Feeling so confused

[Confusion:S]

Hi everyone,

Ok, I have a problem and need someone else's view on the whole thing;

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is my first serious love.

I wanted to know more about his past (is this quite normal?) Whenever I asked him he got angry and said he didn't really want to talk about it but told me a few sketchy details, e.g nothing serious, one night stands etc.

I asked him various questions as we went along, eg, did he ever hook up with anyone on holiday, stay in a hotel with anyone before and his answer were always no. Too good to be true.

Yesterday, all of a sudden it all came flowing out when he decided to tell me after I asked him again. Turns out he's slept with a lot of people (imo), hooked up with people on holiday, stayed in a hotel with someone twice but didn't do anything and also had a girlfriend he didn't tell me about before and who he insisted was only ever a friend.

I got quite upset, not only because I was shocked as I never imagined him as this type of person, but also because he had lied to me when I asked him specific things.

His reason for lying was because he felt embarassed about his past and because he didn't want to hurt me and at the time of my asking he wasn't ready to tell me.

Because I was upset he then got angry at me and said that I was being posessive, obsessive etc and that all that matters is us now. He has never cheated on me.

I say how do I know that he's not going to lie to me again and he says that I just have to trust him.

I'm so confused, am I wrong for caring so much about this?
Do most people ask questions?
Should I trust him?
How do I get over such a big shock?

Please help!!

:S

[confused2010]

If he hasnt cheated on you then you have nothing to worry about. Obsessing about his past relationships will only damage it, I know because I have done it.

Lying about past relationships is common, usually you would downplay them not deny them altogether but its very common.

If he starts talking about a past girl and how great they were, then you will have problems.

[Confusion:S]

Thanks for your reply. I will try not to obsess about them, easier said than done though. I just wish I wasn't so hurt by it.

Anyone else got any thoughts??

[1337lizard]

Yeah, he's being a bitch. He lied to you, you have every right to be a little upset by it. The whole "You just have to trust me" thing is a bullshit thing to say right after he admitted that he's been lying to you forever.

On the other hand I'm dealing with a compulsive liar (girlfriend) right now so my judgement is slightly warped haha. I do think you have a right to be upset, but as long as he's not a compulsive liar, you should be ok in time.

[bluesummer]

I think it's really irritating when someone constantly quizzes you about what happened with other people before you were together......really, who cares? Not only that, sounds like your questions were pretty specific, almost like you were grilling him. That is a sign of possessiveness and insecurity.

You might want to consider the fact that maybe he is happy with you and doesn't feel it's necessary to bring up a past he is less than proud of. There's a lot in my past that I think my fiance could happily go on the rest of his life without knowing, stuff that I'd never want to tell him. If he got pissed over things I did before him, yeah that would definitely make me angry too.

[Confusion:S]

Yeah, he's being a bitch. He lied to you, you have every right to be a little upset by it. The whole "You just have to trust me" thing is a bullshit thing to say right after he admitted that he's been lying to you forever.

On the other hand I'm dealing with a compulsive liar (girlfriend) right now so my judgement is slightly warped haha. I do think you have a right to be upset, but as long as he's not a compulsive liar, you should be ok in time.

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about the "you just have to trust me" thing. It's like he doesn't understand what he's just done. It's frustrating because he thinks he was right in lying to me as it protected my feelings even though I'm so much more hurt now.

I don't think he's a compulsive liar, but how do you really know?

What signs does your gf show if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks again!

[Confusion:S]

I think it's really irritating when someone constantly quizzes you about what happened with other people before you were together......really, who cares? Not only that, sounds like your questions were pretty specific, almost like you were grilling him. That is a sign of possessiveness and insecurity.

You might want to consider the fact that maybe he is happy with you and doesn't feel it's necessary to bring up a past he is less than proud of. There's a lot in my past that I think my fiance could happily go on the rest of his life without knowing, stuff that I'd never want to tell him. If he got pissed over things I did before him, yeah that would definitely make me angry too.

I get what you mean about how it must be annoying but I think that the only ones who find it annoying are the ones with the coloured past. I think that they have to understand that out of respect they owe it to the other person to be honest with them. In regards to the possessiveness and insecurity, I disagree. The only reason I asked specifics is because he was barely answering me otherwise.

I know that the reason you stated is the reason he didn't tell me. It just hurts at this stage in the relationship to hear it and try deal with it and the fact that he lied to me. If he had of just told me originally or in the first couple of months then I would have easily got over it. I do understand that things don't always work out perfectly though.

Thanks a lot for your reply, it's good hearing it from a different perspective.

[1337lizard]

lol well my girlfriend is proud of her ability to lie and not get caught. But it's very obvious that she is a compulsive liar based on her interactions with me and others. If your boyfriend lies to his friends, family, etc. constantly or about minor things that don't need to be lied about, he has an issue.

Hope this helps. From what it sounds like though, your best bet is to simply explain to him that you're upset not by his past, but by his dishonesty. Tell him how much he means to you and tell him that you understand that he doesn't want to talk about his past but lying isn't an option for you.

Following that just reinforce positive feelings for him and try to emphasize that you don't consider his past to be shameful and that you trust him when he says he's never cheated on you.

[Confusion:S]

Hmm.. I would say he tells the odd lie but not excessively.. Might keep track of that one though jut in case lol

Yea, I will definitely do that. Thanks a lot for your help!

[bluesummer]

I get what you mean about how it must be annoying but I think that the only ones who find it annoying are the ones with the coloured past. I think that they have to understand that out of respect they owe it to the other person to be honest with them. In regards to the possessiveness and insecurity, I disagree. The only reason I asked specifics is because he was barely answering me otherwise.

Okay, maybe he shouldn't have LIED, but maybe he was trying to save your feelings? He should've told you nothing. My point is, why did you need any answers at all? He was likely just trying not to hurt you....I would call that admirable.

It never fails to amaze me why people think that their partners OWE them details of their past relationships. They do not. It has nothing to do with honesty, it just really is none of your business (not to be rude). I don't ask about my partner's past relationships, and I know there's been quite a few. It's not comfortable to talk about people you've been with when you're with someone you love. You worry about hurting their feelings. Maybe you aren't happy with your past and would rather let sleeping dogs lie.

This would be difficult for you to understand since this is your 'first love'.

[Confusion:S]

I get your point and see where you're coming from but right from the start, we spoke about certain things and he made it clear that I could ask him anything and vice versa and I presumed that we would be truthful about our answers.

You can't say that they don't owe their partners details of their past relationships because every relationship is different. Just because you are happy enough to not be curious as to your partners past does not mean that other people are the same.

If I am in a relationship with someone, an honest, loving relationship where we are open with one another then it is every bit of my business.

You may worry about hurting their feelings but it hurts them even more when they realise that you were dishonest with them.

Although it is quite irrelevant, I am my boyfriend's first love too. Just because he is my 'first love' doesn't mean that's the reason I want to know certain things. He wanted to know certain things too, and I told him. It just so happens that I had less to tell and that I was honest about it and I expected the same from him. Hence the whole problem in the first place.

[bluesummer]

Well, to each his own. However, my experience is that people who need to know every detail of their partner's past are dealing with some level of insecurity, and it usually doesn't work out.

Honesty is one thing. Splaying open your life like a gutted fish for someone else to inspect is quite another. Just ask yourself, 'honestly'.....WHY do you need to know these things? What good does it do you?

Everyone I know that's delved into their partner's past too deeply always winds up getting hurt, because the answer is never what they want to hear. I don't think enough people are honest enough with themselves about the reasons they feel they must know all these things. That's why I usually advise just not asking.

[Confusion:S]

I understand. Our relationship ending isn't an option. I will get over this and it's not even his past that bothers me so much, it's the fact that he lied to me about it. That isn't being insecure.

Why do I want to know? What good does it do? It makes me be able to be as close as possible to him. Before I felt there was a lot I didn't know about him. Now I know all those things. Although they may not be nice I still know and when I get over it I will feel closer to him.. I think.. I hope!

I do understand why some people don't want to know. Tbh I think it's just in my nature. I am an extremely curious person and in order to feel as close as possible to someone I can't have a lot of unknown info floating around.

[bluesummer]

That's cool. Just understand that maybe he doesn't share your pov in that. If I had a guy grill me about my past, it would unnerve me....I'd probably lie too. But that's my personality, and I wouldn't understand someone who felt otherwise.

Hopefully you two can work this out.

[Mish]

I get what you mean about how it must be annoying but I think that the only ones who find it annoying are the ones with the coloured past.

I disagree, I think the questions were nosy and he didn't owe you any of the answers or explanations. Though lying was very inappropriate, if he did say that he doesn't have to answer he would have been within his rights to say so and you wouldn't have the right to push him. You could say he has an obligation to tell you whether he had unprotected sex before or whether his blood tests showed any stds, but apart from that he's not obligated to tell you anything further and if you push him you do so at the risk of sounding insecure.