I'm in Love w/ a Married Man

[giveitup0128]

Hold on!!!! I know what you are thinking... but hear me out.

I met my "boyfriend" (I use the term loosely) about 8 months ago online. For the first 6 months everything was great. We went on trips, he spent the night at my house 3 times a week, we would hang out until 6 am in the morning, he introduced me to all of his friends and co- workers. Although I never stepped foot into his house (he lives about 45 minutes from me), I didn't think he could be married due to the late nights and trips... but I was wrong.

Long story short, I found out that he was married and they still live in the same house together. They don't have kids, but they haven't finalized their divorced yet. He claims that he is separated and moving forward with the divorce proceedings. Initially once I heard that he was married, I was ready to work away. He's begged me to be patience and understands how lying to me has now made me not trust him anymore. He begged, teared up and does everything to show me that I am only one that he wants to be with.

So I stayed b/c I've never met anyone I've felt so connected with. So I've been patience. I've tried to him leave twice, but he keeps begging me not to leave. He told me last month that his wife has decided to move out, which is a step in the right direction, but everyday I am torn. I can't let him go, but feel stupid to have gotten involved with a married man... THE ONE RULE I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD NEVER BREAK!

And now, I feel like I am in love him. I want to tell him, but not sure if he feels the same way and will be devastated is I have compromised my rules and heart, to have them not reciprocated.

I'm so confused. Should I tell him that I love him? Should I leave him? Should I trust that what he is telling me is true? Or should I continue to be patience and keep my feelings to myself?

PLEASE HELP.

~ A Confused Fish

[vashti]

This is kind of a no-brainer. Quit seeing him until he can show you divorce papers.

[misombra]

he lives in the same house as her? that situation is fuked. you are inviting pain and drama into your life. hopefully you don't have kids.

[alovehangoverr]

This is kind of a no-brainer. Quit seeing him until he can show you divorce papers.

I agree with this.

If he really cares about you as much as he claims to, he'll understand your need to take time apart until the divorce is finalized.

[Gigabitch]

Mother****er didn't tell you he was married for six months. How could you ever trust him again?

Walk away. Don't look back. If he's worth a damn, he's finish his business and come to you clean. If not, you'll know you were wasting your time.

[IndiReloaded]

This is kind of a no-brainer. Quit seeing him until he can show you divorce papers.

Ditto. No feelings or arguments will change this basic fact.

[bluesummer]

I was married to a guy like that.

Guess what? They usually don't leave their wives, they just use girls like you as amusements until things get a little better at home. Stay away from him. Not only are you going to end up hurt, but you are disrespecting a marriage (even if he is disrespecting it, you don't have the right to make it worse).

[ritah59]

Hello GiveItUp,

I have seen such situations take so many myriad curves and end in so many different ways, that I don't have a pat answer to your problem. I have seen the third person (meaning you) being ditched as the others have predicted. And I have also seen the wife withdrawing finally, after learning that the husband has been away with another woman, because she realizes the marriage is finally over.

There is a conflict here, yes. The man has lied to you for six months, that's true. You find yourself in love with him, that is also true. Should you rely on his words and wait and continue seeing the man? Besides relying on your gut intuition, which itself looks rather confused at the moment, you could make use of practical tools.

May be you could do some digging yourself and find out whether the divorce proceedings are indeed in progress in the local court. I think this should not really be difficult to find out. You could ask him pointblank about it. How forthcoming he is with the reply also should give you a hint. May be you could probe around and find out whether the couple are indeed on the verge of breaking up, as he is saying.

It is the certainty that his relationship with his wife is really breaking up that you want. And given that he stays just 45 minutes away from you, shouldn't be difficult to arrive at this certainty.

There is one article that dwells on precisely this dilemma of the inner conflict. The article is titled - "Resolving Inner Conflicts". The key point that the writer makes is that there is no "moralistic" solution to any given problem. Let the moralists debate the moralities amongst themselves. For you, since your happiness is at stake, you need to arrive at a decision that is in your best interests, and implement that decision.

Here is the URL to the article: [url]http://success-nirvana.blogspot.com/2008/05/resolving-inner-conflicts.html[/url]. I am sure you will find it an interesting read.

Here's wishing you all the best,

Rita