My relationship is over

[Rosebud]

NO I don't want to leave him. But we have a lot we need to discuss if we are going to stay together. Obvisouly, I need to know a few things as I also need to tell him a lot of things. All this happened for a reason and If we don't discuss all the issues we have and figure out what both of us really truly want we'll never be happy in any outcome!

[indigosoul]

Rosebud, are you sure he doesn't have a girl on the side? Or maybe one he is interested in? It's hard for me to imagine a guy would so easily and abruptly leave his daughter unless he had somewhere else to go...

I didn't want to complicate anything by saying this, BUT, since it was brought up.... I had the EXACT same thought. Not that it changes anything about what she needs to do...

Maybe Vash & I are cynical, but we HAVE been married a long time. Seen a lot of stuff.... I hope we are dead wrong.

[Rosebud]

I didn't want to complicate anything by saying this, BUT, since it was brought up.... I had the EXACT same thought. Not that it changes anything about what she needs to do...

Maybe Vash & I are cynical, but we HAVE been married a long time. Seen a lot of stuff.... I hope we are dead wrong.

Why would you get that impression? I'm normally pretty good about spotting that stuff myself.

so do you want to leave this guy or what

Hugo- Did i come off as though I wanted to leave him?

[Hugo Pickle]

That was the point of my first posting concerning this thread and what Mish was mentioning and even Cybog to an extent. I feel that you "screwed up" for a deep-down and personal reason, even if you didn’t admit it and you regretted it later. I think that you really do not want to stay with this guy, but you’re afraid to leave. I think that the trust is gone and this relationship has been stale and passionless for some time.

I think you keep pushing people away, even when you really like them. Re-read my first post about your name and what I think your statements really mean. I don't say all this to get to you, not at all; in fact, I’m just kind of letting it dribble out matter of factly without feeling. All this drama is getting tiresome to me. Now that it seems that he just needs to calm down, and your not crying anymore, I feel like a firefighter who got all suited up only to help quench a lit match, carelessly dropped by a chain smoker. Although all the firefighters here have been thanked for "responding", I can't help but bite my tongue about things for the betterment of all and just simply leave this thread and not look back.

I will still ask Kim to stop by and maybe talk to you, you both sound like you have a lot in common.

[Rosebud]

I believe myself I did it for a reason. But I don't feel that reason was to push him away. i think that reason was to find out if he really loves me and wants to be with me as much as he says he does. The reason I may come off sometimes as though I don't is becasue I dont' know where he is coming from at times. That has been what all my other threads have been about as well. Does he really want to marry me? Why hasn't he asked, why doesn't he do this or that?

Look I'm tryingt o figure out all this stuff in my head as well which is why I'm taking this weekend to do so. There is a lot that needs to be thought about. Yes there are things about him I do not like but I will find that with anyone. But if he does not want to marry me...I see no point in us being togheter. Why should be? we are all ready going to be in each other's lives fro ever if we don't want the same things with each other why make it harder?

And no it has not been passionless or stale. there have bumps that may last a few weeks but it wasn't like the whole thing just died and has been that way fro awhile. I think it's all to easy to say either you stay or you leave.... what about the in between? I know Mish will know what I'm talking about on that!

It's hard for me to describe my whole relationship of 5 years in just a few posts, but if this relationship was really doomed from the beginning I wouldn't have stayed as long as I have...child or not! I'm some niave 16yr old who is just afraid to be alone or leave someone. I have dated a few people and I know how things work.

[Cybog]

I believe myself I did it for a reason. But I don't feel that reason was to push him away. i think that reason was to find out if he really loves me and wants to be with me as much as he says he does.

This about sums it up. Testing your relationship in any form is ALWAYS a great idea. Because what better way to find out if someone loves you than to push them away? haha

Does he really want to marry me? Why hasn't he asked, why doesn't he do this or that?

You have made about 20 references about getting married. Has the thought that he doesn't like being pressured by YOU been considered yet? That he shouldn't feel OBLIGATED to do ANYTHING in a relationship, and yet you have been pressuring him to do just that over the past few years?

I'm some niave 16yr old who is just afraid to be alone or leave someone. I have dated a few people and I know how things work.

A little Freudian slip there. I think you were trying to say that you WEREN'T a naive 16 year old. However, as a 26 year old girl who has been in the same relationship since you were 21, the fact that you "dated a few people" doesn't instantly make you an expert on men or relationships. It is bluntly obvious that there are a thousand problems with this one that you aren't willing to admit.

Why would you be a fool for going back to him? Because it only goes to show just how dependant you are on someone who doesn't want to be with you. Do you realize just how wrapped up and possessive this person is? Do you have any idea how pathetically immature he is? Do you realize that he has no idea or concept of "taking care of" anything?

What type of person walks out on his girlfriend and his daughter, takes her only means of transportation, (Smart move letting him take your vehicle...this only shows how you can't let go) empties the joint bank account, then walks away from his family to "clear things up"...all because of something untrue he heard from his buddies?

This is a classic case of a couple of two people trying to play "house" and having no business being together. You don't know what a solid relationship is, and he doesn't have a clue what it means to take responsibility and to man up to his obligation - nor does he know who to trust or believe.

He needs to grow up and realize that in the Real World, throwing a temper tantrum and storming off because of some bullshit lie is NOT ACCEPTED. And you are simply empowering his dumbass by sending him the message that this is "ok" if you allow him to come back!

You have said that I don't know what it means to be a parent - Do either of you?

[Hugo Pickle]

Yes, I do understand the in-between. That’s why in some of the posts that I have made I have mentioned to people that you can still be good friends with your ex-lover. A lot of people don’t understand the in-between, but that’s because they are not willing to work with people. To them it is all or none. But at the same time, standards have to be met. Respect has to be mutual. If vital things are lacking, then it is time to move on.

I have mentioned before that women test men all the time. I forgot who all the regular women on this forum were who told me that I was wrong in saying that. I am glad that you said that after thinking about it, that’s what you think you did. Even if you didn’t plan for it to be like that, it doesn’t matter because that’s the way that you look at it now. So in the end, women test men all the time, but men test women all the time as well, just in different ways.

I can’t answer the question, “Why hasn’t he asked you to marry him?”; but, I can guess it has something to do with the possibility that he has not had a lot of serious relationships with women outside of yours. Not that that’s a bad thing, but communication is a learned skill, it is not something that we are born with. The deeper and more personal the subject matter, the more difficult the lesson it is to learn to communicate it. Often times, just like the thing that you just did, we don’t even realize why we do certain things until we think about it first ourselves. This makes it all the more difficult to explain to someone else something that we don’t even understand ourselves.

But the point now is to talk to your boyfriend about this. I firmly believe that even a sour relationship can be mended, and later re-shaped, into something more beautiful than it once was. I believe this because I have seen small examples of it and I understand that in order for the sanctity of marriage to be truly blessed in any religious sense whatsoever, then it must be true that if both people want things to get better, and are willing to work very hard at it, then all things must be possible. A must have faith that a truly loving God would not lock us into a life long commitment of marriage if this were not true.

But it still takes two to tango.

[Cybog]

But the point now is to talk to your boyfriend about this. I firmly believe that even a sour relationship can be mended, and later reshaped, into something more beautiful than it once was.

Not one like this.

Break up - Get back together - Break up - Get back together....

1/250,000 chance, if that. Not only that, WHY would anyone what this relationship to continue?

[alice]

He needs to grow up and realize that in the Real World, throwing a temper tantrum and storming off because of some bullshit lie is NOT ACCEPTED. And you are simply empowering his dumbass by sending him the message that this is "ok" if you allow him to come back!

rose, cy is right there. even though it's the only part of his post that i subscribe to, i think it's enough to REALLY think about if you want him back.

[Rosebud]

Cybog-
Ok the last post I wrote I was really tired and I wanted to clarify some things but I also want to hit on some points that people have made.

I was testing my relationship subsciounsly, It wasn't like I said ok.."today i'm going to see if he really does care by doing this." And I wasn't trying to push him away. Don't you think, problems that are uresolved in the past conitnuesly come up until they are truly fixed? I do and that's not just relationships that's everything in life.

Yes I have said things about getting married becasue that's what HE has talked about since we got together..one of the first reasons we broke up was becasue I was 21 and wasn't ready to settle. He has stated this is something he has wanted, which I do as well. But when it comes to someone telling you this is what they want and not doing the actions to back up their words doesn't that present some kind of confusion to you as well? I have never pressured him into anything except to talk to me. But if you have a child with soemone and you have done everything a couple possibly could wouldn't you think the only other thing that was left was marriage or to move on from that partner? He has been the one to always bring it up and then not doing anything about it for whatever reason. Which is one of the things we need to talk about. What does he really want?

I never said I was an ecpert on relationships or men. I said I can relate to the situation because I have had many differnet realtionships and have learned from them all. Everything is a learning experience, and I'm not new to relationships in anyway, nor do I not know myself and how I act in them. I am willing to admit this relationship has problems and has had problems. We have worked through many of them and some of them not. But Why is so wrong for me to want to work at things instead of giving up on it all and walking away? We have become stronger and closer with one another becasue we have gotten through allt he stuff that has come our way. Iw ould much rather have a relationship that has had rought times and we have grown from them to have one that has been perfect and had a blind eye to who my partner really is because I wouldn't get the chance to see all sides.

Me going back to him has nothign to do with being dependent on anyone. Is has to do with me loving him, and wanting to be with him. And he hasn't told me he doesn't want to be with me. Since he left he has called me 6 times telling me how much he misses me and our daughter. Granted I don't understand why he would he would stay some where else either. But I'm going by what he says which isfor time to think..which is really what I needed as well to find out all the things we need to work on if we are going to stay togheter. And yes I do know how imature he is and and yes I wish at times he were more inclined to take care of things. But then again when someone get's hurt and feels betrayed would you want them to whatever they wanted with the money you worked hard for (granted I didn't like him thinking that fo me), or taking anymore advantage of you while your already down? I mean I can understand why he did this..he was hurt and again HE DIDN"T HEAR ANYTHING FROM HIS BUDDIES,HE HEARD EVERYTHING FROM ME.

And I didn't let him take my vehicle! He has been using to go to and from work and when he came home he was still very angry and I wasn't about to say you ahve to stay here so I can vehicle tonight...where the hell was I going to go with my daughter in bed? He came back the next day and I knew he would.

And yes I do know what a solid relationship is.. Just becasue soemthing has problems doesn't meant hey can't be fixed. I don't understand why other people think the first sign of a problem they ahve to run. And granted we are not married and most people would walk away because of that but that's not me. I don't get things that come easy to me, I ahve had to work for everything I ave and more proud of them because of that! I do understand what you mean by telling him it's ok to do this but like I said for us to get back together there is a lot that needs to be discussed whether we want to be together or not we have to decided if that is right for us or not. I hear what your saying cybog and maybe I'm just thick headed on some things, but if this is not right for me then I will move on..but I'm not just going to say ok by without even talking to him to find out why he did all this and vice versa.

You have said that I don't know what it means to be a parent - Do either of you?

And why the hell would you say this to me? I spend my life day in and day out providing my daughter which what she needs, and teaching her to be a good person and respect things, and so on.. I have said a few things in here about her but you have nothing to base this on, I have not discussed how my parenting skills are but I will tell you again...My daugther is my life. Just because I ahve toher problems doesn't ever mean she takes a back burner!

[Rosebud]

Not one like this.

Break up - Get back together - Break up - Get back together....

1/250,000 chance, if that. Not only that, WHY would anyone what this relationship to continue?

That was in the first year of our relationship... And how about because we love each other and we want it to work??

[RSK]

1/250,000 chance...

So your saying there is a chance!

[clynn]

Oh Rosebud I am so sorry for your troubles. (I missed this whole thread the last couple of days as I haven't been in this forum).

I don't have much to say as I don't really consider myself very experienced in these matters.

But good for you for sticking in there and trying to make it work. 1) because you have a daughter together and 2) because people these days are so willing to throw in the towel it seems to me.

Like you say, something needed to happen, one way or the other, for their to be some forward movement. And I hope that things come around for the two of you in a positive way. I guess whatever is meant to be, will be, adn you'll thrive in spite of all of it.

But for now, throw your shoulders back, hold your head up...at this stage it seems you've done what you can ... and the ball is really in his court now.

(Plus, as others have said....I don't really like how he has run off like this...and it does seem like an overreaction to a minor event.....but perhaps, as you've said, this is the tempest that needs to be settled).

[alice]

rose, i know i've always sounded very negative in my replies to your situation, and i still don't like the way he's been acting, but i do give you credit for not giving this up easily, and i think it takes a lot of courage to still keep trying to make your relationship work. but i'm also very afraid you're going to exhaust yourself in the effort – please, don't let him drain yourself until you haven't got any of your strength left!!!

[Rosebud]

Well thank you. I just don't believe in giving up when things get hard. As many have said on here, you guys don't really don't know our relationship and I can only explain so much in few words. But If I really felt as though it wasn't worth the time or effort, I wouldn't put any into it.. That I do know. I've been burned a lot in the past and I know when to draw the line on most things. But this is not one of those times.

And yes his reaction I was overreacting and we will talk about that, but I can too some extent understand but still, something needs to be handled differently in the future. He is coming around. he has already called me 6 times from the time he left yesterday, not yet today.. But even though I want to work this out doesn't mean it will happen. I can't be the one putting all the effort inot it and he has to see this is a relationship not just one person who has made mistakes but two people. So we will talk about all this stuff and I still don't know the outcome but it all comes with time.

Some of you may not agree with me working this out, But as I said before I believe all things in life that are worth anything need to be worked at to achieve your goal. nothing in life comes easy and if they did, how would you grow or learn from them?

So again. Thank you to everyone and I will you guys posted on all this! You guys really ahve been my support team through all of this the past few months!