Infidelity of a parent

[lovemuffin]

No, muffin, you are just clueless about this, sorry. How many long-term married couples do you actually know & have had a *frank* conversation about their relationship with?

I can absolutely guarantee that anyone who has been together longer than approx 10 years has dealt with some kind of issue of this sort. Not always cheating, perhaps its lies (there are levels), or work habits, spending, family issues... all kinds of situations where absolute honesty might actually cause MORE harm than good.

I've had frank conversations with quite a few couples.

Lumping infidelity in with other lies, work habits, spending.... is NOT applicable in my book. Sorry. People and marriages can become DEVISTATED by infidelity. I wasn't even married to the guy who cheated on me and I'm still suffering emotioanlly. This isn't just a matter similar to spending a couple hundred dollars without telling your partner.

I am also curious if you and Vashti have ever dealt with the topic first-hand.

[lovemuffin]

Crederer... you might want to check out these forums for infidelity advice. Some of these people have been dealing and helping others for a long time and really know the topic well inside and out.

[url]http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp[/url]
[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi01_forum.html[/url]

[vashti]

I've had frank conversations with quite a few couples.

Lumping infidelity in with other lies, work habits, spending.... is NOT applicable in my book. Sorry. People and marriages can become DEVISTATED by infidelity. I wasn't even married to the guy who cheated on me and I'm still suffering emotioanlly. This isn't just a matter similar to spending a couple hundred dollars without telling your partner.

I am also curious if you and Vashti have ever dealt with the topic first-hand.

Are you asking if *I* have ever cheated? No. Nor has my husband. But my parents did, and since I have been married for about 100 years, I know PLENTY of couples that went through it, and of course, I had a boyfriend (before I married) that slept around. (Who hasn't?)

How old are you? I wonder because I used to feel like you when I was young (teens & 20s), which makes me think our perspectives may have much to do with age and duration of marriage. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and even short term marriages are different than long term marriages. While infidelity is painful (and may even be MORE painful) for the short-timers, your priorities change when you have kids and raise a family together. Marriage is not SOLELY a romantic-love endeavor at that point; it is also a partnership, like a business, and there is much more at stake when dissolving it than hurt feelings.

[lovemuffin]

Are you asking if *I* have ever cheated? No. Nor has my husband. But my parents did, and since I have been married for about 100 years, I know PLENTY of couples that went through it, and of course, I had a boyfriend (before I married) that slept around. (Who hasn't?)

How old are you? I wonder because I used to feel like you when I was young (teens & 20s), which makes me think our perspectives may have much to do with age and duration of marriage. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and even short term marriages are different than long term marriages. While infidelity is painful (and may even be MORE painful) for the short-timers, your priorities change when you have kids and raise a family together. Marriage is not SOLELY a romantic-love endeavor at that point; it is also a partnership, like a business, and there is much more at stake when dissolving it than hurt feelings.

I'm in my 30s.. and yes, I understand the partnership aspects of marriage.

So you don't have direct experience with infidelity in a long-term/serious relationship/marriage. Pardon my saying it... but I think getting advice from someone who has actually been thru a similar situation is more helpful than someone who hasn't. Also, I used to think about infidelity, as you do.... before it happened to me. Don't think if you found out tomorrow your husband has been having an affair you could just simply and rationally work through it. If you don't truly know the pain of it, you have NO idea how difficult it can be. There are not a lot of people who don't suffer major ramifications and "triggers" whether they try to work it out wityh the other person or not.

[vashti]

LOL! I just told you I had a cheating boyfriend. Although I was young, I was with him for almost 5 years. I should think if you consider yourself qualified to give advice based on that criteria, I am qualified as well.

Additionally, like the original poster, I had parents who cheated, and like his parents, I've been married for a long time.

You might want to rethink your last post.

Perhaps your self-admitted emotional sufferring makes it a bit harder for you to give objective advice.

[IndiReloaded]

I've had frank conversations with quite a few couples.

Lumping infidelity in with other lies, work habits, spending.... is NOT applicable in my book. Sorry. People and marriages can become DEVISTATED by infidelity. I wasn't even married to the guy who cheated on me and I'm still suffering emotioanlly. This isn't just a matter similar to spending a couple hundred dollars without telling your partner.

I am also curious if you and Vashti have ever dealt with the topic first-hand.

Are you joking? Infidelity is only one way to ruin a marriage, there are many. There are lots of couples who divorce b/c of spending habits/money, which is why I gave that example. In fact, ask any counsellor & they will tell you its one of THE primary reasons for conflict.

And yes, I do have first hand experience of this situation. In my case, however, my parents were adult enough to keep things to themselves until I was old enough to understand. And you know what? I'm *glad* they did. Because in hindsight, I wouldn't have understood and now I can see both sides of their situation.

Vash has been married 100 years, I'm like 99. Sorry darling, but our experience cards trump yours, if you want to make that argument.

[lovemuffin]

Are you joking? Infidelity is only one way to ruin a marriage, there are many. There are lots of couples who divorce b/c of spending habits/money, which is why I gave that example. In fact, ask any counsellor & they will tell you its one of THE primary reasons for conflict.

And yes, I do have first hand experience of this situation. In my case, however, my parents were adult enough to keep things to themselves until I was old enough to understand. And you know what? I'm *glad* they did. Because in hindsight, I wouldn't have understood and now I can see both sides of their situation.

Vash has been married 100 years, I'm like 99. Sorry darling, but our experience cards trump yours, if you want to make that argument.

Yes I understand money and other issues can lead to the demise of a marriage... but I don't think there are many things as PAINFUL as infidelity and ability to turn around.

That's great your parents kept it to themselves. Unfortunately for creder.... he is in a different category.

[IndiReloaded]

I was responding specifically to your word "devastating" and your point that other marriage problems aren't in the same category as infidelity.

Clearly, that is simply not true. I dunno about others, but personally, I would be *far* more devastated to find out my spouse had been playing on the stock market w/o telling me, or spending like crazy, and we were about to lose our houses, or our retirement investments. People actually do this kind of shit. I would put that far above some transient fling with some woman.

But, that's just me.

[Lite]

Honestly the problem I see here is that it seems that your mother's behavior has emasculated your father in your eyes.

[lovemuffin]

I was responding specifically to your word "devastating" and your point that other marriage problems aren't in the same category as infidelity.

Clearly, that is simply not true. I dunno about others, but personally, I would be *far* more devastated to find out my spouse had been playing on the stock market w/o telling me, or spending like crazy, and we were about to lose our houses, or our retirement investments. People actually do this kind of shit. I would put that far above some transient fling with some woman.

But, that's just me.

I asked if you had first-hand experience... meaning your own experience with infidelity. Also, I'm not just necessarily referring to transient flings. Are you saying you would feel less devistated to discover your partner was having an affair the last 5 years of their marriage and maybe even considering leaving you for the other person versus losing a lot of money?

[vashti]

I asked if you had first-hand experience... meaning your own experience with infidelity. Also, I'm not just necessarily referring to transient flings. Are you saying you would feel less devistated to discover your partner was having an affair the last 5 years of their marriage and maybe even considering leaving you for the other person versus losing a lot of money?

I would. Our money is meant to send my kids to college. I'd kill my husband if he blew it stupidly without my consent. If he wants to run off with another woman, fine. Just leave the kids their college money, and hand over the keys.

[lesa]

Marriage life sounds rough!

[Lite]

Marriage life sounds rough!

Life is rough. Married life just means you have to deal with your problems (with some support) and support them through theirs.

Life is hard, it's a realistic understanding about how the world works.

[Gribble]

Hey kid, your mom got disconnected last night. Would you pass along a message for me? Tell her I said she ain't a half bad piece of ass for a broad her age.

[IndiReloaded]

I asked if you had first-hand experience... meaning your own experience with infidelity. Also, I'm not just necessarily referring to transient flings. Are you saying you would feel less devistated to discover your partner was having an affair the last 5 years of their marriage and maybe even considering leaving you for the other person versus losing a lot of money?

First off, men rarely leave their marriages for these flings. Not if their wives are anything close to reasonable, which I happen to be. So, honestly, my answer would be yes, I'd be less devastated over an affair than trashing our hard financial work. Like Vash said, our financial security isn't just for us, its for our son & our future.

The truth is, any woman who has an affair w/a married man deserves what is coming to her. Sure, the guy will tell her she is getting all the *important* stuff (his love, attention, etc), but really what does she have? She spreads her legs for him but he goes home to her & his kids, has family dinners, vacations, outings, etc, while she is left waiting for the phone to ring. She gets nothing while the wife still has pretty much everything.

And, should he actually decide to leave his wife for his fling, then she gets a cheater who doesn't understand commitment. So, chances are, he'll do it to her again later. Marriages that start as affairs rarely last. Such is the cycle.

So, nope, I might be pissed & inconvenienced, and I totally wouldn't sleep with him, but I wouldn't be devastated. Shrug.