Fidelity; how should I really feel?

[Doddsy]

NOTE: Please excuse any grammatical errors; I really don't want to read back through all of this

Okay, I'll start by saying this post could potentially be very very long. I would understand if you do not have the time to read an essay. Also, I'm 18 years of age, so if you don't believe in young love, you probably won't want to read this. But if you're cool with an 18 year old's essay, read on, please.

I'm going to run you through my entire relationship with this girl up until this very day.

It started out at work. She noticed me, added me on Facebook, as you do, we got talking and basically just fancies each other. We decided one day should come over mine and we should do the dirty business. So we did. This was around January 2010 (don't ask me for an exact date please). We did it a few more time and me being me, with my immature little mind, thought it would be a grand idea to suggest a relationship. So, we did! First few months; absolute beaut. It was around 3-4 months in we started arguing a lot, things got out of control, we had a few fights, lashed out at people etc. The truth is, we should never have rushed things, especially in my state of mind. I didn't want a relationship and I didn't want to be with her. I'd always consider other girls, I'd always put other girls before her and I just thought she was insecure and needy. I never really paid much attention to her either. But, please don't take this for some savage war between girl and boy. We did have some serious good times. Times where she could make me laugh for hours on end, times when we could just relax and chill out, enjoy each other's time. However, these times only lasted for a couple of hours at most and were soon accompanied by more arguing/fighting. I did notice that at work, she was getting very close to some guy. He also had a girlfriend. They got very chatty, very cheeky and flirty etc. The girlfriend of the guy didn't like it at all but I didn't even think twice about it. I barely even noticed it.

Around August time, she went on holiday to a festival with her girlfriends. Coincidentally, this guy was also going and was also camping very close by. I still didn't think anything of it. Whilst she was away, I spent some time with her girlfriends and some time alone. I realised how much I seriously missed her. How boring my life was without her. I thought long and hard about all I'd done and how I'd been and decided I wanted to turn things around. When she got back, I'd planned a full day out with her, bought her some books by her favourite author, wrote her a little poem and took her out for the day. We had a lovely picnic and the most wonderful place and in the evening went to the cinema. It was an incredible day. I truly realised how much she meant to me. I was so happy.

Now here's where things take a turn for the worst, the very worst.

We both came back to mine one evening, but I had to go to the gym with my brother, so I left her to the house while I went out. She asked to use my laptop and get some work printed off. So I let her. I came back to find she wasn't in the house and was in fact over at her friends house who lived nearby. I called her, she was very angry/upset etc. I went over, tried talking to her and she told me she'd found conversations with my ex. Conversations which summed up entirely how i felt, the absolute senseless idiot I was. I told her I knew I'd made the biggest mistake of my life and I was stupid and I never really understood how I felt until she'd got back from holiday. She didn't want to talk to me and so I left her for the evening. She text me the next day saying I just want to forget it and move on, can we please? I thought this was very odd so I objected and had some time alone. We were still speaking, just taking things easy.

A few days later, i received a text from her telling me she'd slept with the guy she went to the festival with. I wanted to die. I was torn apart, I didn't know what to do. I wanted her, so much. We spent the next week together, literally every week just with each other. We put everything behind each other and just got on with it. We are around 6 months in at this point. It was the most incredible week of my life. At the end of this week, it was painful. She headed off to start at Uni, 60 miles away and I went on holiday for the week. While on holiday, I did something very stupid and spent the evening with a girl. Not because I liked the girl, but because I felt I had to get even with the girl back home. It was very stupid of me and it should never have happened, but it did.

I told her when I got home and she was devastated. She tried to take it as an equalizer. We tried making things work while she was at Uni but trust issues were all over the place and things just weren't working. She found herself a new boyfriend and I went my own way.

Just recently, we've started talking again. But things got much worse. I found out, by mistake, from one of her friends, she was actually sleeping with that guy for a month before she went on holiday. She claims she slept with him 5 times in total, including twice on holiday. But who I am to believe anything she says now? This, again, ripped me to shreds. But this is where my big question comes in. It was only when she got back from holiday that I actually started to care so much for her. Before that, I never even wanted to be with her. Should I be bothered by her fidelity? I know that as a single act on her behalf, she was still dedicated, the guy was in a relationship and it was still a disgusting act. But should I really personally be bothered? Is it fair for me to say she was unfair to me when I felt how I did?

Just recently, she's been down from Uni. She is still with her boyfriend. We have spent 2 nights together recently. I know this doesn't help trust issues at all because she's just doing exactly what she did with me, but I can't help it.

I've never really felt this way about someone before and I'm not really sure what to do. However, I'm no asking anyone to sort out my situation as of now because whatever is meant to happen will happen. What I am asking is, being you in this position, would her actions in the past affect you? Would you feel the right to be emotional about it?

Please feel free to ask any further questions to gain a clearer image of my situation. It's been just over a year since the day she first came over.

Dodds.

[Ric]

In my opinion, she cheated on you sexually, and by being in a relationship with her while not wanting to be you cheated on her emotionally. Perhaps she sensed that and sought comfort in the arms of another lover, perhaps there's another reason why she did what she did.

I can understand the hurt over it as you grew into actually liking her. But it's best to get over that and realize that you were both just messing around. Learn from this for your next relationship.

[Anturo]

The entire relationship is built on lies, distrust and deceit? Why would you want to continue this?

One good thing I read was your ability to admit your mistakes to yourself.

Tip: Move on. With the next relationship lets not lie or be unfaithful or extract "revenge" if a mistake is made.

To answer your question in the last paragraph. Yes her actions would effect me. I cannot take someone who is willing to lie, simple as that. Sure I'd be emotional, maybe a little less on your part you've done the same with lying to her but yes. However you cannot continue a "relationship" with her as of now for it will not work if you both continue to lie to one another. Start being honest with yourself and everyone around you. You'll be amazed on how much easier life will start to become.

[Doddsy]

Very wise words in such a short paragraph. That was impressive. Now convince me I can be with her?! Haha.

I know I'm seriously kissing myself, but I'm convinced are feelings are just growing stronger and stronger. I know I should learn from this and take it all on, but is there no chance I can put that into rebuilding our relationship? I know it's the idea of fixing a broken wall, you're just temporarily healing the wounds and all that business, but I really feel like it's something we can both learn from and something that can make our relationship so much stronger.

Please tell me if I'm seriously wrong here, I just can't really sum up the strength to put an end on this and I don't think she wants to either.

[Ric]

I don't think being with her is a possibility. Considering the whole relationship of lying on both sides and cheating in different ways. It will be nearly if not completely impossible to build up a level of trust. And without that level of trust, a relationship is useless.

I really think your best bet is to just get over her and pursue another relationship. You know yourself better now, know what you want more, know how to recognize your feelings and if you learn from past mistakes, you'll not make the same mistakes again.

If you do pursue her once more, it's highly likely you'll get hurt again.

(rereads)
And being the one she is cheating with isn't a great start for a relationship either.

[Doddsy]

Okay, I know you're right, it's just really hard to accept.

I'm one of those, 'life's to short to have regrets, so I live for now'. I'll probably end up doing something stupid and be with her again and then cheat on her because I feel I have to and then she'll go do something or never speak to me again and I'll have my heart crushed once more because I'm stupid like that. But that's how I feel I learn best, from my own mistakes, so I'll just keep making them.

But, thanks very much for your help you're words do mean a lot and I'll take them deeply into account. Who knows, I might actually sort my life out one day?

You're great with advice, keep up the good work. I'm sure you've helped A LOT of people. You should definitely consider counselling

Thanks again.

[Ric]

I'm sure you'll get your life sorted out. You're already doing well by knowing what you do wrong. Of course now you have to follow your own advice which sometimes is the hardest thing to do. But you've made your first step that's for sure.