To love is to hurt

[inlove82]

I really need to get this off my chest. Please forgive me if I'm not completely coherent. I haven't slept well in days...

Alright, my 'story' begins about the time that I just graduated from university (about nine months ago). My master's was quite a nightmare - I really had to fight through every chapter, every paragraph, every sentence. I completely burned out. Apparently this wasn't enough, because during this struggle, my ex-girlfriend decided to brake up with me. For good reasons I might add, because the energy I was able to put in my relationship was rapidly decreasing.

I was really devastated, but after a while I slowly got over her. Still, I was feeling very alone and fragile. Lacking better ideas, I signed up for a dating site. I dated a few girls, but there was no real connection. One day, I got a PM from a girl that was in my class in high-school. I'll call her "D.". Here is where it gets interesting.

I hadn't seen D. for years, we both agreed it would be nice to catch up. She invited me to her apartment and we talked openly about our university years, relationships and our future careers. There were some interesting similarities between us. She had had a similar experience with her master's, and had a relationship with someone with whom she couldn't connect on a intellectual level. So, we were catching up real nice, and that was all there was to it. At least, that's what I thought.

I probably should tell that D. and I have a sort of history together, or rather, I had a history with her. In high-school, I was madly in love with her, without ever telling her. Actually, it was more of an infatuation - it was not based on anything more than her looks and her enthusiasm. I admired her from a distance. I never stood a chance.

This time, she seemed interested in me. In retrospect that is, because at the time I hadn't got a clue. Under the guise of a 'business project', she invited me to dinner in a quite fancy restaurant (she paid!). We talked the whole evening, and before we knew it, it was past midnight. It was a great night, despite the fact that I was not feeling well. My emotional pains from my past experience with love had not yet subsided, and I was still feeling the residual effects of my burnout. I didn't even realize that we were actually dating, even when she referred to our meetings as 'dates'. I couldn't understand that she was really interested in me.

After a few great dates, I went on holiday for a few weeks. During this holiday I really relaxed and gradually was able to leave the events of the past year behind me. I also thought a lot about D., and I realized that I was getting feelings for her. After my return, I threw a party to celebrate my birthday, and I invited her. She brought a very special, self-made gift. I was astonished. Knowing what I know now, I should have kissed her right then and there.

When she left my party, she said she was very busy, and she promised that she would call me as soon as things quieted down. One week passed, two weeks, three weeks: nothing. I got more and more anxious, and one evening, after a few drinks, I decided to call her. She was a little distant and blunt. She told me that she would call the next day. When she called the next day, we talked for about 20 minutes about her job and how she'd been extremely busy. She also told that, in a few days, she would go skiing for a few weeks. After our conversation, I sent her Christmas present to help her wind down a little. More than a month passed before I heard from her again.

I probably need not mention that waiting for her reply was pure agony. I was just being a coward and didn't want to come off as desperate by calling her. Anyhow, she sent me a card thanking me for my thoughtful gift. Also, wrote that she was still extremely busy and that she and I should meet again soon. This got my hopes up again. The week after that, I sent her an email asking if she would like to have dinner with me. No response. I sent her another email. Again, no response. I called her. I got her voice mail. Left a message. No response. Called again. Voice mail. At that point, I gave up. That was three months ago.

Fortunately, since then it's been very busy at my work, so that helped me get my mind off her. Also, at that time I was considering to pursue a PhD abroad. That plan is now very concrete: at the end of this month I'm moving abroad to start my studies. The last few days I took some days off from work to prepare. But without having my work as a distraction, I realize that I'm thinking more and more of D., and how I missed my chance with her. Perhaps I'm inclined to idealize her after not having seen her for so long, but at the moment I feel that she is the right one for me. I can't sleep, I feel totally miserable, and I don't know what to do.

I think I have three options:
- Forget about her. Probably the most "rational".
- Write her a long love letter. This one is the 'easy way out' for me: I'm not directly confronted with her. Possible rejection feels less painful.
- Call her. I'm not sure if I have enough self-confidence for this option right now.

Now that the date of my departure is approaching, I really feel pressured to make up my mind. Somehow, I need closure. I need to know if she is a lost cause or that we can be together, even if this implies a long distance relationship. I just don't understand her behavior at all. Why doesn't she respond after being so open to me? Have I misinterpreted her? Finally, I don't know if I'm fooling myself and that I'm not really in love with her.

I'm not really sure what I'm expecting from you, the people that somehow managed to read my whole post (thank you!). I just need to write it down to get it out of my system. Nevertheless, all your comments are very much appreciated.

[Junket]

Looks like you rebounded bad, considering you already had a "history" with her.

But it doesn't seem to me like she's all that interested in you that way.

[Charlie Boy II]

The week after that, I sent her an email asking if she would like to have dinner with me. No response. I sent her another email. Again, no response. I called her. I got her voice mail. Left a message. No response. Called again. Voice mail. At that point, I gave up. That was three months ago....

...Now that the date of my departure is approaching, I really feel pressured to make up my mind. Somehow, I need closure.

You need closure? You have closure. You couldn't have more closure if she sent you photos of herself going down on her new husband.

Unless you have something up your sleeve (maybe you're the son of an oil baron and she doesn't know, or you're actually a celebrity, but she doesnt watch TV and that rare chance to date someone as a "normal guy" is what attracted you to her in the first place; or you have some mindblowing romantic gesture in mind) Leave well enough alone.

[inlove82]

Charlie Boy & Frasbee, I think you're both right. It's just that I can't remember being in love like this before. We really connected. The thing that really bothers me is that I didn't see her signs until it was way too late, and that I should have put more initiative into it when I had the opportunity. But I guess that is all moot now.

I guess what I mean by closure is she telling me to my face that she doesn't want me. Perhaps this is her way of sparing my feelings or something. Still, the thing I don't understand is why she suddenly broke of all contact with me.

[Gigabitch]

Actually, she doesn't owe you closure. You weren't in a relationship. It sounds like you displayed equal amounts of disinterest- first you and then her.

There's no point in trying to make this work now- you're leaving, and she is a Fantasy Girl. Did you ever consider that you prefer her that way? Maybe you blew it on purpose?

[inlove82]

Gigabitch, I understand we weren't in a relationship and she doesn't owe me anything. However, I do consider it common courtesy to treat people with a little respect. She obviously doesn't think the same way. This is totally disrespectful. If she thought this was the best way to spare my feelings, she was dead wrong. Just give it to me straight...

Actually, I don't care anymore. I've made up my mind. She's just not worth it and I've been chasing a fantasy. Frasbee and Charlie Boy made me realize that with their simple and direct comments. I think I just needed to get her out of my system and get a wake-up call to return to reality. Thanks for that guys!

[Gigabitch]

Good for you. You sound a little pissed, and I think that's the right way to be in this situation.

People often look for "closure" when all they really want is to see or talk to the Offending Person again. I'm glad you're not doing this.

[Junket]

Just, doin' ma job...

[Rob26]

I got the feeling that she's dating another guy right now and was keeping you strung along so that if things don't work out she can fall back on a relationship with YOU.

Screw it! Go get your PHD.