you think my boyfriend is controlling?

[RdHrshyKss]

yeah, my opinion on all of this is that he's not worth all this energy. he sounds like a loser...i'd dump him.

[lilxcutie53]

Stop worrying ahead of time. You wanna find out? try to simulate it with him. If you are good at this, you'll know him better, and you learn how to push his buttons as well (I read about your post about him trying to push your buttons. You start from here hehehe... )

Haha what? what do u mean stimulate? I know where some of them are...like if I talk to a guy in a bar, and things, but I dont like to too often cuz its mean.

Regarding the pasta incident, he let the pain in his arm go to his head. Such a situation requires an understanding from you when he went all ballistic on you and became sarcastic. Just breathe it out and be silent.You don't solve things by escalating it further. There might even come a time if he is in great pain and you'll try to help him and he might get physical with you. It's more of a threshold of pain issue. If he's got a low threshold, he'll likely be more touchy if he's in pain. The sauce and meatball part might have been an aftershock of what he just experienced and was just venting, if he was just being rude he would've reacted in a lighter manner especially when handling hot meatballs.


Just a small advice, when his family is chewing him out in front of you, don't look at him in any way, and never get involved. Just act like you didn't see or hear anything. And don't try to discuss it with him either. let it go. if he wants to talk about it, he will. This is just an advance warning, I'm not saying that you're currently doing it. If you're already following this, good for you.

yeah, I just kinda ignored him..and let his dad take over, and just got my food and sat down and started eating. once he cooled down he started talking to me and then eventually he told me why he was so afraid of being burned.

what about it again? sorry, I got lost somewhere. Did you mean phone calls or name calling?

I meant like when he says he will call and then doesnt. and u can tell me what to do when he name calls tooo

[nerdy_guy]

Haha what? what do u mean stimulate? I know where some of them are...like if I talk to a guy in a bar, and things, but I dont like to too often cuz its mean.

Simulate, not stimulate. You know, force things to happen on a hypothetical basis. Make up a story about something that involves your mom getting on your nerves. You'll find out what he thinks of your mom sooner. And stop talking to other guys in the bar. You already know what that "button" does. Its not helping out, and its childish.

You really can't force the phone calls issue with him. That is direct manipulation of how he feels about you. I suggest you let this go. This will be your gauge as to how much he really cares about you. You try to change this and you'll end up having an artificial emotion from him. What that means is that, he'll be calling you because you told him to, and not because that is how he really feels. Would you like that? As to name calling, that is plain disrespectful, and if you retaliate by calling him names as well, you've stooped down to his level. You'll be just as childish as him. Just stand your ground, tell him that its rude, and if he really can't respect you, well, the only advice that I can offer is you is to find someone else that will. Sorry, but I'm really not used to couples disrespecting each other. There is no love in there.

You remember my earlier posts right? The part that I told you that if there is too much to change about him, its not worth it?

[IndiReloaded]

Okay, its seems that lilcutie is all about the emotional drama now. Stop feeding the beast.

@ Lilcutie (your SN says it all): Shit or get off the pot, girl. Break up with him or shut up about it already.

[lilxcutie53]

Okay, its seems that lilcutie is all about the emotional drama now. Stop feeding the beast.

@ Lilcutie (your SN says it all): Shit or get off the pot, girl. Break up with him or shut up about it already.

geeeez....I was only asking him questions because his advice is really really good and its really helpful for me. Dont read my thread if it bothers you.

as far as name calling...he doesnt really do it. I was only curious in case it did happen. and what you described that I should do if it happend, i would.

and your right..if theres too many things to fix, then its like id be changing my whole bf, so its not worth it, thats why certain things that annoy me, I just accept because no one is perfect and its who he is.

[nerdy_guy]

Would you really live in a very dilapidated house situated in the middle of the CBD? I don't know where you are so I can't relate a good place. Yes, when you come out of the house, the mall is right across the street, the bar, is just beside it, your work area is just a few blocks away, basically everything is accessible. But the place you live in is barely livable. roof leaks big time, holes in the wall the size of fists, you've got cracked windows, water pipes are rusty and leaking. toilet clogs up every other time you use it. its full of dust and cobwebs. Yes, you could fix it, but every time the you fix a part, it won't last long, sometimes, if it lasts, a new crack or hole appears. On top of that, its always noisy outside. people walking by, vehicle noises, etc...

This scenario is how I see your boyfriend. He has his good things which you really appreciate. But are those enough to counterbalance the problems that you experience with him?

[lilxcutie53]

I see what you are saying about his good qualities and how they may not counterbalance the bad ones. . A lot of times when I described certain situations in this post was when he was blaming me for what he was feeling. He tends to do that A LOT. and at first I didnt realize ing is that, he's my first real relationship, so our relationship has progressed incredibly slowly due to me trying to figure everything out. He 2 hasnt been in realhe was doing it, but then I started to notice a pattern of him deliebertly saying certain things to make me feel bad. Its things like "oh you ditching me again.." "you never answer your phone..." like you can pick that out easily and realize that hes saying those things on purpose. It took me like at least 5 months of the relationship to see that. I learn a lot slower than most people, so it took me a lot longer then the average person to see that he did that. So now that I know he does it, I respond by saying "ok....." or "Im sorry thats how you feel.." Im acting as if I dont feel bad for how hes feeling, because of the way hes saying it to me. but now since him and I have really started finally talking about our feelings to each other, its been harder to pick out.


I'll give you a good example from last night. Here is the situation: He asked me to hang out yesterday. I was having a BBQ with some family and I told him that. So he said "well im going to top golf with some friends, do you want to come with or just hang out after" I said "lets just hang out after because I am with my family" so he said that he was gonna call me when he was on his way home. anyways, I was watching TV at home waiting for him to be done, and I get a text that says "hey were still at top golf..what are u doing?" heres the rest of the convo:

me: Watching the Bachalorette
bf: cooooool....haha
me: hah yah baby

^I would reply back, then wait 10 or so min for him to reply, then i would reply back immediately

bf: well, I think im just gonna go home after this..we still have one bucket left, plus ur having fun anyways.
I dont respond for like 5 min.( I was playing on FB)
bf: k, I guess ill call you tomorrow after work seems like you dont wanna chill
me: I thought u said that you were going to home anyways?
bf: its all good (he is only saying this because he is pretending that its fine that we dont hang out...clearly u can tell that he was upset..hes just trying to cover it up)
me: dont accuse me of not wanting to hang out when you said that you were just gonna go home in the first place!
bf: lol u didnt say anything in regards to us hangng out so i assumed u didnt want to hang out, u didnt even text me back, shut up.
me:yeah because earlier in the day I remember you saying that you would hang out after u were dont with Top Golf. so I was waiting until you were done and than I got a text from you saying that you were just gonna go home and that you have a bucket left. We can still chill, but I would think you would want to just go home now cuz you have work early.
bf: yeah..well you didnt even seem like you wanted to hang out, all you said was you were really into your stupid show.....ok....I guess ill do something else....
me:I was watching the bachelor until you were done...that doesnt mean I wasnt wanting to hang out... just ask next time...cuz now you decided to do something else bc u assumed that I didnt wanna hang out and then it got too late and u then decided to go home bc u thought I didnt wanna hang out.
bf: ok this is rediciculous...I said its all good from the get go and you blamed me for saying u didnt wanna hang out? its ok, but dnt act like you dont wanna chill or im gonna assume that you dont.
me: yah i blamed you bc in your text you said that it seemed like I didnt wanna chill. and when you asked what I was doing I said I was watching the bachelor and I thought u were going to call to hang out when you were done. But its fine, its just a mis communication.

then he didnt text back, and I texted him back saying good night. then he replyed, night babe.

someone once told me to not allow him to blame, because thats a manipulative way of trying to get reassurance...
I dont really know what I should of said instead so he couldnt manipulate me... by him manipulating the situation like that...is that damaging to the relationship?

[nerdy_guy]

Yes, it is damaging to the relationship. There are 2 things you have to remember. If it makes you feel bad AND you gain nothing from it. Then it is no good. in this situation, you're just bickering with him over stuff that are small and irrelevant. You seem to work hard on this relationship but I feel that he's really not into it. I don't see him pulling his own weight. In fact, I feel that he's even quite damaging to the relationship itself. Do you know why people in this forum expect you to dump him and move on? because they see that he is nothing more than a dead weight. At first, they saw you as a princess, THAT made you spend more for him, you didn't exactly get their point but you did try to make changes for the better and that counts as effort. But what about him?
Based on what you are posting, he seems to be doing just the bare minimum. He's basically just doing enough to be called a boyfriend. He's not even willing to take responsibility for his actions.

In a mature relationship, you don't exactly count the sweet lovey dovey stuff in, those things are just accessories that makes relationship fun, they're not there to make it work. If it were a dish, those are just the herbs and spices, Those things are not the meat and potatoes itself. What you're trying to do is dousing a lot of hot sauce onto a rock hoping that it would resemble more like food. In the end, its still not edible.

The only time it is good to feel bad if it is something constructive ( and I'm expecting you to ask me what this means again. See? I even know you better than your boyfriend). If you don't learn any lesson from it aside from retaliation and manipulation, then its not exactly healthy anymore.

[IncognitoSir]

I cant believe this thread is still going...

[nerdy_guy]

I cant believe this thread is still going...

We're going for a world record here

[lilxcutie53]

hahah yeah! What does it mean? the constructive thing...



lol! Like big things he apologizes for! If we get into a huge fight or something he will apologize the next day and things like that...just little stuff he doesn't apologize for. I should of just ended the convo at "its all good" but I was on a role with what my thoughts were....I get what you saying about not putting a lot in. I'm trying to think of a way to explain it....
He makes first contact everyday early in the morning...When we were at school we were always hanging out and sleeping with each other. It was sorta easier to hang out more at school because his roommates were dating mine at the time, so we were always together. At home none of his friends have gfs so I only hang out with him and his friends, unless I bring my girlfriends along. We hang out every day. sometimes we will go 1-2 days not hanging out, but thats ok bc you need to give each other space. The only time he TRIES to make me feel bad manipulatively is most of the time when we have been drinking and his emotions got the best of him and its mad at me about something. For instance, the whole money issue at the bar. After i decided that it was stupid that we were arguing in a bar about it, once we left he was deliberately trying to make me feel bad. He would say things like "you dont care about me..." "oh..what thats smell steph..smells like food..." ( I LOVE eating food when im drunk haha) anyways, I ignored him the whole time and kept walking and had a good time talking with his friends. once we got into the car, I had to sit on his lap and he was kissing my neck, and messaging my back and stuff. and in the morning he was really sweet. ..so it that what you mean by him trying to make me feel bad, but then I gain something from it?
The next day I bought him lunch and he asked why? and I said "bc I want to" im not sure that was the right move or not.

and actually a lot of times I think he is one that retaliates ( puts me in his shoes) when he thinks ive done something wrong...but I honestly, never know what I do so it often leaves me confused...

I never retaliate with my actions, its more so my words. If he says something thats sarcastic to me, then I'll be sarcastic back. I would never do this: Lets say he said he would call me and then never did? I would never be the one to get back at him and not call him the next day... the only thing I would do is..pretend I dont care, not do anything about it and the next day not pick up right away when he called, and then finally call back and already made plans...but thats not reaally retaliating. thats just giving him the message that if he chooses not call me that he shouldnt expect me to be available for him the next day.

I guess the good thing is that hes going back to school and that'll be a test to see if he really cares about me or not. bc we will have a long distance relationship for 3-4 months...


We've never really talked about things that ive done wrong. The only times hes told me to fix things was when he was feeling insecure about a situation and we had a nice, mature conversation about it. and he told me things that I did that made him feel insecure and ive changed them. and I told him during that conversation since hes telling me something to change, its only fair that he do the same if I have an issue with something. sometimes I feel like he doesnt change them. so at this point I agree with you...

[nerdy_guy]

He made you feel bad, he kisses you after and be all sweet. No, that is not a real gain, that is a very shallow gain. Maybe you missed the part where I said that lovey dovey is just an accessory. Yes, it made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. BUT, did it really fix the problem long term?

Coming from a more conservative background, here's an example: If you were my girlfriend and you wore a skimpy dress for a formal party, I'd tell you "That dress makes you look like a prostitute looking for a client, go change." That would sound mean and hurtful. But you gained something, you'd realized that there are things that are inappropriate to wear on a certain occasion and thus avoided making a fool out of yourself. Or, it might be that you're a very poor speller, I'd tell you outright that you've got serious spelling issues and would tell you to go read more books. For some people that is also hurtful. But if you heed my advice, you'll improve at spelling and would avoid making a fool of yourself. These examples affect you for the rest of your life, They hurt, but they make you a better person. Of course, if you're so full of yourself, you'll find it plainly offensive, dismiss the whole thing, blame me for making you feel bad, and continue doing what you're doing. That, of course, gets the relationship nowhere then right? Again, real gains make you a better person, they're not there to make you feel good.

Here's a practical example: You're a teacher right? Would your students gain knowledge if you keep giving them passing grades, knowing that what they put on the answer sheet is wrong? Yes, they'd feel good about passing, but are you really making them more knowledgeable in the long term?

[Mish]

Nerdy and lil53,, seating on a tree....

[lilxcutie53]

It wont let me send u a private message...I think people are becoming annoyed with this thread. lol!

What do you think about this situation.


It actually happened tonight!
were going to the beach for a couple of days before he goes back to school. and so then today when we were talking he was explaining that since were gonna spend a lot of time at the beach together he wanted to hang out with friends since he is going to school right after we get back. I thought that was completely reasonable...so we continued talking about it...and we were kinda making plans. He was asking if I wanted to go to this golfing range with his friend...and then he said that he really wasnt sure what he and his friend were doing, and that he was going to his friends house and would call me to let me know what was up. So, I got ready and everything and I didnt hear from him. so then I texted him and said "hey, so did you die taking a shower?...its 1030..im assuming that we were arent hanging out" and he texts back and says "yeah, I went to wills house and jack came by so ive been chilling for a while with them. is it cool if we hang out tomorrow" and I responded "I already made plans with people so im busy tomorrow night" and he texts back and says "so im not invited.?"

and then he ends up calling me and says that he is on his way to my house and that he wanted to talk....

so he came over and I kinda was laughing..i didnt see why it was such a big deal for him to come over. anyways eventually he said that he was sorry and that it was his fault for not calling....and then goes into this whole thing about how he got hung out with his friends (right there, I knew what he was saying was for attention..like thats such a stupid excuse) and I laid it out and said to him "with you going back to school..were gonna be in a long distance relationship..I dont need to deal with bull shit...im working now, starting a new part of my life, there are plenty of people out there that wont act immature about certain things..im not planning on breaking up with you, but its not worth it for me to be stressed out about someone not calling me" and then he kinda got a little shaken by what I said...and we talked a little bit more about it. and then eventually started talking about something else. and in the end I said I appreciated him for apologizing and whatever.

I dunno if thats really gonna fix things...what do u think about the situation?

I dunno what to do, because I feel like I didnt really get closure with the situation and saying sorry doesnt really make the situation better. I still dont want to hang out with him. I just dont know how to bring that up.

[nerdy_guy]

Nerdy and lil53,, seating on a tree....

We're about to kiss dude. don't ruin the moment.