How much contact should be kept during "a break"

[anonymous_a]

I think it obviously is the case. You were alone for two years before shacking up with a loser who contributes nothing. You want to leave him for another guy because you're sick of being with a loser who contributes nothing. Sounds like fear of being alone to me.

Lmfao, right. I never wanted to leave my bf for anyone. I considered an affair because it was PURE physical attraction to this other person. I dedcided against an affair because I love my boyfriend and didn't want to destroy what we had. And I didnt shack up with a loser who contributes nothing. He had a job when we got back together and I've known him for 11 years. He is very intellegent, he just needs to apply himself. In the first year we were together HE decided to go back to school, and HE made the decision the try and better himself. Obviously other shit has happened since, but your perception on my situation is completely whack.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Not sure what else has happened, but it sounds like he has lost multiple jobs this summer. At 26, if you can't keep a summer job, you are a loser.

He made the decision to "better" himself, but what has actually happened? Has he gotten better or worse?

No one questioned his intelligence. I was a very smart person, but still headed absolutely nowhere for a long time.

And again..wanting to **** someone else but keep your boyfriend around points to a fear of being alone.

[anonymous_a]

Not sure what else has happened, but it sounds like he has lost multiple jobs this summer. At 26, if you can't keep a summer job, you are a loser.

He made the decision to "better" himself, but what has actually happened? Has he gotten better or worse?

No one questioned his intelligence. I was a very smart person, but still headed absolutely nowhere for a long time.

He has gotten slightly better than what he was before we started dating this time around. I have not mentioned this ever before, but he had a very bad addiction to cocaine from age 20 to 24. Maybe I expect too much from him too soon? I don't know. I definitely want him to WANT to be successful, rather than wanting him to do it for me. I guess the actual issue is whether or not i'm willing to give him another chance to prove himself. I suppose that's what the next year will hold for me. If he succeeds, it shows that he can actually live up to his potention, if he fails, then I just need to accept the fact that he will not change, and move forward with my life. I am bound to this city for at least the next year, so why not fight? That's what is going through my mind right now.

[Wakeup]

but your perception on my situation is completely whack.

it's not TOTALLY whack. There is a lot of truth in what he's saying. I know you don't want to or can't see it but there it is.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're definitely not expecting too much too soon. It's been two years or more..plenty of time to get his shit together. Is he off the blow completely or just not into it as heavy? Why did he lose these jobs?

Give him a chance I guess, since it's practical(pffft), but you're asking for more of the same. Having a girl, especially a good one, gives people who aren't doing shit a false sense of pride(based on your success), and no reason to do anything differently. It may be a stretch to say that is definitely the effect it has on him, but it is very common. Dave Chappelle said it best when he said, "If a man could get a woman in a cardboard box, nigga wouldn't buy a house." Pretty much sums it up.

You want him to want to change for himself, but you are also conditionally giving him another chance. How does this make any sense? If anything you should just go out with him for the next year with no expectations at all and see what happens.

[anonymous_a]

You're definitely not expecting too much too soon. It's been two years or more..plenty of time to get his shit together. Is he off the blow completely or just not into it as heavy? Why did he lose these jobs?

He is off is completely. He lost the jobs because of skipping work. Mainly he blames skipping work on his back or hip (he has very bad joints) but I have bad knees and a bad back, and I just take some Aleve and go to work anyways!! As far as school goes, he just skipped and didn't apply himself.

Give him a chance I guess, since it's practical(pffft), but you're asking for more of the same. Having a girl, especially a good one, gives people who aren't doing shit a false sense of pride(based on your success), and no reason to do anything differently. It may be a stretch to say that is definitely the effect it has on him, but it is very common. Dave Chappelle said it best when he said, "If a man could get a woman in a cardboard box, nigga wouldn't buy a house." Pretty much sums it up.

You want him to want to change for himself, but you are also conditionally giving him another chance. How does this make any sense? If anything you should just go out with him for the next year with no expectations at all and see what happens.

I see what you're saying, but I think that if I express everything that I've been talking to you guy about, he will see what I'm saying. I think he is smart enough and hope that he is driven enough to succeed. And well, if he's not, then I guess a year from now, I'll be single :/

I want to thank everyone on my thread who have helped and given their words of wisdom. I cannot express enough how appreciative I am. I will continue to give updates and let you know how things go.

[michelle23]

Best of luck whatever you decide. I know its hard when you love someone but just remember you have already given him 2years hoping he would change. How much more are you gonna give?

[TablesandChairs]

Firstly, I think taking a break is a good idea in your case. Communication isn't your problem - you can communicate until the cows come home, if your head isn't clear, you won't get far. You need to be specific about what your concerns are and he needs to be specific when addressing them.

1) Weed effects people in different ways; some can smoke it with no issues whatsoever. Some can become unmotivated; losing interest in study is a classic example (some of my classmates who I know are regular pot smokers still haven't finished their studies...5 years after I graduated) and not being able to keep down a job is another example. Despite it being considered a 'soft' drug, it can really affect how a person functions.

2) You need a partner by your side, not a child. That means someone who can keep down a job, fulfill their obligations study-wise and contribute. Without these things, resentment will build. Think of the future - you might have a child, you might not be able to work for x amount of time...do you have much faith in his ability to support you? Or, say, you invested in something that requires money from both of you...would you trust him to uphold his end of the bargain? Difficult if he gets fired every other month.

I think most of your concerns are valid - they're not just because you're bored.

That said - don't underestimate the importance of being fulfilled with your own life - a partner can't become your entire world; some interests, hobbies or days where you go off and do something with friends would do a world of good. Long-term, these things will keep your relationship healthy. Take the time out to become clear about your issues and what you expect.

[anonymous_a]

Firstly, I think taking a break is a good idea in your case. Communication isn't your problem - you can communicate until the cows come home, if your head isn't clear, you won't get far. You need to be specific about what your concerns are and he needs to be specific when addressing them.

1) Weed effects people in different ways; some can smoke it with no issues whatsoever. Some can become unmotivated; losing interest in study is a classic example (some of my classmates who I know are regular pot smokers still haven't finished their studies...5 years after I graduated) and not being able to keep down a job is another example. Despite it being considered a 'soft' drug, it can really affect how a person functions.

2) You need a partner by your side, not a child. That means someone who can keep down a job, fulfill their obligations study-wise and contribute. Without these things, resentment will build. Think of the future - you might have a child, you might not be able to work for x amount of time...do you have much faith in his ability to support you? Or, say, you invested in something that requires money from both of you...would you trust him to uphold his end of the bargain? Difficult if he gets fired every other month.

I think most of your concerns are valid - they're not just because you're bored.

That said - don't underestimate the importance of being fulfilled with your own life - a partner can't become your entire world; some interests, hobbies or days where you go off and do something with friends would do a world of good. Long-term, these things will keep your relationship healthy. Take the time out to become clear about your issues and what you expect.

Thank you very much for your input. I am going back home today. We had a pretty long talk yesterday and I was finally able to express some of these concerns and release some of resentments. Since I have another year in this city ANYWAYS, I am going to give him this year to prove himself. This year will most definitely be a make or break. Plus he has already told that due to this last week of uncertainty, he has decided to put HIMSELF and his successes first, before our relationship. Now I suppose this can be taken either good or bad, but I will take it as good. I can support myself, I know this. I did it for 3 years before him. Now is just to see if he can hold up his end of the bargain. I also have regained a couple old friendships, and started doing a little more with myself, instead of sitting around in front of that damn television. Hopefully this can carry into OUR life together. He also said he is willing to get off his ass and do more with me (like biking, walking, hiking, etc) so that WE as a couple aren't just sitting around doing sweet fvck all, all the time.

I again, thank everyone for their input, you have no idea how much this forum (and a few other resources) has helped me!! I appreciate it.

[surfhb2]

I'm happy he said he's taking HIMSELF first. Thats the key right there!

YOU always come first over your partner.....period!

The TV= relationship killer. Get rid of it and watch Netflix once in awhile in bed before you go to sleep if you have to. Go get a bike, join a volleyball club, learn to surf....anything but TV