your problems, your issues, your voyage of self-discovery. The proof of the pudding tho, is in the eating. Which means, how are you taking those lessons and APPLYING them to your son's life to make it the very best it can be?

I wish your family, in particular your son, all the very best.

That is my plan. It may take a couple of years, but we do plan to jump back to the West Coast, close to wherever he and his mother settle. In the meantime, I'll visit him regularly and he knows he can call/Skype with me pretty much whenever I'm available.