How to get out...?

[lesa]

does marriage imply permanency anymore?

Marriage (or whatever other cultures have), imo, is the only true relationship with an agreement of permanance..but even these days..it is not so true anymore.

[vashti]

You're not understanding Vash. Anyone can date anyone. But only those who are ready for serious work in relationships should have relationships. Relationships are not for everyone.

I think you are nuts, as there is much to learn from relationships of all kinds, and to limit yourself is to limit your learning curve, but plenty of religious denominations agree with you. I suggest you try Orthodox Judaism. You don't date there unless you are intending to imminently marry, and you can't get divorced without the approval of a rabbinic board. That's about as close as you are going to get to the type of relationship rules that you seem to take as being a "good" thing. I think Jehovah's Witnesses likewise don't approve of non-marital relationships.

You'll have to give up the pre-marital sex, though.

[misombra]

Marriage (or whatever other cultures have), imo, is the only true relationship with an agreement of permanance..but even these days..it is not so true anymore.

marriage doesn't mean anything anymore. it's another way to get the government involved in your life.

not too long ago it was illegal for a black person and a white person to marry. marriage is embedded with racism and sexism. i don't think i'll be taking part. who really cares what people outside of ones relationship think about the degree of commitment and love two people have for each other?

anyway, the answer to my question is no. marriage by no means ensures a relationship is permanent.

[overlooked]

my best friend was in a LTR also, for about 6 years. but one day she found that her bf chated on her. Yes she was hurt, but it's only for a few months (mm...i think it's alittle less than few months actually)..well, afterall she has me as her bestfriend...haha..she soon met another guy, and i can see that she's happy and get over her ex just as immediately. i think you should be honest with ur bf that u cheated on him. when he gets angry, she will get over you extremely soon (especially when he meets someone new), it's alot hurtful to be strung along but u treat him differently, and breaking off saying what i think is unreasonable "want to focus on career". he knows that focusing on career isnt the real reason. he knows it. so when u want to break up, just do it, say what really happens that makes u decide to end it off. he deserves the next girl who wants him just the way he wants her. dont wory, he WILL get over you. and i hope that when u trully in a commited relationship next time, u shouldn't be all upset when the guy ends up breaking it off with u just as u did with ur ex. end of story.

[Mish]

I think you are nuts, as there is much to learn from relationships of all kinds, and to limit yourself is to limit your learning curve

That's actually true and I agree with you. But you have to settle down some time. You can't learn forever from different relationships, at some point you have to settle just for one (or none).

[Cain]

my best friend was in a LTR also, for about 6 years. but one day she found that her bf chated on her. Yes she was hurt, but it's only for a few months (mm...i think it's alittle less than few months actually)..well, afterall she has me as her bestfriend...haha..she soon met another guy, and i can see that she's happy and get over her ex just as immediately. i think you should be honest with ur bf that u cheated on him. when he gets angry, she will get over you extremely soon (especially when he meets someone new), it's alot hurtful to be strung along but u treat him differently, and breaking off saying what i think is unreasonable "want to focus on career". he knows that focusing on career isnt the real reason. he knows it. so when u want to break up, just do it, say what really happens that makes u decide to end it off. he deserves the next girl who wants him just the way he wants her. dont wory, he WILL get over you. and i hope that when u trully in a commited relationship next time, u shouldn't be all upset when the guy ends up breaking it off with u just as u did with ur ex. end of story.

I don't think her reason for breaking up is really bullshit like you think. I think she really isn't capable of having a serious relationship right now... and she's said that.

[vashti]

But you have to settle down some time. You can't learn forever from different relationships, at some point you have to settle just for one (or none).

I disagree. Most people choose to settle down at some point, but it certainly isn't mandated, nor does everyone do it.

[Mish]

I disagree. Most people choose to settle down at some point, but it certainly isn't mandated, nor does everyone do it.

What do you mean by mandated Vash? Do you mean you don't have to work at settling down? Settling down doesn't just happen on it's own. You have to work at settling differences, work on issues that come up (which always do), maintaining balance.

[vashti]

But you have to settle down some time.

I was referring to that. ^ No one HAS to settle down.

[Mish]

I was referring to that. ^ No one HAS to settle down.

It's settle down or be alone. Those are the choices.

If you settle down, you work. If you don't be at peace alone.

[IndiReloaded]

TYou can't learn forever from different relationships, at some point you have to settle just for one (or none).

I agree with this. Serial monogamy only takes one so far. Eventually, you just keep repeating the pattern. Making a conscious commitment to a 'permanent' relationship (meaning that there's an intention for it to be that way) & the lessons that come from that, are very different from other sorts of relationships.

The closest analogy to marriage (at least my version of it) I can explain, for those who aren't, is that of raising children. Once you have kids there's no quitting. You can't give them back. So, those times where they drive you crazy or even do something really bad, you have to find a way to solve the problem. There's no other choice but to learn from a situation & move forward.

Of course, there are some ppl who aren't even that committed to their children. Tho my mind boggles at that, its nevertheless an unfortunate truth. So its certainly not a given for marriage.

Ultimately, nothing has meaning unless YOU want it to. Is marriage 'less permanent' now than before? Only for some. The fact that there are more divorces, to my mind, is simply a symptom of our 'disposable, trade-up, its all about ME' society. Like Mish said, that's fine for a while to gain some experience, but eventually you reach a point where you realize you are repeating the same mistakes, just with different people. There's no growth.

[vashti]

I think all is fair until the kids start coming, at which point is ceases to be about individual needs. Kid's needs trump all, but until then, trade partners as often as is needed to find the right fit, and for god's sake, don't try forcing it. Once those kids come, you will be sorry you did.

Of course, we've discussed this before...

[Mish]

Ultimately, nothing has meaning unless YOU want it to. Is marriage 'less permanent' now than before? Only for some. The fact that there are more divorces, to my mind, is simply a symptom of our 'disposable, trade-up, its all about ME' society. Like Mish said, that's fine for a while to gain some experience, but eventually you reach a point where you realize you are repeating the same mistakes, just with different people. There's no growth.

I agree with this. I think it also has to do that people these days give up too quickly. Many see that if something is not working out then its definetly time to give up. Not understanding that ultimately they are making things worse for themselves. One is they are not learning how to fix these problems they are giving up on. Two they are letting go of everything they've already built with their partner. And three they will eventually have to face these or similar kinds of problems with other people, if they continue giving up over and over again then they just get stuck in the same place only with different people.

Though, it doesn't mean that people have to try permanetly. It just means they have to give it their best shot so they can look back and be at peace that they did try. And if something is not meant to be after that then it's not meant to be.

[Cain]

I think all is fair until the kids start coming, at which point is ceases to be about individual needs. Kid's needs trump all, but until then, trade partners as often as is needed to find the right fit, and for god's sake, don't try forcing it. Once those kids come, you will be sorry you did.

Of course, we've discussed this before...

For the most part, I agree with what Vash is saying as long as the person that is constantly moving up isn't doing it the wrong way. If someone knows that they suck at finding the right relationship, they should take things slower each time to ensure that the other person doesn't get too emotionally invested.